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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2013 20:50:09 GMT -5
I'm so sorry. Everyone has said important, knowing things. But it still hurts. I call this magic wand time, when those who love you wish they could wave the wand and make your pain go away. Of course we can't do that but we can be here for you .
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Nov 19, 2013 20:59:35 GMT -5
I'm sorry thyme. We haven't been there yet, so no advice. I'm sure your Dh appreciates your support though.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Nov 19, 2013 21:01:00 GMT -5
Thyme I'm so sorry, give DH space and we are here for you.
My mom died in 2000 and I was the rock in my family or so I thought, when actually I was in denial, It took two years + therapy for me to realize that she was gone.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Nov 19, 2013 21:27:29 GMT -5
I can't write very much tonight as am quite tired, but I wish all who have or had relatives and loved ones that are ill, dying, or have passed away the best.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Nov 19, 2013 21:59:14 GMT -5
All I can say is to be thankful for the life they have lived.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Nov 19, 2013 23:13:20 GMT -5
Thyme, my mother passed away in June 2012. Unexpectedly. I spoke to her on Thursday, kept thinking of calling her on saturday but got busy that weekend, and got a call Tuesday night that she is no more. She was 59 and it was so, so sudden, it was such a shock I didn't know what happened. I agree with iamwino....I am jealous of people who know their parent(s) is dying. It gives you time to prepare, to get into the frame of mind, although unknowingly. i would totally encourage your DH to spend more time with his dad. One of he biggest regrets I have is all the time I "think" I could have spent with mom. What if I hadn't decided to cancel my trip that one year? What if I hadn't argued with her in that year of high school? What if they would have visited me more often? What if ? What if ? What if .......? Other thing, if he doesn't want to talk about it, let him be !! Initial grief is so painful. For about first 6 months after my mom's death I hated talking about her. To anyone, even with DH. Any talk related to her brought back painful memories of happy times. I wanted to hear her, to smell her, to talk to her, to hear her voice, to be near her. Since I couldn't, I just avoided talking about her. About 6 months after her death i had a breakdown. I cried non stop last December. I was literally a overflowing teapot. DH (bless the guy) just let me be. He didn't stop me or tried anything. He was just ..... there. Sometimes I cried on his shoulder and sometimes alone. Unfortunately, the kids who lose the parents have to be the onedto go through the intense grieveing prcess. Its an emotional roller coaster. One day of intense pain may be followed by an ok week. Its just what it is. I am just getting to a point that I can talk about my mom without sniffing. Its been 1.5 years and I still dont feel normal. So if your DH has up and down mood swings it is completely normal. For now all you can do is encourage him to spend more time with his dad . Good. Luck with everything
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2013 23:15:10 GMT -5
I am sorry about your FIL Thyme. Not to hijack but I'm in the same boat with my beloved FIL. He has an inoperable glioblastoma in his brain and is just waiting to die. Any medical treatment will not help at this point and he's 80 years old and has lived his life. Got to see all 6 of his 6 kids get married and met his first great-grandchild. What more could he ask for? His family, parents and 3 brothers, are waiting for him to go home to them and he knows it. Grief has no end date. My dad died very suddenly 6 months after I got married (massive heart attack) and I still cry about it. Usually I'm drunk but still... My mother is a different kettle of beef stew. (Loathe fish) I miss her but her death wasn't as sudden so not as heart-breakingly difficult. My MOST important piece of advice is, do NOT tell the loved one after any period of time that they have to get over it. All that guarantees is a giant slap to the fool that says it. (DH) Jackass said that to me after a few months, or maybe years, booze kind of got in the way, and if it weren't for the fact that I would kill my mother if I had to live with her, I would have been a real early widow. Just be there for DH and drag his ass to his parents by the ear if you have to. He will appreciate the time with them later when it is no longer there. Hell, I immensely enjoyed my FIL hollering at DH about taking medication for his MS because he refuses to but his father went on a tirade after I ratted him out and will now start taking something for his legs. FINALLY!! Again, so sorry. It sucks all around.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Nov 19, 2013 23:18:42 GMT -5
I'm sorry thyme. We haven't been there yet, so no advice. I'm sure your Dh appreciates your support though.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Nov 19, 2013 23:21:58 GMT -5
empress - I'm sorry to hear about your FIL.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2013 23:47:54 GMT -5
empress - I'm sorry to hear about your FIL. Thanks Taz. I just hope it doesn't drag out as long as Hospice thinks it will. Man is in great physical shape.
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msventoux
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Post by msventoux on Nov 20, 2013 0:51:11 GMT -5
Sorry you're dealing with this. My mom just recently passed away after a very brief illness. From this side of things it's not helpful at all to have people try to impose their criteria for grief or behavior on you. It's fine to share experiences or offer suggestions, but there's a couple of people who are convinced that I'm grieving "wrong" (too emotional/not emotional enough, went back to work too soon/need to get more activities to distract myself). I'm about to cut off contact with them since I don't have the energy or patience at this point to ignore or humor them as I would have in the past.
I also really want to try to get back to some semblance of normalcy and it's weird to have people tiptoe around doing things they normally wouldn't and that I don't want them to do. I get that it's awkward and they don't know what to do to help, but outright asking what I need and respecting my wishes would be most welcome at this point.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Nov 20, 2013 2:16:21 GMT -5
My husband came home from work tonight in a great mood. I think the stress at work compounded his mood. But he knocked a big thing off his list, so he was kind of elated. It was a good time to suggest that he spend more time with his Dad, and that it might help him later...after his Dad is gone. He said he would think about it. He said "It is just so depressing to be there with them." And it is - I get it. I don't know. I told him to do what he needed to do, and if that meant that a couple times a week I handle the home-front, I can make that happen. (After all, I am "The Amazing Mommy!")
