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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2013 14:33:04 GMT -5
We found out last week that MIL is still driving!
Since her prior caregivers and we always drove we didn't think it was an issue. Now it turns out she's insisting on driving with the new caregiving group. Last week the caregiver was in the car when MIL approached a construction detour. She told the flagger who was controlling the traffic to "F" off and drove through the construction site. No one was hurt but the caregiving service (with our support) is refusing to ride in the car if MIL is driving.
We have all, including another caregiver, have told MIL she shouldn't be driving. She insists that she's doing better and can now drive. According to DH's aunt, MIL is very, very angry at DH.
DH is on his way up to her home, again. He tried calling her physician to discuss the matter but he is on vacation until next week. Both I and DH's aunt have suggested to have her take a private driver's instructor's test.
Anyone else have this experience and have helpful ideas? We're both worried sick she will either hurt herself or someone else, and probably the latter. She drives that Lexus 400 series tank and can barely see over the steering wheel!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 3, 2013 14:41:20 GMT -5
No advice, just sympathy. It's REALLY hard to get someone's licesned revoked and even then if they have a car they can still drive. My great aunt just lost her license two years ago despite being completely blind in one eye and legally blind in the other before that. She had my cousin navigate from the passenger seat. WTF is wrong with our DMV?!
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Sept 3, 2013 14:50:55 GMT -5
Oh boy! That is very tough.
My mother continued to drive ignoring the concerns of her daughters and friends. Her driving ended when she pulled out in front of a truck and totalled her car. It is a miracle that neither she nor my sister (who was in the passengerr's seat) were not injured. She was indignant when the police cited her.
Mylast employer was a caregiving agency. We had a client whose daughters told us should not be driving, but insisted anyway. He was told that our services were on the condition that the caregiver do the driving. He wanted the services so reluctantly (and rather bitterly) allowed the caregiver to drive.
But your MIL doesn't want the caregivers to start with, so I doubt that would be an incentive.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Sept 3, 2013 14:51:31 GMT -5
The best advice we got was to involve the physician or have the DMV retest them.
Perhaps you can go over the construction scenario and asks her if she sees anything wrong with how she handled that?
I know many of them worry about how they will get where they need to go? Maybe your DH can go over with her how she will get to the grocery store, pharmacy, doctor's appointments, etc without driving.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Sept 3, 2013 14:57:47 GMT -5
Yup, been there, did that. My mother's doctor wound up not signing off on her renewal for her DL. My mother drove anyway, and was stopped by a cop for an expired tag. Cop ran her tag, found that the DMV had suspended her license for medical reasons and had her car towed. I had to take the car away. One of my worst days, because she screamed at me that it was my fault her life was over. In a sense, it was - she died less than a year later. Losing her independence was the worst part for her. But she was having fender-benders due to losing feeling in her hands and feet (diabetic neuropathy) and the driving could not continue.
I don't regret it in the sense that a few lives were likely saved. Bonny, take the keys and the car until the doctor gets back and he can sign off. You know when enough is enough. She needs to get to places, but her needs do not trump the safety of others. She has no right to drive; none of us do. It's a privilege.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Sept 3, 2013 14:58:48 GMT -5
Report her to both her doctor and the DMV. Provide specific details in your narrative. Let them do the dirty work for you. Sorry, that's all I got . That's what we had to do with FIL (God rest his soul).
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2013 15:02:00 GMT -5
DH did. She insists that the construction crew didn't need to take up so much space. Plus she said the detour would land her in a dead-end. Because of her short term memory issues she didn't remember that the road was put through a year ago. She currently has caregivers for 10 hours per day. This cost is covered by her LTC. She wants to cut the caregiving back to 5 hours per day "because she doesn't need them anymore". Oh and she wants to fire the caregiver "who tattled on her". The fact that DH, me, DH's aunt, and another caregiver have advised her that she shouldn't be driving apparently hasn't fazed her.
