Kids sharing toys

[Deleted]

My daughter just had her fourth child yesterday (her third girl), and during a long hospital visit, she told me she was trying to teach her oldest daughter how to play with her younger daughter.

Oldest daughter (five) is much like me.  She is rather serious, likes to organize things, etc.  So she has some toys that my daughter called "The Strawberry People."  My granddaughter likes to organize them according to size and color and hates for anyone to mess with her organization.

Her younger sister (two-and-a-half) likes to mess with her sister.  She will be coloring on her page and reach over and color on her sister's page, which drives my oldest granddaughter nuts.  Oldest granddaughter likes everything "just right."  She also doesn't like for anyone to mess with her toys after she organizes them.

Her mom (my daughter) says she can't/won't buy two of anything so everything has to be shared.  So she is trying to teach her oldest daughter how to let her sister play with her stuff.  I think it is sad that my oldest granddaughter never has anything that is her own.  I was a younger child, but it would have driven me nuts if a younger sibling (and she now has two) messed up my stuff.  It still bothers me when my husband does it. 

Is my daughter right?  Everything should be community property?  I just keep thinking that is so unfair to the oldest.

But I am no longer a parent; I am a grandparent.

So tell me I am wrong. 

[plugginaway22]

I raised 2 daughters, about 2 years apart, and they shared a ROOM for several years, but they each had their own things.  They worked out whether or not the sister could play with those things.  She just needs to back off a little and let them work it out.  Guess her hands will be a full for the next several years!

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

I'm not a parent but I did grow up as the younger child in a large family that was close in age.  I shared a room with my older stepsister growing up (we are 2 years different) and we each had our own things.  There was NEVER an assumption that her things would be shared or that my things would be shared with my younger sister.  We did end up sharing most things (We had the barbie bin so stuff got mixed) but it was definitely not without permission.

I would recommend that younger sister not be allowed carte blanche to play with older sis's toys.  She should ask and get permission, just like us adults do when we borrow someone else's belongings.  Your DD may find that her oldest girl becomes more generous and allows her sister to play with her/her stuff more if she is secure that her stuff is hers and won't be messed with without her permission.  

[Deleted]

Good advice, Audrey!  I was actually thinking that maybe I should be the one to buy two of stuff.

It made me really sad that my oldest granddaughter would never have anything that was exclusively hers.  I am an  ocdwannabee so I understand the need to organize and not have anything touched. 

I also laughed at clothes.  My oldest granddaughter gets clothes from a friend of my daughter.  They pass them back to that friend.  Then it goes to my second granddaughter.  They pass them back again.  They end up with my third granddaughter. 

Are kids' clothes that awesome that they can withstand six sets of kids?  It really made me laugh.

[NoNamePerson]

And people feel bad that I am an only child who had an only child

[chiver78]

I shared a room with my sister growing up. we are three and a half years apart, I'm older. her MO was that anything in our room was free for her to use/wear/play with/mess up(in my mind) and it drove me batshit crazy. to this day, my coworkers give me grief b/c if they send me looking for something on their desk, if it isn't in plain view I won't find it b/c I won't go poking around their stuff. yes, I know they told me to.....I just can't.

could you maybe buy a small toy for each of your grandkids? something that is meant for them alone.

sent from my electronic distraction

[cronewitch]

The mother should be teaching the girls to respect other people's things including their own sister. I bet the mother doesn't let the girls play with her things without asking and some things are off limits so the girls should have the same rights to say this is mine don't touch it.

[Shooby]

Well it isn't about right or wrong . If that is her decision as a parent then that is her decision.

[Deleted]

We're all 18 months apart.  We shared a single room for most our lives.  Some stuff, mostly cheaper things, we got our own of. Like we each got a plastic mug as kids; one was red, one was blue, one was green. One time dad got us three stuffed animals, one for each of us.  A big exception to expense was that we got our own kayaks as teens so we could do group excursions.

Most stuff sort of got kicked into a common pool though, and whoever liked a thing the most claimed it as informally "theirs" over time, based on hours of use.  Situations could shift, and a thing could be informally given away, or a thing could be temporarily claimed, then returned to the pool.

Block sets, shirts, rackets, games, stuffed animals, books, movies, etc. went into the pool.  Some things we all liked and used, like the jumbo crayon box and computer, so they were unclaimed.  Sets of two (like the two bikes or a racket set) tended to be communal property for anyone's use.

If a Christmas or birthday present was given specifically to someone, but another like it more, that was fine, the other person used it and over time claimed it with blessings. If a toy was given specifically to someone as a present, and that person did claimed it, that stance was ironclad and absolute; there was no shifting, and permission for use had to be sought for sure. 

