thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Nov 19, 2013 9:38:33 GMT -5
In the past three months, he has gone from elderly to geriatric. We've known it was coming as his health has steadily deteriorated over the past few years. The time between hospital visits is getting shorter and the length of stay is getting longer. We went over and saw him on Sunday, and he was as I expected him to be/look/act. But, my husband was a little more taken aback. Both my MIL and FIL have a very strong faith, and everyone seems prepared for what is going to happen. But my husband is pretty depressed about it. I don't know how long my FIL will be able to hang on. He is a tough guy, which works in favor of him living, because he just keeps going, but against his health, because doctors are for pussies. He doesn't run to the doctor with every little complaint, and then the ambulance has to come when he gets very bad. I do know they are going to doctors several times a week - so it isn't total neglect. Anyway - I'm not here for medical advice.
I've never lost anyone close, and neither has my husband - so this is new territory for us. I'm trying to give my DH whatever space he needs. I've started picking up his chores, and I let him hold the remote and what-not, but I am afraid this will drag on and he will get a little too wrapped up in his grief. If it takes a year or more for him to get through this, I'm fine with that - I just want to make sure that staying that low for that long doesn't become a permanent state of mind. Anyone with any experience with this - can you give me some guidance? Should I just let him follow his own path? Or is there anything I can do to help him through this? We got three parents left after this one - so if there is something I should know, I can use it several more times.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2013 9:43:07 GMT -5
It's so new, I wouldn't worry at this point. Is he prone to depression? The stages of grief do take time to work through, and can manifest in odds ways and times. My thought are with you during this transition.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 19, 2013 9:44:44 GMT -5
I'm sorry to hear about your FIL, and I'm sorry I don't have any advice. We're kinda doing the same thing with my mom, she's not that bad yet, but I see the writing on the wall.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Nov 19, 2013 9:48:37 GMT -5
Sorry to hear that
I think you just have to wait and see, everyone reacts differently. My dad died about 4.5 years ago, I was 28. I'm just now getting to the point where I'll mention him casually in conversation, something like "oh my Dad loved that movie". It's not like I've been depressed about it for 4 years, I just didn't want to talk about him.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2013 9:49:32 GMT -5
I am sorry about your FIL, thyme. All of our parents are still kicking so I have no useful advice for you.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 19, 2013 9:52:09 GMT -5
My family is going through this with my mother, thyme. I keep the lines of communication open with my kids and their kids. If they want to talk, we talk. Otherwise, there's not much one can do except be there for the people we love. Death, unfortunately, is the end result of birth. It comes to us all. Still, even knowing that, it's darned hard to watch someone you love fade away and different people handle that experience in their own ways. It sounds to me like you're doing all you can.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Nov 19, 2013 9:53:30 GMT -5
I'm sorry to hear about your FIL, Thyme.
I don't really have any advice, although we are now down to my 87 year old FIL. If I learned anything through the process of watching my parents and my MIL age and die, it is that everyone, EVERYONE, grieves in their own way. I happen to have a delayed kind of grief. My mother died 17 years ago yesterday and it feels like it was today. But, when she was dying of cancer and afterwards, I was a caring, feeling, rock -- lots of love for her but no grief. It hits me now almost daily as I wish she knew my kids, or when I want to pick up the phone and hear her voice and ask her advice, or hear the messages she would leave on my answering machine. Damn I really wish she was still around.
All I can say is make sure your DH spends as much time as he can/wants with this father. No matter what kind of relationship they had while your DH was growing up, losing a parent is a turning point in one's life. Parent and child CAN express love, make amends, express regrets, laugh at memories IF they want to do so before the end. Let DH do what he needs to do even if it means you have to gently suggest and nudge him to do so.
And, although it kind of sucks to have to be a model at such a difficult time, know that you and DH will be modeling dying and grief for your kids.
