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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2013 20:34:51 GMT -5
Nowhere did I say that I criticized my daughter's decision.I agree, you never said that. Nonetheless it is pretty clear that you don't appear to agree with your DD's decision on that, given that you said "I think it is sad that my oldest granddaughter never has anything that is her own." I admire you for keeping your tongue, SS. It's not always easy with adult kids, as I well know. (Check out my post on the tattoo thread LOL!) I don't agree, but I also said that I am the grandmother, not the mother. Not only are they her kids, but she actually has to live with them on a day-to-day basis. It was just hospital chit chat, actually. Ditto for the clothes conversation.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 1, 2013 20:52:23 GMT -5
There is nothing wrong with grandma giving advice. My mom gave me lots of advice . Some I listened to and some I didn't. But she always meant well and I did appreciate her advice.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Sept 1, 2013 20:53:10 GMT -5
This is another possible solution.
I was the youngest of 4 kids.
We each had our own toys. BUT mom & dad also created a "toy bin" - and those toys were to be shared/used among us. It was also our responsibility to put those toys back in the "community bin" and not add them to our own personal stash.
If another sib wanted to borrow or play with one of our own personal toys, they needed to ask us for permission - and return it when finished if it was 'loaned out' by one of us.
I was lucky in the sense that I was the only girl out of the four of us - so my Barbies, and a few other 'girlie' toys they didn't really have any interest in using. But being a bit of a tomboy, I loved playing with their trucks, cars, and other 'guy' toys.
But the 'community bin' had toys for both - they more generic including board games we could play together - it saved a lot of headaches and squabbling among us.
We were pretty good about sharing our things though.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2013 7:32:21 GMT -5
OK, I know I'm permanently traumatized by my childhood because I can't let go of this subject (have to discuss this with my 80-something parents next time I see them!) but I thought of another story of forced sharing that still ticks me off when I think about it. I was at a family reunion and a kindly relative bought me a popsicle. A whole, double popsicle! All I'd ever gotten was half of one. I started to enjoy it and my brother, a year younger, saw it and whined to our father. Dad, without asking me, split it in half and gave one half to my brother. I resented my brother. I resented my Dad. It did not teach me any good lessons at all. It taught me to grab and hide anything you don't want to become community property. Good thing I didn't become a food hoarder.
I just feel for SS's DGD and I hope her mother sets some boundaries on the younger siblings. Generosity can't be forced. Unless you have things you can truly call yours, how can you share them or give them away?
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milee
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Post by milee on Sept 2, 2013 7:33:10 GMT -5
Both of you are right in that you are making good parenting decisions based on what you think is best for the girls. IMHO, neither of the approaches is going to seriously scar the kids and both ways will teach them something useful. It's tough to know which approach is best, because there's not much info on what each daughter needs, what her particular issues are, what issues she most needs help to work on, etc. You and your daughter instead may be basing your decision on what you personally like/need/want rather than what the daughters most like/need/want. Again, not that either approach is going to hurt either girl, just that there's no way to pick the "right" approach without knowing a lot more about both the girls and their particular needs. Edited to add: Athena's post gives a good example. Obviously, if Athena can describe an incident about a popsicle several decades ago, it was a big deal to her. So for Athena, obviously, sharing was an issue. Her parents could address that in a couple of ways, but instead seemed oblivious to her concern. Maybe they could have done some things to help her feel more secure and then helped her learn to share (or not), but ignoring her distress over the issue was counterproductive. On the other hand, there are lots of posts here that show kids who didn't mind sharing, so for them any of the approaches would have been fine. So it's less about what issues the parents personally have and more about the issues that each individual child has.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 2, 2013 8:15:32 GMT -5
Sorry but with 4 kids, I think SSs DD just wants peace and quiet at another expense. If that 5 year old is the oldest, I'm sorry for all of them. SS, why don't you take 5 year old and just do some one on one things with her?
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Sept 2, 2013 9:13:04 GMT -5
Our kids are far apart. We're dealing with almost a tween, a kindergartener, and a toddler. There's absolutely no way the toddler is capable of learning what sharing is at this point. Sharing everything is also impractical from a safety perspective.