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Sharon
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Post by Sharon on Sept 3, 2013 15:02:06 GMT -5
Your DH can report her to the DMV and ask to remain anonymous. Here is the info from the Oregon DMV website.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2013 15:11:13 GMT -5
I think DH's strategy is to let the Dr. do the dirty work.
The good news is that DH will drive her for the next four days while he's there. We are 600 miles away so taking her car away is not an option. The caregivers apparently are not to use their own cars as the service can't warrant the safety of their cars. I really don't blame them as a lot of the driving centers around tasks associated with the three dogs; e.g. vet, grooming et cetera. I wouldn't want all that dog hair in my car either!
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Sept 3, 2013 15:14:17 GMT -5
It would be a shame if her car were to suddenly develop a few flat tires...or maybe a missing catalytic converter?
Just saying...
Being elderly does NOT give you a pass when your actions are putting others at risk. The police need to start cracking down on this more often.
Sorry if her feelings get hurt, but driving impaired is dangerous, regardless of if you are drunk or elderly.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Sept 3, 2013 15:15:25 GMT -5
Ouch that's a tough situation Bonny.
I know with my great grandpa on mom's side they did end up having to take the keys and the car. Not sure if that is an option for your DH. Would the caregivers drive her car or can they drive your MIL in a different vehicle?
That is definitely the ugly option but sometimes it is the only one you have left.
My dad was able to reason with my grandpa and tell him why he shouldn't drive anymore. My dad still says it is one of the hardest things he's ever had to do and my grandpa cooperated. It is much harder when they don't.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 3, 2013 15:15:28 GMT -5
The caregivers apparently are not to use their own cars as the service can't warrant the safety of their cars
Could they take her keys when they leave for the day? Since they're the ones driving it'd make sense, but I can also see how that could potentially get them in trouble. Call the service and ask if that would be possible.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Sept 3, 2013 15:16:54 GMT -5
I see you posted while I was posting Bonny. I like DQ's suggestion of the caregivers taking the keys at the end of their shift.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Sept 3, 2013 15:18:26 GMT -5
We have had a few relatives who kept driving long after they should have stopped. The worst part was that since we didn't live with them it was really hard to police. Even getting the lisence suspended didn't help. the only thing that worked with some was to take the actual car away. As long as the car was there they were driving, no matter what anyone said. Good luck and I hope it gets better!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2013 15:18:59 GMT -5
Your DH can report her to the DMV and ask to remain anonymous. Here is the info from the Oregon DMV website. This must be what DH read. However, I would never expect a governmental agency to actually be anonymous. BTDT with code enforement. MIL is persistent enough to get the info. 60, probably 90 days is a looooong time considering the circumstances. I generally understand the need for a process, but right now I feel like I'm waiting for a trainwreck.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 3, 2013 15:19:25 GMT -5
Dgf doctor ordered him to take a test with the dmv. He actually did pretty good with the test, but they still recommended that he lose his licence which he did.
