swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 23, 2013 10:10:03 GMT -5
What do you do for Christmas that's just out of obligation but brings you no joy?
My parents host a spaghetti dinner on Christmas Eve for mom's siblings, a cousin, and a friend. I bring my family. It's boring, it's crowded, I try to eat low carb, and my kids are wound up.
But I feel like I should be there because I don't have anywhere else to be. And I think my kids should know some of these people.
We also go to mass at 4 on Christmas Eve. I'm an agnostic. I go for the socialization.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 23, 2013 10:11:06 GMT -5
I'm old so not a damn thing! The joy of being old.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Dec 23, 2013 10:20:35 GMT -5
We send out about 40 Christmas cards to friends and relatives, which takes a good part of an evening to address and write messages. Most of the relatives I haven't seen in decades but I know it makes them happy to get the cards so we do it anyway.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Dec 23, 2013 10:27:37 GMT -5
We have donuts for breakfast. I most likely won't make DH wrap all the gifts, so I will help with that. But Christmas has always been my favorite holiday because I never had to deal with things that I didn't want to do, or people I didn't want to put up with.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Dec 23, 2013 10:31:21 GMT -5
We go to my dad and stepmom's on Christmas Day - I would just as rather not see my dad (and I suspect the feeling is mutual) but my stepmom is a very sweet, kind person and I don't want her to be hurt.
We also spend Christmas Eve night at ILs - I'd rather go home, but we would be right back at 6am Christmas Day, so it saves about 2 hours of driving. (Christmas Eve is the extended family gathering and the next morning we open gifts with ILs). I told MIL her gift to me this year could be letting DD sleep in their room!
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Dec 23, 2013 10:34:52 GMT -5
Some years it feels like everything I do is out of obligation. This year especially.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 23, 2013 10:41:41 GMT -5
Pretend that fruitcake symbolizes Christmas and is the most appropriate gift for Christmas Some of my relatives send us one every year, without fail. Its a sweet a mass of goo that no-one will touch in my house. But I have to meet them and tell them during a family gathering "Oh! what a wonderful gift!! The children and us loved it. It was yummy." I hate doing that but I play along... Tolerating my MIL's belief that if you are related to someone and if you are in the same room with them during Christmas then familial bonds trump any other animosity you might share. You must all all get along like a house on fire (I don't even pretend it.) Being lectured by elderly relatives about the horrors of not taking children to mass every Christmas. Honestly, DH and I are so NOT religious. And mass is not something that symbolizes religion for us. We didn't grow up in remotely religious households, so its not important to either of us. But some relations take that as a personal affront and tell me year after year what a failure parents we are. I smile and tell them I'll keep their opinion in mind. I could totally give a tart reply but usually I am in no mood to spoil my Christmas spirit. So I bite my tongue and put on a polite behavior.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Dec 23, 2013 10:47:12 GMT -5
Does visiting my inlaws count?!?!?
actually, we don't do anything simply because we are obligated.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Dec 23, 2013 11:53:37 GMT -5
Buying the teacher gift for school as room mom.
Each family is expected to contribute $10 for the room mom to buy the teacher stuff.
We just spent $70 for Christmas on my oldest kid's teacher. That's about $20 less than I spent on my youngest for Christmas.
I also went shopping for our christmas meal before all the weather hit on Saturday. While I do enjoy cooking, there was NO joy in grocery shopping on a Saturday afternoon along with everyone else in my city.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Dec 23, 2013 11:57:45 GMT -5
Pretend that fruitcake symbolizes Christmas and is the most appropriate gift for Christmas My Father actually loves fruitcake. He is that one guy that does, I guess.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2013 11:59:03 GMT -5
I had a year of very bad blood between MIL and myself and anything I did with his family during that time was purely out of obligation. Her and I buried the hatchet (and NOT in each other's head ) and now I gladly spend Christmas Eve and a multitude of other holidays with them. ETA: I got one! One of my Aunts passed away over the summer and I called up my Uncle to invite him to Thanksgiving. He declined after telling me in detail about his seeping wound from having something removed the day before. Can't wait to hear what happened when my sister called to invite him to Christmas!
