NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 23, 2013 14:01:08 GMT -5
<<Wonders if that will reduce Sheila's mom to a complete puddle in the middle of the kitchen floor, clutching her chest and sobbing, "But I did my best to raise you kids! And this is what I get in return!?" I don't think Sheila's mom is Jewish. She sure sounds like she's got some Jewish mother in her, with the crying fits. And what's wrong with having a Jewish mother? Oh, wait...almost everything. Sometimes.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2013 14:01:57 GMT -5
'Cept for the brisket!
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Dec 23, 2013 14:05:21 GMT -5
When my MIL was alive I was forced to go there on Christma Eve and hated it. It is too late considering my kids were little and would get up at the crack of down. We would get home late, have to wati for them to fall asleep so we could pull out all the presents, candy canes to decorate the tree, stuff the stocks, etc. I would be a zombie on Christmas morning.
Now that she is gone, we have a nice family dinner wtih just the 4 of us on Christmas Eve. I host Christmas dinner (always have) but now that I'm not exhausted I actually enjoy it.
I now enjoy everyhting I do and nothing is done out of obligation.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 23, 2013 14:28:39 GMT -5
'Cept for the brisket! And the latkes and the kvelling and the guilt and the kvetching.....
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Dec 23, 2013 14:28:55 GMT -5
My mom is Catholic and a master at the whole guilt trip thing.
Beer and Shanen are right. I'm biding my time until the Boy leaves us to go to college and then we'll have excuses not to come back. We have been having some pretty serious discussion about moving away once he graduates from high school. He has respectfully asked us to stay until he graduates. Which is fine with us. But once he graduates all bets are off.
Beer- you are probably right. It's more indifference than hate. I'm her least favorite kid (out of 4) and it's because I'm more independent than the others. I think it upsets her that I don't run to her or ask her opinion on everything. My siblings will ask for feedback on everything. What house to buy, what color car to get, whether they should get a Sam's Club membership or a Costco membership, etc.
Anyway- enough bitching out of me. I'm feeling guilty enough that I said no to Old Country Buffet on Wednesday with my folks, my grandma and my idiot brother. A. I hate OCB, B. I'm on a very strict diet, C. DH, DS and I go to the movies every Christmas Day, and D. I really, really don't want to go.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2013 14:31:01 GMT -5
Please please PLEASE remember that D is a valid excuse and you don't have to justify it to anyone! Good luck on Wednesday.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Dec 23, 2013 14:34:17 GMT -5
sheilaincali- I totally get you not moving until the Boy is out of high school. But he doesn't enjoy Christmas at your parents' house (or even the Saturday after Christmas). Neither does DH. So the three of you should put your heads together and figure out a place you WILL enjoy being next year. Even if you're home for Christmas and leave the day after for some sort of vacation. And you'd love to have Dad & Mom over for dinner one night after the vacation to tell them all about it.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 23, 2013 14:34:56 GMT -5
Good for you for saying no to OCB (when you use the initials, it sounds like a disease, anyway). Take grandma out by herself, assuming you can still stand her. A single day with Drama Mama and the Moronic Misfits is enough; you don't need an additional dinner with them - unless, of course, It's OK to throw bad buffet food at them.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Dec 23, 2013 15:00:40 GMT -5
Nancy- My grandma is awesome! Her dementia has gotten pretty bad (hence the nursing home). She keeps telling DH and DS stories about the "drunks, druggies and whores at the nursing him" and that they keep having "sex orgies" I only feel bad about not seeing her on Christmas but I'll pop over for a visit tomorrow since she'll be there and my parents are going up to see my dad's side of the family for the day. I'll smuggle her in some cookies. Her nursing home is about a mile from me so I try to see her often.
Drama Mama and the Moronic Misfits is an awesome name for them. Thanks for the laugh.
Shanen- we've been saying for years we were going to just run away some place warm for Christmas. I think if things go as badly as I fear they will on Saturday that DH will be on board to do that next year for sure.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 23, 2013 16:14:23 GMT -5
Nancy- My grandma is awesome! Her dementia has gotten pretty bad (hence the nursing home). She keeps telling DH and DS stories about the "drunks, druggies and whores at the nursing him" and that they keep having "sex orgies" I only feel bad about not seeing her on Christmas but I'll pop over for a visit tomorrow since she'll be there and my parents are going up to see my dad's side of the family for the day. I'll smuggle her in some cookies. Her nursing home is about a mile from me so I try to see her often.
Drama Mama and the Moronic Misfits is an awesome name for them. Thanks for the laugh.
