international adoptions gone wroong

[thyme4change]

I have been reading the series on rueters about international adoptions. I know people here have adopted internationally and I know LB's story. I founf it very interesting and sad.

I'm interested on how well you wers able to research the health and past of the kids you adopted, and if you knew of the risks going in.

Www.reuters.com/investigates/adoption

Do you know anyone that had to rehome a child they adopted? The whole thing seems like a problem with no good answers.

[swamp]

I know someone who had to surrender a child she adopted, but it was a foster child situation.  The abuse he suffered before he was removed from mom caused some serious behavior issues when he was about 9 or 10, and he was getting too big for her to handle and it was no longer safe for her to keep in in the house.

I have no idea what happened to the kid. 

[thyme4change]

I know a couple whose son/step son turned violent and they got the state's assistance to get him into a facility. It certainty isn't isolated to adoptions and fosted care.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

I met a couple (she a lawyer, he a physician) who adopted a couple of siblings from Romania....I want to say this was about 15 years ago.  Over the years, I've not seen them but a good friend of mine is still friends with her and occasionally tells me what's going on.

What I do know is that once they got the kids back to the US, while the husband had done a cursory physical exam of the kids while he was there and didn't see any major physical issues, the kids did have huge emotional issues.  The wife had planned on trying to practice law part time, but realized that the kids needed help 24/7.  Over the years, they were thrown out of innumerable schools for their aggressive behavior.

They had the best treatment that money could buy and last I heard, they still had problems.  Not a good story.

[973beachbum]

Sept 13, 2013 10:59:44 GMT -5 deminmaine said:

I saw this on the news the other night.  Very troubling, especially the cracks the kids fall through when being "re-homed".  Not that all are by any means, but that is a pedophiac's paradise. 

I'm starting to see why Russia may have cut the cord on this.

While I agree that one woman didn't handle it right it is very hard for Russia to claim the moral high ground while actively lying to adoptive parents and hiding medical and emotional problems.

I know two people well who did foreign adoptions in one case the child has severe medial issue that were outright lied about. that family is actuallly the better off of the two.  They have the resourses to take care of them medically, although it is expensive.  the other family adopted a child from a Russian orphanage that basically kept the children in cribs and handed the kids food to eat by themselves and diapered as needed.  That kid has serious emotional problems.  In the orphanage's defense they admitted they didn't have the time to physically interact with the children very much.  This family just felt that all the needed was them to love him and it would all be fine.  Man did that not happen.

[ontrack]

Sept 13, 2013 10:59:44 GMT -5 deminmaine said:

I saw this on the news the other night.  Very troubling, especially the cracks the kids fall through when being "re-homed".  Not that all are by any means, but that is a pedophiac's paradise. 

I'm starting to see why Russia may have cut the cord on this.

But what is the solution?  Most of the severely troubled kids that suffered failed adoptions were from Russia, due to severe fetal alcohol syndrome or other problems.  If they're not adopted, they will stay forever in state facilities and never lead normal lives.  I remeber 20/20 did a series of exposes on those homes 10-15 years ago, and they were awful!

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

This family just felt that all the needed was them to love him and it would all be fine. Man did that not happen.

This was the attitude that I got from the couple I met.  When I met them, they had just returned from Romania and were sure that the kids only needed love and they would be well.  They were soooo desperate for those kids, they were so wanted it was sad to watch.  I remember that night listening to them talk about all their future plans of travel when the boys were old enough to appreciate it.  

Halving the family income and the expensive treatments delayed retirement and the last time I talked to my friend, the boys (I think that they are in their mid 20s now) can't even hold down a menial job. 

[swamp]

I am familiar with a couple who adopted a boy from Russia.  He's probably about 10 now.  He is severely autistic and that was a reason for the break up of their marriage.    Dad had an image of having an son he could play sports with.  This has been a rude awakening for him and he did not deal well. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

The link didn't work for me.  But I'm assuming it was the story on international adoptive parents using social media to "rehome" the kids they adopted when they couldn't handle them anymore.  And since there aren't any real checks on the people, God alone knew who was getting them.

[swamp]

Sept 13, 2013 11:38:23 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Sept 13, 2013 11:22:21 GMT -5 swamp said:

I am familiar with a couple who adopted a boy from Russia.  He's probably about 10 now.  He is severely autistic and that was a reason for the break up of their marriage.    Dad had an image of having an son he could play sports with.  This has been a rude awakening for him and he did not deal well. 

