Malarky
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Truth and snark are equal opportunity here.
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Post by Malarky on Oct 24, 2013 19:16:58 GMT -5
Thanks, POM For me and Zib. Dancing to the different drummer doesn't make us wrong, just less popular. I'm not a step mom, I just deal with the two DH has. Interesting/stressful/ I get to see both sides...
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Oct 24, 2013 19:38:29 GMT -5
I can say with 99.99% certainty that if DH and I were no longer married, I would not get married again. The thought of even dating and trying to get to know someone all over again makes my head explode. No thanks. that's how I feel. Also, and this might sound.....arrogant....but I KNOW I would not be able to find a better Dad to my boys. And by the time they are old enough to move out, not care - I'll be sooo old. Famous last words. I said that once too.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Oct 24, 2013 19:41:19 GMT -5
...:::"DF is angry and hurt as well. He can't understand her behavior as he thought he raised her better than this. I'm angry because she hurts him and I'm protective of him.":::...
I always figured there was an element of something like this. As an outsider, Zib might be able to see hurtful behavior for what it is. She won't get distracted by thinking of the girl when she was the apple of Dad's eye sweet little innocent pig-tailed first grader (you know what I mean). When you see someone hurting someone you love, its hard not to harbor ill will.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 24, 2013 20:21:52 GMT -5
DF knows that I hate his princess because she's so hateful to him. It's my job to protect him from those that hurt him just like I would hope he'd do the same for me. He thought she, at least, loved him for himself, not his wallet. DF and I dated in college and after. We split up because he moved and I wouldn't go with him. For various reasons. When he came back his dad was ill then dying and it all happened so fast. One night he's crying in his beer and the server strikes up a conversation. Next thing he's dating her and she and her kids move in. We start talking about getting back together and he tells me she's living with him and he doesn't know how to get rid of her. Never mentions that I can recall that she has kids, too. So I say to rent her a place and pay rent on it for a year. Well, he can't do that. So I tell him to move out f his own home. Well, he can't do that. On and on. So I finally tell him to call me when he grows a spine. That marrying someone when you're in love with someone else doesn't work out and I'm proof of that. But he is what he is. On the good side, his two step kids would have had horrible lives if not for him so that's something. So he marries her and does not live happily ever after but sticks it out until she wants out. She changes mind but he won't take her back. Then it gets ugly. The rest is history. But I have read him some of Honeys posts and his mind "gets it" but his heart isn't ready, yet. I can wait but I won't commit legally until I'm sure we are on the same page.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 25, 2013 6:57:50 GMT -5
There's a lot of pretty out there but add mean to the equation and you aren't going to find good people to be with. DD started dating nicer guys when she started being nicer herself. Funny how that happens.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2013 7:07:11 GMT -5
Sometimes it takes some time before we stop dating our parent.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 25, 2013 8:25:50 GMT -5
No kidding about the "parent." I did that twice and the WRONG parent. DF is the right parent but has no spine just like my father. Creepy, huh?
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Oct 25, 2013 8:53:09 GMT -5
Yeah, I've been told that A LOT. I am beginning to call BS on that. I think if someone doesn't like the message, they REALLY don't care how it was delivered. It's just easier to get upset about that instead of saying "yeah, you are right, I am a moron" You guys are cracking me up here.....the underlying assumption is that everyone else is always wrong and your abrasive offensiveness is always right.....ok....keep on then! It has NOTHING to do with being right or wrong. And "offensiveness" is VERY subjective. And i do stand by what I said - there were plenty of times where people were just fine with "how" I said it bc they were fine with the message itself. And the opposite was true as well. I am not saying that I am never rude, but I am finding out that the "how" is not as important as people keep harping on. Bc when you cut out all the noise, the message is the same.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2013 9:20:35 GMT -5
I'll beg to differ... I think how something is said makes all the difference. Yes, people might react to the message in general, but I definately think how it is delivered is influential.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2013 9:25:30 GMT -5
Thanks, POM For me and Zib. Dancing to the different drummer doesn't make us wrong, just less popular. I'm not a step mom, I just deal with the two DH has. Interesting/stressful/ I get to see both sides... I would describe you as blunt. And I think it does us "Pollyannas" good to hear things unfiltered every once in a while.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2013 9:27:54 GMT -5
Actually, to get to see both sides, i think you'd have to see the side of the child/stepchild...
