constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Sept 4, 2013 17:42:18 GMT -5
Has he been diagnosed ADHD or are you just thinking his behaviors fall under that realm? Honestly, with the things you are describing, It sounds more into autism spectrum. Has he ever been evaluated for that?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2013 17:46:40 GMT -5
Or he's just a geeky/ nerdy 9 year old boy...
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Sept 4, 2013 18:08:05 GMT -5
Obviously I don't know your son, but regular tantrums/meltdowns IME stem from being over-tired/over-stimulated/over-scheduled. Kids sometimes aren't the best at identifying what is wrong or what they are upset/worried about. Maybe taking a breather to spend an evening talking about life and just meshing together can give you some insight into what is going on with him. It could be something as basic as not understanding his math homework, or he's worried his new teacher will be mean. Kids are funny that way. Over tired/stimulated maybe, there are no activities though. We're into the 3rd week of school, he seems to be doing fine there. There haven't been old school tantrums in a while but there has been yelling/attitude with more of a teen/tween bent, if that makes sense. I can try getting him to talk but it'll be more in the 2 minute range than the evening range. I appreciate the ideas from everyone, and will be gone for the night soon. Just don't want you to ask me something and think I'm ignoring you Since we basically have the same kid I feel I should be the person to answer you question except I am in the same boat you are in. My son doesn't do the anger part though. He has a very soft personality. His reaction to anything that might cause anger in others is to get upset and cry. The one time we went through a stage where he was crying a lot the Dr said it was a reaction to the meds. Is it possible his annoyance is amped up by the meds also?
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Sept 4, 2013 22:24:09 GMT -5
CL - from what you've described, your SS is like both my bio-son and SS combined. My son has ADD-Inattentive type - you can physically "see" his mind leave the conversation if he isn't on his medication. It's eerie to watch! He is more like Leonard than Sheldon Cooper though. Incredibly smart, but no social skills and no extremely weird quirks that are obvious until you get to know him. He'd cry if someone was making a joke that he didn't understand, but was smart enough to tell people that he's laughing so hard that he's crying to attempt to avoid embarrassment. He can't understand abstract ideas and has to have everything explained to him - even things that should seem 'simple' to most people (I remember having to explain to him what the phrase "needle in a haystack" meant for example). I have to have his attention or he doesn't "hear" me talking to him. He's not ignoring me, but he doesn't "hear" me either. What has worked the most with him is consistency, short instructions and time. Punishments for him works the best when they involve things he cares about (video games) and reinforces the "don't do that if I want to keep doing this" mentality. He's 16 now and much better than he was at age 9. At the younger age, DH and I wondered if he would ever move out of the house or if he'd be living with us forever. My SS has ADHD - and is like the tasmanian devil in a china store. If he touches it, it will be broken, marred or maimed in some way, form or fashion. He's moody, sullen, and confrontational when he doesn't get his way. His volume control is at times questionable (there are days we can hear his music through the earphones from his room, while we're in the living room with the TV on! That's around 30-40 feet, with multiple walls and doors the sound is traveling through! Also nothing wrong with his hearing, but if he keeps up, there will be!). He takes being touched as a personal assault when it's not on his terms. What has worked the most with him is consistency, time and counseling. Punishments for him works the best when he's isolated (grounded to his room). He's much rather be outside than stuck in a stationary place - he admitted once that he feels like a caged animal when we ground him to his room (we just reply with - then stop doing what you're doing to get grounded and you won't be!). I get the "you're not my mom" all the time from him - this is where the counseling has helped. It also helps him to learn new coping mechanisms that are coming from a neutral party - hearing the same thing from me is blown off, but hearing it from the counselor - suddenly it makes sense. SS is 15 now and DH and I wonder if he's going to make it to adulthood with the mouth that's on him. We warn him about the things he says will come back to him one day and he won't be able to back up his posturing. Of course, that just means we're being mean to him and it's not his fault no one believes him (even though he's proved time and time again that he's lying to make himself look better). At this age, we're letting natural consequences take place as well. He goofed off last year as a freshman and failed two classes despite us trying to help him. Now he's reaping the consequence of having to retake those credits and no time to do "fun" classes this year. When he complains, we shrug and comment, "you should have done your work last year like we tried to help you with". He also got into a fight last year and definitely got the worst of it. Now he's embarrassed about attending school and wants to move - he claims because of his mom, but based on his non-verbal clues, it's because his friends know that he didn't "kick the other kid's ass" like he kept claiming he'd do if the other kid started anything. Again, natural consequences are helping with this. As you've may have noticed - consistency and time are the two biggest factors when dealing with ADD/ADHD. This will be the hardest part to deal with if you struggle with focus as well (hopefully you made it through my book response! ).