I guess the big question is, if they had had their own child, with the same dx, would the outcome have been the same?

I don't know, probably, but who knows?  I'm just an outsider looking in.   I also know mom much better than dad, so I have her perception of what happened, not his. 

[973beachbum]

Sept 13, 2013 11:38:23 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Sept 13, 2013 11:22:21 GMT -5 swamp said:

I am familiar with a couple who adopted a boy from Russia.  He's probably about 10 now.  He is severely autistic and that was a reason for the break up of their marriage.    Dad had an image of having an son he could play sports with.  This has been a rude awakening for him and he did not deal well. 

I guess the big question is, if they had had their own child, with the same dx, would the outcome have been the same?

the one families opinion on this I heard, and I know one family isn't a statistical universe , was that if not for the horrible neglect the child got early on they wouldn't have had the emotional problems they did.  If a regular family had a kid what are the odds they would put the baby in a crib and neve rtake them out for two to three years and just toss food in at them once in a while?

Of course they were incredibly niave to think they could just hug it away.  But to think the child would have had the same problems causeed by fetal alcholol syndrom or severe neglect in their home is silly.  And there are also people who would put their child up for adoption if they had severe medical issues.  we can say they are wrong, but only someone in that place knows what they are capable of handling IMO. 

[thyme4change]

Sorry about the link not working. Stupid phone.

I agree that birthed children come with risk, too. I was surprised at the number of international adoptions. I seem to know a lot of people, so seeing th numbd r at "only" 250k surprised me. I guess I am in the prime demographic for it. A little older, have money, think we can fix the world.

I know a family that has an asian son. He has all sorts of problems. Their genetic daughter is outstanding. Sweet, smart, well behaved, trustworthy, etc. I'm not surewhat they thought they were getting themselves into, but if they knew I suspect they would have made a different decision. Not that they have ever said that out loud. But they, mostly she, expresses her frustration often and clearly.

[Deleted]

Sept 13, 2013 11:23:07 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

The link didn't work for me.  But I'm assuming it was the story on international adoptive parents using social media to "rehome" the kids they adopted when they couldn't handle them anymore.  And since there aren't any real checks on the people, God alone knew who was getting them.

I think I am misunderstanding you...are you saying that they do not do background checks on adoptive parents?  I do not know what agency they used, and I do not know Russia's requirements, but I do know that we had to go through several background checks and many home study visits before we were approved to adopt. After we brought our daughter home we had to continue home visits for a year and provide written reports for 5 years.

[swamp]

No, I think she's referring to no checks on the "rehoming" family.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sept 13, 2013 11:54:13 GMT -5 imanangel said:

Sept 13, 2013 11:23:07 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

The link didn't work for me.  But I'm assuming it was the story on international adoptive parents using social media to "rehome" the kids they adopted when they couldn't handle them anymore.  And since there aren't any real checks on the people, God alone knew who was getting them.

I think I am misunderstanding you...are you saying that they do not do background checks on adoptive parents?  I do not know what agency they used, and I do not know Russia's requirements, but I do know that we had to go through several background checks and many home study visits before we were approved to adopt. After we brought our daughter home we had to continue home visits for a year and provide written reports for 5 years.

Angel, what I'm saying is that I assumed Thyme's link was to a story I saw earlier this week.  About adoptive parents who can't deal with the adoptive child and posting pictures, etc. on FB, Craigslist, wherever offering up the child to anyone willing to take him/her.  Those parents are looking to get rid of a problem child and don't look hard into anyone offering to take the kid.  So they could be sending their child to live with people who traffic in children, run child pron rings or are just abusive. 

I'll try to find my link. 

[973beachbum]

Sept 13, 2013 11:54:13 GMT -5 imanangel said:

Sept 13, 2013 11:23:07 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

The link didn't work for me.  But I'm assuming it was the story on international adoptive parents using social media to "rehome" the kids they adopted when they couldn't handle them anymore.  And since there aren't any real checks on the people, God alone knew who was getting them.

I think I am misunderstanding you...are you saying that they do not do background checks on adoptive parents?  I do not know what agency they used, and I do not know Russia's requirements, but I do know that we had to go through several background checks and many home study visits before we were approved to adopt. After we brought our daughter home we had to continue home visits for a year and provide written reports for 5 years.

