Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2013 16:47:56 GMT -5
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Sept 24, 2013 16:48:22 GMT -5
I'm safe in YM heaven, but heading to Compassion hell. Uh oh - I believe I'll be there with you!
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kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
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Post by kittensaver on Sept 24, 2013 16:49:58 GMT -5
Fixed the fix LOL!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2013 16:52:54 GMT -5
LOL, BTDT!
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The Captain
Junior Associate
Hugs are good...
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Favorite Drink: Whinnnne
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Post by The Captain on Sept 24, 2013 16:57:51 GMT -5
Yeah, Bonny, I don't blame you at all for telling that kid what you told him! Ironically, it is that attitude of his that makes it "hard" for his "generation" - i.e. meaning he thinks things should be handed to him and he shouldn't have to work for it and by referencing his "generation" he makes an excuse for himself and blames others. Nope, not buying it, kid. Learn some respect, some humility, and work for what you want! Frustrating. I went all "YM" on my step-daughter, her fiance, her mom, and his parents Friday night. We all spent a joyous hour of continuing wedding planning where each time the expenses grow by leaps and bounds. Nevermind that the bride-to-be is in a school medical program full-time and cannot work right now (well, she could work part-time, but they had a baby in May, so there's no time now) and her fiance graduated college in June. He has NEVER worked other than coaching occasionally while in school. He said he had a job lined up in June but never went. He got a GOOD job in August and QUIT last week! (Didn't "like" it; didn't like the schedule. Oh, poor baby!) Hence, the "emergency" wedding planning meeting. Ugh, I could go on and on, but I won't. I spoke my mind at the meeting and will leave it at that. They can all go in debt to pay for this needlessly extravagant wedding. DH and I will not. He paid his share that he agreed to originally. Since then the guest list has increased by 100, the cost per plate has increased to $30.00 each and the groom-to-be doesn't feel inclined to pay for a dime. (Oh, and his mommy and daddy pay their rent, utilities, car payments, day care, etc.) Have at it people - better you than me! Why are they even bothering with a wedding? It appears traditional conventions don't mean anything to them... Also want to mention that if they choose to be unconventional, how in the world can they justify any type of old fashioned convention such as expecting the father to pay for the wedding? You have my sympathies.
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kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
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Post by kittensaver on Sept 24, 2013 17:15:24 GMT -5
greeniis 10 you have my sympathies too! Good luck and whatever you do, save your own skin and stand firm on your financial commitment around these lovely folks
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2013 17:19:59 GMT -5
Anyone want to bet me that DSD will be back within the year needing money for the divorce lawyer?
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haapai
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Character
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Post by haapai on Sept 24, 2013 17:20:20 GMT -5
I definitely agree that we're usually at least partially responsible for our bad luck and usually craptastic about estimating risk.
Part of the reason why I'd argue for not bothering with the "why" until well into the recovery phase is that our first "why" is so often not the "why" that we need to find.
When I first started digging myself out of a bad situation, I thought the problem was my low-paying job. Months later, I was convinced that my debt was the real problem. A few months later, the take-away was that I had pegged my expenditures at an unhealthy percentage of my income leaving little room for savings, mistakes, or miscalculations.
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Poptart
Established Member
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Post by Poptart on Sept 24, 2013 17:47:02 GMT -5
...:::"...he turns around a buys a $300 vitamix and God knows what else.":::... $300 for a Vita-Mix!!! . . . Why so cheap? Was it used? Last year's model? I know you said he didn't quote a number, I'm just having fun. I thought the Costco deal ($400 something) was a steal, considering other selling prices. And yes, I had to add another $90+ for the extra container. Its just comical to watch someone take your hospitality while dressing you down. A much funnier retort would have been something like "and the profits we made from screwing over your generation paid for that expensive scotch you are drinking". I don't know that I've gone "all YM" on anyone. I was always afraid to while I had CC debt. Now that I don't have CC debt, I'm afraid to until I have a 3-6 month EF. Once I have that, I'll be too afraid to until I catch up on my net worth. Once I get there I'll be too afraid to until I have side income streams. Perhaps there will be a period in my 60s when I can go YM on someone. We did have one friend who translated a comment I made about investors buying up houses as "oh, so you are the kind of people who don't want me to be able to afford a house". I also had to bite my tongue to not tell DW that if we hadn't wasted my money on garbage for her, we could BE one of those investors snatching up bargains,. I just try to be quiet now. Its not worth it. I'm not going to change anyone's mind, because I'm not them and therefore can't possibly understand what they are going through. WWBG, sometimes I read your posts and feel a deep sadness for both you and your wife, your posts about her spending your money on crap sound like you have a deep resentment towards her. I don't see how you two can be happy when your attitude is that she screwed you. I know is totally off topic but god I just could not see another post like that from you and not say anything. I hope you two have a solid prenup.
