DD is coming home on Sun! But I'm worried she'll be unhappy.

[Deleted]

How time flies!!! DD has finished her 6-mo internship in Carmel, CA, went on a 10-day road trip with her roommate and her roommate's friend / sister / cousin and is now in NY to spend six days with my family. She gets home on Sunday and starts her third and last year of college on Tuesday. (College is 3 years here, and Mon is a holiday here.)

DH and I talked a lot tonight. We are both worried that DD, who is "fragile", will become depressed when she gets home. She's coming home to school (which she loathes and really struggles with), bad weather, no boyfriend, an uncertain circle of friends. (She and her ex BF have shared the same circle of friends since they met at 16, 5 years ago.) We're in the suburbs and DD doesn't drive, she refuses to take driving lessons during the school year because she feels she can't handle that on top of school. (It's much harder here than in the US, the vast majority of kids fail the exam at least once, often twice. And it's CRAZY expensive, like $1500, so we won't push her to do it if she doesn't feel ready.)

As much as we miss her, we both feel she'd be happier sharing an apt with school friends, but we can't afford that on top of her tuition.

We have decided to wait and see and hope for the best. Hopefully it will be fine and she will be happy to be back home and it will all work out. For now we are definitely not even going to bring up that possibility. But, it's at the back of my mind. So I'm thinking that if she's not "settled in" by January, we may suggest she take out some SLs to share an apt in Paris with school friends until she graduates (Gd willing) in June.

Until she left on this internship, DD has always acted like a "little old lady": stayed very close to home, rarely went out, always went to bed early. During this six-month internship, she spent six months sharing an apt with two other people her age (other interns at the same hotel, from another campus of her school), and working (which she far prefers to school), and having fun. Inevitably, coming home / living in the burbs / going back to school is going to be a major adjustment for her.

Again, we're not going to say anything to her, we're going to wait and see what happens. But we feel it would NOT be the end of the world if she borrowed 6K to live in Paris for six months till she (hopefully) graduates in June. Which would mean she would graduate with her Bachelors with a grand total of 6K in SLs. We would continue to pay her tuition, but we can't afford to pay room and board in commuting distance on top of that.

Thoughts? 

[swamp]

$6k is so worth not hating your life. 

[cronewitch]

Good luck to her, hope she is happy with her life.

[Deleted]

Thank you Swamp and Crone. I think that's settled then LOL. 

I still won't say anything to her about it, and I think the thrill of being back home will last for at least a week or two. But I'm not going to nix the idea if she is unhappy by Christmas. 

I have to admit I really expected to hear about how DD should "tough it out" for seven months. 

Last thing, Swamp, to make sure we're on the same page: if she feels the need to do that, it would be HER SL loan, not ours. IE SHE would reimburse it, not us (I'll help her if I can but no guarantees.)

[swamp]

Again $6k is nothing she will pay that off in no time. 

[Deleted]

I'm not sure she would pay it off in "no time" with a Bachelors in Hotel Management, but she would definitely be able to pay it off. 

I brought up the idea of going for her Masters. (Her school just started a Masters in Luxury Hotel Management with an exclusive partnership with the newest, poshest hotel in Paris.) Unfortunately I got a resounding "F.UCK NO!!!" LOL

Obviously I'm hoping she'll change her mind, but I'm certainly not counting on it, and there is no rush. She can work for a while and then decide to go back to school, that's not at all atypical in this profession. 

ETA: The important thing for all of us is that she finish her Bachelors degree. If she needs to take 6K in loans in order to do, psychologically speaking, I feel it would be money well spent. I guess I wanted confirmation of that.

Sorry to bed with me, it's late here! 

[Formerly SK]

I agree I would have her take out the loans.  If she already owed 75K I'd answer differently.  But to graduate with only 6K?  I wouldn't stress it.

[8 Bit WWBG]

I have yet to meet the person who didn't experience a little depression after going from an extremely exciting adventure to "back to the ol' routine".

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

She's made a significant step in launching.  Keep her going -- arrange for the loan and get her right into an apartment -- don't give the depression a chance to hit.  

[busymom]

Debt, I'm VERY impressed that she's made it this far into earning her college degree without any loans.  At DD's college it's around $9,000 per year for room & board.


I wouldn't feel bad about the $6,000, unless you think your DD would pitch a fit about paying it back. 

[Phoenix84]

I don't know how things work in France, but I think 6k is student loans is more than reasonable.  That is, unless she is going to make a pittance in her field, which is restaraunt and hotel management?

However, as Hoops mentioned, some depression might be normal.  If she does get depressed, I wouldn't say anything for at least a couple of months.  She might get depressed, but it might only last a week or two.

[Deleted]

Nov 4, 2013 21:14:21 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

She's made a significant step in launching.  Keep her going -- arrange for the loan and get her right into an apartment -- don't give the depression a chance to hit.  

I agree with the launching part. But the move out has to be her decision since she needs to pay for it.

[Phoenix84]

Nov 4, 2013 23:11:55 GMT -5 @bonnap said:

Nov 4, 2013 21:14:21 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

She's made a significant step in launching.  Keep her going -- arrange for the loan and get her right into an apartment -- don't give the depression a chance to hit.  

