Dealing with an Elderly Parent P.2

[Deleted]

Rukh O'Rorke,

I'm on the road for the week. At the cabin and off to AZ for a couple of days. I'll see if I can get some more info about the policy when I get back. I know she bought it when she retired, about 15 years ago. She had one of her friends who sold different kinds of insurance make a recommendation for a "Cadillac" plan. IIRC, she was initially paying about $500/mth and over 10 years I think it popped up closer to $700. Once you start drawing on the services, your premiums are suspended.

[Nazgul Girl]

   Bonny, I've been thinking about this whole situation you and your DH have with MIL, and I had hesitated to comment because so much has been written already.    But I'll have a go.   Hope it isn't too much repetition.

   Your DH is retired, and as I recall, you are wisely letting him handle the fearsome MIL.   As the son, she make take more input from him than from you.   Also, in some couples, I've seen some sons or daughters-in-law measure the help that they give their spouses with the invalided parent based on how much their spouses helped them with previous situations on their own sides of the family.   

   I think that as long as you and your DH are doing everything that you can to keep MIL off of the road and making sure that she has adequate care, which you are doing, there really isn't much else to worry about do.
I know in some ways this doesn't make sense, but due to her temperament, infirmities and the environment she so adamently refuses to leave, she is an accident waiting to happen, and there are only so many ways the overall situation will resolve.

   Unfortunately, she will either stroke, fall, hurt herself in some other manner, or get ahold of some car keys and have an accident.  Hopefully, it won't result in hurting or killing anyone else.   People who refuse to stop driving are due to disability are just as bad as drunk drivers, in my opinion.   I frequently read of folks in the eighties or nineties who shouldn't have been driving who have run into a crowd, or hit another motorist or pedestrian.   I code geriatric charges, so it comes up at least once or twice a week.

   I know a coworker who has macular degeneration, and had to stop working, but she is still driving locally.   Ye gods and little fishes !  

   The kids worry and worry, but there's only so long that you can stress yourselves out.   She's gonna do what she's gonna do.   

   Good luck with this difficult situation.   Honestly, you're far more tolerant than I probably would be.  

  

[Deleted]

Nazgul,

Thank you for your comments. We realize that there is only so much we can do but want to make sure we are doing everything we CAN do. That's why I posted the situation here. Often times there's some helpful insight from those who have traveled down this path before us.

We'll see what happens with the mental health evaluation. Certainly one of the most difficult things is dealing with somebody who is so angry and bitter and just plan mean to whomever tries to help her. To me it's just terribly sad because while MIL's life hasn't been perfect she has certainly led an extraordinary and interesting life. I just don't get fixating on a perceived slight from 25 years ago.

Something you wrote about your sister is how we've managed MIL in the past. "loving from afar".

Unfortunately it's become clear she really can't take care of herself so we have to be more engaged than we have been.