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Oct 25, 2013 9:46:45 GMT -5
I know my sister has a hard time with her step-daughters (15 & 17). She's only 27 so they don't see her as a mom-figure and generally they hate her. Even though BIL and his ex had been split up for a LONG time before my sister came along. I have seen my sister move heaven & hell to help those girls with whatever they needed, yet they treat her and my BIL like crap. They are hateful little monsters unless they are getting every thing that they want at the moment (and even then they still are horrible). She would never say so to them or to her husband, but she vents to me when none of them are around. And she's counting down the days until they turn 18. She hopes that once they grow up they will realize how much their dad loves them and how much he tries to help them. But it may take a long time, if they ever do at all. They seem content to follow in their mom's footsteps.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 25, 2013 11:32:32 GMT -5
It wouldn't have made any difference at all if they'd been older. DFs bio was out of college when it became final. On her own with daddy's financial help in another state even. Still sulking and pouting because she doesn't have her "intact" family.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2013 11:44:55 GMT -5
It isn't all about sulking and pouting. I'm pissed about my dad currently, about his putting himself at risk again and sad he is not changing patterns that haven't worked in the past.
But my sis, at 37, is pissed and sad because every time he casts off his flawed existing family in an attempt to create a new perfect one, she feels abandoned and devalued yet again. She doesnt want to. Mom was out when she got the news and said sis had to call her therapist, mostly because she was upset at how it still has the power to upset her...
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The Captain
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Hugs are good...
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Post by The Captain on Oct 25, 2013 12:18:32 GMT -5
Oh the irony...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 25, 2013 13:47:22 GMT -5
Seriously? She's 37? Get some help. That's just sad that she gives someone that power over her.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 25, 2013 13:48:26 GMT -5
Parents aren't perfect and they make mistakes but an adult stops blaming at some point. Or at least they should.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 25, 2013 14:09:48 GMT -5
I'll beg to differ... I think how something is said makes all the difference. Yes, people might react to the message in general, but I definately think how it is delivered is influential. There is a poster on here, that while I think we aren't that far apart on how we feel about certain subjects, we argue non-stop because the way she talks is so degrading and insulting to others. It forces someone to be on the defensive because you can't just agree with a message when it is said in an extremely offensive manner.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Oct 25, 2013 14:11:08 GMT -5
I'll beg to differ... I think how something is said makes all the difference. Yes, people might react to the message in general, but I definately think how it is delivered is influential. There is a poster on here, that while I think we aren't that far apart on how we feel about certain subjects, we argue non-stop because the way she talks is so degrading and insulting to others. It forces someone to be on the defensive because you can't just agree with a message when it is said in an extremely offensive manner. Exactly. Which would you rather hear: 1. That skirt isn't really that flattering. 2. That skirt makes your ass look big.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 25, 2013 14:11:22 GMT -5
Internet words can be different than RL.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 25, 2013 14:18:08 GMT -5
I think it is even more important to carefully choose one's words on the internet, since you don't have the ability to judge context, body language, tone, etc.
But it seems that some use the relative anonymity of the internet as an excuse to say things they'd probably never say in real life.
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Nazgul Girl
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Babysitting our new grandbaby 3 days a week !
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Oct 25, 2013 14:18:14 GMT -5
Exactly. As far as stepmothers go, I love, respect, and am befriended by my own stepmother. As far as my DD's stepmother, well, I think the kindest thing I can think of to write about her is that I hope a very safe drops on her above. Also, hoping that there are a tiger and possibly an armed grenade inside of the safe in case plan #1 ( safe ) doesn't do the job.
Yes, she's just that horrible.
