simser
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Post by simser on Jan 10, 2014 14:30:22 GMT -5
A bit of background 1st. So I got divorced just over 2 years ago. I divorced him because he was emotionally and mentally abusive, and was also rarely physically abusive. (He was increasing). I lived 3.5 hours away when I asked for the divorce (I moved for a job 2 years beforehand and he did not move with me). I did not tell him why I wanted a divorce. Just that I did. We also had 5 years of struggling to have a child, which in retrospect was fantastic- I don't have to have contact with him.
I changed my phone number (went on a family plan with my parents), moved (got a different job now 20 hours away from him), and blocked his email and Facebook after he explained to me that I was a horrible person for abandoning him during the divorce because he needed me to help him through it. He decided that he would contact my parents 3-6 times last year since he couldn't contact me.
In the time that we have been divorced he got another girl pregnant, married her and the baby was born in September. I rented a house, bought a house in my city, moved for work to a different city for 4 months.
I received a Xmas card from him. It had the address of my new house that I bought. No one has this address because I was living in the other state, so no one needed it. It was not forwarded. You can not google this information. The only way I found it was to go to the county recorder of deeds... Of course it was a picture of him and his new family being shoved into my face. I opened it before I thought that I could send it back.
Anyway. Should I be worried about this? He put a lot of effort into tracking me down. He's far away, but do I need a restraining order?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2014 14:36:01 GMT -5
So I'm lost.. How did he get the address?
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simser
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Post by simser on Jan 10, 2014 14:37:05 GMT -5
Honestly? Either a lot of time hunting it down. Or magic? I have no clue. That's what bothers me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2014 14:38:07 GMT -5
Do you think it will escalate from Christmas Cards to stalking and violence?
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jan 10, 2014 14:38:26 GMT -5
A bit of background 1st. So I got divorced just over 2 years ago. I divorced him because he was emotionally and mentally abusive, and was also rarely physically abusive. (He was increasing). I lived 3.5 hours away when I asked for the divorce (I moved for a job 2 years beforehand and he did not move with me). I did not tell him why I wanted a divorce. Just that I did. We also had 5 years of struggling to have a child, which in retrospect was fantastic- I don't have to have contact with him. I changed my phone number (went on a family plan with my parents), moved (got a different job now 20 hours away from him), and blocked his email and Facebook after he explained to me that I was a horrible person for abandoning him during the divorce because he needed me to help him through it. He decided that he would contact my parents 3-6 times last year since he couldn't contact me. In the time that we have been divorced he got another girl pregnant, married her and the baby was born in September. I rented a house, bought a house in my city, moved for work to a different city for 4 months. I received a Xmas card from him. It had the address of my new house that I bought. No one has this address because I was living in the other state, so no one needed it. It was not forwarded. You can not google this information. The only way I found it was to go to the county recorder of deeds... Of course it was a picture of him and his new family being shoved into my face. I opened it before I thought that I could send it back. Anyway. Should I be worried about this? He put a lot of effort into tracking me down. He's far away, but do I need a restraining order? I think you should try and google it and see what comes up. Ask some internet pros. It is helloova pain in the neck you having. Sorry about it. Do not let it be, alert everyone you can and seek help.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jan 10, 2014 14:40:17 GMT -5
How far away is he now? Do you have any reason to believe that he may come to where you are? Do you have an alarm system? I would feel really creeped out by that too.
*edit* btw, it is part of my job to find people that owe us $$. You would be amazed at the stuff that is available for public information. Does he work for a place where he would possibly have access to skip tracing tools?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 10, 2014 14:45:37 GMT -5
You might want to google yourself and check your facebook account. You might not be as private as you think. When facebook upgraded it wiped out all my privacy settings and I didn't realize it till a friend told me his email browser automatically linked to facebook and now he could see all my information.
It really creeped me out. His browser shouldn't be able to link to my account w/o permission. You'd be amazed at how easy it can be to get information.
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wodehouse
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Post by wodehouse on Jan 10, 2014 14:48:18 GMT -5
You could play his game...send back the Christmas photograph with the faces of wife and baby scratched out.