When our kids play in the same room, we try to have two separate stations based on age level..so they can do their own thing in a shared space. If that won't work, well, we actively encourage the older kids to go to their rooms, and shut their door and play there.
We also do not force our kids to play together.
I'm also wondering if the daughter buys too much stuff. Our kids get toys twice a year: For Christmas and for their birthdays. They get maybe 3 new toys a year. Otherwise it's things like bikes, sporting gear, books, ornaments, etc. But, no clothes. So, for us, we get the kids very little community toys anyway.
Yes, we do have a few duplicate toys. Call me a bad mom. This year for Christmas the baby got a stroller. Yes, we already had one. But, it was geared towards a child that had mastered walking (rather than a crawler) and I didn't think it was fair to tell my middle daughter that she now had to share simply because we chose to have another baby.
We also have two baby dolls. My middle daughter got one when she turned 1. That doll has held up well for the last 5 years. So, that's why we bought another one for the baby when she turned one. My middle daughter also uses the doll as a lovey. I'm not going to tell my daughter she has to give up one of her favorite lovies so she can share with the baby..
That said, we are buying a new toy kitchen for the baby for Christmas this year. I do expect that she and my middle dd will play with it together. Our current one has been falling apart for the past few years now, and has been played with by at least 4 kids prior to my baby. I thought it might be nice for the baby to actually get a new toy. Last year, I think she got a like a book or two, and that was it.
ETA: We also don't parent each child the same, because our children are individuals.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Sept 2, 2013 9:14:10 GMT -5
Wouldn't the younger never have anything of her own either? Is that not sad because you like the oldest one more?
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Sept 2, 2013 10:16:30 GMT -5
I think there needs to be balance. Some items are to be shared and some aren't. DS knows if he doesn't want his sister to play with something it needs to go to his room, if it is in the living room, then they need to play together.
As for the clothes thing, while all of the clothes won't last through 6 kids, what you get is that you only have to replace a few of the items which each kid. My son is usually boy #2 or 3 for his clothes. But his Grandparents also buy him some new clothes. So the things that aren't worn out and the new items get passed down to a friend of mine and her 2 boys. Most of the clothes won't make it through 5 kids, but my friends and I have to buy very little in terms of clothes even with the items being worn out.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2013 10:49:49 GMT -5
Wouldn't the younger never have anything of her own either? Is that not sad because you like the oldest one more? The younger one only got her baby sister three days ago. I'm sure I'll be equally sad for her in a few years, but it is hard to be sad that far in advance about something that hasn't happened yet. I love them both so stop trying to cause trouble, Thyme.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Sept 2, 2013 12:18:22 GMT -5
Wouldn't the younger never have anything of her own either? Is that not sad because you like the oldest one more? I was the 4th of 5. My older sister is 11 years older than me. I think I was in HS before I got an article of clothing, other than underwear, that was brought brand new for me. She can suck it if she wants to complain about having to share her old crap with me. ETA DH is the 3rd out of 3 and he's still confused about the way his parents insisted on making him wear his brothers old clothes. They are only about a year apart. DH's brother was only 5'7 and wore a size 8 shoe full grown. I think his father about the same size. DH outgrew their clothes and shoes by 7th or 8th grade. He complained about his shoes hurting and everyone just called him a baby. He still can't figure out why they didn't just buy the clothes to fit him and have him pass them to his brother. The shoes part still baffles us. DH has size 13EEE feet. There is no way they didn't know his brother's size 8's didn't fit.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Sept 2, 2013 17:08:48 GMT -5
Wouldn't the younger never have anything of her own either? Is that not sad because you like the oldest one more? The younger one only got her baby sister three days ago. I'm sure I'll be equally sad for her in a few years, but it is hard to be sad that far in advance about something that hasn't happened yet. I love them both so stop trying to cause trouble, Thyme. But, even if all the younger one had to do is share with the older sister, she still would never have any toys of her own - right? You make it sound like all the toys they own right now are community toys and that is very sad for the oldest child. Why isn't it sad for the (now) middle child, with or without a new baby?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2013 17:20:38 GMT -5