I think the link is talking about private one on one adoptions.  there are no agencies involved in a private adoption or at least none required.  If we wanted to, and you were willing , we could agree that you would adopt my daughter.  we would just have to sign up a boiler plate paper and me put her on a plane to your house.  since the state wasn't involved in the first place they have no business in it later. 

I just realized it is probably harder to adopt a puppy from the local shelter than it is to get a child from some of these places

[Wisconsin Beth]

www.reuters.com/investigates/adoption/#article/part1 

Here's a bit of it. 

Nicole and Calvin Eason, an Illinois couple in their 30s, saw the ad and a picture of the smiling 16-year-old. They were eager to take Quita, even though the ad warned that she had been diagnosed with severe health and behavioral problems. In emails, Nicole Eason assured Melissa Puchalla that she could handle the girl.

"People that are around me think I am awesome with kids," Eason wrote.

A few weeks later, on Oct. 4, 2008, the Puchallas drove six hours from their Wisconsin home to Westville, Illinois. The handoff took place at the Country Aire Mobile Home Park, where the Easons lived in a trailer.

No attorneys or child welfare officials came with them. The Puchallas simply signed a notarized statement declaring these virtual strangers to be Quita's guardians. The visit lasted just a few hours. It was the first and the last time the couples would meet.

To Melissa Puchalla, the Easons "seemed wonderful." Had she vetted them more closely, she might have discovered what Reuters would learn:

• Child welfare authorities had taken away both of Nicole Eason's biological children years earlier. After a sheriff's deputy helped remove the Easons' second child, a newborn baby boy, the deputy wrote in his report that the "parents have severe psychiatric problems as well with violent tendencies."

[973beachbum]

What can be worse than someone placing an ad on a website offering to give away their child? How about the fact that there is nothing that police can do about it? That’s right police in Texas have stated that while the ad may be a tad bit morally nauseating, that is about all that it is and not against the law at all, as long as the ad was posted by either one of the child’s biological parents. While giving a cash exchange for a child is not legal in Texas, the ad did not come right out and say, ‘hey baby to the highest bidder,’ and therefore was not breaking any laws. The Texas Department of Family and Protective Services also read the ad, but along with police found nothing to use in order to open up an investigation.
news.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/baby-advertised-for-adoption-on-craigsli

this is what I found just doing a quick google.

[zibazinski]

When a child does not live up to the parents expectations, whether bio or not, it can cause a disintegration of the marriage.

[Deleted]

Ok, I thought I was misunderstanding you.  Thank you for clarifying.

[ontrack]

Wow, that series is heartbreaking

[Nazgul Girl]

   On the plus side, one of my stepsisters and her then-husband adopted a baby girl from Russia.   She was in an orphanage.   What they did right was get extensive footage of her movements and expressions, etc., taken in the orphanage.  ( The orphanage had caught on to the Americans' interest in Apgar scores ) They took it to their potential pediatrician and had him analyze the footage to see how the baby came out on the Apgar score for normal development.   She seemed fine.   The adoptive parents were very taken with her, and adopted her after the formalities, and brought her home.

   She's now 14, very nice, very bright, very beautiful.   Unfortunately, her father died of a heart attack which hit her hard, and her older bio sister is having emotional problems as well, so she's struggling now.   But she's a good kid and can't help what happened to her life here in the States.   Her mother will never give her up, that's for sure.

   My cousins both adopted babies from China, and all are also doing well.   My one cousin with I'm closer to has a beautiful Chinese daughter, now about 15 years old, doing well in school, and is her pride and joy.   I love to see her pictures on facebook.   The parents did a lot of research about the reputation of the orphanage, and the experiences of the other adoptees.  

   I think that being realistic and doing a lot of research could cut down on a lot of the sorrows of these international adoptions.   Having footage of the child analyzed by a medical professional for signs of autism, fetal alcohol syndrome, and other conditions can be a big help.   

  

[shanendoah]

I've read this and been talking about it on FB with friends. It makes my heart hurt on so many levels, both for the kids and for the families that reached the end of their ropes and felt they had no other options. I think a lot of people who read with investigative report will not only want to reach out and hug these kids (I know I did), but may also believe, like so many, that that is all they need. And it is just not true. If love had been all they needed, the original adoptions would have succeeded.