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Dec 23, 2013 12:10:27 GMT -5
all of Christmas is a freakin obligation for me!! I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!
But, it brings so much joy to my husband. And now that I have kids, I wouldn't deny them it.
So I grin and bear it.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Dec 23, 2013 12:15:18 GMT -5
Some years it feels like everything I do is out of obligation. This year especially. From the minute I pull into my mother's driveway on Saturday until the minute I leave will be 100% obligation. My dad just came into my office to see if I wanted to stop over on Xmas day too and I told him "sorry, got plans". My younger brother is an asshole, my older brother is a know it all and my sister is a major suck up. All 7 of their kids are ill-behaved brats. Even the 14 and 13 year old are brats. "Nana- make me a hot chocolate!" "Nana I broke your blinds" "Nana, so and so spilled hot chocolate on your white rug". All freaking day. My younger brother and sister have this intense siblings rivalry that goes on and it's so loud and annoying. My sister's DD will say "Santa brought me an American Girl doll for Christmas!" and my brother will yell out "Santa brought A (his DD) TWO American Girl dolls this year, plus beds for them and a dozen outfits". If my sister's son comments about watching the Vikings games on TV my brother will loudly proclaim "I took A to 4 games this year, remember A- remember when we went to the game and you said it was way more fun than just watching it on TV?" Older brother will accuse everyone of being lazy and try to force the kids to go outside (Have I mentioned that it's -9 degrees out today?). Younger brother will get them all hyper and promise to bring them to play laser tag and then change his mind at the last minute or con dad into giving him cash and then bring them to the laser tag place at like 10pm- well after the little kids should be in bed. It's a freaking disaster every single year. You could set your watch by it. So DS and DH hide in the basement family room and read a book while I try my best to find duct tape to stop me from saying something that will inevitably upset my mom and cause a crying fit. I will be the first to leave and my brother will make a run comment like "Run away Sheila, it's not like you should spend quality time with your family on Christmas!" or something else to draw attention to the fact that I was the first to leave. My dad will say "leave it be" but my brother will pick at it and upset my mom. He really is an asshole.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2013 12:28:01 GMT -5
Geez, that sounds like a bet to be the last man standing.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Dec 23, 2013 12:28:28 GMT -5
Christmas tree and gifts.
The Christmas tree requires me to rearrange my living room into an unusable configuration. It creates a giant mess that will need to be cleaned up. Plus there's the getting the lights and ornaments out of the attic, unpacking them, putting everything up, then putting the boxes back in the attic. And when Christmas is over, the boxes have to come back down, everything has to be packed neatly away, and go back in the attic.ave Plus, I feel guilty that I have no joy in it because the other people in my family do.
Before Pop Tart, Christmas was very low gift in our family. Neither C nor I are religious, but we tend to think of Christmas as the time to concentrate on the love we have for our family and friends. That has been the focus of our holiday. We now have Pop Tart. This is her first Christmas with is, the first Christmas my parents have a grandkid who isn't "step". We went a little overboard on presents. Both C and I feel that way. We have accepted that this year is a bit of an anomaly and are talking about what we can do in the future to re-center the day on what's truly important. Our goal isn't to deprive Pop Tart (or any other future kid) of gifts, we just don't want opening presents to be the feature of the day. I'm thinking we adopt El Dia de los Reyes (Three Kings Day), which is in January. Christmas morning there can still be stockings and a few things from Santa, but we move the gift giving to a random Saturday in early January.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 23, 2013 12:35:46 GMT -5
