Shooby
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Nov 3, 2013 17:58:07 GMT -5
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Post by Shooby on Nov 3, 2013 17:58:07 GMT -5
If your DH has been separated from his child wouldn't you welcome the opportunity for that child to live with you?
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Nov 3, 2013 17:58:49 GMT -5
I mean what greater gift could you give him?
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Nov 3, 2013 21:00:04 GMT -5
I mean what greater gift could you give him? That's better than living with a moody teenage girl and a wife that doesn't want her there? A swift kick in the balls. A pet wolverine. Pretty much anything really.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 3, 2013 21:20:25 GMT -5
The only exception I can think of is someone who didn't know they had a child until s/he showed up on their doorstep...
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 4, 2013 11:13:09 GMT -5
I can't imagine this will actually come to reality. What mother would let their daughter move 2000 miles away? I just don't see it happening.
And yes, I think you need to be more open-minded about this. Your H will need your support on this. It's his minor child. You have to be supportive. You can make your own requests though, such as asking for help around the house or for him to be home more. But you guys need to have a reasonable conversation about what the challenges and difficulties will be.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2013 11:28:01 GMT -5
I don't think she has much of a leg to stand on seeing as she has not one, but two of her adult relatives (plus a baby) living there against her DH's wishes.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 4, 2013 14:58:50 GMT -5
My step-mother is not a bad person. And she likes kids- as long as she can hand them back. She sent her own daughter to boarding school. And yet, she chose to marry a man with two teenagers- two teenagers he had joint custody of. Why she made this decision, if she was lying to herself, etc, I have no idea. When she and my dad were dating, she was great. My brother and I both approved of the marriage. It wasn't until she moved in that any of us realized how bad she was at being a parent and how little she wanted to be one.
I moved out of state with my mom. My brother stayed with my dad because he only had a couple years of high school left.
I have a decent relationship with my step-mother. She and my brother can barely be civil to one another, and it almost destroyed his relationship with my father.
My father and step-mother are still married, but my father, in quiet, private moments has said that if he had known what marrying her would do to his relationship with his kids, he wouldn't have done it.
I tell this tale as one of caution. You married a man with a minor child. If you can't stand the thought of his daughter living in your house, you need to walk away.
At the same time, if he is on the road 50% of the time and wants his daughter to come live with you without changing his schedule, you have the right to put your foot down for that reason. If his daughter is going to come live with the two of you, then he needs to change his schedule so that he is actually around. His daughter requires his presence in the house the majority of the time.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Nov 4, 2013 15:08:25 GMT -5
All of the step-parent, allowing other family members to live there already, etc. aside, I would imagine there are legal hurdles to clear. I have no idea how custody agreements in Denmark work, but if your DH has joint custody, wouldn't the mom have to get approval for this huge move anyway? And how likely would it be approved given the distance, the daugther's age, and the work schedule your DH works?
IMHO I think she's a typical teenage girl going through the "I hate my mom stage". Ask questions, find out some facts and see how it plays out...
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 4, 2013 15:16:19 GMT -5
You have the right to feel how you feel but I think it's rather hypocritical and going to create some issues if you object since you've been letting your sister live with you for an indeterminate amount of time.
Plus I remember you giving me crap saying that family comes first no matter what and you'd move your sister into your home in a heartbeat it doesn't matter what your DH thinks. If you've ever voiced similar opinions to him I'd be prepared for the mother of all fights when you say you don't want his daughter living with you.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Nov 4, 2013 15:16:48 GMT -5
I agree with Justme. Unless you had a specific agreement in place with your husband that his offspring would never live with you, then I think you pretty much agreed to be a stepmother in some capacity when you married.
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Nov 4, 2013 16:21:22 GMT -5
My step-mother is not a bad person. And she likes kids- as long as she can hand them back. She sent her own daughter to boarding school. And yet, she chose to marry a man with two teenagers- two teenagers he had joint custody of. Why she made this decision, if she was lying to herself, etc, I have no idea. When she and my dad were dating, she was great. My brother and I both approved of the marriage. It wasn't until she moved in that any of us realized how bad she was at being a parent and how little she wanted to be one.
I moved out of state with my mom. My brother stayed with my dad because he only had a couple years of high school left.
I have a decent relationship with my step-mother. She and my brother can barely be civil to one another, and it almost destroyed his relationship with my father.
My father and step-mother are still married, but my father, in quiet, private moments has said that if he had known what marrying her would do to his relationship with his kids, he wouldn't have done it.
I tell this tale as one of caution. You married a man with a minor child. If you can't stand the thought of his daughter living in your house, you need to walk away.
At the same time, if he is on the road 50% of the time and wants his daughter to come live with you without changing his schedule, you have the right to put your foot down for that reason. If his daughter is going to come live with the two of you, then he needs to change his schedule so that he is actually around. His daughter requires his presence in the house the majority of the time. I am sorry this happened to you. I know that I myself went through quite an adjustment period after DH and I married. When we were dating/engaged, I thought that him having kids was a non-issue. There is a big difference between dating someone with kids, and living with someone who has kids. I didn't realize it at the time, although I had the best intentions. I have adjusted, and everything is good now, but the first year was TOUGH. I feel bad that your step mother never adjusted and wasn't able to be what you needed.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 4, 2013 17:53:22 GMT -5
chen35 - I get that if you've never had kids before, but my step-mother had her own daughter, one she had sent to boarding school because she did not like living with a kid. (I will note that I think my relationship with her might be better than her relationship with her daughter.) My step-mother is a great aunt and grandmother; she just sucks as a parent.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Nov 4, 2013 21:22:51 GMT -5
...:::"If you've ever voiced similar opinions to him I'd be prepared for the mother of all fights when you say you don't want his daughter living with you.":::...
Given recent events, its entirely possible that your DH has already decided the matter, and she's moving in.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Nov 5, 2013 10:49:43 GMT -5
Did we scare off firefly?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2013 10:56:46 GMT -5
Well, I don't think we told her what she wanted to hear....so yes.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Nov 5, 2013 14:33:10 GMT -5
I lived in Denmark for awhile. Danish is a very difficult language to master. Most young Danes have had a fair amount of English education. As Danish is pretty much only spoken in Denmark, most educated Danes speak a passable amount of English/German/French. I suspect that his daughter has taken some amount of English in school. To the OP: Before you jump to any conclusions, your DH's daughter might just be going through some of the teenage angst and anger than is common at that age. Especially trying to play one parent against the other. When was the last time that your husband saw his daughter? Might she come for a visit over the holidays or can he go and visit with her?
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haapai
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Post by haapai on Nov 6, 2013 15:49:39 GMT -5
I'm stuck at Dutch Denmark.
Why in the world would a Dutch Danish 13-year old girl want to come to live with her father in the US? Has she ever lived here? Is she fleeing a seriously dysfunctional mother or her mother's dreadful partner?
She's gotta be fleeing from a real mess, bluffing, or a complete idiot, because the odds that she'll be happy here are terrible.
I moved back to the US at that age. It was nasty.
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