Sam_2.0
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Joined: Dec 19, 2010 15:42:45 GMT -5
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Oct 25, 2013 17:02:24 GMT -5
I know my sister has a hard time with her step-daughters (15 & 17). She's only 27 so they don't see her as a mom-figure and generally they hate her. Even though BIL and his ex had been split up for a LONG time before my sister came along. I have seen my sister move heaven & hell to help those girls with whatever they needed, yet they treat her and my BIL like crap. They are hateful little monsters unless they are getting every thing that they want at the moment (and even then they still are horrible). She would never say so to them or to her husband, but she vents to me when none of them are around. And she's counting down the days until they turn 18. She hopes that once they grow up they will realize how much their dad loves them and how much he tries to help them. But it may take a long time, if they ever do at all. They seem content to follow in their mom's footsteps. Divorced parents need to make a rule never to talk about the other parent in a bad way in front of their kids. It rubs off. I have no doubt your BIL's exDW has filled his kids heads with anti-dad propaganda. Now when they come to visit their dad, they feel disloyal to their mom if they don't also hate his guts (and his new wife's guts) because they know how their mom feels. This isn't just a mom thing, I've seen dad's poison their kids the same way, and plenty of situations where both the parents constantly talk shit about the other one, making life hell for the kids in the middle. It's sad, and years from now, your DS' step kids will probably resent their mom for doing it, but it sucks right now. Yep. He was never married to their mom (they were in hs/early college when they had the girls), but she's always hated my sister because my sister is the one he finally married & settled down with. She talks horribly about my sister to the kids - even in front of BIL and DS! DS and BIL have made it a point to never talk bad about their mom when the kids are around and they do their best to support & uphold decisions that the mom makes whenever possible. But the girls believe all the stuff their mom says and even though they live in squalor they won't leave her (they told the judge they would rather live with her than my DS and BIL). I can't believe the way she uses those kids as pawns. It's sickening.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 12:32:15 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2013 17:32:20 GMT -5
Parents aren't perfect and they make mistakes but an adult stops blaming at some point. Or at least they should. My "Dad" said something along those lines to me about 10 years ago. I hadn't seen him in years, my younger brother (19 or 20 yo at the time) had been bugging me to take him to his house. I finally took him and we had to sit on the front porch and talk to him. I don't know if his wife didn't want us in her house or what. Eventually my brother asked what he really wanted to know...... why he didn't come around when he was growing up. My brother was upset and had tears running down his face when he asked. The only thing he could come up with was that my Mom had talked bad to him when my brother was about 14 and my Mom called him, asking him to please spend some time with my brother and try to talk to him, because he'd started getting into trouble. He hemmed and hawed and my Mom went off. I don't really blame her, because she did all the parenting by herself, no child support, no financial help or any other kind of help from him, and when she did ask for his help, it had nothing to do with money and he wouldn't even try. Anyway, I got angry because my brother was so upset and our "Dad" was all blase about it. So I told him it's a sorry man that makes babies and abandons them and doesn't care how it affects them. He said "Yeah, but at some point you gotta get over that". True or not, it was NOT an appropriate response when your child is sitting there crying, practically begging you to just tell him "Why". If my Momma hadn't raised me right, I probably would've hauled off and punched him, I was so angry. I was still angry when he died a few years later. Then I got mad because nobody told me he was sick and he had the nerve to die before I'd matured enough to stop being so hateful and refusing to talk to him when he would reach out to me.
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shanendoah
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Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:44:48 GMT -5
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 25, 2013 18:57:33 GMT -5
My parents were very careful not to speak ill of each other. It was 12 years before they could actually speak to one another, but they never said bad things about the other to my brother and I.
The same could not be said of my father's family, who decided to say all sorts of bad things about my mom when I was visiting them on my own (on a trip my MOM paid for). I was 13 and not strong enough to talk back to my grandparents or aunt. My grandparents eventually got over their dislike of my mom (when they realized they disliked all of their current children in law even more) and had a good relationship with her at the end. But I have never forgotten what they said, and yes, 20 years later, it still colors my opinions of them, no matter how much I love them.
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zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 25, 2013 20:41:39 GMT -5
Pink Zombie, a totally different scenario but hopefully, your brother never became a baby daddy knowing how awful it was for him. Some people are just plain jerks, period. Unfortunately, they have babies.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Oct 26, 2013 17:45:20 GMT -5
...:::"There might be a few surprises in store if DF does finally "grow a pair".":::...
Totally agree. Its especially funny when the people who say to "stand up", get angry when I stand up to THEM. I've been told I need to stand up by several folks who were pitting me against each other. They didn't like it when that meant that they didn't get their way. So yeah, be very very careful who you tell to "grow a pair" and how often, because you might find yourself face to face with said pair; and it won't be pretty for you.
And double-bonus for the point about someone who doesn't like the message being unable to hear it no matter how its delivered. There really are people who are so selfish, and used to getting their way; that they genuinely believe that YOU are off-base when you refuse to indulge them. These are the folks who minimize/dismiss ANY reason that results in them not getting what they want. Many of us have dealt with, or have people like this in our lives.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 12:32:15 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2013 21:45:54 GMT -5
It sounds like zib is asking her DH not to be a doormat. I'm sure if that turns against her it will be frustrating, but if she was treating DH like a doormat she would deserve a little bit of frustration. It sounds like the kids are angry and using the parents 'to get back at them'. Not healthy for anyone. But if the presumed adult doesn't stand up against it, then it will just continue and the anger will never get resolved.
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mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 26, 2013 22:03:44 GMT -5
I don't find myself using different language, or different ways of expressing myself on the internet as opposed to in face-to-face relationships. I guess I really don't see the difference between the two. On the other side of every monitor connected to this website is a human being. They have a face, and a mind, and feelings - just like those I see in my everyday life. I don't really separate the two. If I find a need to be blunt, I'll be blunt here, or mano a mano. Most of the time, I try to communicate with a regard to the feelings of another, and their readiness to hear the stark, unadulterated truth. I've found if I deliver that truth in too strong a manner, or at the wrong time, any opportunity for helpful, worthwhile discussion is lost.
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zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 27, 2013 6:41:08 GMT -5
We have talked about his lack of a spine and he knows about my dad and the same issue and how if affected my life growing up. I loved my dad and I love DF but I had a very unhappy childhood due to my dads spinelessness and I won't have an unhappy rest of my life. I loved my dad but didn't respect him and I can't have that in a partner. If he wants to tell me he is going to accept this treatment the rest of his life and I can take it or leave it, then I make that choice. But he isn't happy with being treated like this, either. So there's hope, maybe?
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