Some years it feels like everything I do is out of obligation. This year especially. From the minute I pull into my mother's driveway on Saturday until the minute I leave will be 100% obligation. My dad just came into my office to see if I wanted to stop over on Xmas day too and I told him "sorry, got plans". My younger brother is an asshole, my older brother is a know it all and my sister is a major suck up. All 7 of their kids are ill-behaved brats. Even the 14 and 13 year old are brats. "Nana- make me a hot chocolate!" "Nana I broke your blinds" "Nana, so and so spilled hot chocolate on your white rug". All freaking day. My younger brother and sister have this intense siblings rivalry that goes on and it's so loud and annoying. My sister's DD will say "Santa brought me an American Girl doll for Christmas!" and my brother will yell out "Santa brought A (his DD) TWO American Girl dolls this year, plus beds for them and a dozen outfits". If my sister's son comments about watching the Vikings games on TV my brother will loudly proclaim "I took A to 4 games this year, remember A- remember when we went to the game and you said it was way more fun than just watching it on TV?" Older brother will accuse everyone of being lazy and try to force the kids to go outside (Have I mentioned that it's -9 degrees out today?). Younger brother will get them all hyper and promise to bring them to play laser tag and then change his mind at the last minute or con dad into giving him cash and then bring them to the laser tag place at like 10pm- well after the little kids should be in bed. It's a freaking disaster every single year. You could set your watch by it. So DS and DH hide in the basement family room and read a book while I try my best to find duct tape to stop me from saying something that will inevitably upset my mom and cause a crying fit. I will be the first to leave and my brother will make a run comment like "Run away Sheila, it's not like you should spend quality time with your family on Christmas!" or something else to draw attention to the fact that I was the first to leave. My dad will say "leave it be" but my brother will pick at it and upset my mom. He really is an asshole. <<Would like to send the Sheilaincali family tickets to come to my house.>> No obligation here, unless you want to come to a friend's house for dinner. She makes a full-on turkey-and-all-the-good-stuff dinner. I do desserts. We have a beer tasting before dinner, with snacks. Desserts this year are chocolate hazelnut truffles, gingerbread men, peanut butter cups, raspberry-vanilla macaroons and possibly homemade marshmallows (depends on the weather; if it's too humid, they don't set properly). In past years, our only joyless obligation was to put up with one guest at this dinner (we've been going for 25 years) who went through a bitter divorce a few years back. Her XH has moved on with a very nice lady. BB (Bitter Bitch) has not. She drinks and complains. She's wealthy, her kids/grandkids are healthy (but freeloading on her), but to listen to her, she has nothing to live for. She has other plans this year, however.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Dec 23, 2013 12:36:53 GMT -5
Maybe you should respond by saying "I would love to stay and spend time with Mom and Dad, but you are such an asshole that you don't even stop long enough to wipe after you spew shit everywhere."
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 23, 2013 12:40:31 GMT -5
Maybe you should respond by saying "I would love to stay and spend time with Mom and Dad, but you are such an asshole that you don't even stop long enough to wipe after you spew shit everywhere." <<Wonders if that will reduce Sheila's mom to a complete puddle in the middle of the kitchen floor, clutching her chest and sobbing, "But I did my best to raise you kids! And this is what I get in return!?"
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Dec 23, 2013 12:43:07 GMT -5
No matter what, it would be a giant mess at that exact moment. And it will either make Christmas so bad next year Sheila won't have to go anymore, or her brother will have a realization that he is too harsh and become a better person.
Oh - who am I kidding, that only happens in movies.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Dec 23, 2013 12:54:27 GMT -5
No amount of intervention will get my brother to change his ways. My parents have been making excuses for him for years. He's been: Hungry, depressed, overwhelmed, had low self esteem, etc. I finally told my dad "He's an asshole- quit making excuses for him".
My mom is a "fragile" sort of person. She tends to be my brother's champion so everything is always my fault and he is always the innocent victim.
A few years back I walked into my grandma's house and my brother starting talking shit and someone said they'd seen my name in the paper (from this Women in Construction article in a local magazine). My brother smarts off and said "I read that she was arrested" and I responded with "oh you learned how to read? Good job!"
FWIW- I have never even gotten a speeding ticket.
My mom started doing that "why are you so mean to your brother thing!" and crying. Everyone jumped to my mom's aid like she was about to have an attack and started shooting me dirty looks. DH had enough and said "Your innocent son is the one that started it all so maybe you should blame him!" You could have heard a pin drop. No one had ever had the guts to stand up to my mom before. DH still talks about that as a proud moment of his.
