Firefly
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Nov 2, 2013 22:13:10 GMT -5
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Post by Firefly on Nov 2, 2013 22:13:10 GMT -5
Ok, I seem to be having a lot of family drama lately. My DH wants his daughter to move to the U.S from Denmark, permanently by next year. She is 13 now so will probably be 14 by then. I don't have kids and don't really want to be responsible for a teenager. Is it unreasonable for me to insist that she continues to stay with her mom until she graduates high school?
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justme
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Post by justme on Nov 2, 2013 22:20:31 GMT -5
Unless you had some agreement with him before you married that his kids would never live with you, then yes I think you are being unreasonable. Not sure how you marry someone with a minor kid without being ok that the kid may come to live with you or be a big part of your life. That was one of the biggest hurdles with the last guy I dated and I wouldn't have kept dating him if I wasn't ok taking on some form of a "mom" role if we got serious.
Plus, considering you've been playing host to your sister and cousin for I don't know how long, I'd be pissed as hell if after that you turn around and told me my own kid couldn't live with us. It's ok to bend over backward for your extended family, but not ok to for his (er, yours too since you married him) immediate family?
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Nov 2, 2013 22:22:08 GMT -5
Unless you had some agreement with him before you married that his kids would never live with you, then yes I think you are being unreasonable. Not sure how you marry someone with a minor kid without being ok that the kid may come to live with you or be a big part of your life. Plus, considering you've been playing host to your sister and cousin for I don't know how long, I'd be pissed as hell if after that you turn around and told me my own kid couldn't live with us. It's ok to bend over backward for your extended family, but not ok to for his (er, yours too since you married him) immediate family?
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Nov 2, 2013 22:24:50 GMT -5
What about the bio mom? I'm assuming, because the child is still in Denmark, that she has physical custody. Is this wishful thinking on his part, or is the bio mom willing to let her DD come to the US?
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Firefly
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Nov 2, 2013 22:34:56 GMT -5
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Post by Firefly on Nov 2, 2013 22:34:56 GMT -5
What about the bio mom? I'm assuming, because the child is still in Denmark, that she has physical custody. Is this wishful thinking on his part, or is the bio mom willing to let her DD come to the US? Probably wishful thinking on his part. But the daughter has been asking to move here because apparently she can't stand her own mom now
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2013 2:17:13 GMT -5
I am sorry, but you do not marry a person with a child if you have no desire to be a parent. I think you are absolutely being unreasonable.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Nov 3, 2013 2:41:20 GMT -5
Teenagers can often play one parent off against another, if they are estranged. It may be as well to communicate with mum and make sure the boundaries etc are the same and you are singing from the same hymnsheet. However she is his child, she is a minor and space should be made for her.....However difficult that may be.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2013 6:31:31 GMT -5
Are you saying that you don't want to be a parent at all? Or are you saying that you think that you will mostly be in charge of the girl & that is not what you want?
Why would the father of the child not be the primary care-taker of his teenage child? What is his expectation of you if the child comes to live with you? Maybe you should get that worked out first. When you got married, what discussions were there are the topic of being or becoming parents? If you do not want to be a parent, you better have that discussion with him now. NOTHING worse than moving a kid into a home with someone that doesn't want them there.
It does seem odd that you feel you can move non dependent adults from your family into the home without your husband's permission, but you balk at him moving a dependent child in.
PS it is completely normal for teenage girls to hate their mom at that age. It is part of the cycle of independence.
What is the deal with travel or living arrangements? It does not seem like you and your husband live together full time. Is this travel work or personal? Is this what creates the concern about you having to fully take care of the child? If your DH travels a significant part of the year, it would not be appropriate to move the child from the mom's to his home.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Nov 3, 2013 7:35:05 GMT -5
Did you always feel this way, or is this a recent change? You can tell your Dh how you feel. You are entitled to your feelings, and I wouldn't be excited about signing on as a full time step mom to a 14 year old either.
However, as a parent of minor kids I will say 100% that my kids come first and I wouldn't have anyone in my life that didn't want them around. We'll see how I feel when they're grown, but my guess is anyone who asked me to pick between them and my kids would get shown the door.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2013 8:32:21 GMT -5
Well, there you go- the perfect reason you have to get the deadbeats out of your house!
Personally, I'd rather host a 13-year old from a place I've never been than a couple of freeloading adults who refuse to get on their own two feet. And, frankly, girls need strong relationships with their fathers.
