Age Disparity in Relationships

[violagirl]

I have a friend who is dating a much younger man. I have another friend who married a much younger woman. Why is the older woman/younger man relationship given so much more scrutiny than when it is the other way around?

I have my doubts as to whether this relationship is going to work out since she is late 30s and he is mid 20s. While he has his own apartment he still is eating at his parents place every night and his mom does his laundry. Financially, he is supposed to take over the family business, which he currently works at part time for about minimum wage. Which historically has been a good gig for him as his costs are low, but is not going to work long term.

On the one hand, she doesn't want to be his mother, but on the other hand if the relationship is going to go somewhere, she wants him to address certain matters beforehand. Like his attachment to his mother, who has made it clear she does not like my friend corrupting her precious boy. (Her friends believe the mom is going to win this battle, but it is interesting to watch), the lack of financial goals etc.

It just seems that when it is the woman in the relationship who has more "power", for lack of a better term, people just can't grasp it. But as in the case of my other friend who married a much younger woman, the fact that she was flighty and jobless didn't raise any eyebrows at all.

Personally, I don't think it matters who makes more money, but I think the life experience factor is going to matter a lot in this relationship.

[Shooby]

  My BFF is married to a man 17 yrs older.   When we were younger, it didn't much matter.  Now, he is aging rapidly and has a lot of health issues and he has suddenly become an 'old man" while she is in the prime of her life.  It is what it is but i think it is something to consider.
  As for younger man, older women, i have never personally seen that work out with anyone.  I think men have much greater interest in the physical and a younger man over time is going to see the effects of age on a woman.  It is what it is.  It can work but more often i don't think that does.
  Some things in life are a double standard in reality.

[hoops902]

::It just seems that when it is the woman in the relationship who has more "power", for lack of a better term, people just can't grasp it. But as in the case of my other friend who married a much younger woman, the fact that she was flighty and jobless didn't raise any eyebrows at all. ::

That's because we've all been ingrained to believe that men like looks and women are more complex than that.  So a man who marries a younger hot chick is behaving normally, and a woman who marries a rich old guy is as well.  The opposite goes against what we've been taught men and women are/should be attracted to, so it gets more attention.

[kittensaver]

I politely disagree that older man/younger women combinations don't get the same kind of scrutiny. I think they do, but the attitudes around it are different. When an 80 year old marries a 22 year old stripper with big boobs, women in our culture/society tend to cluck about it and the guys tend to passively nod their heads in agreement to keep peace with the wife/gf - but privately they are saying "whoa - way to go, brother!"

[Shooby]

  Well, when an 80 yr old man marries Anna Nicole Smith, all of us KNOW there is no fool like an old fool and it is all about the Benjamins.

[Shooby]

And, i think when a younger man goes for a older woman i think there is the perception that this is a guy looking for easy street and to be taken care of. 

[kittensaver]

Aug 30, 2013 12:35:01 GMT -5 Shooby said:

And, i think when a younger man goes for a older woman i think there is the perception that this is a guy looking for easy street and to be taken care of. 

We tend to think the same thing about older men and younger women, too! Just sayin' . . . . we don't "cluck" about it as much because it is more socially acceptable.

[Shooby]

  I think it depends on the amount of age difference too.  A few years either way, i don't think anyone cares.  But, with more extremes in age it seems more suspect to people i guess.

[haapai]

Nah, we say that she's marrying for money and that she'll pay for every penny. 

[Deleted]

Aug 30, 2013 12:23:27 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

::It just seems that when it is the woman in the relationship who has more "power", for lack of a better term, people just can't grasp it. But as in the case of my other friend who married a much younger woman, the fact that she was flighty and jobless didn't raise any eyebrows at all. ::

That's because we've all been ingrained to believe that men like looks and women are more complex than that.  So a man who marries a younger hot chick is behaving normally, and a woman who marries a rich old guy is as well.  The opposite goes against what we've been taught men and women are/should be attracted to, so it gets more attention.

I believe hoops summed it up well:
- an old man getting a younger wife is an essential buying himself a trophy wife.
- while we understand that the younger woman is looking for financial security.

Basically it is an arrangement that we are familiar with , understand and accept.

An older woman marrying a younger man that she in ways have to be a "mother" too is still a bit perplexing. We can get the sex part but as hoops said: women are supposed to be more complex than that... Finances? Protection? Status?

Also it is more socially acceptable for a young lady to be a gold digger/marry for money vs a young man.

[Shooby]

Aug 30, 2013 12:40:48 GMT -5 haapai said:

Nah, we say that she's marrying for money and that she'll pay for every penny. 