It wasn't perfect, but I can't remember any actual fights about toys or clothes.  A couple sulky frustrations during claim shifts or first dibs at reading a book.  Mostly true upsets occurred when super energetic little sis did stuff like whipping older sis and I with her binkie, until we stopped reading and chased her. She loved that, running full tilt, and would fling herself into a chair or on a staircase, pinwheeling her feet screaming "don't hurt me don't hurt me!" to keep us away. We'd go away, and she'd do it all over again. It was maddening until she grew out it, and started using that energy as a force of good.  Older sis and I pretty much never fought, weirdly enough.  Our personalities and interests didn't really conflict, and we respected "stop now" pretty early.  Little sis is group oriented, energetic, mischievous, and very polarizing, always has been, always will.  People usually love her to pieces for her charm and fierce loyalty, or can't stand her.

[Formerly SK]

My kids are 8.5 and 7 (boy/girl).  Separate bedrooms.  That said, I can't really thing of any toys/games/crafts they have that isn't shared.  We buy them separate stuff (boy gets X, girl gets Y) but in the end it all seems to become family stuff.  I don't know how that happened now that I think about it.    Maybe it is because they are close in age/development so their toys are more equal rather than a younger kid coveting a "cooler" older toy?

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

Thanks, susana.  I think our parents did a fairly good job.  We were poor so whatever each kid had that was "theirs" was important.  I think it has helped us to learn that there are boundaries and you don't just take someone else's things without asking.

Copper's post reminded me of how we had a lot of things. A lot of the time, we would get duplicates of the same thing but with our own color, marking, etc.  That was always the person's stuff who got it.  I remember getting beach towels that were the same but had a small personalized patch.  A few weeks ago, I was at the 'rent's house and grabbed a towel from the cabinet.  It was one of those and it was my stepbrother's (had his patch).  I thought about calling him to ask if he minded me using it  .  Keep in mind, this towel is ~25 years old, frayed, and he hasn't lived there for ~10 years.  It is still his, though.  

[reader79]

They should have their own things - toys, clothes, books, etc. I am one of six, and at one point five of us shared one room. We each had a little shelf for our belongings. I kept my Archie comics and my peel-off nail polish on mine. There were shared items, but that was at the discretion of the owner. For instance, most board games went on the main bookshelf in the living room. We had so little growing up, that everything became precious.

I try to remember this with my nieces, and give them individual gifts. They are 3 and 6, and share a bedroom right now. The little one told me the other day that her favorite color was purple. I'm not sure if that is because she likes it best, or because we ended up unconsciously making that 'her' color. Everything that was bought for the first girl was pink, and this was a way to identify their stuff easily. 

[Deleted]

Boy, did the coloring book story hit a sore spot! I was one of 5 and we were supposed to share everything I hated it. What I remember was wanting to have one coloring book where I had colored every page- none of my siblings. One day when I wasn't around my sister colored a picture in it. She said she'd asked our mother and Mom had said it was OK. I was furious, and Mom called me "selfish". I wasn't very good at standing up for myself so I couldn't explain how I felt. It could have been worse- my SIL came from an even larger family and her mother told her she was selfish when she wouldn't lend her car to her siblings. (They were careless with it and always returned it with an empty tank.)

I strongly believe that each kid should have things that are off-limits to the others. Not only does it provide some security for the owner, it teaches the other kids respect for others' property. It's even more important now, when kids may branch out into high-ticket items such as iPods or video games, where the parents may expect them to earn some of the cost. NO way those things should become community property.

[alabamagal]

My kids always had stuff that was theirs, and they really shared a lot of things.

When they were teens, I actually once found that maybe they were sharing too much.  We had a video game console that belonged to all.  They were pretty good about sharing time on it.  The older boy was a "saver" and would never spend his earned money on anything.  The younger boy was a "spender" and would spend every bit of his money on video games and the boys would both play them.  I told my older son that he should be thankful that his brother was sharing games, but did not think it was fair that he never spent money on games, but got the benefit of his brother's spending.

On kids clothes, it can really depend on how long they last.  We had some clothes that would get passed down several times.  Also from what you describe, it may not always be the same exact clothes.  For instance, kid one has a set of clothes and wears them, passes down to kid 2.  Kid 2 may need a few extra pieces of clothes that get added to the pile, then passes everything down to kid 3.  Kid 3 may have a bunch from kid 1, but maybe some added for kid 2.

My youngest used to love hand me downs from his brother.  Almost like he was taking something from his brother.  My boys were 27 months apart, unfortunately the hand me downs stopped when they were 12 and 10 due to younger brother beings as big as older brother.  In high school, we actually did some "hand me ups" from younger to older.