Have you met her? Do you know anything about her other than that she doesn't get along with her mother? How will she adapt to life in the US? How good is her English? How good is the school she'd be attending? She needs to make sure that she doesn't have some dream of life in the USA that's a totally different picture from how you live. If she's picturing the Upper East Side of Manhattan and you live in Wichita, she's going to have a shock. (Although we live in a flyover state and one friend reported that their European exchange student ended up happier that they'd gotten placed here because this was "real America".) Finally, I'd either learn Danish or have some ground rules about them not speaking Danish together when they're around you. (I'd vote for learning Danish.)
My sympathy is with the unhappy 13-year old. Try not to close the door on her. Remember that if your husband is worried about how she's doing back in Denmark that will put a strain on your marriage, too.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Nov 3, 2013 8:48:39 GMT -5
YES it is unreasonable. especially if you actually want to stay married.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2013 9:10:15 GMT -5
yep..
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Nov 3, 2013 9:16:59 GMT -5
I said a few days ago that I guess I would be by myself if anything happened to DH. This is why. I couldn't accept a man that couldn't accept my kids.
Hope it works out for you.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Nov 3, 2013 10:03:00 GMT -5
Yep, we're a package deal. But on the other hand FF may not even "know" the SD, since she lives in another country. If the SD has never visited her dad in the states or FF has never been to where the SD lives, then FF really doesn't know the girl's personality. It's also possible that FF is scared to be a parent, not having served in that role before.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Nov 3, 2013 10:19:18 GMT -5
I have do idea how old her sister is, but she may have been doing this her whole life. Her sister is someone she is familiar with and not someone that she really doesn't know.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Nov 3, 2013 10:39:11 GMT -5
I agree Sroo, I think that she's scared of being a parent (something she should have thought long and hard about before saying I do) or she selfish about caring only for her side of family.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2013 11:33:11 GMT -5
I said a few days ago that I guess I would be by myself if anything happened to DH. This is why. I couldn't accept a man that couldn't accept my kids. Don't lump all stepparents together. My parents divorced when I was two and later remarried. Both of my stepparents are amazing and I feel very blessed to have them in my life, especially my stepfather. My biological Dad lived far away and wasn't around much when I was growing up. I honestly feel in my heart that SD is my "Dad" and to this day he's always there whenever I or my boys need him.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2013 12:35:35 GMT -5
I said a few days ago that I guess I would be by myself if anything happened to DH. This is why. I couldn't accept a man that couldn't accept my kids. I agree with minnesotapaintlady. One of the best things I ever did for DS was marry current DH. We dated for 6 years and the relationship grew very slowly, but my son finally got the strong but loving male guidance he sorely needed. I didn't go looking for a potential stepfather when DH and I started dating, and DH certainly wasn't looking for a woman with a troubled but inherently decent 12-year old, but that's what he got. Like you, I would have concluded that if he hadn't wanted to have anything to do with DS it would have been a deal-breaker. I'm certainly glad I was open to remarrying, though. We've all been blessed. But to go back to the OP- you do need to find out what you might be taking on with DSD- certainly you don't want to send someone back to Denmark with more problems than she had when she got here- but a change of scenery and developing a stronger relationship with her father may be just what she needs. It may even help that you have no intention of trying to take over the mother role if you can just be a sympathetic listener and help her through a difficult time.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Nov 3, 2013 12:43:21 GMT -5
Wow, you are going to insist that his own child can't live with him? If he is any kind of man, the minute you "insist" is the minute he walks out. I can't imagine someone insisting that my own children couldn't live with me. That would be the end of the relationship.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2013 12:59:42 GMT -5
My children and I were a package deal. Anyone that didn't want to have to deal with kids was not a suitable person for a serious relationship with me.
Now that I'm done raising my children, I'm on the other side. I'm not a suitable person for a serious relationship with anyone that has minor children, because I don't want the responsibility. I feel like even though they're not my children, I'd still have a role to play and some responsibility towards the children. If a man feels like he can be in a serious relationship with me and I don't have to deal with his children, he's not the kind of man I'd want anyway. I couldn't respect a man that would abandon his children to be with me.
