Do you say anything?

[Angel!]

My BFF is getting married in a few months.  The problem is whenever she talks about her relationship she sounds unhappy.  Seems like she should be thrilled at this point, the unhappiness should come later.  She has mentioned their complete lack of sex life on several occassions, once pondering how they were going to have children if they never have sex.  The other day she started talking about an old flame that she was always supposed to come back home to be with, she was wondering what would have happened if she had done that. 

I have this urge to tell her just not to marry him or at least to reconsider.  It seems like she is setting herself up for an unhappy relationship.  I don't think there is anything horrible about the guy, but I just think she isn't happy.  He isn't what she really wants in a husband.  But, I think she is caught up in what she is supposed to be doing with the wedding planning and everything and feels it is too late to turn back.  I think she feels he should be the perfect guy and therefore she should be happy.  And then she is scared that she is also running out of time and needs to settle down if she wants kids.  

Is it normal cold feet?  I don't remember being anything but happy when planning my wedding.  So it seems like a bad sign to have a lot of vocal doubts at this point.

Do you say anything or just leave it alone?

[Abby Normal]

You say something- but you don't make it sound judgemental.  In other words,  "BFF, I'm worried about you. You seem so unhappy lately- are you ok?" You open the door for general conversation.  If she complains about no sex, or anything else- ask if they've gone through premarital counseling.  "BFF, you might try premarital counseling.  That's a big issue and you'll probably feel better if you and xxx are on the same page before you marry." 

[Deleted]

I'm not sure how it is spelled, but maybe you could suggest a menege a trois.   Could help spice things up for her.

[Deleted]

I'm with Rukh. You should bring it up once and then it's up to her  to decide what she wants to do with her life. 

At least she can't say that no one warned her.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If she's your BFF I'd bring it up with her ONCE.  

If it upsets her now it's not going to magically resolve itself once they sign that piece of paper.  If it's a dealbreaker now it'll forever be a dealbreaker. She'll only become more resentful and bitter about the situation over time.

She shouldn't go into this thinking it's okay unless she actually wants to settle for it.  If she's fantasizing about another man then she isn't okay with spending her life with this.   Sex is one of those things that can bleed over into other parts of your life.  It'll be a giant cloud over her marriage.

If she wants to marry him then she'll need to make peave with it.  If she can't do HIM a favor and let him go.  Don't marry him thinking he will change or dreaming of another man, it's not fair.

And that's what I'd tell my BFF.  I should add though my BFF knows I do not pull punches, I'm the brutally honest person. 

If she chose to proceed I'd keep my mouth shut and put on my fake happy face.

[shanendoah]

I'd say something. My BFF married one of our good friends from high school. I am friends with them both. But there was a time where he was pulling some stupid s**t, and I offered her, her two boys, and her dog a place to stay if she wanted out.

Next time she complains, I would take a moment and say something along the lines of "You are my best friend, and all I want is for you to be happy. Fiance seems like a nice enough guy, but you deserve better than nice enough. You deserve to be happy, and so does he. And you just don't seem happy right now." That gives her a chance to talk to you about it. She can take that chance or not.

Like others, though, I wouldn't harp on it. I'd give the opening, and then I would not bring it up again unless she brings it up.

[whoisjohngalt]

Did you ever ask her?

My understanding of best friends has always been that they can talk about anything.  Not necessarily agree on things, but talk and ask questions.   Is that not the case with you?

[moneymaven]

Yes, definitely say something. It's a tough conversation to have, but it should be done.

I just did this with a family member who was engaged to someone very wrong for her. Everyone talked about it, but no one was willing to tell her. When I shared my thoughts, she was relieved to finally have someone she could tell that she wanted out.

I tried to express my thoughts without being judgmental and let her know to stop me if I was out of line and speaking out of turn. I told her that no matter what her decision is, I was only going to bring it up once and then support her.

She's since broken off the engagement and it opened the door for the rest of the family to surround her with love and support in this time. Better days are ahead for her.

[Angel!]

Aug 19, 2013 14:45:06 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Did you ever ask her?

My understanding of best friends has always been that they can talk about anything.  Not necessarily agree on things, but talk and ask questions.   Is that not the case with you?

Usually I don't give her much in the way of advice.  I'll ask her questions, but mostly just let her vent.  I learned a long time ago that she (like many women) usually doesn't want advice when complaining, she just wants to be heard. 

This is just one time where I wonder if I should say something more.  It seems like her long-term happiness is much more at stake than when she isn't happy with the car she bought or she doesn't like a coworker.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I'd be prepared for her to shoot the messenger.  If you're all right with that proceed. 