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Nov 20, 2013 11:08:52 GMT -5
I understand those that say they are jealous of those that were given time to prepare for their parent's death; however, even though I lost my mom suddenly I am glad she did not "linger" in pain with some terrible disease. I will take losing her suddenly, with little suffering on her part, any day over having her wither away over the course of several months or years.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Nov 21, 2013 7:02:09 GMT -5
There is no easy way to lose anyone. My dad died suddenly and tragically. My mom had a lingering death in the nursing home. I can't say one way to go is somehow better or easy. However, death is just part of all of our lives. And, all of our lives are meant to end. My brother died at age 19. So, when you lose someone that young, you not only lose who they were but also you lose their entire future of who they would have become and their potential spouse, children, etc. You lose a future that never was. When I lost my parents it was like losing a huge part of Past. The people who were always by my side throughout my life. But, I was thankful they did get to live a full life full of children, careers, homes, travel, grandchildren, pets, etc. And, I don't mark the day of their deaths. How or what day they died is nowhere near as important as how they lived. So, I try to not focus on that so much and that helps me. But, grief is different for everyone so do what works for you.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Nov 21, 2013 12:09:07 GMT -5
Thyme, I'm sorry.
I have not lost a parent, but both of DH's are gone. We were living together, but not yet married when his father died. They were not close, so I was surprised at the intensity of DH's emotions. Probably some guilt about the lack of closeness. I tried to give him space and did not ask him to talk about it (unless he brought it up).
It was harder when his mom died. I had become very close to her so I was grieving as well. I wanted to talk about my own grief and DH, again, did not want to talk. I learned to discuss with a supportive friend who listened to me and let DH deal with it in his own way.
No easy way and everyone is different. It's tough on all concerned.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Nov 25, 2013 20:00:55 GMT -5
He's back in the hospital - with pneumonia. I wonder if he will be out for Thanksgiving, and if he is - I wonder if he will be able to make it over to my BIL's house. If he is in the hospital, will we all get together without him? This is so weird.
But, glad to report that my DH is out there with him. He said they were just hanging out and watching the game together.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Nov 25, 2013 20:36:26 GMT -5
You all will do what feels right. Last Thanksgiving we actually spent in the emergency department with my brother and his damn pulmonary embolism. I live two hours from my family, an hour and a half from the hospital he was taken, and they live 45 minutes from the hospital. It was a long ass day, but I'm glad we were all there together. My BIL stayed home with the niece and nephew and finished making the Thanksgiving meal. We were starving (we had the cookies I had the sense to remember to bring and cafeteria sandwiches) so when we stopped at my Mom's to pack an overnight back for my brother, we definitely gorged on food. Glad to read your DH is visiting!
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Nov 26, 2013 8:11:14 GMT -5
Thoughts going out to you.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jan 1, 2014 17:22:53 GMT -5
He went into hospice today. They took him off everything - dialysis, kidney meds, heart meds, and his diabetes meds. I can't imagine he will last too long without his drug cocktail that was holding everything together. Happy new year
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jan 1, 2014 17:27:33 GMT -5
I'm sorry Thyme.
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Cass
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Post by Cass on Jan 1, 2014 17:28:50 GMT -5
Sorry
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Jan 1, 2014 17:33:52 GMT -5
I am very sorry.
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grits
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Post by grits on Jan 1, 2014 17:37:27 GMT -5
Thyme, we all deal with it differently, and in different stages. I have lost all of the relatives most dear to me. It is a process. You'll be fine for a while, and something will trigger a deep emotion. It can happen years after the initial loss. He is going to need you to love him, and be tender and kind to him.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2014 17:48:46 GMT -5
Sorry Thyme.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 1, 2014 17:59:00 GMT -5
Thyme, I'm truly sorry for your family's loss. I'm glad, however, to hear FIL is in hospice. Those folks are magnificent. They not only care for the patient but also are there for the family. In hospice, FIL will pass with dignity and without suffering. Just lean into that with your DH and take advantage of the hospice staff's experience. It's always difficult, but this is, surely, the best way under the circumstances. Hugs, Thyme, and hugs to your DH.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jan 1, 2014 18:02:18 GMT -5
Thyme hon I am so sorry.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jan 1, 2014 18:16:19 GMT -5
So sorry to hear this Thyme. to you, DH, and the little Thymelets
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Jan 1, 2014 18:25:19 GMT -5
I'm so sorry Thyme. Thinking of you and your family.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jan 1, 2014 18:37:42 GMT -5
I'm sorry thyme. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jan 1, 2014 18:43:35 GMT -5
Thyme, I'm truly sorry for your family's loss. I'm glad, however, to hear FIL is in hospice. Those folks are magnificent. They not only care for the patient but also are there for the family. In hospice, FIL will pass with dignity and without suffering. Just lean into that with your DH and take advantage of the hospice staff's experience. It's always difficult, but this is, surely, the best way under the circumstances. Hugs, Thyme, and hugs to your DH. Completely agree. Hospice was a great comfort to both my mom and me when she passed.
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