No, I don't like her.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 25, 2013 14:48:47 GMT -5
I think it is even more important to carefully choose one's words on the internet, since you don't have the ability to judge context, body language, tone, etc. But it seems that some use the relative anonymity of the internet as an excuse to say things they'd probably never say in real life. And then just use the excuse that they were just being "straightfoward & honest". As though the same message couldn't have been delivered without it sounding insulting.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Oct 25, 2013 14:58:10 GMT -5
There is a poster on here, that while I think we aren't that far apart on how we feel about certain subjects, we argue non-stop because the way she talks is so degrading and insulting to others. It forces someone to be on the defensive because you can't just agree with a message when it is said in an extremely offensive manner. Exactly. Which would you rather hear: 1. That skirt isn't really that flattering. 2. That skirt makes your ass look big. That is sugar coating it...being rude would be saying "it isn't the skirt that makes your ass look big, it's the size of your ass that makes it look big"
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Oct 25, 2013 15:35:36 GMT -5
That is sugar coating it...being rude would be saying "it isn't the skirt that makes your ass look big, it's the size of your ass that makes it look big" And if anyone knows rude... it's our very own Miss Tequila... LOL!
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kittensaver
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We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
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Post by kittensaver on Oct 25, 2013 15:39:42 GMT -5
Internet words can be different than RL. Or not.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Oct 25, 2013 16:24:05 GMT -5
I think it is even more important to carefully choose one's words on the internet, since you don't have the ability to judge context, body language, tone, etc. But it seems that some use the relative anonymity of the internet as an excuse to say things they'd probably never say in real life. I have found, much to my embarressment, that my sly sarcastic dry humor in person translates as being a stone cold bitch, in writing. I am forever apologizing.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Oct 25, 2013 16:29:41 GMT -5
I know my sister has a hard time with her step-daughters (15 & 17). She's only 27 so they don't see her as a mom-figure and generally they hate her. Even though BIL and his ex had been split up for a LONG time before my sister came along. I have seen my sister move heaven & hell to help those girls with whatever they needed, yet they treat her and my BIL like crap. They are hateful little monsters unless they are getting every thing that they want at the moment (and even then they still are horrible). She would never say so to them or to her husband, but she vents to me when none of them are around. And she's counting down the days until they turn 18. She hopes that once they grow up they will realize how much their dad loves them and how much he tries to help them. But it may take a long time, if they ever do at all. They seem content to follow in their mom's footsteps. Divorced parents need to make a rule never to talk about the other parent in a bad way in front of their kids. It rubs off. I have no doubt your BIL's exDW has filled his kids heads with anti-dad propaganda. Now when they come to visit their dad, they feel disloyal to their mom if they don't also hate his guts (and his new wife's guts) because they know how their mom feels. This isn't just a mom thing, I've seen dad's poison their kids the same way, and plenty of situations where both the parents constantly talk shit about the other one, making life hell for the kids in the middle. It's sad, and years from now, your DS' step kids will probably resent their mom for doing it, but it sucks right now.
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The Captain
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Hugs are good...
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Post by The Captain on Oct 25, 2013 16:39:46 GMT -5
So Between our friends and DD's friends we know 6 different couples pretty well with younger kids who are divorced. Two of those couples have parents who are totally committed to working things out with the ex's in the best interest of the child(ren) and making sure the kids spend as much equal time with both parents as possible. The other four have "issues" of one kind or another. Guess which kids are overall happier and better adjusted? I know the kids are only in their early teens/tweens but you can definately see the impact the different "styles" have on them. It sucks. We're trying to plan a B-day party for DD but she won't be able to have some of her friends over because the custodial parent won't switch visitation weekends. Nothing like using your kid as a pawn.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2013 16:58:13 GMT -5
Guess which kids are overall happier and better adjusted? The ones who make their children a priority and let them know they are loved and important. ... Not the ones who put their own needs first, play games, use money as a tool and substitute for affection... It's a shocker, I know. I'm glad you see some parents succeeding. I wish the percentages were better. I have an old acquaintance on facebook... Our kids were good finds before she moved away.. She is divorced now. She says things on facebook that make me cringe some times... Her kids are also her friends on facebook.
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