The younger one only got her baby sister three days ago. I'm sure I'll be equally sad for her in a few years, but it is hard to be sad that far in advance about something that hasn't happened yet. I love them both so stop trying to cause trouble, Thyme. But, even if all the younger one had to do is share with the older sister, she still would never have any toys of her own - right? You make it sound like all the toys they own right now are community toys and that is very sad for the oldest child. Why isn't it sad for the (now) middle child, with or without a new baby? Because two-year-old is too young to understand anything except "Mine!" So for her, there are no communal toys. Everything is HERS. Quit analyzing this! Lol. I haven't thought it through beyond that the older granddaughter is bothered, and the younger one isn't. She has her page to color AND her sister's.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Sept 3, 2013 7:00:58 GMT -5
I had 2 sons close together in age. They never had to share toys unless they wanted to. Sometimes they decided to play together and put things together. One had a GIJOE plane, one had a GIJOE jeep, so they could do a lot more using both. Games stayed in their room IF they belonged to them. Family games stayed downstairs. When they got in HS, they did borrow clothes a few times. College t-shirts or sports sweatshirts. But they were never required to share those. Southernsusana, I hope you can keep your thoughts to yourself. It sounds like you are trying. Anytime I am tempted to give 'motherly' or 'grandmotherly' advice, I remember how much I 'appreciated' the 'advice' I got.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2013 7:48:06 GMT -5
At 5 a kid doesn't need things of her own.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 3, 2013 7:56:38 GMT -5
I did expect to get to re- use all of our baby toys for dd, but DS has definite sharing. Issues.
Technically they share a room right now too so baby toys have a drawer in each room.
Sent from my Droid using proboards
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Sept 3, 2013 10:30:59 GMT -5
OK, I know I'm permanently traumatized by my childhood because I can't let go of this subject (have to discuss this with my 80-something parents next time I see them!) but I thought of another story of forced sharing that still ticks me off when I think about it. I was at a family reunion and a kindly relative bought me a popsicle. A whole, double popsicle! All I'd ever gotten was half of one. I started to enjoy it and my brother, a year younger, saw it and whined to our father. Dad, without asking me, split it in half and gave one half to my brother. I resented my brother. I resented my Dad. It did not teach me any good lessons at all. It taught me to grab and hide anything you don't want to become community property. Good thing I didn't become a food hoarder. I just feel for SS's DGD and I hope her mother sets some boundaries on the younger siblings. Generosity can't be forced. Unless you have things you can truly call yours, how can you share them or give them away? Everyone has something in their life that made them angry or hurt. The above is a good example of that. I suspect that if the OP's daughter raises her girls to share as was described, that somehow they'll persevere and overcome. Sometimes adults overestimate the importance of somethings in how they believe it will make a child feel or risk to create some negative outcome. As from your post, you seemed to have grown up to be a reasonably normal and well adjusted person despite the forced sharing of your youth.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Sept 3, 2013 16:59:48 GMT -5
I wouldn't like NEVER having anything of my own, but my brother and I shared a LOT of stuff. About the only things we had of our own were when we each had one. We were very similar though, so it didn't bother us much.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Sept 3, 2013 17:21:53 GMT -5
OK, I know I'm permanently traumatized by my childhood because I can't let go of this subject (have to discuss this with my 80-something parents next time I see them!) but I thought of another story of forced sharing that still ticks me off when I think about it. I was at a family reunion and a kindly relative bought me a popsicle. A whole, double popsicle! All I'd ever gotten was half of one. I started to enjoy it and my brother, a year younger, saw it and whined to our father. Dad, without asking me, split it in half and gave one half to my brother. I resented my brother. I resented my Dad. It did not teach me any good lessons at all. It taught me to grab and hide anything you don't want to become community property. Good thing I didn't become a food hoarder. I just feel for SS's DGD and I hope her mother sets some boundaries on the younger siblings. Generosity can't be forced. Unless you have things you can truly call yours, how can you share them or give them away? I can still very clearly remember an exchange between an uncle and his two kids about a lesson in swapping. the younger kid swapped some toy and changed her mind about an hour later. my uncle sat her down and explained swapping and that she had made her decision when she swapped whatever it was...and never once even hinting that the older kid had to give the toy back. growing up, it seemed that both my parents (both the youngest in their families) would automatically side with my younger sis whenever she "turned on the water works" for whatever reason under the sun. that my uncle would actually side with the older cousin was just shocking to me! until that point, I was under the impression that older siblings were supposed to cave to tears and whining.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2013 18:32:29 GMT -5