Not if he croaks!

[Deleted]

Aug 30, 2013 12:15:19 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  My BFF is married to a man 17 yrs older.   When we were younger, it didn't much matter.  Now, he is aging rapidly and has a lot of health issues and he has suddenly become an 'old man" while she is in the prime of her life.  It is what it is but i think it is something to consider.

I agree- DH is 75 and I'm 60, and there's definitely a difference, although I think DH is doing better than most 75-year olds. Fortunately, we still have great adventures in our travels together and I use my excess energy working out, running, swimming, etc. at the end of the day and then going out and picking up dinner so we can enjoy it together in the hotel room. (Dinner in the hotel room has been a longstanding habit; we just prefer to relax instead of going to a restaurant.)

OTOH, a guy he used to work with married a woman in her early 40s when he was in his late 60s. He's now something like 81 and has all kinds of expensive health problems. She has very few marketable skills (was a secretary at the ad agency he owned, but she hated computers) and has some sort of a job but she's also a caretaker since he's slowly going blind. They no longer can afford to go out to dinner (she was a princess who insisted on that, or takeout, every night) and he says that they're going broke paying for prescriptions. I feel bad for her- she was closer to the younger-woman stereotype, marrying the boss and figuring she had a meal ticket. I hate to think how she'll manage when he's gone. At least with DH and me, I've got a career and I should be fine in retirement. I know the "caretaker" role could happen, but I hope he's got some good years left.

[kilroy]

Well, as a wife who's 26 years younger than her husband, I can say from experience that stereotypes don't always have much to do with reality.  I didn't marry my husband for financial security, although he has provided a certain measure of that.  And if he was looking for a trophy wife to make his buddies jealous, he could have done much better than me.

I think the only people who understand a relationship are the people in it.

[Tiny]

I've just always assumed that the problem with "older women/younger man" was purely social/cultural and the 'underlying issue' are the sterotypical (really LOUD sarcasm follows):
1.) older women can't have kids 'cause you know marriage is for making babies and EVERY guy and gal wants to have kids (genetically linked them) - there is no other possible reason for two people to want to get married than producing offspring .
2.) Women supposed simply stop having sex once they reach their mid 30's (cause you know, no woman past 35 can get pregnant and sex is just not enjoyable if you can't get pregnant)
3.) Men only really get aroused by younger women's bodies - all the fun sexual things two people (of any consenting age) can do together totally doesn't turn them on or hold their interest.

I'm also assuming the "older" means atleast a decade or more - not 5 or 6 years.

I'm thinking if the couple has worked thru their 'issues' with traditional roles/reasons for marriage and they're both a bit morbid and have thought about what happens when people age/get old I would think their relationship is ok over the long term.

FWIW: I'm the product of older parents (mom 45, dad 47) in a family with women who historicallly have had kids into their late 40's... I realize this probably isn't the norm for women.

[HoneyBBQ]

Aug 30, 2013 12:15:19 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  My BFF is married to a man 17 yrs older.   When we were younger, it didn't much matter.  Now, he is aging rapidly and has a lot of health issues and he has suddenly become an 'old man" while she is in the prime of her life.  It is what it is but i think it is something to consider.
  As for younger man, older women, i have never personally seen that work out with anyone.  I think men have much greater interest in the physical and a younger man over time is going to see the effects of age on a woman.  It is what it is.  It can work but more often i don't think that does.
  Some things in life are a double standard in reality.

That's close to the age difference between my spouse and I. What can you do? You love who you love. He is healthy and attractive and looks at least 10 years younger. Someone thought he was in his late 30's the other week (my age!). It's not ideal - in fact older woman younger man actually makes a lot more sense in terms of longevity but it is what it is.

[hoops902]

::It's not ideal - in fact older woman younger man actually makes a lot more sense in terms of longevity but it is what it is.::

It makes a lot more sense in terms of sex drive peaks too.

[haapai]

Aug 30, 2013 12:40:48 GMT -5 haapai said:

Nah, we say that she's marrying for money and that she'll pay for every penny. 

Actually, that was a pretty cheap, throwaway comment. 

What we actually say out loud is "I hope they're happy" and the older we get, the more we actually mean it. 

[kilroy]

Haapai, I know your clarification wasn't directed at/for me, but I appreciated it.

[haapai]

Nah, it wasn't directed at you.  It simply amazes me to hear myself mouthing these sweet, pious cliches and actually meaning it. 

[zibazinski]

My mom married my dad who was 26 years older than she was. Yes, it was for his money but they had a decent marriage until he died. She expected to be his princess and she was. I was just for "cement" in case he wised up and wanted to boot her. He never did wise up.