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zibazinski
Community Leader
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 24, 2013 17:55:07 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2013 18:04:31 GMT -5
...:::"...he turns around a buys a $300 vitamix and God knows what else.":::... $300 for a Vita-Mix!!! . . . Why so cheap? Was it used? Last year's model? I know you said he didn't quote a number, I'm just having fun. I thought the Costco deal ($400 something) was a steal, considering other selling prices. And yes, I had to add another $90+ for the extra container. Its just comical to watch someone take your hospitality while dressing you down. A much funnier retort would have been something like "and the profits we made from screwing over your generation paid for that expensive scotch you are drinking". I don't know that I've gone "all YM" on anyone. I was always afraid to while I had CC debt. Now that I don't have CC debt, I'm afraid to until I have a 3-6 month EF. Once I have that, I'll be too afraid to until I catch up on my net worth. Once I get there I'll be too afraid to until I have side income streams. Perhaps there will be a period in my 60s when I can go YM on someone. We did have one friend who translated a comment I made about investors buying up houses as "oh, so you are the kind of people who don't want me to be able to afford a house". I also had to bite my tongue to not tell DW that if we hadn't wasted my money on garbage for her, we could BE one of those investors snatching up bargains,. I just try to be quiet now. Its not worth it. I'm not going to change anyone's mind, because I'm not them and therefore can't possibly understand what they are going through. WWBG, sometimes I read your posts and feel a deep sadness for both you and your wife, your posts about her spending your money on crap sound like you have a deep resentment towards her. I don't see how you two can be happy when your attitude is that she screwed you. I know is totally off topic but god I just could not see another post like that from you and not say anything. I hope you two have a solid prenup. I've actually seen some progress in his posts as they have been digging out from the mess. The issue only seems to pop up every few months vs almost weekly. The thing is that I sense that he's been as angry at himself than her and that in my book is progress. ETA: Progress in that he's taken responsibility for not standing up to her and allowing it to happen. Both of them seem to be mostly on the same page which is a really good thing. I, too, was very concerned about their relationship for a while.
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tcu2003
Senior Member
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Post by tcu2003 on Sept 24, 2013 19:50:22 GMT -5
The second time was on Facebook where a relative (by marriage only) posted they were expecting their fourth child. I couldn't help it - I congratulated them and said does this mean you've found a way to provide for the first three you've had, baby daddy's gotten a job, no more SNAP/WIC/Section 8 - wow you really have pulled it together!!! How proud you must be of all your accomplishments. They blocked me (thank goodness I have no idea how I got into their feed to this day). Yes I'm a bitch but they now have 5 kids and the baby daddy has NEVER worked a W-2 job in his life. I am LOLing at this! I had to read it to DH and he got a huge kick out of it. I miss karma - this story deserves it! I don't think I'd have the nerve to ever do this, but wish I did!
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tcu2003
Senior Member
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Post by tcu2003 on Sept 24, 2013 19:55:29 GMT -5
I came close to going YM on my cousin this weekend. She mentions that she had a heart-to-heart with her soon-to-be 16 year old daughter about her needing to get a job to help out with gas for her car and some of the extracurricular activities she wants to do. Then she goes on to talk about how cousin and her husband have already decided they won't let their kids take out loans for college - they'll pay for it, even if they have to take out loans (which they will since they live paycheck to paycheck, have no savings, let alone college savings for their kids, and have 4 car loans...at the moment). I half went off about how they can't get loans for retirement, and that needs to be a priority over paying for kids' college, not to mention it won't hurt their kids to help pay for their own college. Of course, it totally fell on deaf ears.
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Anne_in_VA
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Post by Anne_in_VA on Sept 24, 2013 20:37:11 GMT -5
Yes, I have. I have a friend, in her 60's, who makes pretty good money, lives in a crappy, cheap apartment, drives a beater, but can't seem to save a dime. She's always complaining about how she needs a newer car, wants to buy whatever, but she always seems to be going out to eat because she doesn't feel like cooking, buys expensive vitamins and goes to the chiropractor every time she feels a twinge. She goes to Starbucks at least once a day and buys her breakfast every day. Some days she buys her lunch out and dinner too. She has a growth on one hand but won't go to get it taken care of "because it costs too much" even though she hasn't even checked to see how much she would actually have to pay.
She's never owned a house and has almost nothing saved for retirement. She's had two jobs most of her life, but has never really saved money. I don't know everything she spends her money on but she is always moaning about how she's "so broke and can never save".
We're looking for a house right now to buy and she's made it pretty obvious that she's jealous. I kind of went all YM on her in the past couple of weeks and told her about all the things we don't get to do or buy because we've been saving for a house and retirement.