Shanen- we've been saying for years we were going to just run away some place warm for Christmas. I think if things go as badly as I fear they will on Saturday that DH will be on board to do that next year for sure. Aw, I'm glad you still have grandma. I have no parents or grandparents anymore. And y'all can come down here, if you want. I have a friend who owns a hotel on the water. Not on the ocean, but on the Intracoastal. We'd treat you well, and feed you well, too. We're about three hours south of Disney.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Dec 23, 2013 16:29:18 GMT -5
I've been pretty lucky in that my social Christmas obligations were not mandatory these days. But when I was single and was invited to my sister's for the holiday, I got lassoed in on her obligations.
Christmas eve is mandatory at her MIL's house. The festivities start around 2 pm Christmas eve and have gone on as late as 2 am. There are 12 children and about 13 adults (when I went) crammed into a very small house. Some of the siblings bring their entire Christmas over to the IL's, so the stack of gifts under the tree takes up better than half the living room. Fortunately, the drinking also starts around 2, so that helps a bit.
When you are a guest, looking in, it is horribly uncomfortable. For several years, I was there frequently enough that my sister asked if I couldn't be included in the gift exchange (they didn't all exchange as adults, just the kids did which was bad enough as each cousin got gifts from each cousin), but that was quickly stomped on. So I just got to sit there and watch. Lotsa fun, so I just drank more.
I know my sister would give her right arm to be able to have Christmas eve (and Thanksgiving) at home, but that's never going to happen.
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quince
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Post by quince on Dec 23, 2013 19:10:44 GMT -5
Everything is kind of an obligation in regards to Christmas for me, but if I actively did not want to do something, I would not do it. Since I feel only indifference, I go along with things visits/presents/phone calls, etc.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Dec 23, 2013 19:21:16 GMT -5
If you let it go stale, it makes a nice doorstop.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Dec 23, 2013 23:01:54 GMT -5
Well, I'm now feeling badly about looking forward to sheilaincali 's Christmas story. But, that won't keep me from checking back for it. Think of it that way Sheila, you're providing the rest of us with entertainment. I let go of the handmade Christmas cards this year because it turned into an obligation that was causing me to lose more sleep than I could afford. I did hand and send out 160 store-bought ones though. I (and our nuclear family) will be going to my mother's tomorrow. I haven't been to her house for 19 months. DH won't eat any food made there, so that will be interesting. I couldn't come up with a good excuse to not go, and I didn't want to be completely disrespectful by skipping another day she wanted to host. She actually wanted to host Christmas Day, and I did refuse to then. I compromised/suggested Christmas Eve.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Dec 24, 2013 10:35:56 GMT -5
Well, I'm now feeling badly about looking forward to sheilaincali 's Christmas story. But, that won't keep me from checking back for it. Think of it that way Sheila, you're providing the rest of us with entertainment. I let go of the handmade Christmas cards this year because it turned into an obligation that was causing me to lose more sleep than I could afford. I did hand and send out 160 store-bought ones though. I (and our nuclear family) will be going to my mother's tomorrow. I haven't been to her house for 19 months. DH won't eat any food made there, so that will be interesting. I couldn't come up with a good excuse to not go, and I didn't want to be completely disrespectful by skipping another day she wanted to host. She actually wanted to host Christmas Day, and I did refuse to then. I compromised/suggested Christmas Eve. why can't you bring something he can eat?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 24, 2013 11:09:12 GMT -5
Sorry your family sucks so bad @tbird. We all get along in my family and it's unimaginable how downright nasty some people's families are. Don't get me wrong, we have personality clashes. But we all treat each other respectfully. And nothing is so bad that anyone feels uncomfortable around each other.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Dec 28, 2013 13:26:07 GMT -5
Well, I'm now feeling badly about looking forward to sheilaincali 's Christmas story. But, that won't keep me from checking back for it. Think of it that way Sheila, you're providing the rest of us with entertainment. I let go of the handmade Christmas cards this year because it turned into an obligation that was causing me to lose more sleep than I could afford. I did hand and send out 160 store-bought ones though. I (and our nuclear family) will be going to my mother's tomorrow. I haven't been to her house for 19 months. DH won't eat any food made there, so that will be interesting. I couldn't come up with a good excuse to not go, and I didn't want to be completely disrespectful by skipping another day she wanted to host. She actually wanted to host Christmas Day, and I did refuse to then. I compromised/suggested Christmas Eve. why can't you bring something he can eat? We offered. She said it wasn't necessary because she had a meal planned. So, then it's that dilemma we've discussed here before: it's rude to bring an actual dish/drink to be served when the hostess already has a plan. It's a catch-22 in this situation.
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sesfw
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Today is the first day of the rest of my life
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Post by sesfw on Dec 28, 2013 18:14:43 GMT -5
What do you do for Christmas that's just out of obligation but brings you no joy?
To quote or paraphrase either Abe Lincoln or Will Rogers: People are as happy as they decide to be.
