Parents of ADHD kids, help!!!

[Chocolate Lover]

I'm desperate for new ideas but probably SOL.... 

The youngest of my 3 is getting worse with the attitude lately.  I know we haven't been as consistent as we should be but was/is there anything in particular that worked for you? I've done the grounding/taking something thing and the time out thing (which will be making a comeback).  

Before it gets to punishments though, is there a trick that worked on yours that helped them get the point before they got in trouble?  I have straight up told him on more than one occasion "ok, that's enough, drop it before you get in trouble" or "it's not funny anymore" but it goes in one ear and out the other. 

Maybe I should just run away from home

[Deleted]

I need a specific behavior example. 

One thing about 'its time to stop now' , is kids have a hard time some times understanding when its 'too much'... Don't get there. Explain/post green/yellow/ red detils for acceptable behaviors/zones... And consequences or each. Give out ( physically or verbally) yellow and red cards... Possibly adding transitions if they need more warning ( stripping out the blue, orange between yellow and red...)

[milee]

That's really tough, especially since each kid has his own incredibly annoying, um special, traits. 

Can you identify a common situation or trigger that is a signal that trouble is coming?  Or is it maybe a particular situation?

Maybe you can't prevent all trouble, but if you could figure out the trigger for some of the events, you might be able to work on that.

[milee]

Also, are there certain interventions that are more effective than others?  My boys don't always respond quickly to verbal information, but a touch on the shoulder (not the Vulcan Death Grip, really - just a touch) sometimes is enough to get their attention and break them out of the crazy track they're heading down. 

[Chocolate Lover]

The boy is Sheldon Cooper like in his ways. People skills are not his strong suit....

Oped, I do try not to get there as much as possible. The "that's enough" usually happens when he's trying to be funny and crosses that line into annoying/mean.  Generally, he won't stop until he gets snapped at.  I'm trying to think of a specific thing, I'm a bit brain fried between his behavior this morning and work....

Milee, ideally, I'd like to teach him to "read" people better. In the mean time, warnings don't seem to be getting through. My calm voice doesn't penetrate his brain fog I suppose. 

[Deleted]

How old agin?

[Deleted]

No, he's not getting warnings, but you need something other than snapping which triggers him to stop. Like Pavlo's bell. A glare works with my kids. Some kids need one thing tangible. That's why I recommended actually 'carding' him....

[Chocolate Lover]

Sept 4, 2013 14:28:10 GMT -5 milee said:

Also, are there certain interventions that are more effective than others?  My boys don't always respond quickly to verbal information, but a touch on the shoulder (not the Vulcan Death Grip, really - just a touch) sometimes is enough to get their attention and break them out of the crazy track they're heading down. 

Just touching him makes him react like you did put the Vulcan death grip on him.

He gets in his "crazy zone" and I have yet to find a calm way to get him out.

[Chocolate Lover]

Oped, he's 9.  

He's also a step child, so I am starting to get the whole "you're not my parent" crap out of him.  He's been with us since he was about 2 1/2 and has limited contact with his mother. (not going into it all, but that's not entirely bad)

I'm willing to try the carding thing, it has to be better than trying not to lose my mind on days he's not hearing me.

[Chocolate Lover]

Ok, I have thought of one thing that's a constant issue, his lack of volume control. (yes, his hearing has been checked)

We have a small house, the computer is 10 feet away from the TV in the living room. It's about 8 feet from DD's bedroom door. Anyone using the computer uses headphones. He likes to talk to his games or sing or whatever. I've learned to deal with that. BUT, he gets louder and louder as he goes. I will tell him he's getting loud, he stops making any noise. Roughly 2 minutes later, he's talking/singing again, but quieter. A few minutes later, he's yelling at it again. He will get loud enough for DD to hear him through her door pretty frequently. It goes around with the reminders to not be so loud until it's either get off the computer or zip it.

Not the best example but his volume is an issue off the computer as well and he pretty much just forgets 2 minutes after you say something to him.

[raeoflyte]

I don't know if this will help, but I've been asking ds how he wants me to respond when I need him to stop doing something.  He's only 4, so his answer was to use my nice voice and words.  So I asked him what I should do if that doesn't work and now we're hammering out what a 'medium' voice is.  But basically I remind him that I did use my nice voice and I'm getting frustrated that he is still doing 'x'.  We've seen improvement, although it's always hard to say if our technique brought about the change or if he's just moved past whatever was causing the issue.  

I might have to steal Oped's card suggestion too.  

[Chocolate Lover]

Last time I did the "stop light" thing (they called it that at school one year), even mentioning a yellow got me a nice meltdown out of him, but that's been a couple of years now. Hopefully making it more visual will work. 

[shanendoah]

I am a loud talker. My hearing is also fine, but I honestly don't notice when my voice has gotten louder than it should (and I believed, as a kid, that if I could barely hear myself, than others couldn't hear me either, which meant my singing along to music while I had headphones on was pretty darn annoying).