[kittensaver]

Normally, I'd say MYOB, but I agree that if she's your BFF and you're really concerned, find a way to "give her an opening" to talk a little deeper (instead of just complaining and acting unhappy). If she doesn't "bite," then go back to MYOB.

[Deleted]

Aug 19, 2013 14:14:02 GMT -5 @tbird said:

One frank talk, lay it out for her.  Then - if she goes through with it, what can you do?

Is he potentially gay?  This is the story Dear prudie gets, but 5-10-20 years later when the wife discovers an affair with a man.

Some men also have low sex drives.

I'd have the talk with her.

[Sum Dum Gai]

We had a friend like that.  We tried to talk to her, she wouldn't listen.  We hung out with them as a couple after they were married and had to bite our tongue, although my wife had a few somewhat frank conversations with her.  Once they got their inevitable divorce it's a lot easier to talk to her again, because you can talk about what a dick the guy was without offending her.

[whoisjohngalt]

Aug 19, 2013 14:53:06 GMT -5 Angel! said:

Aug 19, 2013 14:45:06 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Did you ever ask her?

My understanding of best friends has always been that they can talk about anything.  Not necessarily agree on things, but talk and ask questions.   Is that not the case with you?

Usually I don't give her much in the way of advice.  I'll ask her questions, but mostly just let her vent.  I learned a long time ago that she (like many women) usually doesn't want advice when complaining, she just wants to be heard. 

This is just one time where I wonder if I should say something more.  It seems like her long-term happiness is much more at stake than when she isn't happy with the car she bought or she doesn't like a coworker.

I totally get it.  I guess I would just simply ask - hey, are you happy?  Are you SURE you want to do this, bc I could be totally wrong, but you don't seem happy to me.  that's not really an advice, but may be will have her an opening or something

Then again, I am the last person you should be listening to.  I once "suggested to my friend that her girlfriend was a nut job, but r 13 yrs and 2 kids later they are still together.  And my friend has been unhappy about a lot of things, but...still together....  But we are not as good of friends anymore

[Deleted]

Aug 19, 2013 15:16:03 GMT -5 @bonnap said:

Some men also have low sex drives.

There is "low sex drive" and there is "worrying about having kids since we don't have sex".

I am thinking low sex drive being 1-2 times /month and the other one being going months on end not having sex.

Low sex drive some folks might live with/tolerate or excuse... The second one is grounds for a divorce or breakup.

Either way, be a man and pop a Viagra!

[Peace Of Mind]

No sex life?! Why would she marry into that? Yes, I would say something. I would say "No sex life?! Why the f would you marry into that?!".     I'd also let her know that divorce is painful and expensive. Much more painful than bailing out of a wedding that is a couple of months away and she should really, really rethink what she values in a marriage and what she is willing to live without. Or get having a boyfriend on the side added to her vows.

[Deleted]

I've read many times that couples have sex less often after they get married. If they aren't having sex very often now.... oh boy!

I'd probably say something if it was my BFF.  

[Miss Tequila]

You lost me at "no sex"....geez, they aren't even married, yet!  No way would I marry someone who didn't want sex...I don't care what SF, most women DO like and want sex!

[Deleted]

"I've read many times that couples have sex less often after they get married. If they aren't having sex very often now.... oh boy!"

Hah! When i complained to my ex about not having enough sex, his words were something along the lines of "we can't just be having non-stop sex like newly weds" but we weren't even freaking newly weds yet!!! WTF?

[Angel!]

Aug 19, 2013 16:01:36 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I've read many times that couples have sex less often after they get married. If they aren't having sex very often now.... oh boy!

That's what gets me.  It seems things shouldn't be this bad before marriage.  If she is unhappy now, then what does the future hold?  It also seems like things must be bad to keep mentioning it.  Maybe she wants validation that it is bad. 

FWIW, she said they average around once/month.  When they moved recently she lost her BC pills somehow, but she said it wasn't an issue because they didn't have sex for like 2 months after the move. 

I just worry that she will be miserable.

[Deleted]

Aug 19, 2013 17:25:49 GMT -5 Angel! said:

Aug 19, 2013 16:01:36 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I've read many times that couples have sex less often after they get married. If they aren't having sex very often now.... oh boy!

That's what gets me.  It seems things shouldn't be this bad before marriage.  If she is unhappy now, then what does the future hold?  It also seems like things must be bad to keep mentioning it.  Maybe she wants validation that it is bad. 