LOL. I say this only in jest.
Probably best to totally ignore it, unless something else comes up. And in the future just trash his mail unopened (if you can tell it's from him),
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simser
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Post by simser on Jan 10, 2014 14:49:41 GMT -5
I've googled and can't find anything other than my old address. The only place I found the info on line was the county recorder of deeds- but I went to that separately, it didn't appear in google. I had 2 other friends try as well (I do have a relatively unusual last name). He's in grad school so he might have access to databases that the normal public doesn't.
As for whether I think it could escalate? If we were in the same city, heck yes! I asked him not to call me to discuss the divorce so that we would have a paper trail, and he called 17 times that night. After I had turned my phone off he left a message saying "you better not have turned your phone off". He would like to "discuss" things in person to explain to me how wrong I am. It's the distance I'm not sure about.
But shouldn't a married man not spend time tracking down an ex wife? That doesn't seem like a rational person.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2014 14:50:37 GMT -5
Are you saying you didn't know your own address? ...
Did id your parents know what town you moved to? Is your town small?
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Jan 10, 2014 14:57:45 GMT -5
Have you searched for yourself on Zabasearch or Spokeo? Your new address might be accessible there.
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simser
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Post by simser on Jan 10, 2014 15:01:20 GMT -5
I googled to see what was out there, my parents and everyone of my family members won't give him any info... No mutual friend has the info. It's not on my Facebook either.
And I live in a major metropolitan area. So it's not a small town.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2014 15:01:30 GMT -5
The fact that he went to any trouble to get your address should worry you. It was like saying, "I will always know where to find you."
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Jan 10, 2014 15:06:32 GMT -5
Zabasearch and Spokeo results will not necessarily show up when you google your name, at least not in the first results. Go to the Zabasearch and Spokeo websites and put in your name and state and see what comes up. If you are on either of those websites, I think you can request to opt out. Of course, if you're there and that's where he found you, that ship has sailed.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2014 15:09:09 GMT -5
Yeah, it would make me uneasy. I'm not sure to whom you can report it?
Does his wife know? ...would it make a difference if she did?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2014 15:10:56 GMT -5
I wouldn't like that he took the time to look it up, but I agree, I'd check Spokeo. If you've been in your house for more than a year, I would bet it's there.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jan 10, 2014 15:12:58 GMT -5
You know him better than we do, so trust your instincts.
From what you've written, my guess would be that this is less of a start to stalking you and more of a nanny-nanny-boo-boo or "look how fantastic my life ended up - take that!" His own juvenile form of closure and sticking it to you for a little payback to your perceived wronging him. Hopefully now that he's had his chance to show you how great he is, he'll move on.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jan 10, 2014 15:14:23 GMT -5
It would be tempting to send a Christmas card back to him and his wife, but don't poke the bear.
And I agree with milee. it sounds more like a "nanna nanna boo boo" thing.
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simser
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Post by simser on Jan 10, 2014 15:15:14 GMT -5
It's not on spokeo. They have my old address. I've only owned the house for 4 months, and have only lived here for 1 now. I just got around to changing postal records 2 weeks after I got this card.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2014 15:20:26 GMT -5
Could somebody else (not your ex) have "tricked" your parents into giving them your address?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2014 15:25:32 GMT -5
Then there's a mole somewhere. As for should you be worried? Well, do you see him as someone who's going to drive 20 hours to extract revenge or does your gut tell you he's just showing off?
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jan 10, 2014 15:26:16 GMT -5
Simser, your XH could go to the clerk of courts in your county and find your address recorded in the deeds and also check the tax assessor's office, as well s the property appraiser's office . He can, by the way, do any of these by your name or address. I do this kind of work for a living. It's quite easy to find people.
If the local newspaper lists homes bought and sold, he can check that database as well. Unless you bought the house under an assumed name, or in the name of a trust, it will be there.
And while your family and friends may not have given him the info, they may have unwittingly given the info to someone else, who in turn gave it to him.