I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Nov 19, 2013 10:03:50 GMT -5
Mostly you just need to be there for him and not say anything bad about the father. We have lost all our parents since we have been together. I didn't like his dad but when he died I took ISO to the funeral home, to see all his family, helped clean the apartment and let him go on about how much he loved his dad. He was too upset to drive so I took some time of work and drove him places. When my dad died he helped me host my elderly aunt from out of state, drove mom to the funeral and was there for me. We didn't do a lot for his mom or step dad's passing but this summer when my mom was sick he did whatever I needed. I called home one day and he drove over with a sheepskin for mom to lay on because the nurse said she should have one and he visited her often. For her funeral reception he carried in all the food and pretty much took care of me.
We got much better at losing parents but neither of us had ever had anything to do with planning funerals before. When his dad died we didn't think to plan a reception after and he was surprised there wasn't one. Everyone just went home after the funeral and he said he thought everyone went some place after without realizing it was only if someone planned and invited.
So get through the illness and funeral but if weeks or months later he needs to talk let him with never correcting his rosy memories. Try to say nice things about the parent.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Nov 19, 2013 10:04:10 GMT -5
DH's aunt just died (cancer) and this is the #1 regret a few people have mentioned to me. They didn't realize she'd go so quickly and they wish they'd spent more time with her. Actually, I'm feeling pretty badly about not making more time to see her as well.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Nov 19, 2013 10:11:54 GMT -5
No mom and dad left for me, Thyme. Dad died young, and mom almost two years ago. FIL died 8 years ago, and MIL still holding on at age 90.
Grief is an odd situation. With my mother, death came 9 weeks after her heart attack, though her health had been in the disintegration process for years. By the time she went to hospice, just 36 hours before she died, I'd basically been grieving for a long time. My siblings, who do not live nearby, did not grieve the same way. I lived close by her, and saw the downhill slide. They did not. I knew the end was coming soon. They denied it for a long time. When she died, they grieved. I stopped grieving, because I had so much legal and probate stuff I had to do, plus making up time to my DH, for all the time we'd missed while I'd been dealing with her. I learned the hard way that grief has no beginning, middle or end, like a book or a work project. It's more fluid; it tends to intrude when you least expect it, float to the surface of your life when you'd prefer it didn't and sometime hover in the background like an old sweater in your closet.
No matter how long this takes, how "good" or "peaceful" a process this is, it's still the passing of more than just a life. With this person go traditions, conversations and history. You'll remember these things, but you won't get them back in real time. I still get a sign every now and then from my mother; her way of letting me know she is OK. But it's never the same.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Nov 19, 2013 10:15:00 GMT -5
DH's aunt just died (cancer) and this is the #1 regret a few people have mentioned to me. They didn't realize she'd go so quickly and they wish they'd spent more time with her. Actually, I'm feeling pretty badly about not making more time to see her as well.
I am well aware that not every parent/child relationship is like an episode of Leave it to Beaver. In fact, I am certain most are not. But, I have a tendency to get a little "touchy" when friends and family express frustration with elderly relatives for relatively inconsequential faults (repeating stories, rigid in their schedules, picky, etc.) (i.e., not genuine abuse or other evil behaviors). I try to gently remind my peers that when that parent is gone, they really, truly are GONE so making an effort to overlook the little frustrations so folks can spend more quality time with each other is well worth it. I know of what I speak. JMHO. YMMV.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Nov 19, 2013 10:21:10 GMT -5
My DH and his Dad never really had much in common. I will suggest to him that he goes over every week and hang out for a bit. I think that might help him. If not, it sure would help his mother.