No matter what she will take his side- I've spent thousands of dollars on therapy trying to figure out what I did to cause her to hate me so much. No answers but I did learn some good coping techniques.
My parents aren't bad people they are very generous and kind but they tend to be completely under my brother's thumb and act so submissive around him it's horrible to watch.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2013 13:03:49 GMT -5
I am not trying to minimize what you feel, sheilaincali, but what if what your Mom feels isn't hate, but indifference? They both make you feel lousy but one is intentional and the other is merely unfortunate. ETA: In fact, it could be that in her mind, she thinks your brother "needs her" and you are capable of taking care of yourself.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Dec 23, 2013 13:14:33 GMT -5
I think sheilaincali, her DH and the Boy should start planning for a Christmas vacation next year. Who care where it's to. Use the excuse that the Boy is going to be off to college soon and you really want a Christmas for just the three of you before that happens. Then, go somewhere tropical, or frozen, of fun (like Legoland).
Once the Boy is in college, Sheila and DH should say- oh, he has a job up there, so it's really hard for him to come home. We're going to visit him, instead.
ETA: Not that I'm trying to rush the Boy out the door. I know that will come too soon for mom, regardless. But might as well take advantage of it.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Dec 23, 2013 13:28:05 GMT -5
I was thinking the same as Shanendoah. I know its really tough since the business stuff is wrapped up in it too, but life is too short to put up with people like that.
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milee
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Post by milee on Dec 23, 2013 13:31:03 GMT -5
Some years it feels like everything I do is out of obligation. This year especially. From the minute I pull into my mother's driveway on Saturday until the minute I leave will be 100% obligation. My dad just came into my office to see if I wanted to stop over on Xmas day too and I told him "sorry, got plans". My younger brother is an asshole, my older brother is a know it all and my sister is a major suck up. All 7 of their kids are ill-behaved brats. Even the 14 and 13 year old are brats. "Nana- make me a hot chocolate!" "Nana I broke your blinds" "Nana, so and so spilled hot chocolate on your white rug". All freaking day. My younger brother and sister have this intense siblings rivalry that goes on and it's so loud and annoying. My sister's DD will say "Santa brought me an American Girl doll for Christmas!" and my brother will yell out "Santa brought A (his DD) TWO American Girl dolls this year, plus beds for them and a dozen outfits". If my sister's son comments about watching the Vikings games on TV my brother will loudly proclaim "I took A to 4 games this year, remember A- remember when we went to the game and you said it was way more fun than just watching it on TV?" Older brother will accuse everyone of being lazy and try to force the kids to go outside (Have I mentioned that it's -9 degrees out today?). Younger brother will get them all hyper and promise to bring them to play laser tag and then change his mind at the last minute or con dad into giving him cash and then bring them to the laser tag place at like 10pm- well after the little kids should be in bed. It's a freaking disaster every single year. You could set your watch by it. So DS and DH hide in the basement family room and read a book while I try my best to find duct tape to stop me from saying something that will inevitably upset my mom and cause a crying fit. I will be the first to leave and my brother will make a run comment like "Run away Sheila, it's not like you should spend quality time with your family on Christmas!" or something else to draw attention to the fact that I was the first to leave. My dad will say "leave it be" but my brother will pick at it and upset my mom. He really is an asshole. Sorry.