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2013 23:09:13 GMT -5
I'm desperate for new ideas but probably SOL.... The youngest of my 3 is getting worse with the attitude lately. I know we haven't been as consistent as we should be but was/is there anything in particular that worked for you? I've done the grounding/taking something thing and the time out thing (which will be making a comeback). Before it gets to punishments though, is there a trick that worked on yours that helped them get the point before they got in trouble? I have straight up told him on more than one occasion "ok, that's enough, drop it before you get in trouble" or "it's not funny anymore" but it goes in one ear and out the other. Maybe I should just run away from home An ADHD specialty counselor can help you learn new methods to work with the child. In my opinion it is well worth the money to get an objective 3rd party to help work through the most productive approaches. For the ADD/ADHD grandkids it was mandatory to shift to positive reinforcement & earning points towards favored activities (DSL time, TV time) and things like that. The negative consequence approach doesn't work well because the impulsive behavior takes over and minimizes the consequences. My poor DD has 3 kids with attention disorders. She's pretty sure that this is major payback for her teenage years. The momma geas of 'wait till you have kids' is in full swing!! Is 'crazy zone' temper tantrums, or high energy (brain disengaged) behavior? My DD also put the kids on 100% NO processed sugar diet. The only sugar they get is what naturally occurs in fruits. She also has them on high protein diet (quinoa, chicken, salmon, pork) I think she has just started reintroducing rice because she has a hard time affording the super high protein, quality diet. No chips or other junk food in the house either.
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Sept 5, 2013 8:34:01 GMT -5
I'm desperate for new ideas but probably SOL.... The youngest of my 3 is getting worse with the attitude lately. I know we haven't been as consistent as we should be but was/is there anything in particular that worked for you? I've done the grounding/taking something thing and the time out thing (which will be making a comeback). Before it gets to punishments though, is there a trick that worked on yours that helped them get the point before they got in trouble? I have straight up told him on more than one occasion "ok, that's enough, drop it before you get in trouble" or "it's not funny anymore" but it goes in one ear and out the other. Maybe I should just run away from home An ADHD specialty counselor can help you learn new methods to work with the child. In my opinion it is well worth the money to get an objective 3rd party to help work through the most productive approaches. For the ADD/ADHD grandkids it was mandatory to shift to positive reinforcement & earning points towards favored activities (DSL time, TV time) and things like that. The negative consequence approach doesn't work well because the impulsive behavior takes over and minimizes the consequences. My poor DD has 3 kids with attention disorders. She's pretty sure that this is major payback for her teenage years. The momma geas of 'wait till you have kids' is in full swing!! Is 'crazy zone' temper tantrums, or high energy (brain disengaged) behavior? My DD also put the kids on 100% NO processed sugar diet. The only sugar they get is what naturally occurs in fruits. She also has them on high protein diet (quinoa, chicken, salmon, pork) I think she has just started reintroducing rice because she has a hard time affording the super high protein, quality diet. No chips or other junk food in the house either. You are the first poster to mention positive reinforcement. All children need positive reinforcement daily. If they don't get it they will settle for negative reinforcement as second best. Thats where the downward spiral begins. My next door neighbor had a daughter that was ADHD. She was a handful. Setting fires, peeling the drywall in her room, outbursts, difficulty in school, inappropriate behavior much of the time. Her mother was a day care provider and had some skills when it came to managing children, but wow, what a challenge. Some things that worked for them were: Caffeine instead of Ridilin. The daughter's behavior was much improved at home and in school with two diet Mt. Dews for breakfast. (she never did like coffee). Destructive time. Mom bought toasters and electronics and plumbing parts, etc at yard sales and brought them home for the daughter to take apart. They even had a table with sides on it especially for this purpose. She learned how things were put together and her tendency for destruction was satisfied. Real consequences for her actions. Time outs were one thing, but when she had to start spending her birthday money to repair whatever she had just wrecked, she took notice. All in all it was less yelling and more consequences. This girl is now a woman. She has attended college and lives on her own. She has had trouble finishing her degree due to a learning disability and university level math classes. She works and supports herself. She has had boyfriends. Kids do grow up. Hang in there.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2013 9:09:24 GMT -5
Caffeine in the morning worked for a cousin of mine. He's a 60's baby so I don't know if he was ever diagnosed with anything, but his Mom gave him tea for breakfast on school days.
My brother would get all wound up and cutting out all red dye #2 (or one of the red dye numbers - I was in HS when he started kindergarten) worked for him. Again, he was never diagnosed with ADD or ADHD but removing those foods helped calm him down.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Sept 5, 2013 9:31:10 GMT -5
All I can say is hang in there - my brother was the craziest ADHD kid you can imagine. He is now a productive member of society. He runs triathlons and surfs to deal with all his excess energy.
