Have You Ever gone "All YM" on someone?

[Deleted]

Sept 24, 2013 12:11:11 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

LOL, I don't think the daughter who was asked by the buzzed guests to come pick them up after drinking received a nice lacy invitation! :-)

No my friends are very serious about not drinking and driving and to make a point with their kids. They schedule a drop off and pick up time with their kids in advance. I give them a lot of credit for organizing the transportation up front.

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Sept 24, 2013 12:14:50 GMT -5 @bonnap said:

Sept 24, 2013 12:11:11 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

LOL, I don't think the daughter who was asked by the buzzed guests to come pick them up after drinking received a nice lacy invitation! :-)

No my friends are very serious about not drinking and driving and to make a point with their kids. They schedule a drop off and pick up time with their kids in advance. I give them a lot of credit for organizing the transportation up front.

Yes, that's always a good thing!  LOL, which is why I didn't call them the drunkards!

[midwestlily]

About a year ago I ended a long-term friendship in order to avoid going all YM on her.  There were other issues involved, but her money woes were a big part of it.  Couldn't handle it when she did things like cry on the phone about not knowing whether she'd be able to pay her bills, then ten minutes later tell me about the iPad she'd just bought herself, or how she couldn't cancel cable because it would somehow cost her more money.  At first I felt bad for her when her husband left her and their two kids unexpectedly, and for a year and a half I tried to be the good supportive friend who never says anything negative.  Then she started fighting with her boss.  Endless drama for another year.  Finally she got herself fired, and instead of feeling sorry for her, all I could think was, Who the hell gets fired from two jobs in a row?  About six years apart, but still, fired both times, and this at a public university where even administrative assistants don't get fired willy-nilly.  I started backing off, and when she asked me why a few months later, I said I just couldn't be the kind of friend she needed anymore.

On the other hand, I still wonder if we both might have been better off if I had gone YM on her.  Maybe she would have seen a little of what she was doing wrong.  Maybe we could have talked things over and kept the friendship going.  Or maybe she would have realized that I was a crappy friend that she didn't need in her life anymore.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sept 24, 2013 11:39:15 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

My mother was talking about my brother's friend who has a record (for pot) hurt his hand while working for a moving company, his wife quit her job at the Kwik shop to be a SAHM to their 4 kids and how now they can't pay their bills blah blah.

Or it's they have three kids and she's pregnant with #4, I can't remember.

Before I could stop myself I asked why on earth did she have 4 kids?  Planned Parenthood offers reduced cost birth controls and you can buy practically a garbage bag's worth of condoms from them for like $5.

Wrong thing to say.  My mom went off on me about being snobby and not understanding how hard it is for young people out there nowadays. I feel bad for them and their situation but it's hard for me to blame "society" for it. 

Drama, you're what, 28?  You're not "young people" anymore? 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I'll turn 30 in December. My brother and his friend are 23.  So compared to them apparently I'm not.

I give the kid credit he is trying really hard to turn things around I just don't get making things harder on yourself.  Which is what they keep doing by having more and more kids.

[Peace Of Mind]

Bonny - I'd have thrown him out too.  What nerve!

I had to go off on both of my brothers while probating mom's estate.  The train wreck brother was mad because greedy brother was "stealing" mom's house and HE didn't think it was fair.  We gave him 6 months to come up with the money to buy it himself (and were willing to include his inheritance portion).  I was giving the house away it was so cheap but I didn't want to own it with them for another second nor did I want the house myself.  I was paying all the utilities, etc. for it and greedy brother paid for the funeral.  Train wreck brother didn't put in one red cent.  All he did was whine and complain.  The housing market was horrible in that area at the time so I'd rather one of them get it for that price.  Mom's house was really nice.