What helped me was first- people explaining to me that they could hear me even when I couldn't hear myself and demonstrating that it was just like I could not hear them when I had the headphones on, even if they were talking in a normal voice.
Second- my family (and I have shared this information with friends and co-workers) gives me a hand signal when I am getting too loud. It's just a hand slowly lowering,and it signals me to modulate my voice better. Using the hand signal means no one has to interrupt me or wait until I'm done talking to let me know I've gotten too loud.

[Chocolate Lover]

Shanen, best I can recall, I've done all that. He knows we can hear him even when he can't hear himself. His ultimate issue is a lack of things sticking. I'm pretty sure it's not intentional, but after 7 years of asking after every bathroom visit if he flushed/washed hands you'd think he'd remember. Things like that. 

No, I don't yell over that or any of the million other small things I have to say a million times a day. I know he needs more repetition than your average kid, but I really do feel like I'm treading water with him. 

I have my own focus issues and so does my DH so the biggest issue overall is consistency. I can only keep trying to improve and look for something that clicks for him and us. 

I feel like I'm not making sense, so I hope my point is getting across. This was probably something I should have waited to ask when I was feeling less fried and more focused myself. 

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

From personal experience with my kids (who do not have ADD or ADHD but often play online games with friends at night), their brains seem to get sucked into the screen and it takes real effort to tear their attention away from it to even get a "hello" from them.

If you need him to quiet down while on the computer, make certain that he has disengaged from it first before talking to him, otherwise, it is truly "in one ear and out the other" ADD/ADHD or not.  

[Chocolate Lover]

Sept 4, 2013 15:27:50 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

From personal experience with my kids (who do not have ADD or ADHD but often play online games with friends at night), their brains seem to get sucked into the screen and it takes real effort to tear their attention away from it to even get a "hello" from them.

If you need him to quiet down while on the computer, make certain that he has disengaged from it first before talking to him, otherwise, it is truly "in one ear and out the other" ADD/ADHD or not.  

Oh, I do. I purposely won't touch him but call his name loudly from across the room so he can hear me but has to pull the headphones of his head and look at me.  

Whether he's truly disengaged, I'm not sure that ever happens, he talks about his current favorite non stop when he's not on it. Due to his behavior this morning, DH gave him a week's vacation from it. So, I expect this week to be all car noises at the top of his lungs

[Abby Normal]

My son is not ADHD but we had alot of behavioral issues at that age.  What I did notice was that after he ate sugar, his attitude was really bad.  We started limiting his sugar (not that a 3 year old should have alot, but we started monitoring carefully).  He wasn't bad on the up, but coming down he was belligerent.  I couldn't get grandma to stop giving him treats until she had him in the car when he was crashing.  She came back to our house and apologized for all the times she gave him ice cream and brought him home. 

We also discovered his "worse" punishment.  For him time outs worked well.  But timeouts isolated in another room were devastating to him.  So when he would start to get an attitude, we'd tell him to go to his room until he had himself together.  Sometimes he'd take 5 minutes, sometimes 45. 

[Formerly SK]

There are probably degrees of severity with ADHD kids because when my 8yo son is amped it is pretty obvious it is a medical thing and that he has little control over it.  That said, I do try to reduce stimulation as much as possible (have him go spend time quietly in a room reading or doing Legos) to help calm him.  I also had to accept that he has limitations and getting frustrated at his lack of ability to focus is pointless.  I spend a lot of my day standing with him guiding him on what needs to be done (ie help him get dressed or sit with him while he eats) because I know I can't just tell him to go do those things.  It won't happen. 

Knowing triggers helps too.  For us, DS needs a predictable schedule and when we deviate from it he tends to get amped up.  Obviously things like TV/video games/electronics/sugar aggravate ADHD, and I swear sleep quality factors into it.  Having a "preventative lifestyle" seems to be as helpful for us as discipline methods once he starts acting up. 

But I disagree with one part of your explanation.  Disrespect is not an ADHD thing.  If you are punishing him and he says "You're not my mom" that has nothing to do with ADHD.  That's just basic kid behavior as they try to grow up and figure out boundaries. 

[Chocolate Lover]

SK, I wasn't saying the "you're not my mom" thing was ADHD, it's just an example of the extremity of the attitude lately. He has never pointed it out with malice before, just more of a "trying to wrap my head around the relationship" thing. 

I don't even know if I know what I'm asking. Things that work to get their attention/snap them out of whatever spiral they're in, I suppose. I'm not a SAHM, I only have so many hours in the evenings to do what has to be done, I would rather not waste it all dealing with whatever tantrum/meltdown might be coming today.  It's not an everyday thing at this point, but it has been before and I don't want it to get there again.  I don't like spending all of my evening correcting him anymore than he likes being corrected.  