It's a one time occasion ...... put a smile on your face and in your voice.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2013 19:48:44 GMT -5
Buying my Dad a gift. He won't acknowledge it and will make a point of carrying on as if it doesn't matter. But let me not get him something and my Mom never hears the end of it so I get grief from her. It would be easier if he would just give me grief about it but he's too smart for that. Sigh.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Dec 28, 2013 20:24:04 GMT -5
Well I survived my parents house. Barely- it was touch and go for a few minutes.
My younger brother acted like an ass in general (like I predicted). My mom gave all the grandkids iTunes gifts cards. Which he instantly started bitching about because he hates Apple products. It didn't get any better when she gave him a GC to iTunes too. Everyone in the family (except my younger brother) has Apple products- iPads, iPhones, etc. The teenagers LOVE iTunes GCs.
He refused to eat what my mom made for lunch (turkey with all the trimmings) and stood in the middle of the kitchen and ate by himself. Complaining that he "hates turkey". Got his kids hopped up on frosting and sugar literally 5 minutes before lunch and then complained that they weren't hungry when it was lunch time.
My sister wanted to leave tonight to drive back the 4 hours to her house. Freezing rain (and a 40 degree temperature drop) were in the forecast for tomorrow and she HAS to work on Monday. She couldn't risk getting stranded here. So when her kids (7 and 9) were upset about having to leave early my brother told them that their "mom was just overreacting and being a baby". And that they didn't really have to leave early- she was just being mean. Which of course upset them even more.
He threw a big fit when I left (my grandma was very overwhelmed and wanted a ride back to her nursing home- which is a mile from my house). My DH and DS were planning on meeting a friend to see a movie so we offered to bring her home. He did the typical "sure, leave so you don't have to spend time with your family). Please note I see these people all week long and my sister was leaving at the same time.
Meanest thing was last night. My dad, my idiot brother and I are all on the special diet. My sister is a big girl but still over 100 lbs less than idiot brother. My dad offered my brother some of his newer 2XL shirts that are too big for dad but would fit brother soon (since he is now in a 3XL- down from a 4 or 5XL a few months ago). SO my brother says "Sure, and S (my sister) can take all my old 4XL ones since they'll fit her". She ran from the room crying because he just said that she was so fat that the shirts that a 450 lb man was wearing would fit her. Then he tried to play all innocent and did the "what, I was just trying to offer her free clothes". First time my parents (well only dad) had ever scolded him.
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grits
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Post by grits on Dec 28, 2013 20:29:08 GMT -5
If you do not deal with your own issues, you tend to transfer them to your own family. Those of you with jerk-faced parents may very well have parents transferring their own anger, pain, and bitterness onto you. Both of my parents did it to me. They spoiled my siblings, and treated me like dirt. When I fought back, and called them on it every time they tried it, it stopped. Well, I did walk out of their lives for 8 of the most wonderful, peaceful years a person could live.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 28, 2013 21:19:54 GMT -5
Well I survived my parents house. Barely- it was touch and go for a few minutes.
My younger brother acted like an ass in general (like I predicted). My mom gave all the grandkids iTunes gifts cards. Which he instantly started bitching about because he hates Apple products. It didn't get any better when she gave him a GC to iTunes too. Everyone in the family (except my younger brother) has Apple products- iPads, iPhones, etc. The teenagers LOVE iTunes GCs.
He refused to eat what my mom made for lunch (turkey with all the trimmings) and stood in the middle of the kitchen and ate by himself. Complaining that he "hates turkey". Got his kids hopped up on frosting and sugar literally 5 minutes before lunch and then complained that they weren't hungry when it was lunch time.
My sister wanted to leave tonight to drive back the 4 hours to her house. Freezing rain (and a 40 degree temperature drop) were in the forecast for tomorrow and she HAS to work on Monday. She couldn't risk getting stranded here. So when her kids (7 and 9) were upset about having to leave early my brother told them that their "mom was just overreacting and being a baby". And that they didn't really have to leave early- she was just being mean. Which of course upset them even more.
He threw a big fit when I left (my grandma was very overwhelmed and wanted a ride back to her nursing home- which is a mile from my house). My DH and DS were planning on meeting a friend to see a movie so we offered to bring her home. He did the typical "sure, leave so you don't have to spend time with your family). Please note I see these people all week long and my sister was leaving at the same time.
Meanest thing was last night. My dad, my idiot brother and I are all on the special diet. My sister is a big girl but still over 100 lbs less than idiot brother. My dad offered my brother some of his newer 2XL shirts that are too big for dad but would fit brother soon (since he is now in a 3XL- down from a 4 or 5XL a few months ago). SO my brother says "Sure, and S (my sister) can take all my old 4XL ones since they'll fit her". She ran from the room crying because he just said that she was so fat that the shirts that a 450 lb man was wearing would fit her. Then he tried to play all innocent and did the "what, I was just trying to offer her free clothes". First time my parents (well only dad) had ever scolded him. And I know you are really, really glad you have alternative plans for next Christmas, right?