[toomuchreality]

Learning to share is a good thing. So is learning to respect someone else's property.
Learning both to set and to respect boundaries, is also good.

I also don't think it's wrong to give, or make a suggestion to your daughter. Just because a person does something a certain way, doesn't mean they aren't, or wouldn't be open to something different. People change their minds all the time.
We'd be in a world of hurt, if every choice and decision were cast in stone.

[sbcalimom]

I have two daughters - a 4 year old and a 2 year old.  They both get individual toys and shared toys.  We encourage them to share but they're allowed to have a few things at any given time that are just theirs.  If they decide they don't want to share X,Y,Z then they have to make suggestions for what they do want to share.  It seems to balance the sharing with having their own stuff. 

[973beachbum]

We are a family who lives in a small house.  This attitude of MINE, MINE, MINE, would have driven us to murder each other long ago, if it had been allowed.

The kids each have their own bedroom, but toys were the families for the most part not the individual kids even if they were kept in that child's bedroom.  It isn't like we have a family room to keep the board games or  toys for example.  They don't share a lot of clothes for example since they are different sexes, but they would if they were.    Since when did teaching your dhildren  to share and play well with others become bad parenting?

My daughter is almost 18 now and does have some stuff that she bought herself with money she earned from jobs, like her kindle.  That isn't family stuff that would otherwise be expected to be passed down or shared.   Interestingly enough when her brother is wanting to do something online that he can't do with his kindle she offeresto let him use hers all the time.  I have also needed something and she offered me the thing she had bought herself.   When I said it was hers once, and I didn't want to take it, she replied that almost everything in the house was actualy mine or dads, and yet we never said that to her or her brother.

[Shooby]

  I think teaching them to share is great but a balance is nice.  Because if not one child will tend to find ways to dominate the other.

[Miss Tequila]

When my kids were younger we had shared toys but we also had individual toys. But they also had to be responsible with their personal toys. Those toys were to be kept in their rooms when they weren't playing with them. If left somewhere else, they were up for grabs

[Formerly SK]

I think there are different dynamics at play here.

Oldest daughter (five) is much like me. She is rather serious, likes to organize things, etc. So she has some toys that my daughter called "The Strawberry People." My granddaughter likes to organize them according to size and color and hates for anyone to mess with her organization.

Is the organization within the 5yo's space?  Meaning, it's one thing if she's carefully organizing her toys on her bed and quite another if she's doing it in the middle of the living room floor.  One space is more private, the other is communal.  I tell my kids if they are doing something special they don't want bothered by others they need to move it to a better/private/quiet location.

Her younger sister (two-and-a-half) likes to mess with her sister. She will be coloring on her page and reach over and color on her sister's page, which drives my oldest granddaughter nuts.

This has nothing to do with sharing.  The younger child is purposely antagonizing the older child.  That should not be allowed.

Her mom (my daughter) says she can't/won't buy two of anything so everything has to be shared. So she is trying to teach her oldest daughter how to let her sister play with her stuff. I think it is sad that my oldest granddaughter never has anything that is her own.

I think the mom's stance is completely correct.  Sure, sometimes it is easy to buy two coloring books because they are cheap.  But what about video games?  Or play kitchens?  I have a friend who bought TWO of those spendy playkitchens because she didn't want to hear her kids fight over who got the stove vs the fridge when they played together.  Seriously, if kids can't solve that problem then they shouldn't get one at all.  Are the kids going to each get their own bathroom because they can't share a sink? 

The problem with OP's situation is it sounds like the mom is asking the older DD to make all the concessions to the younger DD.  That's NOT teaching about sharing IMO.  Instead it sounds like she doesn't want to step up and discipline/teach the younger child to behave better so she's making the 5yo constantly "take one for the team."  That really sucks for the 5yo, and can have some lasting negative consequences for her.  I'm sure having four kids young kids is very hard, but her 5yo shouldn't bear the brunt of it. 

[Gardening Grandma]

susanna,
I don't think you are wrong, but that isn't the point here.  One of the hardest aspects of being a grandparent is to avoid telling your child how to parent.  Even when they know you are right, they will resent it.

I've bitten my tongue so many times.... (and opened my mouth too many)


ETA,
sorry, rukh.
I posted before reading all the responses. You are spot on.

[zibazinski]

Formerly SK, you are SPOT ON!

[NoNamePerson]

My son is an only child but I had to teach him about sharing with his little friends when they came over to play. I know it has to be different when both are under the same roof. But it isn't brain surgery. Just a little common sense will go a long way in getting the point across.