The "worst" part was how dgf turned on my mom at that point. If he had been in a wreck and hurt himself or someone else that would have been truly the worst. But it was easy to question our decision when he was screaming about or at my mom for it.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Sept 3, 2013 15:21:06 GMT -5
I'd disable the car until the doctor & DMV do what needs doing. Disconnecting the battery is very simple.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2013 15:26:16 GMT -5
The caregivers apparently are not to use their own cars as the service can't warrant the safety of their cars
Could they take her keys when they leave for the day? Since they're the ones driving it'd make sense, but I can also see how that could potentially get them in trouble. Call the service and ask if that would be possible. We can check into it. Another option is that the keys get somehow locked up on the premises and the caregivers give DH and DH's aunt the code. For sure you know one of her elderly dogs will have a crisis in the middle of night and need to go to the vet at 3am.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Sept 3, 2013 15:39:07 GMT -5
The caregivers apparently are not to use their own cars as the service can't warrant the safety of their cars
Could they take her keys when they leave for the day? Since they're the ones driving it'd make sense, but I can also see how that could potentially get them in trouble. Call the service and ask if that would be possible. We can check into it. Another option is that the keys get somehow locked up on the premises and the caregivers give DH and DH's aunt the code. For sure you know one of her elderly dogs will have a crisis in the middle of night and need to go to the vet at 3am. For sure, it won't be the only crisis she will face without a car. But the call at any hour of the day telling you she's injured or dead by her own lack of driving ability will be much harder to deal with. There are overnight caregiver services that can be arranged for on an "on call" basis. I understand that you are not nearby enough to take the car. Disable it and hide the keys. If possible, get the authorities to "boot" the car, so it cannot be moved, should she find the keys or bribe someone to repair the car.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Sept 3, 2013 15:40:07 GMT -5
She shouldn't have keys. Caregivers should keep the keys passing them to the next shift. Since it is only 10 hours a day have them hid them in a spot they know and she doesn't or get duplicates for each shift so they don't need to share keys. I would hid them in the bathroom someplace like on top of the medicine cabinet or behind things in a linen closet since the caregivers would be in there with the door shut she wouldn't suspect.
She may not be happy about knowing 14 hours a day and night she is stuck without transportation. Suggest she can call a cab if she can't wait. She won't want to call a cab so will wait but knows she isn't stuck.
My dad had a truck in the driveway that was his but never drove. Mom was out and about without him but he always had her do all his shopping and seldom wanted to leave the house. Mom would drive him for hair cuts to to visit people so he never needed to drive. He sold me his truck then told me he was bothered by not having transportation, it was comforting to know he could have driven even when he never did. I understand the feeling stuck so when I give up driving I will tell myself I can use the vans for the elderly/handicapped that you need to schedule ahead but I could also call a cab it I felt trapped. I hope to have enough money to hire a person once a week to drive me where I want to go but fully expect to give up driving as soon as two people suggest it. My mom gave it up when my brother suggested it but I already had and my nephew had, people don't suggest it until it is time so I hope I can take a clue.
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Sept 3, 2013 15:53:34 GMT -5
I likely would win the award for the worst daughter ever....but this is my story:
1.5 years ago my Mom fell in her apt. Naturally she broke her hip. She lived in Nebraska (largest city). We live in NW Arkansas, my older brother had just moved to Florida, our son lives in second largest city in Nebr.
My Dh and I drove to Nebraska the next day, I did not have her POA or any medical directives. She was in the hospital, my DB was not coming back, our son had all necessary legal papers.
So, we sit thru the surgery, and at some point the social worker for the hospital was talking to me about her after care, I said we need to do rehab etc. and at that point the young lady said " do you have POA"....I looked around & over my shoulder and back at her and not so politely said " I'm her daughter, you see anyone else around here". Sw got my point. I faced the same scenario at the rehab nursing facility.
During this time in the hospital, thanks to Xanax, my DH and I started emptying her apt., we sold her car to a man who worked at the apt. complex, got her into rehab, started work on Medicade (my older brother is an attorney, so I was able to turn all that over to him.
At the time of her release from rehab, we had rented her apt. in city where son lives, in a assisted living facility, I had bought all new furnishings and even saved her favorties from the apt. .
DH and I drove back to Nebraska, picked her up from rehab, took her to lunch at Olive Garden, and then onto her new apt. in assisted living.
She had absolutely NO SAY in anything, when she did bitch about not having her car I told her she was lucky her family let her drive as long as she did.
Yes, I'm the bitch, she's happy in the apt. (she's now 93) our DIL does her shopping for her, our son takes her to lunch, the grandkids come to visit etc.
Sometimes, you have NO OPTION except to put your foot down and say ENOUGH!!!!!
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Sept 3, 2013 15:55:09 GMT -5
LMAO!!! That's how everybody drives here. I live in the land of rude drivers with all of the old people and those from other places. It's not uncommon to see head lights coming at you at night either. How do you not know you are in the wrong lane?