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Dec 28, 2013 21:36:50 GMT -5
I think If I had to spend time with douchebag brother, I'd start commenting on rude things he says like, "oh my, that wasn't very nice" and "ow. That hurt my feelings." But say it pretty unemotionally.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Dec 28, 2013 21:50:42 GMT -5
I think If I had to spend time with douchebag brother, I'd start commenting on rude things he says like, "oh my, that wasn't very nice" and "ow. That hurt my feelings." But say it pretty unemotionally.
Swamp ..... those are good things to say. I tend to just walk out. But I understand about sticking around and keeping mouth shut. Sad that people can't just have a great time with family.
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grits
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Post by grits on Dec 28, 2013 22:01:47 GMT -5
A long time ago, I stopped allowing myself to be manipulated by the guilt layers, and tyrants. If I tell you no, I mean no! If you push me to try to make me do what you want, you will think that I have been possessed by the spirit of Madea. If you get in my face, and get verbally abusive, you shall be called out on tons of lies, theft, and whatever low life activities I can remember you've committed. In some ways, I am the male version of the old song, "That's Why The Lady Is A Tramp". I choose to not bother with people I do not like. I get too hungry for dinner at your place (You are so nasty even the roaches refuse to eat there.). I go to the movies but not to watch crap like you (Ask the doctor to give you meds or change the ones you are on.). I never bother with low life relatives (You won't see me if I see you first.). That's because the mailman doesn't give a damn.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Dec 28, 2013 22:13:57 GMT -5
I think If I had to spend time with douchebag brother, I'd start commenting on rude things he says like, "oh my, that wasn't very nice" and "ow. That hurt my feelings." But say it pretty unemotionally.
Swamp ..... those are good things to say. I tend to just walk out. But I understand about sticking around and keeping mouth shut. Sad that people can't just have a great time with family.
I usually try to tune him out and ignore him. I did get mad and tell him to quite acting like an a-hole when he offered my sister his handme down shirts. A few times today I did say something - like when he was badmouthing the iTunes gift cards that mom had given the kids. Seriously- they were $100 if you didn't want it sell it on ebay for close to the $100. No need to hurt your moms feelings and try to sell them to the other people in the room in front of you mother (he was sitting right next to her).
BUT_ my dad LOVED his gifts. The idiot brother's two kids (are my godkids- his ex-wife's decision) and the loved their gifts from me.
I am really thinking that skipping Christmas next year might be in our best interest.
I am just relieved that the holidays are finally over- although they started hinting about me coming over from breakfast tomorrow am. Only downside is there is a football game on TV and idiot brother gets very loud and tends to scream and swear at the TV whenever a game is on. No fun at all to witness.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Dec 28, 2013 22:17:51 GMT -5
Glad you survived, Shelia. I cannot believe he turned his nose up at other people's gifts. That's rude in and of itself. But to be that harsh to your sister is just ridiculous. I'm not glad that he was rude, but I am glad she was obviously upset. That makes it impossible for everyone else to pretend it's okay for him to be that way.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Dec 28, 2013 22:18:05 GMT -5
He feeds on emotional responses. Use neutral tones to acknowledge his words are hurting feelings.
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grits
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Post by grits on Dec 28, 2013 22:18:36 GMT -5
Sheila, get a job working for animal control. As soon as you walk in the house, shoot him with a tranquilizer dart. Seriously, spend separate time with your parents. I say take vacations with DH, and DS next year. Explain to your mother that you only have 2 more years of him at home, and you want to strengthen the bonds to make sure he comes around. I was my grandmother's favorite relative. She made no bones about it. She should have stopped having children after she had my mother. It would have stopped legions of twisted minds from being born.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Dec 28, 2013 22:31:52 GMT -5
grits- Thank you for the laugh re: the tranquilizer dart. My SIL is a vet and works at a local aquarium in addition to her 9 to 5 job. I should ask her to bring down some horse tranqs next Christmas.
My mom pulls that passive aggressive thing and said that all she wanted to dinner was to "be invited to your houses for dinner at least once a year" (your being myself and my 3 siblings). We invite my parents over several times a year and ask them to go to dinner with us. I hate going to their house for meals because my brother is always there and makes everything an exhausting event. He is such a miserable person that I think his goal is to make everyone miserable.
But it's over for the year. I won't have another "whole family" obligation until maybe Easter but most likely Mother's Day. Months of peace and quiet.
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