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flutterby
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Post by flutterby on Nov 19, 2013 10:30:35 GMT -5
I'm sorry to hear your FIL isn't doing well. Both my parents have passed away. My dad died when I was 16, and my mom 3.5 years ago. The only advice I can give you is to not push what you think is best onto your husband. My mom died in a freak accident, so not only was it sudden, but it was weird enough that people were curious. I didn't want to discuss it with anyone, but STBX did, which pissed me off to no end. I didn't want to go anywhere or see anyone while we were making arrangements, etc., but he set up outings and invited people over to get my mind off things because he thought that was better. He hemorrhaged money that first week or two, because, after all, now was not the time to be worrying about a budget. The whole time he thought he was being this rock of helpfulness and caring and all I could think was "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you." Not once did he do what I needed or wanted him to do to actually be helpful. I know he was trying, but it was eye opening to me being pushed to grieve how he thought I should. So I'd say ask him what he wants or needs, then do exactly that. Don't take it upon yourself to do things you think he wants, ask him first. I know you love him and only want to help him, so help him how he wants, not how you want. Even if it means doing nothing. Losing a parent is hard, and I feel for both of you.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Nov 19, 2013 10:38:22 GMT -5
And, although it kind of sucks to have to be a model at such a difficult time, know that you and DH will be modeling dying and grief for your kids. I'm sorry about your FIL. I can't stress this part enough. If it seems like your DH isn't handling the death of his dad very well, please, please, please strongly suggest a grief group, going to employee assistance or finding a therapist. My mom did not deal well with the death of her mother. In hindsight, I was asked to do some inappropriate things, some of which really did not sit well with me. Because of this, I only go to cemeteries for funerals.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Nov 19, 2013 10:41:27 GMT -5
I'm sorry thyme. (((Hugs)))
I'm kind of in the same boat as you. My FIL has ALS and we all know the end is coming soon, but we're still in limbo with a lot of stuff (emotions and practical stuff). It's been a terrible year for - planning a wedding, my family being terrible to me over said wedding, hubs having to comfort me, and dealing with his father. He wasn't really dealing with everything and had become very angry. He finally had a weekend where he broke down hysterically and realized he needed to do something. We luckily have a wonderful therapist in our life (she wrote our ceremony and she's been a great help with wedding drama) and hubs has been seeing her every couple of weeks. I went with him last week. Therapy has been good for both of us. I've been bending over backwards to make life easier for him but we still had a few big fights. We've been so much better the past couple of weeks thanks to therapy sessions. Having an outside person to talk with has been helpful.
This will be the first parent to die and it's been a learning curve for me on how to be supportive. I'm not a fan of my FIL at all but I had a wake up when hubs' sisters started acting like selfish assholes. I need to be there for my husband.
Thyme, all I can really say is to be there. To talk, to be a shoulder to cry, to get him a beer (sometimes it's needed!), but make sure to communicate how anything is affecting you if it gets to be too much of an unfair balance on you.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Nov 19, 2013 10:46:12 GMT -5
Hubs visits his dad twice a week - sundays he takes him to Quaker meeting and wednesdays he helps around the house. His dad lives an hour away so it's a bit of a burden. He lives alone and has needed 24 hour care for a while, so his kids and people from meeting have been rotating visit days. It sucks. FIL will hopefully be transfered to hospice this week and the facility is 20 minutes from us. It's a relief.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Nov 19, 2013 11:05:31 GMT -5
So sorry, Thyme, for you & your family. We're going through this right now with my Mom, who is slowly fading away.
My Dad passed away very suddenly, which of course was a shock. I agree with the others that there is no set amount of time, or right way to grieve. That's great that you're encouraging DH to visit with his Dad. And, maybe suggest to DH's friends that they get him out of the house to do stuff. Does he like golf, or sports? Some "guy time" may lift his spirits.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Nov 19, 2013 11:23:38 GMT -5
'Maybe record some of his stories'
This is an excellent idea. Those will be keeper memories for several generations on down once the stories are written down.
I just want to make sure that staying that low for that long doesn't become a permanent state of mind.
Unfortunately this happens often. When I hosted in Grief Recovery we called them professional grievers. Even after several years they are still moaning about their loss to anyone that would listen instead of being grateful for the years and memories they were given.
I'm 72, lost DH before losing both parents. I've have medical issues this last year that have laid me low. But I'm back and in the 'give a lift' program here in town. About a month ago I took a man in his 40s to a 'grief recovery' meeting here in town. He lost his parents 3 years ago. He is the baby of his family and lived with his parents and now living in the parental home cost free.