I've finally decided to just smile and nod when she starts complaining as it hasn't seemed to occur to her to stop spending on crap.
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The Home 6
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Posts: 1,906
Location: Bourbon Country
Favorite Drink: Wine. With a wine chaser.
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Post by The Home 6 on Sept 24, 2013 21:24:28 GMT -5
I only go all YM in EE. Which sounds ridiculous, until you realize that I am writing anonymous notes to the people I want to go all YM on. And most of them are Big Sarge's family members. It's very cathartic.
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busymom
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Why is the rum always gone? Oh...that's why.
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Post by busymom on Sept 24, 2013 21:35:40 GMT -5
There's a relative on DH's side of the family that I'm sooo tempted to go YM on. I just smile & nod right now. All I can say is the retirement years are going to be REAL interesting.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Sept 25, 2013 10:52:25 GMT -5
Anyone want to bet me that DSD will be back within the year needing money for the divorce lawyer? Yep, that's what we're afraid of! This past Saturday DH & I told her that if she decided right now that this was not right and that she can't go through with it we would never once mention the money already spent and gone. Her happiness and well-being is more important than money. Sadly, she's so far gone into the Bridezilla mode she cannot think straight right now. As soon as the wedding is over and reality slaps her in the face things will change drastically. And, thecaptain, I agree with you on the attempt to be "conventional". Ironically, that is why the fiance's family is pushing for the wedding. The baby was an "oops" but the groom's family is highly religious. Before DSD could even decide what SHE wanted to do regarding the pregnancy the groom's MOTHER purchased the engagement ring and informed her son that a proposal would be happening. Even at that, a small, family wedding would have been much more acceptable than an outlandish, over the top blow out. But, apparently DH & I are the only ones that think that. Thanks to all for the support!
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Formerly SK
Senior Member
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Post by Formerly SK on Sept 25, 2013 11:06:48 GMT -5
Anyone want to bet me that DSD will be back within the year needing money for the divorce lawyer? Yep, that's what we're afraid of! This past Saturday DH & I told her that if she decided right now that this was not right and that she can't go through with it we would never once mention the money already spent and gone. Her happiness and well-being is more important than money. Sadly, she's so far gone into the Bridezilla mode she cannot think straight right now. As soon as the wedding is over and reality slaps her in the face things will change drastically. And, thecaptain, I agree with you on the attempt to be "conventional". Ironically, that is why the fiance's family is pushing for the wedding. The baby was an "oops" but the groom's family is highly religious. Before DSD could even decide what SHE wanted to do regarding the pregnancy the groom's MOTHER purchased the engagement ring and informed her son that a proposal would be happening. Even at that, a small, family wedding would have been much more acceptable than an outlandish, over the top blow out. But, apparently DH & I are the only ones that think that. Thanks to all for the support! Oh man, with every update of this situation I get more sad. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It's just a reminder that parenting never ends. Good luck to you!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2013 11:12:43 GMT -5
OMG! I didn't know that shotgun weddings still existed in this country !
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NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
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Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Sept 25, 2013 11:16:21 GMT -5
Anyone want to bet me that DSD will be back within the year needing money for the divorce lawyer? Yep, that's what we're afraid of! This past Saturday DH & I told her that if she decided right now that this was not right and that she can't go through with it we would never once mention the money already spent and gone. Her happiness and well-being is more important than money. Sadly, she's so far gone into the Bridezilla mode she cannot think straight right now. As soon as the wedding is over and reality slaps her in the face things will change drastically. And, thecaptain, I agree with you on the attempt to be "conventional". Ironically, that is why the fiance's family is pushing for the wedding. The baby was an "oops" but the groom's family is highly religious. Before DSD could even decide what SHE wanted to do regarding the pregnancy the groom's MOTHER purchased the engagement ring and informed her son that a proposal would be happening. Even at that, a small, family wedding would have been much more acceptable than an outlandish, over the top blow out. But, apparently DH & I are the only ones that think that. Thanks to all for the support! Oh, gosh. Now I remember this story. I'm wondering how easy a divorce will be, given that the groom's family is so religious. DSD needs to get out, get working, stash cash and get ready for the big life crash. It's coming.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Sept 25, 2013 11:27:18 GMT -5
Thanks again! Yes, parenting never does really end. Youngest DS is really upset at DSD for getting herself into this mess. He told me the other day that after the wedding at least there will be no more wedding planning meetings, but he's afraid there will be divorce / custody meetings on the horizon. We're afraid so, too. But, then again, I didn't make the best choices when I was 23 years old and we each have to find out own path. We'll be here for her no matter where her path leads...
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Sept 25, 2013 11:38:01 GMT -5
Wow- some of these stories make my family seem so normal. Which is almost scary that this is the norm.