If that was one of our relatives I'd do the "Uh oh. Flobot is bro ken!" on that Progressive commercial and pull the battery.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Sept 3, 2013 16:01:04 GMT -5
: For sure, it won't be the only crisis she will face without a car. But the call at any hour of the day telling you she's injured or dead by her own lack of driving ability will be much harder to deal with. :
========================================
And even harder to deal with: the call that comes in letting you know that as a result of her impaired driving she had injured or killed someone else.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Sept 3, 2013 16:02:27 GMT -5
We had to take the car keys away from my sister who had brain cancer. Her brain got so bad that driving wasn't an option. It was really tough cause she went into a deep depression over the loss of her driving privileges. She equated having driving privileges to her independence.
I'm not looking forward to the day my sister living upstairs loses her driving privileges.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2013 16:07:36 GMT -5
: For sure, it won't be the only crisis she will face without a car. But the call at any hour of the day telling you she's injured or dead by her own lack of driving ability will be much harder to deal with. : ======================================== And even harder to deal with: the call that comes in letting you know that as a result of her impaired driving she had injured or killed someone else. I think you guys are saying the same thing. And absolutely echoing my concern that I'm waiting for a call about a train wreck.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Sept 3, 2013 16:08:12 GMT -5
My mom had to take my grandma's keys away a couple of years ago. She is still pissed. They even sold her car to one of my cousins. She still technically has a license and threated many times to call the dealership and said that some nice young salesman would happily pick her up from her nursing home and sell her a car. She was probably right. She lived in a very small town (300 people) 8 miles from the big town (5,000 people). My mom or my aunt would get calls all the time from neighbors and distant relatives about grandma's driving.
I like the idea of the locked box for the keys. Something to be said about that. Definitely hide the duplicates or take them with you.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Sept 3, 2013 16:09:36 GMT -5
My mom had to take my grandma's keys away a couple of years ago. She is still pissed. They even sold her car to one of my cousins. She still technically has a license and threated many times to call the dealership and said that some nice young salesman would happily pick her up from her nursing home and sell her a car. She was probably right. She lived in a very small town (300 people) 8 miles from the big town (5,000 people). My mom or my aunt would get calls all the time from neighbors and distant relatives about grandma's driving. I like the idea of the locked box for the keys. Something to be said about that. Definitely hide the duplicates or take them with you. And pull the battery or otherwise temporarily disable the car. ETA: we danced around FIL for a while because we wanted to avoid the sh*tstorm, so I TOTALLY get it. Problem is, the sh*tstorm is probably eventually coming anyway . . .
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Sept 3, 2013 16:12:52 GMT -5
Can someone enlist a neighbor for emergency transportation? If she does suddenly need to go buy milk or take a dog to the vet if a neighbor had a copy of her car key they could take her. She could pay them $20 for an hour or less and she may never need them.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Sept 3, 2013 16:15:17 GMT -5
Can someone enlist a neighbor for emergency transportation? If she does suddenly need to go buy milk or take a dog to the vet if a neighbor had a copy of her car key they could take her. She could pay them $20 for an hour or less and she may never need them. I'm pretty sure this could be arranged. Problem is, MIL is not rational.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2013 16:20:46 GMT -5
LMAO!!! That's how everybody drives here. I live in the land of rude drivers with all of the old people and those from other places. It's not uncommon to see head lights coming at you at night either. How do you not know you are in the wrong lane? If that was one of our relatives I'd do the "Uh oh. Flobot is bro ken!" on that Progressive commercial and pull the battery. Once you get over the initial horror it is kind of funny. You think this 5' gray-haired lady would be so sweet and nice but she's HORRIBLE! In some ways she reminds me a lot of my grandmother "Shut up kid and get me my cigarettes and beer!" Don't be expecting these little old ladies to be baking cookies anytime soon! For sure. And the feistiness has made them survive some pretty tough times but O.M.G. is it hard to help them. I'll say my little prayer again, please God when it comes my turn, be kind to the folks who care and are trying to help me.
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