First time I met him he told me his woes and expected me to cry with him. Just not happening. He told me about several surgeries he had ten years ago, I told him I just completed eight months of chemo and radiation. He told me about losing his parents, I told him I lost DH and parents. He doesn't work, doesn't drive, doesn't do anything except feel sorry for himself. I suggested he get a bicycle. Somehow I don't think he will call me for a ride anymore.
Give your DH time for grieving ..... and really time is the only thing that will help. It's different for each of us and different for each relationship. But if he's still sitting around with the remote and moaning after about a year it's time to find a grief group. He will find people helping him and he can help others ........... and don't let him say he won't go.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Nov 19, 2013 11:59:34 GMT -5
Like you, I don't really have a lot of experience with the grieving process. But I would think that a grieving process is normal and to be expected. Furthermore, one would expect the grieving process to last different lengths of time for different people. I guess all you can do is wait and see how it goes. If your husband is still grieving well past what would normally be considered appropriate, or the severity is such that he cannot function well, then you may need to look into professional counseling or anti depressants.
Anyway, I don't think there's some magic thing you can do to not make people grieve, or make it shorter, or less severe. You just have to let things take it's course. Unless of course, it goes on too long or it's too severe for the person to function.
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jeep108
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Post by jeep108 on Nov 19, 2013 12:21:33 GMT -5
Found out my dad was dying of cancer in July. He's lived longer than the doctor's said he would.
I try and see my dad for at least an hour everyday.I feel guilty if I don't.
Just be there for your husband.
Some days, I'm OK. Other day's it hits me hard. Staying busy helps. My husband been really good about giving me time or whatever else I need. He's been my rock through the whole thing.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Nov 19, 2013 12:23:48 GMT -5
Sorry to hear about your situation. Its must be very hard for your family I have lost several close family members. I know its a cliche but it does take time to work through the grieving stages.... and everyone is different. For a parent you are looking at 2-5 years before things start to feel normal again......and the bit in between can be variable.
The best thing to do imo is to stay strong, stay busy, try not to fall apart....and take it as it comes.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Nov 19, 2013 12:44:12 GMT -5
I'm in a similar position, my dad was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis earlier this year and prognosis is not good for this.
So I am steeling myself for the inevitable. We're going out there for Thanksgiving holidays, and are going to try to set travel arrangements up for him to come out and visit me for Christmas. If he makes it, I suspect it will be the last trip that he'll make.
I lost my mom 15 years ago, very quickly, from lung cancer. She was diagnosed in January, died in April. I probably did 80% of the grieving for her death prior to her death, since I knew that stage 4 is impossible to treat. But that remaining 20% hit me hard, and it hit me AFTER I got back home. At the time, I was living in TX and had flown to NY. I got there about a week before mom died, and spent about a month there total. Those 3 weeks, I spent propping up my dad so really didn't get the opportunity to deal with my own loss, until I got home. That last 20% took me nearly a year to work through, and it was almost 2 years before I stopped reaching for the phone to call mom and ask her something.
Only think I can say to you is to try to take your cues from him. You'll need to be his touching post, his analyst, his shoulder and his policeman when he wants to do something stupid. So you need to be strong too.
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Nov 19, 2013 13:10:53 GMT -5
To start off with, every one handles death differently. But with that said, the most common sense thing that anyone ever told me when my mother died in my early 20s was, "It doesn't mean anything."
I know that might be taken wrong. But it saved me a lot of heart-wrenching soul searching. There was no reason it was my mother that died; it had nothing to do with me; it wasn't karma; it didn't mean anything. It just was.
And my personal revelation in the process was that I will be grieving the most of my life. By that, I mean, not depressed for the rest of my life,, but there will always be a void no matter how long I live, so it's okay to be happy or take a break from sadness. It doesn't reflect on your true feelings.
And perhaps, I'm mixing you up with another poster, but doesn't your husband have addiction problems? If not, please ignore what I said. But if he does, that should be monitored carefully. Major upsets often derail years of alcohol- and/or drug-free journeys.
At least your husband can take the time that rests and say whatever that needs to be said. Many people never get that, and that is often the hardest part of death, the unresolved issues.