Train wreck brother said he was going to hire a lawyer because we were screwing him over.  LMAO!!  I reminded him that that was why I had an expensive lawyer to handle the probate.  Because of b.s. like that.  I also informed him that he had already filed for bankruptcy, lost his house and vehicles and RV, his 4th wife, etc. and that if he doesn't get his shit together soon he would be living under a bridge and I would NOT bail him out.  I did ask greedy brother if we should just sign it over to train wreck brother but he said "He'll just lose it!" and he was right.

I also gave him all mom's furniture (that was left after greedy brother stole all that he wanted before she even passed away), her car, etc. and he doesn't have any of it.  He sold a lot of her stuff and I told him he could have my portion of the proceeds.   He lost every single dime and his exes (wife and GF) have her furniture, the cash, etc. 

Greedy brother was mad that I was the personal rep. (executor) and told anybody who would listen that mom didn't want me to have one penny and wanted him to get everything and be PR.  He even tried to get her to sign papers making him personal rep. on her death bed.  She refused.  I had to inform him that mom told him whatever he wanted to hear to make him go away and because he was so greedy she knew he'd steal everything she had and not share with us other 2 kids.  She knew I was responsible, honest and generous (her words) and would do exactly as she wished and even err on taking the least to be more than fair.  Which I did.  She also left me extra and said "I'm leaving you extra because I know who and what you will have to deal with after I die".  LOL!!  RIP mom.  I'm glad you are free of both of them because they'd still be sucking you dry if you were still here.    And I used some of the extra money to pay for care for her dog after greedy brother dumped her at the dog rescue.  I couldn't take her because I'm allergic to dogs and she'd kill my cats and mom knew that.  She now has a great new home with other dogs and a wonderful family who loves her and treats her right.    Greedy brother wouldn't let her in his house and she was always an inside dog.  May he rot in hell for promising mom he'd take care of her dog trying to get her to sign the new papers and then dumping her after mom died when she didn't.    But he did bring dog food over to the rescue place.

 

[happyscooter]

anne81, I had to stop reading your post.  it made my head hurt. 

[The Captain]

I've done it on two (likely many more) occassions that I can recall.

The first was with my mother when TNCare basically failed and dropped almost everyone from their rolls except the most destitute.  She couldn't believe what her non-subsidized premiums would be and was two years away from Medicare.  Mom basically said she'd take her chances and go without health insurance because it was the government's job to take care of people anyway (I don't know what happened to her in the last decade of her life, I really have no explanation).

Never mind that she was hospitalized on average at least 4-5 times a year.  One hospitalization would basically bankrupt  Dad, but she didn't care - it was the principle.  My brother and I paid her premiums for about 6 months until Dad found out, then he made sure the check was sent in every month aftre that.  When I went off on her for risking Dad's retirement her response was - God will provide.   (FWIW they could easliy afford the premium although it WAS hefty).

The second time was on Facebook where a relative (by marriage only) posted they were expecting their fourth child.  I couldn't help it - I congratulated them and said does this mean you've found a way to provide for the first three you've had, baby daddy's gotten a job, no more SNAP/WIC/Section 8 - wow you really have pulled it together!!!  How proud you must be of all your accomplishments.  They blocked me (thank goodness I have no idea how I got into their feed to this day).  Yes I'm a bitch but they now have 5 kids and the baby daddy has NEVER worked a W-2 job in his life. 

 

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"...he turns around a buys a $300 vitamix and God knows what else.":::...

$300 for a Vita-Mix!!!  . . . Why so cheap?  Was it used?  Last year's model?  I know you said he didn't quote a number, I'm just having fun.  I thought the Costco deal ($400 something) was a steal, considering other selling prices.  And yes, I had to add another $90+ for the extra container.

Its just comical to watch someone take your hospitality while dressing you down.  A much funnier retort would have been something like "and the profits we made from screwing over your generation paid for that expensive scotch you are drinking".