Oh, also, sports. Lots of sports. My mother's philosophy was if he was in the pool 5 hours a day, he would have less energy to destroy things. It partially worked.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2013 10:00:49 GMT -5
Kind of like a tired dog is a good dog!
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Sept 5, 2013 10:31:46 GMT -5
Exactly like that! He still gets jittery if he doesn't exercise enough, but he is now unmedicated, making 6 figures in sales and has had serious relationships with actual people (in his case women) who did not think he was a waste of life.
Progress!
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milee
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Post by milee on Sept 5, 2013 13:46:36 GMT -5
I'm desperate for new ideas but probably SOL.... The youngest of my 3 is getting worse with the attitude lately. I know we haven't been as consistent as we should be but was/is there anything in particular that worked for you? I've done the grounding/taking something thing and the time out thing (which will be making a comeback). Before it gets to punishments though, is there a trick that worked on yours that helped them get the point before they got in trouble? I have straight up told him on more than one occasion "ok, that's enough, drop it before you get in trouble" or "it's not funny anymore" but it goes in one ear and out the other. Maybe I should just run away from home lemon balm. recommended for adhd - works for concentration. I just started growing some for DS. Are they supposed to smell it or eat it? How much?
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Sept 5, 2013 14:01:08 GMT -5
Thanks to everyone for the kind words and support. Yesterday was a bad day, in case you didn't pick up on that. To whoever asked, yes he has been tested and diagnosed ADHD. I do wonder now and then about if he falls on the autistic spectrum but haven't asked about it. His official diagnosis is ADHD/ODD. It's been very rainy here this summer, so he has had way less time outside to burn off that energy. I'd forgotten all about that being a factor. I know there were probably questions I haven't answered, I'll double check
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Sept 5, 2013 14:03:54 GMT -5
I hope today is better.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Sept 5, 2013 14:14:15 GMT -5
Oh, someone mentioned counseling...... we've done that. If trying to right myself with what I already know doesn't work, I will be going back. I do try to give as much positive reinforcement as I can. DH and I both will mention if he's handled something correctly or better than usual or whatever little thing we notice that was right. He's a good kid, even when he's making me crazy, and we don't want him to think he never does anything right.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Sept 5, 2013 14:16:25 GMT -5
Thanks! It is. If it hadn't been, I'd probably be around your neighborhood by now on my running away journey.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Sept 5, 2013 14:17:57 GMT -5
Thanks! It is. If it hadn't been, I'd probably be around your neighborhood by now on my running away journey. I'll get you safe passage to Canada.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Sept 5, 2013 14:28:20 GMT -5
Thanks! It is. If it hadn't been, I'd probably be around your neighborhood by now on my running away journey. I'll get you safe passage to Canada. you. are. AWESOME!
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Sept 5, 2013 21:02:59 GMT -5
I never had children of my own but had the good fortune to be a beloved auntie to my friends' children and have dated men with kids so I have had the "you're not my mother" bomb dropped on me a few times and it really does hurt. The best way I found to handle it was to work past the immediate pain of it and reply, "No, I am not your mother. However I am the adult in charge here and ..." Other howevers include "This is my home and ...," "I am the one driving ..." or even "I love you too much to allow you to ..."
By acknowledging that I was not their mother some how disarmed that weapon and allowed the focus to stay on whatever the real issue was. Depending on the kid and the relationship I would sometimes follow up with, "You must really be missing your mother..." and even discuss how hurtful that remark was to me.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 6, 2013 9:29:28 GMT -5
My girlfriend in Texas did this years ago. Her fraternal twin boys were diagnosed with some sort of ADD and she refused to drug them and removed just about everything from their diet. I remember they ate about 6 things for many years but it worked for her. I can tell when I've eaten something that doesn't agree with me. My brain gets foggy and I feel tired and ditzy. Some systems are just more sensitive than others. Or they get that way for while then it ends.
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milee
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Post by milee on Sept 6, 2013 9:36:10 GMT -5
Are they supposed to smell it or eat it? How much? we put it into a strawberry (or raspberry) banana smoothie. Water, frozen berries lemon balm leaves and banana. You can make it almost like a slushie with the frozen berries. Gives it a fruity lemony flavor. I had bought a lemon balm just for the lemony - but I noticed immediately after the first smoothie feeling calm and focused - so then I googled up some info on it. Also - is this child gluten free? I know you had some gluten issues, and the brain fog associated with gluten for those sensitive can be ADD or ADHD like symptoms in kids. Since I went gluten free - DS would go for periods just eating gluten free because he was only eating my cooking. That's when he noticed that subsequently eating gluten gave him a reaction. I'm wondering if his troubles could have been gluten related or acerbated. GF is a tough one in our house because I do not have the support of DH on that one. So, no - neither boy is completely GF. I do think for some kids that food sensitivities and allergies can be a major influence in their behavior. Not all kids, but some. Unfortunately, I really have not been able to test that theory in our house.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 6, 2013 9:47:51 GMT -5
DH doesn't have to deal with the kids and you do. Tell him to get on board for while and see if this works.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 6, 2013 9:48:27 GMT -5
Is it seriously the end of the world if the kid doesn't wash his hands? That's not a hill I'd die on.