[constanz22]

Look at 123 Magic program by Dr. Phalen (sp).  We teach it to parents with challenging kids in our parenting class.  There are two videos you can probably find at your library.  123 Magic and More 123 Magic.  I'd recommend watching both.  And it's easy to watch.  He's pretty entertaining.  

ETA:  or I could just recite it to you if you'd like....yeah, I've seen it THAT many times

[Formerly SK]

Obviously I don't know your son, but regular tantrums/meltdowns IME stem from being over-tired/over-stimulated/over-scheduled.  Kids sometimes aren't the best at identifying what is wrong or what they are upset/worried about.  Maybe taking a breather to spend an evening talking about life and just meshing together can give you some insight into what is going on with him.  It could be something as basic as not understanding his math homework, or he's worried his new teacher will be mean.  Kids are funny that way. 

[Chocolate Lover]

I've done 123 Magic, going to try starting back on it today.


And try the visual cards oped suggested

[Chocolate Lover]

Sept 4, 2013 16:05:27 GMT -5 Formerly SK said:

Obviously I don't know your son, but regular tantrums/meltdowns IME stem from being over-tired/over-stimulated/over-scheduled.  Kids sometimes aren't the best at identifying what is wrong or what they are upset/worried about.  Maybe taking a breather to spend an evening talking about life and just meshing together can give you some insight into what is going on with him.  It could be something as basic as not understanding his math homework, or he's worried his new teacher will be mean.  Kids are funny that way. 

Over tired/stimulated maybe, there are no activities though. We're into the 3rd week of school, he seems to be doing fine there. There haven't been old school tantrums in a while but there has been yelling/attitude with more of a teen/tween bent, if that makes sense. 

I can try getting him to talk but it'll be more in the 2 minute range than the evening range.  

I appreciate the ideas from everyone, and will be gone for the night soon.  Just don't want you to ask me something and think I'm ignoring you

[Tiny]

I've got nothing more to offer other than maybe adding in WHAT the kid should be doing after telling the kid to stop doing whatever he's doing.

I've never been diagnosised but I suspect I've got ADD or something. I wasn't always bright enough to figure out what to DO, after being told to stop doing whatever it was I was doing... I've watched my friends 'coach' their kids (stop yelling/running around/whatever it is, and set the table it's on your list of chores for today for example) and it was mind blowing for me... I mostly just got yelled at to stop doing/being annoying - and then it seemed like I was just suppose to 'know' what it was I should/could be doing... I started to suspect that I was the only person who couldn't read other people's minds/wasn't psychic as a kid.

[Deleted]

Or a physical signal like a tap on the hand or grip on his shoulder if that works. Anyway, you'd eventually want him to graduate to a non obvious signal. 

[Chocolate Lover]

Sept 4, 2013 16:18:48 GMT -5 oped said:

Or a physical signal like a tap on the hand or grip on his shoulder if that works. Anyway, you'd eventually want him to graduate to a non obvious signal. 

I'm going for visual first, seems my light touch to him isn't light enough.  he's not fond of any grip anyone gets on him even if it's gentle.

For instance: I might hold on to his arm with no force to get him to stay put while I finish what I'm saying. (asking him to do something for instance) I hold on to him, because he tends to bolt after 2 sentences and sometimes I need to say more than 2 to him.  Anyway, he will start twisting his arm back and forth and if held long enough, he'll start trying to pull out of my grip. If that irritates when we're both calm, you can imagine how it goes over when we're not.

[Chocolate Lover]

Tiny, I've been specific as often as I can because I recognize that he needs it.  Seems like I'm going to have to pay extra close attention again to how we're interacting and figure out where the ball got dropped because things have not been so good lately. (even before school started)

[milee]

Just wanted to let you know I'm sending virtual support. 

I wish there were some quick cures, but I'm dealing with many of the exact same issues you're describing: 

Sheldon Cooper social skills?  Check.  (Well, oldest one at least.  The youngest is more along the Stuart Smalley line.)
Lack of volume control?  Check. 
Ramping up and not catching themselves?  Check.
Random memory of what basic personal habits are required?  Check.

All I can say is to keep your sense of humor, be consistent and love him.  My 13 year old is showing huge signs of improvement in most of those areas and is developing into a really great kid, but there were lots of times I didn't think he would survive to see 13. 

Blessings on you for doing this as a step mom.  You have all of the work and very little of the recognition or respect in many cases.  So in case you don't hear it - you are a good person to take this on and do a good job.  It's really, really tough and the fact that you're doing it is a testament to what kind of person you are.  Awesome. 

[Deleted]

Development is big, very true. 

More explicit teaching of coping and social skills might be necessary eventually though too... You making your internal dialogue external, talking bout your process, etc. I know milee had some good ideas for that.

[milee]

We also joke a lot in our house.

Whenever there is the sound of a flushing toilet, we all shout out "wash your hands, you little heathen!!!" and giggle. 

If we didn't laugh about this stuff, I'd start banging my head against the wall.