All that to say, yes I think it would be wrong for you to insist that your stepdaughter live with her Mother if your husband feels like it would be good/better for her to live with him. Sure, it would require a lot of adjustment and changes, but she's his child. You and he should talk about both your expectations from each other and the daughter and what you all would like to see happen, but you already agreed to the possibility of being responsible for a teenager when you married a man with a child. What kind of man and Dad would your husband be if he let you backtrack now and stayed with you?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2013 13:16:15 GMT -5
A couple more thoughts-
first of all, to paraphrase something DH asked when I was agonizing over the potential cost of sending DS to military school: what if you refuse to take SD in and she never finds her direction in life? Won't you and DH wonder if it might have turned out differently if you'd let her live with you? (And, in our case, sending DS to military school was a real turning point for the better.)
Second- I'm thinking from the point of view of your SD, but how would you feel if you were at war with your mother, you reached out to your father, and he said you couldn't live with him because his new wife doesn't want you? Ouch. You do need to make sure that having her live with you will be better for her and not worse, but you at least need to talk about it.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Nov 3, 2013 14:49:40 GMT -5
A 12 year old who hates her mother?! I've never heard of such a thing.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2013 15:09:07 GMT -5
A 12 year old who hates her mother?! I've never heard of such a thing. I thought that hating your parents at some point in your teens was a "requirement". Anyone that can say they never once in their teen hated their parent is the exception to the rule, not the rule.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2013 15:44:07 GMT -5
I actually don't see any issue with her saying "no" if her DH is on the road 50% of the time. That would mean that the child/youth is coming & actually being raised by Firefly. Although I would not marry someone without them having that commitment, we don't know what expectations were set up front between FF & DH.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Nov 3, 2013 15:49:03 GMT -5
I actually don't see any issue with her saying "no" if her DH is on the road 50% of the time. That would mean that the child/youth is coming & actually being raised by Firefly. Although I would not marry someone without them having that commitment, we don't know what expectations were set up front between FF & DH. Personally, I would never marry a man who would tell me that his child would never live with us. That is his flesh and blood and a man that would care so little about his child that he would promise that the child would never live with us, is not a man I would want to marry. I certainly wouldn't want to have kids with a man like that. If the mom dies, should the kid just to to an orphanage so the OP doesn't have to out up with her?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2013 16:06:20 GMT -5
I actually don't see any issue with her saying "no" if her DH is on the road 50% of the time. That would mean that the child/youth is coming & actually being raised by Firefly. Although I would not marry someone without them having that commitment, we don't know what expectations were set up front between FF & DH. Personally, I would never marry a man who would tell me that his child would never live with us. That is his flesh and blood and a man that would care so little about his child that he would promise that the child would never live with us, is not a man I would want to marry. I certainly wouldn't want to have kids with a man like that. If the mom dies, should the kid just to to an orphanage so the OP doesn't have to out up with her? But this isn't a situation of a deceased primary parent & remaining parent. I can agree with your point, but I can also see that other people chose to live their lives differently, so I wouldn't assume that my rule set is the only one that applies. #1 - Just because a teen "hates" their parent, you don't let them leverage the split couple to "teach mom a lesson" or because dad will be more permissive because he isn't a parent. Dad hasn't been a parent and probably just hears teen's side and thinks he'll run to the rescue. Might be a very stupid thing to do. #2 - What you want and do in your relationships is your business. Firefly hasn't said what expectations were set prior to them getting married, so could have been a totally different deal. I am interested in what agreements they had. There are a number of 2nd wives that want to "erase" the existence of the first family so for some strange reason they don't have to admit to being a 2nd wife (I don't get it, but I've seen enough of them I'd say it's not unusual). Maybe Firefly thought with ex and kid in another country she'd never actually have to deal with it; or it was never ever discussed for the same reason. #3 - Maybe FF doesn't want to be a mom at all and would chose leaving the relationship over having to be a mom? FYI Ms T . . . this raises a point that I was just discussing with my DD last night. As we heard a news story of two children dying in a house fire, but parents got out. I don't understand at all the "we couldn't get to them". I'm sure these things are tense and stressful and unimaginable, but WTF --- I'll burn trying to get to my kids before I'll accept I can't get to them. Meaning, anything less than dying in the effort is not okay if all of your kids are trapped on the other side of a wall of fire with no way to get out.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Nov 3, 2013 16:20:17 GMT -5