FWIW, she said they average around once/month.  When they moved recently she lost her BC pills somehow, but she said it wasn't an issue because they didn't have sex for like 2 months after the move. 

I just worry that she will be miserable.

I'd be miserable already if I was in a relationship and I wasn't having "relations"!

[Deleted]

Aug 19, 2013 17:25:49 GMT -5 Angel! said:

Aug 19, 2013 16:01:36 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I've read many times that couples have sex less often after they get married. If they aren't having sex very often now.... oh boy!

That's what gets me.  It seems things shouldn't be this bad before marriage.  If she is unhappy now, then what does the future hold?  It also seems like things must be bad to keep mentioning it.  Maybe she wants validation that it is bad. 

FWIW, she said they average around once/month.  When they moved recently she lost her BC pills somehow, but she said it wasn't an issue because they didn't have sex for like 2 months after the move. 

I just worry that she will be miserable.

Holy Fuck!!!

My wife would be bitting my head off and threaten divorce if we went that long without sex

[toomuchreality]

Ugh.

The situation you are in is not an easy one.

Admit your concerns, then keep your comments factual. Let her be the one to get emotional, or make accusations (he this, he that...). This way, it will be much easier for your relationship with her, to stay in tact, whichever way she chooses.

I too would say something.
As hard as it is, it's easier to get out now, than it will be later.

Only a good friend would bother telling her, and risking their comfort zone. If you didn't care, it would be much easier.

[Deleted]

Aug 19, 2013 17:31:37 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Aug 19, 2013 17:25:49 GMT -5 Angel! said:

That's what gets me.  It seems things shouldn't be this bad before marriage.  If she is unhappy now, then what does the future hold?  It also seems like things must be bad to keep mentioning it.  Maybe she wants validation that it is bad. 

FWIW, she said they average around once/month.  When they moved recently she lost her BC pills somehow, but she said it wasn't an issue because they didn't have sex for like 2 months after the move. 

I just worry that she will be miserable.

Holy Fuck!!!

My wife would be bitting my head off and threaten divorce if we went that long without sex

Holy Fuck is right!  No way, no how would I marry someone that didn't want to have sex.  I HAVE gone that long without sex because my husband was deployed, but when he is home, he had better be putting out!!! 

[Deleted]

But seriously,,, if she has so many concerns and worries right before the wedding I would try to talk to her.

Maybe make it a girlfriend night out and just let her air it out.

Sex to my wife makes her feel loved and wanted; that I find her attractive and desire. Us not having sex or the frequency decreasing drastically bring the opposite emotions and feelings.

So I can see how your friend might feel
Miserable when on TV they show you that you should be ripping each other clothes off at that stage. Does she really want to marry this guy?

If yes, get her a dildo as a gift for her bachelorette party because she will need it.

[thyme4change]

About 3 weeks ago I sat down with a friend and said "Does your boyfriend make you happy?"  I used the phrases "You don't seem happy when you talk about him."  "You don't smile when you are with him."  and most important "I just want you to be happy, and if he doesn't make you happy, I want you to think about that."  Granted, my friend is a very open person, who loves to introspect with girlfriends, so when I brought it up, she burst open like damn and we talked for hours.  But, I think it was good for her to hear that she was visibly unhappy.  

When I was getting married, my mother sat me down and said "This is a big deal - are you sure you want to do this?"  And then she explained that she knew someone who said "No one ever asked if I really wanted to get married to my ex, and if someone had, I may have thought about it a little more."  Later, my mother sat my husband down and asked him the same thing.

I can't imagine not saying something.  You just have to do it in a way that doesn't judge the relationship - just ask your friend to do a double check on herself.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Is there something physically wrong with him?  Low sex drive can be a symptom of many things.  If my DH went two months without wanting sex I'd be dragging him to his GP.

[formerroomate99]

The problem with getting married in this country is that people spend so much time preparing for the wedding that they don't have any time to prepare for the marriage. 

Angel, you're a good person.  You care about your friend.  I would just do what the others have stated, sit your friend down, tactfully ask questions, get her to think about the things that are important. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

The problem with getting married in this country is that people spend so much time preparing for the wedding that they don't have any time to prepare for the marriage.

No kidding.  When I told my SIL I didn't care all that much about the wedding her response was "You want to marry DH don't you?"

Uh. .. . well duh of course I do otherwise I wouldn't have accepted his proposal.  Shouldn't the fact I said yes make it obvious?
 
But apparently for some people how involved you are with the wedding directly correlates to how much you love your future spouse.

[Deleted]

I see commercials for it all the time - maybe he has "low T"..