I don't know that I've gone "all YM" on anyone.  I was always afraid to while I had CC debt.  Now that I don't have CC debt, I'm afraid to until I have a 3-6 month EF.  Once I have that, I'll be too afraid to until I catch up on my net worth.  Once I get there I'll be too afraid to until I have side income streams.  Perhaps there will be a period in my 60s when I can go YM on someone.

We did have one friend who translated a comment I made about investors buying up houses as "oh, so you are the kind of people who don't want me to be able to afford a house".  I also had to bite my tongue to not tell DW that if we hadn't wasted my money on garbage for her, we could BE one of those investors snatching up bargains,.

I just try to be quiet now.  Its not worth it.  I'm not going to change anyone's mind, because I'm not them and therefore can't possibly understand what they are going through.

[The Captain]

Sept 24, 2013 12:36:05 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

...Greedy brother wouldn't let her in his house and she was always an inside dog.  May he rot in hell for promising mom he'd take care of her dog trying to get her to sign the new papers and then dumping her after mom died when she didn't.    But he did bring dog food over to the rescue place.

 

and again my thanks for making my family seem normal .  SO sorry you had to deal with all of that on top of your mom's passing.

[Deleted]

Sept 24, 2013 12:11:53 GMT -5 @bonnap said:

He sat down at the head of the table (and I think DH offered him some whiskey) and started in on how difficult things were and how it was all our generation's fault.

DH says the kid said he had never been to our house before. And went so far to say that he hadn't met DH before.  We've met him several times at our friend's house.

It sounds kind of like he might've been on something to be honest.  We had a similar experience; we met a friend's new roommate and his girlfriend.  They came to our house once.  Later, they came back for another visit and didn't remember meeting us or being to our house before.  

We'd thought they only smoked and sold some pot (dumb and crazy thing to do in Oklahoma given the laws out here) but it looks like they were on Oxy as well.  Oxy must be some serious stuff, his memory was like a sieve with the bottom busted out, and he told us stuff that was... better off not said.  


I don't think I've gone YM on anyone though.  I've given that crinkled "what?" look, but I'm kind of horrible with tense social situations face to face.  I'll question quietly and discuss quietly, but if it looks like things are going strident, I disengage and bail out fast    

[jeffreymo]

I worked on my brother for quite a while.  He made good money right out of HS and lived rent free with my parents.  Instead of maxing retirement accounts and buying a place of his own he blew quite a bit of money on partying and overpriced cars.  He's generally a follower and is normally good at taking advice from his family, but I think he was being rebellious and he was getting some nudging from my mom who places too much emphasis on driving nice vehicles.  Even after carrying a steady $800/month car payments he was still saving at a crazy rate.  The only problem was he was placing it into a savings account at the credit union.  Not CD's or investments or savings bonds.  Just a credit union savings account that was paying .6% when ING and some others were offering 4%.

In his mid 20's he started listening to my pleas for him to put big bucks away for retirement and get out of mommy and daddy's house.  He's at the point now where he maxes 401k, roth, and has roommates that are paying his mortgage and then some.  He's actually way ahead of where I am at, mainly because I dug a hole and he has always been above water. 

[Deleted]

Sept 24, 2013 12:14:50 GMT -5 @bonnap said:

Sept 24, 2013 12:11:11 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

LOL, I don't think the daughter who was asked by the buzzed guests to come pick them up after drinking received a nice lacy invitation! :-)

No my friends are very serious about not drinking and driving and to make a point with their kids. They schedule a drop off and pick up time with their kids in advance. I give them a lot of credit for organizing the transportation up front.

I have a coworker I occasionally hang out with that does that. She always has one of her daughters drop her off and pick her up. I tease her because she only drinks Kinky and adds a LOT of Sprite to it. If it's in a clear glass, if you close one eye and squint real hard, you miiiiight be able to see a faint pink hue in the drink. Even though I tease her, I think it's good that she's mindful of not driving when she drinks her faintly pink Sprite. One day she just might drink a few gallons of it and actually be impaired.