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milee
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Post by milee on Sept 6, 2013 10:04:39 GMT -5
Everybody's kids, husband and family are different, so our hills are unique.
In our house, hand washing is important for a few reasons - the kids and I have asthma so preventing any illness that could turn severe is good; I'm trying to teach them basic life skills so they'll be socially acceptable adults not the guy who grosses out his co-workers in 20 years; we're touchy-feely so I know darn good and well those germy, poopy hands are going to be hugging me soon; and - OK, I'm turning a little green at this one - the youngest likes to cook and is usually involved in meal prep. So hand washing is a reasonably strategic hill in our house. Not necessarily one to die on, but one that's worth protecting.
As for the diet, sigh. Very complicated. DH is, for the most part, a good dad. He not only loves his boys but is willing to put in time with them. Although he doesn't do much of the drudge care, he will help with homework and do activities so he's involved. Since he's involved, it's reasonable that he gets input into the parenting decisions. He is also very passive-aggressive and feels that GF, food sensitivities, etc. fall into the "hoodoo" "witch doctor" realm. Instead of being comfortable discussing that with me, he makes snide comments and then takes them out to eat pastry. Do I like it? No. But I'm not the only parent and I'm also not egotistical enough to think I'm always 100% right and should have 100% control. To prevail on that particular hill would involve not only a protracted and bloody battle, it would mean giving up his involvement with the boys. At this time, that is IMHO too high a price to pay to control that hill.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Sept 6, 2013 10:30:11 GMT -5
Has anyone here tried colors? They have known since the 70's which colors calm people vs jack them up, but I don't think I have ever heard of anyone painting the rooms in a home different colors to try and calm anyone though.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Sept 6, 2013 11:39:57 GMT -5
Thanks to everyone for the kind words and support. Yesterday was a bad day, in case you didn't pick up on that. To whoever asked, yes he has been tested and diagnosed ADHD. I do wonder now and then about if he falls on the autistic spectrum but haven't asked about it. His official diagnosis is ADHD/ODD. It's been very rainy here this summer, so he has had way less time outside to burn off that energy. I'd forgotten all about that being a factor. I know there were probably questions I haven't answered, I'll double check oh no - that ODD is a killer, DS had that DX as well. Best of luck, and I can only say.....it gets better..... Yeah, I have to fight MY natural urge to get the last word and just walk away sometimes with him. How many years does it take to get better? I might not make it....
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Sept 6, 2013 13:10:59 GMT -5
years? about a decade? or 2? DS was the most difficult baby, toddler, child, teen I've ever been exposed to. At 23 - he is the most wonderful person ever. Proud of him in so many ways. Hang in there! DS got steadily better from about 19/20 on. Nice to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel for difficult kids
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jeep108
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Post by jeep108 on Sept 6, 2013 13:18:29 GMT -5
My poor daughter has been in therapy for anxiety for almost a year. We'll now that we have the anxiety under control. Her therapist was saying she has inattentive ADHD. So now they are giving her exercises and told her to try and have a work buddy to get her work done. I just feel bad, that it took until she was 16 to get diagnosed.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Sept 6, 2013 13:22:34 GMT -5
My poor daughter has been in therapy for anxiety for almost a year. We'll now that we have the anxiety under control. Her therapist was saying she has inattentive ADHD. So now they are giving her exercises and told her to try and have a work buddy to get her work done. I just feel bad, that it took until she was 16 to get diagnosed. Hey, at least it did get caught. Better now than when she's 30 and can't figure out why she can't keep up with herself/kids/spouse/keys......
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Sept 6, 2013 13:29:05 GMT -5
jeep108 - I had a good friend who wasn't diagnosed until he was in his early 20s and in danger of flunking out of college. The change in him, once he was diagnoses and given proper medication, was amazing. He was suddenly able to focus in a healthy manner. It was amazing. His mother felt really bad that it took him nearly flunking out of college for her to get it, because she ran social services for our county and was constantly exposed to kids with ADD/ADHD. It happens to every one.
And if that doesn't make you feel better, try googling for the Cosby Show episode where Theo is finally (in high school) diagnosed with dyslexia.
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jeep108
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Post by jeep108 on Sept 6, 2013 13:36:19 GMT -5
Thanks, I knew she had some issues with organizing and just shut down if the subject didn't interest her. I thought she would out grow it. She's also gifted so she's always done well in school so it never dawned on me she would have inattentive ADHD.
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