I did have someone go all "YM" on me one time. At least their version of YM. When DH and I were buying our house (many years ago), my SIL's husband went on a rant about what a mistake we were making. We bought what we were comfortable with and he thought that if we had "extra" money, we should be buying a bigger house. He proceeded to lecture us on "investing" in real estate, etc. Keep in mind this is a guy who bought a mobile home for the "equity" he could build in it.
A couple years later, I had to laugh as he was bragging about how he had 1 million in assets. I asked him what his Net Worth was and it was a deer in the headlights. SIL offered up a number (which she was very proud of) and I took great delight that ours was about 3 times it.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Sept 25, 2013 19:44:15 GMT -5
I have never gone on blatantly "all YM" on someone, but I have taken an adapted version of that named "dripping water wears away stone" with my BFF. It took a couple of years of repetitive discussions, but she has now paid off all her debt and is (very) slowly building up savings. Occasionally she still needs some pulling back like when her DD crashed her car (gift from BFF) and BFF started to worry about the car payments she would now have. I suggested to BFF to tell DD that the insurance money would be all she would get and any penny spend above that would be on DD. After a few iterations (the dripping water approach) BFF ended up doing exactly what I suggested . It's a good thing I like her so much otherwise I would have long since given up.
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Otto the Orange
Well-Known Member
Go Orange!
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Post by Otto the Orange on Oct 1, 2013 3:26:42 GMT -5
no more stories?
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Rocky Mtn Saver
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Post by Rocky Mtn Saver on Oct 1, 2013 8:53:43 GMT -5
I tried really hard not to go all YM on a young friend the other day. While talking about her goal to work less hours and spend more time doing volunteer work, she was also bragging about the 3 new iPads she bought (for her family) on the home shopping network a couple weeks ago. Because as long as she's not paying any interest for several months, she can afford it, right? And then what got me steamed was that she blamed her ~$10k student loans for why she can't reach her goal of working less hours. I mean, it can't be the $1000-$1200 worth of toys she just bought on top of a summer of concert ticket purchases, can it? Argh, I'm going to have to decide to let all monetary issues go or I won't be able to maintain this friendship, which really is important to me. Sigh.
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motherto2
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Post by motherto2 on Oct 1, 2013 16:46:36 GMT -5
I find myself going all motherly YM on my kid's friends. They are all early to mid 20's. They all seem to take it pretty well, and I figure it might sink in to them a little more since I'm not their mom. I don't yak off at them though. We don't get into what their money situation is, I just try to tell them about how it's better to invest younger rather than waiting, take advantage of company matches, don't count on SS to be there for them and if it is, it's great fun money. Things like that. I even do that with some of the older 20 somethings in my office. One who is around 28 (husband is almost mid 30's) about how they need to get him STARTED on retirement savings, etc. She doesn't seem to get that him not starting now will negatively affect both of them later. I can't quite figure her out - she's all about the money, but then thinks they should do their own retirement planning. He doesn't make as much as she does, but she sure will expect that retirement money one day sigh....
One of my best friends I've been gently trying to YM for several years. Her second husband and she just split up. I've tried for years (I think they were married around 6-7 years) to get her to insist on knowing where their money was going, what kind of debt they had, etc. and she just kept putting it off because he'd get mad when she brought it up. Well, eye opener, he's been screwing her royally for years. Managed to talk her into putting his name on her house (it's mortgaged with a second, but does have some equity) but he didn't put her name on his house, blah blah blah. I feel very bad for her.
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motherto2
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Post by motherto2 on Oct 1, 2013 16:46:46 GMT -5
I find myself going all motherly YM on my kid's friends. They are all early to mid 20's. They all seem to take it pretty well, and I figure it might sink in to them a little more since I'm not their mom. I don't yak off at them though. We don't get into what their money situation is, I just try to tell them about how it's better to invest younger rather than waiting, take advantage of company matches, don't count on SS to be there for them and if it is, it's great fun money. Things like that. I even do that with some of the older 20 somethings in my office. One who is around 28 (husband is almost mid 30's) about how they need to get him STARTED on retirement savings, etc. She doesn't seem to get that him not starting now will negatively affect both of them later. I can't quite figure her out - she's all about the money, but then thinks they should do their own retirement planning. He doesn't make as much as she does, but she sure will expect that retirement money one day sigh....
One of my best friends I've been gently trying to YM for several years. Her second husband and she just split up. I've tried for years (I think they were married around 6-7 years) to get her to insist on knowing where their money was going, what kind of debt they had, etc. and she just kept putting it off because he'd get mad when she brought it up. Well, eye opener, he's been screwing her royally for years. Managed to talk her into putting his name on her house (it's mortgaged with a second, but does have some equity) but he didn't put her name on his house, blah blah blah. I feel very bad for her.
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