I agree with the launching part. But the move out has to be her decision since she needs to pay for it.

Precisely.  She's an adult.  To take, or not to take on a loan should be Debthaven's daughter's decision.  Debthaven shouldn't be "arranging" anything.  This is all assuming DD will even agree to it. 

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Well, Debt has described her daughter as "fragile".  If her "fragility" tends to make her less likely to step out of her comfort zone, then bravo to her for having spent the last six months so far away from family and friends in a very new and very different setting.  It sounds as if that experience was a success on many levels/fronts.  I say build from that success and nudge her to spread her wings even further by coming back and living on her own while she finishes college.  

But, every kid and every family is different and Debt has to do what is best for her and her daughter.  

[tskeeter]

Debt, I don't think your daughter is as fragile as you are concerned she is.  She's been away from Mom, Dad, and her friends for six full months.  That's long enough to get pretty homesick.  She's dealt with the inevitable inconveniences and conflicts of having a roommate.  I expect she made some new friends.  She's adapted to living in another country.  She did it pretty much on her own.  And she didn't come running home because life was too tough for her to deal with.  If she can do that, she ain't no pansy.
 

[Deleted]

  Your DD may surprise you! She is not the same girl she was when she left. 

[Deleted]

Thanks for your comments! It's very true, DD is definitely not the same person she was six months ago! Her internship was definitely a great success in MANY ways!

GRG it would need to be her decision. I would never want her to feel we were "kicking her out of the house". Also, there's no "campus", so she'd have to find an apt to share, and people to share it  with. She would have to do that on her own. 

But I do agree that if she starts getting depressed, or even if this is just something she prefers, I will encourage her to do it sooner rather than later. You are right, I would not want depression setting in. Her whole class goes back to school next week. So if a housing opportunity presents itself and she wants to do it, there's no point in making her "wait" till Jan. That's a great point.

As for being "fragile" ... very true, she may not feel or act like that anymore. My fear is that she really struggles at school, and she really hates it. She is happy and well when she's working (like she has been for the past 6 months). That's why I'm a bit worried about her ... because school is starting again. I think living with friends / other students may help mitigate that.

We chose this university because it offers intensive but short (six-month) "school years" and long internships. Some weeks of those six months are spent working in / managing the school restaurant. DD is always MUCH happier those weeks than the weeks she has class.

[Phoenix84]

Nov 5, 2013 12:34:00 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

Well, Debt has described her daughter as "fragile".  If her "fragility" tends to make her less likely to step out of her comfort zone, then bravo to her for having spent the last six months so far away from family and friends in a very new and very different setting.  It sounds as if that experience was a success on many levels/fronts.  I say build from that success and nudge her to spread her wings even further by coming back and living on her own while she finishes college.  

But, every kid and every family is different and Debt has to do what is best for her and her daughter.  

Either way, it's only like 6 months one way or the other.  I've had far longer periods of my life that sucked than six months.  I doubt being depressed for six months would make or break her future, or otherwise cause permanent harm, or regression or whatever you want to call it.  But on the other hand, as I said, 6k isn't a big deal either.  I think it's fine either way.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Nov 5, 2013 13:10:04 GMT -5 @debthaven2 said:

GRG it would need to be her decision. I would never want her to feel we were "kicking her out of the house". Also, there's no "campus", so she'd have to find an apt to share, and people to share it  with. She would have to do that on her own. 

Well, sure, I agree that putting her stuff in storage and renting her room out before she gets back to France might be a little...how should I put it?...abrupt.  

At any rate, as the parent of a kid with LDs, I am thrilled to hear she has found a career area where she experiences success.  Go DH's daughter, launch, launch!!!!

[Deleted]

Additional info: I just spoke to my sister, privately (DD was out). DD is apparently quite worried at living at home again and losing her circle of friends, because her ex BF has a new GF. He and DD were together for 4.5 years, since beginning of HS, so they have both had the same social circle for all that time, from 16 1/2 to 21. They broke up because of the distance, but even if (per my sister) DD is currently rewriting history, the breakup was DD's doing, not his. I think some part of DD thought her ex would pine and wait for her ... and he hasn't (which is how it should be). Well he did for a few months, but now he has somebody else. He is a LOVELY young man. 

My sister thinks having DD live in Paris with friends from school is a fantastic idea. She says 5K or 6K is meaningless in the scheme of things, especially since DD has no other loans. She doesn't think I should "wait to see what happens", she thinks I should offer that option to DD pretty much as soon as she comes home next weekend. She (rightfully IMO) pointed out that even if DD does opt to stay home, it will make her feel MUCH better to know that she has options, and that she is not "stuck" here. 

Also, I wasn't sure about posting this or not ... about the "fragile" label ... DD used to be a cutter. Thank Gd that period didn't last long, but it was a horrific time for all of us, and I suppose on some level we all live in fear of her starting again. 

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Remind her that she so does not want to be tied down to a boyfriend at home when in just six months she could be jetting off to live and work in some very cool exotic place.  