In some cases, when multiple kids who have never met all tell of the same behavior from a person, you know they're likely telling the truth, no matter how much the adult denies it. In other cases, when child and adult have differing versions of the events, I honestly don't know who to believe. But given how many of these parents who re-homed their adopted children were willing to talk to reporters about it, I don't think they felt like they had any other choices.

I'll be honest, attachment disorders terrify me. It was the number one thing I did not want. It was also the number 3 reason we chose not to adopt internationally (anecdotally, it seems that there are more attachment disorders in kids who have been in orphanages, which are more common overseas, than with kids who have been in actual homes).

As for what can be done, my best answer is better mental health services. We need to be helping these kids and we need to be helping these families. Disrupted adoptions are not as uncommon as people might think, and they don't just happen with international adoptions. It is not uncommon to find a child or two on the northwest adoption exchange (it's a publicly available website) where their profile lists that they had a disrupted adoption. Even more kids have the adoption process disrupted (they are in a home which they have been told will be their "forever home" when something happens and the process is disrupted before the final papers are signed).

[shanendoah]

I should mention that I have a niece who was adopted from China. I am not super close to my step-sister, so I did not know anything about it until my dad sent me pictures of my "new niece". She had a known medical issue, which, even though it had been treated with surgery at birth, made her completely unadoptable in China (like many girls actually adoptable in China, but any way) and so was in an expedited program. I think it took my step-sister and her husband less than a year from start to having her in their home.

She is a wonderful young girl (early teens now). My father adores her. And she is doing very well. But it probably helped that my step-sister was going through a program that dealt specifically with girls with known medical issues, and the program doctors evaluated the children and did not just trust what the Chinese government said.

[thyme4change]

Due diligence and research is so important. The other part is keeping it as a business transaction until the adoption is completed. The one lady thought she was getting an 8 year old, but showed up and the girl was 12. You have to be prepared to walk away. If the agency will mislead you on something like thay, what else are they willing to do? I suspect by the time you get that far uou have put in so much time and money you don't want to bail, and end up with a child with who knows how many problems.

[zibazinski]

Seriously, when DFs DIL was looking into China, a girl with disabilities can be one with asthma.  She's hoping the surrogate is carrying a girl. If she is, no adoption from china. Rats.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

www.king5.com/news/crime/Skagit-County-couple-charged-in-death-of-adopted-child-130822743.html

And then you get the case of what happened just south of where I live.  This has been all over the news recently and the whole thing utterly makes me ill to hear about it.

[cronewitch]

My neice adopts foster children, three so far and they all have issues. Our system doesn't allow them to adopt from birth so they get messed up first. The new boy was Fostered from birth but not available to adopt until he was almost 4. So he spent 4 years not sure if he was going to get to stay. He was thrilled to be adopted telling everyone he was going to be the new boy. Older adopted were half siblings to each other girl gets in trouble all the time at 8, bro is 4 and he and the other 4 yo are active boys the girl tends to help get into trouble. Girl is a sweet girl, loves hugs but I worry it is too needy for her own good. Last time I saw her I said there she is to her mother then said she is the prettiest girl I ever saw and she hugged me. She throws herself at men like her dad, uncle, cousins, not sexually just physically. 8 year old girl leaning on 43 year old male cousin, he has to tell her to back off. He isn't a pedophile but if she ever meets one she will be an easy target.

[zibazinski]

 I hope the mother is getting her counseling NOW.

[TheOtherMe]

Sept 13, 2013 11:19:16 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

This family just felt that all the needed was them to love him and it would all be fine. Man did that not happen.

This was the attitude that I got from the couple I met.  When I met them, they had just returned from Romania and were sure that the kids only needed love and they would be well.  They were soooo desperate for those kids, they were so wanted it was sad to watch.  I remember that night listening to them talk about all their future plans of travel when the boys were old enough to appreciate it.  

Halving the family income and the expensive treatments delayed retirement and the last time I talked to my friend, the boys (I think that they are in their mid 20s now) can't even hold down a menial job. 

One of my Colorado friends is a doctor.  He did a lot of volunteer work in the Romanian orphanages.  He always said the way they kids were treated in the orphanages and before they got there had left them with severe emotional damage.  While some would try to charm him, there was no way he would ever have brought one home with him.

He also specialized in HIV/AIDS and it was rampant in the Romanian orphanages.