I would not worry about the card/photo, but I'd make a note somewhere that it occurred, in the event that things escalate. In my mind, abusers rarely learn their lesson. He may have another family, but that does not mean he's learned anything, or is treating them well.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Jan 10, 2014 15:32:16 GMT -5
Simser, your XH could go to the clerk of courts in your county and find your address recorded in the deeds and also check the tax assessor's office, as well s the property appraiser's office . He can, by the way, do any of these by your name or address. I do this kind of work for a living. It's quite easy to find people. If the local newspaper lists homes bought and sold, he can check that database as well. Unless you bought the house under an assumed name, or in the name of a trust, it will be there. And while your family and friends may not have given him the info, they may have unwittingly given the info to someone else, who in turn gave it to him. I would not worry about the card/photo, but I'd make a note somewhere that it occurred, in the event that things escalate. In my mind, abusers rarely learn their lesson. He may have another family, but that does not mean he's learned anything, or is treating them well.
She lives 20 hours away from him - I don't think he's going to the clerk of courts in her county!
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jan 10, 2014 15:35:08 GMT -5
Simser, your XH could go to the clerk of courts in your county and find your address recorded in the deeds and also check the tax assessor's office, as well s the property appraiser's office . He can, by the way, do any of these by your name or address. I do this kind of work for a living. It's quite easy to find people. If the local newspaper lists homes bought and sold, he can check that database as well. Unless you bought the house under an assumed name, or in the name of a trust, it will be there. And while your family and friends may not have given him the info, they may have unwittingly given the info to someone else, who in turn gave it to him. I would not worry about the card/photo, but I'd make a note somewhere that it occurred, in the event that things escalate. In my mind, abusers rarely learn their lesson. He may have another family, but that does not mean he's learned anything, or is treating them well.
She lives 20 hours away from him - I don't think he's going to the clerk of courts in her county!
He doesn't have to go physically - all official records are online, at least in most jurisdictions. Like I said, I do this for a living, but I don't travel to get what I need. The internet does it for me.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jan 10, 2014 15:35:29 GMT -5
... But shouldn't a married man not spend time tracking down an ex wife? That doesn't seem like a rational person. You know him better so see for yourself...would sending some info to his wife help or make matter worse? Some wives can be really nasty and hurt their husbands really badly if they found out sob is communicating with his ex. Maybe he is reaching out to you because she is abusive and squizing his balls so hard that he became a totally different person? ...and looking for shoulder to cry on?
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jan 10, 2014 15:38:00 GMT -5
... But shouldn't a married man not spend time tracking down an ex wife? That doesn't seem like a rational person. You know him better so see for yourself...would sending some info to his wife help or make matter worse? Some wives can be really nasty and hurt their husbands really badly if they found out sob is communicating with his ex. Maybe he is reaching out to you because she is abusive and squizing his balls so hard that he became a totally different person? ...and looking for shoulder to cry on? I'd pay to watch that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2014 15:45:33 GMT -5
I think he sent it to you to "prove" that your problems conceiving weren't him. But you have gone to extremes to hide from him so you obviously feel he is a danger. Make a police report. I don't think you have enough for a restraining order but making the report will help if there are any future incidents.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2014 15:47:31 GMT -5
BTW how do you know about what he has been up to? It might be the same source of info going both ways.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jan 10, 2014 15:51:09 GMT -5
I think he sent it to you to "prove" that your problems conceiving weren't him. But you have gone to extremes to hide from him so you obviously feel he is a danger. Make a police report. I don't think you have enough for a restraining order but making the report will help if there are any future incidents. Interesting way to look at it; would not surprise me a bit. But now I am wondering. Simser, you mention in your OP that he got a woman pregnant. Just out of curiosity, how do you know the baby is his, and that someone else didn't do the knocking up? He may not even be the biodad, she could have been doing the wild thing with someone else at the same time, and either convinced him the kid is his, or he decided to marry her, kid and all, just to spite you.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jan 10, 2014 15:58:37 GMT -5
You seem to know quite a bit about what he's been up to. I'm assuming you aren't stalking the guy, so you must talk to somebody that knows this kind of stuff. If they're giving you info on what he's up to, why wouldn't they also give him info on what you've been up to? He might have looked up the info on his own, but more likely he got it from somebody.
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