At 5 a kid doesn't need things of her own. I disagree. By that point, I hope, you've taught her that her body is her own. She doesn't need to kiss creepy relatives or hug strangers if she's not into it. She doesn't need to submit to unwanted touching (well, except for the TSA ). I think that part of a kid's upbringing should include letting the know that they can set reasonable boundaries and expect people to observe them no matter how little they are. Yes, I know there's a difference between putting the Strawberry People in disarray and improper touching- but if I'd had a daughter she would have been raised to be a lot less compliant than I was, and having a few things that she didn't have to share would have been part of that.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Sept 4, 2013 6:08:40 GMT -5
Archie, I am going to hope that you are joking.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 4, 2013 8:19:14 GMT -5
Me, too.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2013 8:21:36 GMT -5
At 5 a kid doesn't need things of her own. I disagree. By that point, I hope, you've taught her that her body is her own. She doesn't need to kiss creepy relatives or hug strangers if she's not into it. She doesn't need to submit to unwanted touching (well, except for the TSA ). I think that part of a kid's upbringing should include letting the know that they can set reasonable boundaries and expect people to observe them no matter how little they are. Yes, I know there's a difference between putting the Strawberry People in disarray and improper touching- but if I'd had a daughter she would have been raised to be a lot less compliant than I was, and having a few things that she didn't have to share would have been part of that. I did not mean that her body was a public free for all.... but no, at 5 years old I don't a kid needs to have a bunch of stuff that they protect as their own. My 5 year old thinks that everything in the house is hers anyway....
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 4, 2013 13:52:03 GMT -5
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 4, 2013 14:10:24 GMT -5
My kids are 5 and 3.75. Older is a girl, younger is a boy. They both "claim" stuff and horde keep it in their rooms. We have 9 older cousins, so there's a crap-ton of presents and hand-me-down toys in the house. Most of the toys end up as community property, but not all. DD's My Little Ponies are hers. DS's truck is his. Books are shared and migrate between 4 bookshelves (yes, we also have a crap-ton of kid books.) Playdoh is shared. Legos are shared. The kitchen playset is shared. Barbies are a grey area - DD's got like 45 (don't ask, please) and DS swiped the Barbie car for a while but I think DD snagged it back recently. And they both have "houses" in the living room - areas marked off with chairs, the fan, etc. where they play and keep toys. DD's got quite a collection in hers, DS is working on it. Until DD started getting all pink/purple clothes, some was handed down to DS. DH has ultimate "No" rights there. Clothes get handed down to any sucker person who needs/wants them.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 4, 2013 14:17:33 GMT -5
At 5 a kid doesn't need things of her own. Snort - didn't your older daughter get a brand new bedroom set last year? I was VERY possessive of my bed when I was a kid. I'm 3rd of 5. And I think I was about 6 when my parents bought a 2nd set of twin beds. Mine was MINE and I remember crying (and I'm not a crier) when Mom swapped the beds so that my sister and I (who shared a room) had matching beds. I think I was like 13. Mom came to see why I was crying and we ended up swapping the beds back.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2013 14:20:57 GMT -5
At 5 a kid doesn't need things of her own. Snort - didn't your older daughter get a brand new bedroom set last year? I was VERY possessive of my bed when I was a kid. I'm 3rd of 5. And I think I was about 6 when my parents bought a 2nd set of twin beds. Mine was MINE and I remember crying (and I'm not a crier) when Mom swapped the beds so that my sister and I (who shared a room) had matching beds. I think I was like 13. Mom came to see why I was crying and we ended up swapping the beds back. Yes. Believe me, I am not saying she doesn't get stuff. She has more crap than I care to admit.
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