[Deleted]

I do, GRG, all the time! LOL! But he was her "safety net" from 16 to 21, so I know coming home is going to be weird for her. He is a lovely young man, but I know there will be others. 

Her BFF wants to come with us to pick her up from the airport. Of course we said yes! 

ETA: She is hell-bent on working in Hawaii after graduation. She wanted to do her internship there but we said no, because we just couldn't afford the airfare and accommodation there, it's CRAZY expensive! But that's her next goal. 

It's been a hard road ... I'm sure things will turn out as well with your kids too! But until they do, it's a constant struggle. It's been two steps forward and one step back, for 21 years. 

[justme]

With the additional info - I would definitely maybe even push a little to her getting her own place. Away from where she probably spent a lot of time with him, and new scenery, chance to get new circles to go with. And, as I'm sure you will, keep the lines open and that even if the apartment doesn't work out she can come back home. Yeah, she might be out that money, but I'm with everyone else that in the scheme of a college education $6k is nothing.

[Deleted]

Justzombies, after talking to my sister tonight, I totally agree. And if DD does get her own place, she can always come home whenever she wants, even during the week (it's about a 45m commute to her school, and she's been doing it for two years.). 

I'm so glad I started this thread ... I felt so reticent about this, since we are indeed in commuting distance. I have wished I could afford it for her, but I can't.

But after seeing all your comments, and talking to my sister, I definitely feel that offering DD the option is the right thing to do. And I'm sure I could help her out a bit too, if she does opt for that. 

Thank you all! 

[Deleted]

Nov 5, 2013 14:13:28 GMT -5 @debthaven2 said:

I do, GRG, all the time! LOL! But he was her "safety net" from 16 to 21, so I know coming home is going to be weird for her. He is a lovely young man, but I know there will be others. 

Her BFF wants to come with us to pick her up from the airport. Of course we said yes! 

ETA: She is hell-bent on working in Hawaii after graduation. She wanted to do her internship there but we said no, because we just couldn't afford the airfare and accommodation there, it's CRAZY expensive! But that's her next goal. 

It's been a hard road ... I'm sure things will turn out as well with your kids too! But until they do, it's a constant struggle. It's been two steps forward and one step back, for 21 years. 

Aloha Debt...from Kauai.

If she can get a job here, she'll be fine. Some things are pricy but it's not horrible.

People are soooooo nice here.

[Works4me]

Debt -
I agree that talking openly with her about the possible living situations is good as it letting it be her decision for all reasons. What I think is best is that you are willing to try to talk with her - that shows faith in her.

Bonny -
I hate you - you are in my all time favorite place - Kauai - if you you are on the far side of the Island - I may never speak to you again. LOL - seriously, enjoy yourself and ALOHA to you two, too.

[Deleted]

Nov 6, 2013 1:21:53 GMT -5 Works4me said:

Bonny -
I hate you - you are in my all time favorite place - Kauai - if you you are on the far side of the Island - I may never speak to you again. LOL - seriously, enjoy yourself and ALOHA to you two, too.

No we are in Anahola; just north of Kapa'a. We have stayed in Poipu before but we love it here. Very quiet and peaceful...other than the roosters, LOL. We are one house from the beach. You can check it out here; www.tripadvisor.com/VacationRentalReview-g60609-d1976967-Anahola_Beach_House-Anahola_Kauai_Hawaii.html

Sorry for the hijack Debt but if DD is serious about coming to Hawaii, let me know. The owner here is a wonderful resource and may be helpful (or at least point her in the right direction) especially with respect to housing.

[souldoubt]

To the OP I think the entire experience could have changed your daughter much more than you think.  I took a while to come out of my shell as well being pretty laid back in high school and I more than made up for it during college.  A lot of people I knew who were book worms and good students in high school eventually came out of their shells.

Bonny - I too am insanely jealous.  Stayed in Poipu in August and despite living in sunny SoCal my desire to move to Kauai hasn't diminished in the slightest the last few months. 

[Deleted]

Thanks for the additional comments!

Bonny I am jealous too lol! I will definitely let you know if DD goes to Hawaii after school (heck I'm sure all of YM will know lol). 

But first, DD has to concentrate on her last year of school and finishing her degree!   

Today I looked up the SLs at our credit union ... they are currently at 2.5%. I ran a few simulations and it would be eminently do-able. I WOULD make DD take out the SLs, if she opts to live in Paris. But I'm sure I could help her out a bit (once I'm done paying for her tuition, last payment is in June). 

[Works4me]

Bonny -
By the far side of the island I was referring to Princeville, Hanalei and Haena - called the far side because it's as far from the airport in Lihue as you can drive. The outlaws had a condo there that we used to use and I loved it more than anywhere else. Please say hello to the island for me and that I hope to come back soon. That said, you sure got a great price on what looks to be a wonderful house. Hope you and your DH are enjoying the relaxing climate and environment.

Debt -
I too am sorry for the hijack but if DD does end up in HI after her last year of school, maybe we can hold an international meet-up there! If appropriate, please tell her that I know she can get through this last year and will be successful in life. She succeeded on all fronts at a 6 month internship in a foreign (to her) country and then various travels - if she can do that here she can do anything she sets her mind to!