[The Captain]

(goes to google what the heck is "kinky" that you can drink)

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sept 24, 2013 13:47:23 GMT -5 The Captain said:

(goes to google what the heck is "kinky" that you can drink)

Please post what you find.  I'm not googling "kinky" on a work computer... 

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Sept 24, 2013 14:01:11 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Sept 24, 2013 13:47:23 GMT -5 The Captain said:

(goes to google what the heck is "kinky" that you can drink)

Please post what you find.  I'm not googling "kinky" on a work computer... 

[Deleted]

LOL! Kinky Liqueur is "A naughty fusion of super premium vodka distilled 5 times with succulent mango, blood orange liqueur and passion fruit". 17% alc/vol. That's straight off the bottle that I've had for months and never opened. I have no idea what it tastes like.

[ontrack]

Geez, I see what you mean then.  I don't think I could get even a little tipsy drinking that with sprite--way too sweet to imbibe that much. I'd get sick first.

[chiver78]

Sept 24, 2013 12:46:04 GMT -5 The Captain said:

I've done it on two (likely many more) occassions that I can recall.

The first was with my mother when TNCare basically failed and dropped almost everyone from their rolls except the most destitute.  She couldn't believe what her non-subsidized premiums would be and was two years away from Medicare.  Mom basically said she'd take her chances and go without health insurance because it was the government's job to take care of people anyway (I don't know what happened to her in the last decade of her life, I really have no explanation).

Never mind that she was hospitalized on average at least 4-5 times a year.  One hospitalization would basically bankrupt  Dad, but she didn't care - it was the principle.  My brother and I paid her premiums for about 6 months until Dad found out, then he made sure the check was sent in every month aftre that.  When I went off on her for risking Dad's retirement her response was - God will provide.   (FWIW they could easliy afford the premium although it WAS hefty).
 

I could easily see myself having to hold my tongue w/my mom for something like this. frankly I'm surprised I haven't "gone all YM" on her already on a few occasions. it's coming, though....

[NancysSummerSip]

Sept 24, 2013 14:05:52 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

LOL! Kinky Liqueur is "A naughty fusion of super premium vodka distilled 5 times with succulent mango, blood orange liqueur and passion fruit". 17% alc/vol. That's straight off the bottle that I've had for months and never opened. I have no idea what it tastes like.

At 17% alcohol, I don't think taste matters. Especially after two or three swigs straight from the bottle.

[haapai]

I go all YM on folks all of the time.

I tell them about the hole that I once dug for myself and how I finally sat down and figured out where it was all going and what my options for getting out were. 

I mention the confusion that comes once you have done the arithmetic, the nausea that comes once you have checked the math a second time, and the chill of realizing that you need to be lucky for about a year because you don't have any room for error. 

I have no evidence that this works any better than telling people that they can't afford (_________) but I keep doing it. 

[Deleted]

Sept 24, 2013 15:07:43 GMT -5 haapai said:

I go all YM on folks all of the time.

I tell them about the hole that I once dug for myself and how I finally sat down and figured out where it was all going and what my options for getting out were. 

I mention the confusion that comes once you have done the arithmetic, the nausea that comes once you have checked the math a second time, and the chill of realizing that you need to be lucky for about a year because you don't have any room for error. 

I have no evidence that this works any better than telling people that they can't afford (_________) but I keep doing it. 

When I'm responding to a sincere request (including a post) for advice, I'll tell my story. One of the first steps in my opinion is 'fessing up when you've "f"ed up. In my experience unless someone acknowledges responsibility for their life and their mistakes there's no motivation for change.

[haapai]

I'm not sure that 'fessing up to your screw-ups is the first step, or even the second or third.  I'd say that discovering that you are in a hole is the first step.  Step two is mapping out the dimensions of that hole.  Step three is coming up with a plan for getting out of that hole, preferably on your own. 