This post gave me so much stress just reading it, I just had a little pre-Christmas drink. You might want to have one, too.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 23, 2013 13:34:59 GMT -5
I like where Beer and Shane are going with their thought processes. I think Beer got it right. You mom is "needed" by your dumbutt brother. She may or may not know what a douchecanoe-and-a-half he is, but he's still so useless, he still needs his mama to stand up for him, clean up his messes, etc. You don't. You are outside her reach of authority and range of power. That likely frustrates her. You are the success her other kids are not. She cannot emulate it and it's hopeless trying to get your siblings up to your level. So everyone drags you down to theirs, and she just applauds it, because she does not know how to deal with success. And Shane has an excellent idea: get outta Dodge next family obligation holiday, whether it's next Christmas or Easter or whatever. Tell her you won a trip, or your long-lost college roomie NancyinFlorida invited you down.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 23, 2013 13:41:37 GMT -5
I had a year of very bad blood between MIL and myself and anything I did with his family during that time was purely out of obligation. Her and I buried the hatchet (and NOT in each other's head ) and now I gladly spend Christmas Eve and a multitude of other holidays with them. ETA: I got one! One of my Aunts passed away over the summer and I called up my Uncle to invite him to Thanksgiving. He declined after telling me in detail about his seeping wound from having something removed the day before. Can't wait to hear what happened when my sister called to invite him to Christmas! You are such a better person than I am I had a showdown with one of DH's female relatives this year. A MAJOR BLOWOUT!! 13 years of taking shit from her just got a bit much for me. So I have cut off contact. Like, ALL contact. This is someone real close to DH, so yeah its causing some major issues but I am so done pretending. May I ask how did you two bury the hatchet? You don't have to answer, I am merely curious as it might help me in navigating this horrible situation we are in.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2013 13:48:14 GMT -5
You are such a better person than I am I had a showdown with one of DH's female relatives this year. A MAJOR BLOWOUT!! 13 years of taking shit from her just got a bit much for me. So I have cut off contact. Like, ALL contact. This is someone real close to DH, so yeah its causing some major issues but I am so done pretending.
May I ask how did you two bury the hatchet? You don't have to answer, I am merely curious as it might help me in navigating this horrible situation we are in. She apologized! To make a long story short, she was completely wrong and during that year DH kept telling me that I had to make things "right" with his Mom. I told him that I was not the one who said anything wrong so I was not the one that needed to correct things. And I can tell you it was the hardest thing in the world to keep my mouth shut when she was spewing her shit, but in the end it was well worth it! We were standing by the fire on the 4th of July and although the words "I'm sorry" did not pass her lips, she did tell me that anything she does is out of love for us and that she needs to remember that we are our own family and that we don't do things the same way she would. And she has kept her opinions of what I do and how I do them to herself since then. She also reigned in the unsolicited advice, but it is so much a part of her character that I know it will never completely go away.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Dec 23, 2013 13:48:51 GMT -5
::What do you do for Christmas that's just out of obligation but brings you no joy?::
Go to Christmas at my wife's, my wife's extended family, think of a list of stuff for the in-laws to buy me, go shopping for gifts, help my wife set up the tree. Pretty much anything Christmas-related is done out of obligation. I'd choose to skip most of it and just eat dinner with the family if I could.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 23, 2013 13:53:51 GMT -5
She apologized! To make a long story short, she was completely wrong and during that year DH kept telling me that I had to make things "right" with his Mom. I told him that I was not the one who said anything wrong so I was not the one that needed to correct things. And I can tell you it was the hardest thing in the world to keep my mouth shut when she was spewing her shit, but in the end it was well worth it! We were standing by the fire on the 4th of July and although the words "I'm sorry" did not pass her lips, she did tell me that anything she does is out of love for us and that she needs to remember that we are our own family and that we don't do things the same way she would. And she has kept her opinions of what I do and how I do them to herself since then. She also reigned in the unsolicited advice, but it is so much a part of her character that I know it will never completely go away. Oh man....seems like the same shit I am going thru. She said a bunch of crap to me, on my face too, and then when I proceeded to call her out on it she lied through her teeth denying everything and putting the blame on me for an overactive imagination. I have DH's support but it does create some shitty family situations. I doubt I'll ever get an apology though. So I am fully prepared to go thru my life pretending a certain person does not exist on this earth
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Dec 23, 2013 13:56:23 GMT -5
Maybe you should respond by saying "I would love to stay and spend time with Mom and Dad, but you are such an asshole that you don't even stop long enough to wipe after you spew shit everywhere." <<Wonders if that will reduce Sheila's mom to a complete puddle in the middle of the kitchen floor, clutching her chest and sobbing, "But I did my best to raise you kids! And this is what I get in return!?" I don't think Sheila's mom is Jewish.
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