And while I am an atheist, I truly believe that faith is very helpful and provides much solace to those who need it.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Nov 19, 2013 14:20:28 GMT -5
My situation is a little different as my mother passed away from a sudden heart attack (blood clot went to her heart) about 3.5 yrs ago. She was only 64 and it was completely out of the blue so no time for anything to really sink in. I really think it was about 3 months before I accepted the fact she was gone. Even after I accepted the fact, it was extremely difficult and it took me a long time to get past it. Everyone is different but what helped me the most was forcing myself to go out and spend time with friends, getting back into my normal routine, etc. I remember feeling like curling up in a ball and crying but forcing myself to go out to brunch one Sunday with several friends. I ended up laughing for close to 2 hrs straight. Then I came home and cried for at least an hour. Both were good therapy for me. I suppose I needed them both. The days immediately after her funeral I just wanted to be left alone and I needed that as well in the beginning, but after a few days I NEEDED desperately to get back to work, exercise, friends, and my overall general routine. Time really does help. You always miss them and remember them but you move on and you eventually become happy again (at least I did). I have always maintained that I wasn't depressed though... I was just extremely SAD. I think there is a big difference. It is okay to be sad about something but depression can completely take over your life. I was very diligent that I was not going to let that happen to me. I lost my mom, my cat and my job all within 3 months of one another. The year 2010 sucked ass IMO. I have never been so happy to ring in a new year in my entire life.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Nov 19, 2013 14:53:25 GMT -5
Found out my dad was dying of cancer in July. He's lived longer than the doctor's said he would.
(((((( Jeep )))))))) your dad is continuing to build memories for you and family. Blessings.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2013 15:16:40 GMT -5
Death, unfortunately, is the end result of birth. It comes to us all. You said very important words to remember by each day , mmhmm.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2013 15:30:00 GMT -5
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, thyme4change.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Nov 19, 2013 15:46:17 GMT -5
I'm sorry to hear your FIL isn't doing well. Both my parents have passed away. My dad died when I was 16, and my mom 3.5 years ago. The only advice I can give you is to not push what you think is best onto your husband. My mom died in a freak accident, so not only was it sudden, but it was weird enough that people were curious. I didn't want to discuss it with anyone, but STBX did, which pissed me off to no end. I didn't want to go anywhere or see anyone while we were making arrangements, etc., but he set up outings and invited people over to get my mind off things because he thought that was better. He hemorrhaged money that first week or two, because, after all, now was not the time to be worrying about a budget. The whole time he thought he was being this rock of helpfulness and caring and all I could think was "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you." Not once did he do what I needed or wanted him to do to actually be helpful. I know he was trying, but it was eye opening to me being pushed to grieve how he thought I should. So I'd say ask him what he wants or needs, then do exactly that. Don't take it upon yourself to do things you think he wants, ask him first. I know you love him and only want to help him, so help him how he wants, not how you want. Even if it means doing nothing. Losing a parent is hard, and I feel for both of you. I was in a very similar situation and I agree very much with this. Ask what he needs rather than assuming. Everyone grieves differently, and finds a different way to move forward. I was really paralyzed for the first few days after my mom died. I just couldn't believe it had happened, and curious people made me want to kill them. But after a bit, being busy and going to work really helped me. Work forced me to hold my shit together for the day and focus on other things. I cried as soon as I got in the car every day for the longest time. I'd just say make sure that he spends time with his dad while he can. I have to admit that since my mother died so unexpectedly, I find myself envious of people who know it's coming in a way. That may sound crazy - but they have an opportunity to say the things they want to say before the end, and let the other person know how important they are. Don't let him miss the opportunity he has.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2013 16:43:26 GMT -5
I've got nothing but sympathy, Thyme. My father died when I was five, and I last saw my mother when I was eight. (She died twenty-something years ago.) I have no experience either.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 19, 2013 18:33:19 GMT -5
Thyme-both my parents are now gone. The only advice I can give you is take it one day at a time. It is a whole new experience for anyone who has not lost a parent, child. sibling or best friend.
Most everyone will get through it. It just takes acceptance and time.
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