Personally, I would never marry a man who would tell me that his child would never live with us. That is his flesh and blood and a man that would care so little about his child that he would promise that the child would never live with us, is not a man I would want to marry. I certainly wouldn't want to have kids with a man like that. If the mom dies, should the kid just to to an orphanage so the OP doesn't have to out up with her? But this isn't a situation of a deceased primary parent & remaining parent. I can agree with your point, but I can also see that other people chose to live their lives differently, so I wouldn't assume that my rule set is the only one that applies. #1 - Just because a teen "hates" their parent, you don't let them leverage the split couple to "teach mom a lesson" or because dad will be more permissive because he isn't a parent. Dad hasn't been a parent and probably just hears teen's side and thinks he'll run to the rescue. Might be a very stupid thing to do. #2 - What you want and do in your relationships is your business. Firefly hasn't said what expectations were set prior to them getting married, so could have been a totally different deal. I am interested in what agreements they had. There are a number of 2nd wives that want to "erase" the existence of the first family so for some strange reason they don't have to admit to being a 2nd wife (I don't get it, but I've seen enough of them I'd say it's not unusual). Maybe Firefly thought with ex and kid in another country she'd never actually have to deal with it; or it was never ever discussed for the same reason. #3 - Maybe FF doesn't want to be a mom at all and would chose leaving the relationship over having to be a mom? FYI Ms T . . . this raises a point that I was just discussing with my DD last night. As we heard a news story of two children dying in a house fire, but parents got out. I don't understand at all the "we couldn't get to them". I'm sure these things are tense and stressful and unimaginable, but WTF --- I'll burn trying to get to my kids before I'll accept I can't get to them. Meaning, anything less than dying in the effort is not okay if all of your kids are trapped on the other side of a wall of fire with no way to get out. She asked for our opinions. I'm giving her mine. Any man that would just a woman over his own flesh and blood is not a man worthy of my love. Any person that would make me choose between them and my children is not someone I would want to be with. If my children chose to live with their father (assuming we were divorced) but then called to live with me. No questions asked, they have a home wih me. If FF wasn't interested in beinga parent, she shouldn't have married someone with a child. Anything could happen to the mom
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Nov 3, 2013 16:32:30 GMT -5
Yikes. I'm not sure I understand how anyone could say to their spouse that his/her minor child couldn't live with them unless that child was a definite criminal and there were other children in the house. Right now, I won't allow DSS#2 to live with us, but DH and I are in agreement about that AND he is now 23. We didn't allow him to come home once he had turned 22. Up until then, he was welcome to be at home as ling as he followed our rules. Firefly, was this discussed prior to your marriage?
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Nov 3, 2013 16:45:15 GMT -5
Yikes. I'm not sure I understand how anyone could say to their spouse that his/her minor child couldn't live with them unless that child was a definite criminal and there were other children in the house. Right now, I won't allow DSS#2 to live with us, but DH and I are in agreement about that AND he is now 23. We didn't allow him to come home once he had turned 22. Up until then, he was welcome to be at home as ling as he followed our rules. Firefly, was this discussed prior to your marriage? I think that is what I'm struggling with. It is his CHILD! Seriously, in any wrap my head around tellin my. Husband that his child couldn't live with him. Blood is thicker than water....I would always pick my child. An adult child is different. I don't want to be dealing with "Failure to Launch" scenarios. But a minor child??
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Nov 3, 2013 17:39:25 GMT -5
This is a toughie....
Well, no -- I don't think you are totally unreasonable for not wanting a teenager to move in. You are allowed to want what you want. A teenager is hard enough for those who have had the benefit of 12 years of relationship building. To hit the ground running in year 13 or 14; PLUS all the issues of a new home -- nay a new COUNTRY... wow!
I just don't think you have much of a leg to stand on. Family goes to hell and back for each other, or whatever it was you asserted when it benefited you.
While I believe you shouldn't try to out and out "forbid it" (you could make it an ultimatum, but be prepared for him to walk, or to resent the ever loving crap out of you for the rest of your lives), I do believe some valid concerns have been raised.
Expectations surrounding care is a big one. Current guests aside, another full time resident is a BIG adjustment. Firefly has the right to be concerned if her workload is about to jump through the roof; and she will be expected to "make it work".
The daughters expectation is another. Does the daughter know what she is getting in to? What if Dad turns out to be a bigger hard-ass than Mom? They probably need some kind of grace period; but I suspect there is a point where the return period expires and the daughter is going to have to (quite literally) sleep in the bed she's made.
I think you should start a conversation with your DH and talk out the expectations. Its OK for you not to jump up and down with glee at this idea. However, if you love your husband and your marriage, you will find a way to make it work for both of you.
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