When my son wanted a friend to come over to play I reminded him of the sharing rule. Did it always work - hell no. What 3,4, 5 yr old always play sby/remembers all the rules but after a while they sunk in.

Someone has to step up and be the adult - sorry if Little Johnny/Janie gets their panties in a wad

[Deleted]

Why does it have to be one or the other? Why does everything have to be community property? Why can't they all have items of their own, as well as shared items?

My four kids have very different attitudes towards their belongings, and have since they were little. To me a child who is very fastidious being forced to share their "precious things" with a careless sibling would create a lot of resentment down the road.  

These things don't seem pricey, so I don't really understand why your DD won't let her DD have her own. But like Rukh says, going against your DD's wishes could be getting into dangerous territory.

Personally my kids had both, their own items, and shared items. Just like DH and I do LOL. Just like we all do! I think that living in a family (especially with many siblings), there is ample opportunity to learn about sharing, but there is also something to be said for having "one's own things" too.

In our house, the garden toys / swing set / Lil Tykes car / stuff like that was all shared. So is the kitchen, the garden, the frying pans, the coffee maker, the car, the bathrooms, etc. As adults, most of us have both our own things, and things that we share. Both inside the home / family unit, and outside the home / family unit. 

This said, it's not because parents TEACH kids that they must respect other people's property that the kids necessarily learn. But that's another issue lol.

SS, DS2 loses everything and never hesitated to "borrow" DD's or DS3's stuff, even if they aren't home. He would always return it, but not necessarily in the same condition. When DS3 was little (but still very fastidious) he didn't dare say no. So instead, he learned to hide those items. (They are all older now and it's no longer an issue.) But the risk is that your DGD starts hiding or stashing her "precious things".

Poor DS2 still can't understand why anybody would ever refuse to lend him something. He says that if he had "it", he'd be more than happy to lend "it" (whatever "it" is) to his siblings. And he means it. But since he always lost / broke everything he touched, he was never on the "giving" or "lending" end. Happily he is finally getting better (at 25 LOL).

[Deleted]

Also ... I assume there are a lot of "Strawberry People"? So maybe DGD1 can have some of them, and arrange them however she likes, and DGD2 can have others, and arrange them however SHE likes. And presumably, sometimes both girls could play together with ALL of their "Strawberry People"? 

Problem solved LOL!

I also think there is sometimes (but not always) more fun to be had when both kids who are close in age have the same items. We wouldn't expect two kids to share a sleeping bag, or water pistol, or flashlight (some items I remember my dad getting both my DS1 and DS2 when they were little. They are 20 months apart.) He did get them just one set of walkie-talkies though.  

[Deleted]

Nowhere did I say that I criticized my daughter's decision.  I certainly don't tell her how to parent.  I did reflect on an online message board, but that's not the same thing. 

[Gardening Grandma]

Sept 1, 2013 17:43:33 GMT -5 @southernsusana said:

Nowhere did I say that I criticized my daughter's decision.  I certainly don't tell her how to parent.  I did reflect on an online message board, but that's not the same thing. 

I agree it's not the same thing at all.  It just wasnt' clear to me from your OP.  I'm glad you didn't say anything.  (I still think you're right).  I think biting our tongues may be the hardest part of being a grandparent...

[Deleted]

Sept 1, 2013 10:07:37 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  I think teaching them to share is great but a balance is nice.  Because if not one child will tend to find ways to dominate the other.

 Not always.
 Only if one is EVIL... but that one bad apple can sour the whole barrel.

[Deleted]

Nowhere did I say that I criticized my daughter's decision.

I agree, you never said that. Nonetheless it is pretty clear that you don't appear to agree with your DD's decision on that, given that you said "I think it is sad that my oldest granddaughter never has anything that is her own."

I admire you for keeping your tongue, SS. It's not always easy with adult kids, as I well know.  (Check out my post on the tattoo thread LOL!)

[Deleted]

Aug 31, 2013 20:29:28 GMT -5 @southernsusana said:

Oldest daughter (five) is much like me.  She is rather serious, likes to organize things, etc.  So she has some toys that my daughter called "The Strawberry People."  My granddaughter likes to organize them according to size and color and hates for anyone to mess with her organization.

<snip> I was a younger child, but it would have driven me nuts if a younger sibling (and she now has two) messed up my stuff.  It still bothers me when my husband does it. 

It might be helpful if you said something to that effect to your daughter and/or granddaughter- more of a story from your own life than a flat statement of how she should raise her kids.  It might give your daughter insight into her oldest daughter's personality, and it might at least let your DGD know she's not wrong in feeling that way- it's just the way she's wired.