Step three requires taking responsibility for the problem but I'm not sure that contrition is necessary.  It might even be counter-productive.  If you've just slid off the highway into an icy pond, the why of how this happened is pretty immaterial. 

[Deleted]

Sept 24, 2013 15:58:09 GMT -5 haapai said:

I'm not sure that 'fessing up to your screw-ups is the first step, or even the second or third.  I'd say that discovering that you are in a hole is the first step.  Step two is mapping out the dimensions of that hole.  Step three is coming up with a plan for getting out of that hole, preferably on your own. 

Step three requires taking responsibility for the problem but I'm not sure that contrition is necessary.  It might even be counter-productive.  If you've just slid off the highway into an icy pond, the why of how this happened is pretty immaterial. 

Perhaps in the short term it's most beneficial to focus on getting out of the pond. But if you don't want to do it again you better figure out what happened to get you in it.

[haapai]

There are usually multiple causes and a bit of bad luck involved.  The driver was probably speeding or inattentive.  There might have been ice or animals that caused them to slide or swerve.  The Corps of Engineers might have been idiots to build the new swamp there.  The township might have been terribly negligent not to install a guardrail.

All of the above are irrelevant until your feet and car are dry. 

The reason might not matter later on either.  Insisting that there has to be a reason for everything may lead the wet person to blame the bunny or the grading when what they really need to learn is to ease off the gas and stay off the phone. 

[greeniis10]

Yeah, Bonny, I don't blame you at all for telling that kid what you told him!  Ironically, it is that attitude of his that makes it "hard" for his "generation" - i.e. meaning he thinks things should be handed to him and he shouldn't have to work for it and by referencing his "generation" he makes an excuse for himself and blames others.  Nope, not buying it, kid.  Learn some respect, some humility, and work for what you want! 

Frustrating.  I went all "YM" on my step-daughter, her fiance, her mom, and his parents Friday night.  We all spent a joyous hour of continuing wedding planning where each time the expenses grow by leaps and bounds.  Nevermind that the bride-to-be is in a school medical program full-time and cannot work right now (well, she could work part-time, but they had a baby in May, so there's no time now) and her fiance graduated college in June.  He has NEVER worked other than coaching occasionally while in school.  He said he had a job lined up in June but never went.  He got a GOOD job in August and QUIT last week!  (Didn't "like" it; didn't like the schedule.  Oh, poor baby!)  Hence, the "emergency" wedding planning meeting.    Ugh, I could go on and on, but I won't.  I spoke my mind at the meeting and will leave it at that.  They can all go in debt to pay for this needlessly extravagant wedding.  DH and I will not.  He paid his share that he agreed to originally.  Since then the guest list has increased by 100, the cost per plate has increased to $30.00 each and the groom-to-be doesn't feel inclined to pay for a dime.  (Oh, and his mommy and daddy pay their rent, utilities, car payments, day care, etc.)  Have at it people - better you than me!

[Deleted]

In my experience when bad things keep happening "to" me it's usually because I'm at least partially responsible.

In financial matters it's usually because I've been overly optimistic about an outcome and have underestimated the risks associated with the outcome.

[Deleted]

greeniis10,

Thanks for your kind words. I can imagine your experience was surreal!

[kittensaver]

I went all-YM on one of my deadbeat sibs a while back. He called me all sweet-as-pie asking me to consider "investing" in a car for him (a great investment because he would pay me interest, etc). I got this call because he had just had his THIRD car repossessed and was completely unable to finance more wheels. I took some sick pleasure in equally-sweetly explaining to him the difference between an "investment" and a "depreciating asset."

I'm safe in YM Heaven, but heading to Compassion Hell.

[greeniis10]

Thank you!  And we still have 2 more weeks until the wedding!  Lord knows how many more RSVPs they'll get and how many more add-ons there'll be.  We're all pretty much in the "just wish this thing was OVER already!" mode; the bride-to-be is always crying and everyone is mad at the groom!  Best day of your life, right Something seems amiss...