[formerroomate99]

It's just another double standard.  Nothing to see here.  We all know what's going on. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Why this show exists I have no idea but DH was watching Extreme Cougars on TLC.  He was going on and on about how the age differences were "gross" and he didn't get it.

Till I reminded him he was 10 years older than me.  

[giramomma]

I have a coworker that is 20ish years younger than her husband.

They don't have any kids, and for the most part the relationship has worked. Her husband is his 70s, and I know my coworker is grappling with the fact that she doesn't have a ton of time left with him anymore. She also has had some issues with him being retired..not the fact that he retired, but that's she still working and he still expects her to cook, clean, and work, etc.

[muttleynfelix]

Aug 30, 2013 14:06:05 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Why this show exists I have no idea but DH was watching Extreme Cougars on TLC.  He was going on and on about how the age differences were "gross" and he didn't get it.

Till I reminded him he was 10 years older than me.  

Umm did you watch the show?  The woman that were from 25 to 40 years older than the boys! My roommate in the hospital and I were watching the show and laughing and my DH is 17 years older than me and her boyfriend is 13 years younger than her (a PCA asked if her boyfriend was her son ).

I'm 17 years younger than my DH.  No it isn't ideal. I fully admit that my DH probably won't live past our kids graduating high school.  But even the health problems he has are not typical of a 48 year old. Life throws you for a loop no matter what happens.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Umm did you watch the show? The woman that were from 25 to 40 years older than the boys

I caught the part with the really old lady by then DH changed the channel because he said he was getting dumber by the minute watching that show. 

So I get where he was coming from but it was amusing to listen him talk about how older women dating younger men is gross.

Age comes in play with some things.  DH said he'd kinda like me to make up my mind about having a second in the near future.  So we've been discussing a cut-off date for having kids.

I don't turn 30 till December so I don't think about it all that much.  DH does the math more than I do.

[Chocolate Lover]

I caught the part with the really old lady by then DH changed the channel because he said he was getting dumber by the minute watching that show.

I keep telling DH I'm losing brain cells every moment of Big Brother he makes me watch. It's now my "put my headphones on and listen to music" time, I just can't watch it.  <<shudder>>

[Deleted]

Aug 30, 2013 14:17:20 GMT -5 giramomma said:

I have a coworker that is 20ish years younger than her husband.

They don't have any kids, and for the most part the relationship has worked. Her husband is his 70s, and I know my coworker is grappling with the fact that she doesn't have a ton of time left with him anymore. She also has had some issues with him being retired..not the fact that he retired, but that's she still working and he still expects her to cook, clean, and work, etc.

Yeah, I'd have a problem with that. DH does all the cooking, most of the cleaning and yard/pool work, and takes a lot of little domestic details off my shoulders. Just yesterday he got me a new computer mouse and bought and installed a battery for my bicycle odometer, thus taking 2 things off my weekend "To Do" list. My first husband was able-bodied and unemployed and still expected me to do it all. Never again.

I do realize every time I think of future travel that he won't be able to do this forever. As it is, we've pretty much stopped flying transatlantic Coach because it takes him too long to recover, and he's picked up bad respiratory bugs the last 3 times we've come home from Europe. We've got Alaska scheduled for next year, and I'm thinking Italy in 2015, but after that? Anything can happen. It's almost like we have to plan each year as if it might be our last trip together. I guess as problems go, that's a good one to have.
We have 15 years of fantastic memories and stories from a lot of wonderful places.

[Phoenix84]

Aug 30, 2013 12:30:47 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

I politely disagree that older man/younger women combinations don't get the same kind of scrutiny. I think they do, but the attitudes around it are different. When an 80 year old marries a 22 year old stripper with big boobs, women in our culture/society tend to cluck about it and the guys tend to passively nod their heads in agreement to keep peace with the wife/gf - but privately they are saying "whoa - way to go, brother!"

Says the lady who fantasized about having me as a boy toy, that is, until I wouldn't let pets sleep in the bed.

[Phoenix84]

Anyways, I've always looked at older man/younger woman situations with some scruiteny.  As the OP pointed out, there comes a time where one partner moves onto the next stage of life, while the other is in a different stage.  You'd like end up with a retired old man wanting a nurse to take care of him and a wife who wants to travel and be active but has to take care of her old man husband.

Personally, large age disparities aren't for me.  I'm willing to date a few years older or younger, but not much more.

[Deleted]

We didn't date but the fact that I was pushing 30 (and then turned 30) was not a blip on NCG's radar when that whole whatever was happening (he just turned 24 in May).