Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Aug 20, 2013 10:06:45 GMT -5
Is there something physically wrong with him? Low sex drive can be a symptom of many things. If my DH went two months without wanting sex I'd be dragging him to his GP. I wonder that also. Nothing obvious, but maybe some hormonal or whatever thing. The guy is fairly fit, they go jogging, he plays sports. So it isn't as though he lacks energy. Although she says all he does at home is sleep. I have asked her if she has discussed this with him. I think she is scared to bring it up with him. I don't know if she tries to get things going and gets shot down or if she always just waits for him to make the first move and he never does. I will try to delicately work in some of the suggested phrases in our next conversation and just see how she reacts. Regardless if she wants out, I don't think she will leave, but at least maybe she will realize she will have support if she does. I think she is too worried about finding someone new and then letting down him, her family, his family, etc to call off the wedding. She is literally creating her dream wedding and spending A LOT to do it. As someone else said, I think the wedding has become more important than the marriage at this point.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 20, 2013 10:12:55 GMT -5
I have asked her if she has discussed this with him. I think she is scared to bring it up with him
WTH is she getting married if she can't talk to him about this? This is something you're SUPPOSED to be able to talk to your spouse about. .
I get it's an awkward conversation, but it's something you owe to your spouse. It's not fair to HIM for her to not make clear how big a deal this is.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Aug 20, 2013 10:30:43 GMT -5
This could be an awkward discussion. If there are no physical reasons, and he's not gay, he could simply be enjoying porn/taking care of himself too frequently. He could also have another relationship on the side.
In hindsight, I could figure out when my DH's addiction escalated. One the biggest markers was the drop in our sex life. We went from several times a week to once every three months or so over the course of a few years. I attributed the decline to other things, job stress, stress from having a kid, etc.
If porn or a side relationship is the reason, your friend isn't likely to get straight answers from the person she's going to marry. Cheaters/folks with "issues" are rarely honest when confronted. While my DH was actively using, he looked straight into my eyes and lied to me.
ETA: I didn't know about my husband's activities before we were married. He was really, really good at hiding them from me (and we didn't spend 24/7 together). I did know that something was a little "off" in that we had minimal non-sexual intimacy in our relationship. I thought that was OK, because that's the marriage model I saw growing up, and my parents had been married for over 30 years.
I wished I wouldn't have been so dismissive about knowing that something was "off." My life would have been a heck of a lot easier if I had listened to my gut. Don't get me wrong. I have an awesome life, a good marriage and beautiful kids. It's just that I had no idea that the terms of my marriage would be different from what I had expected.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 23, 2013 14:33:01 GMT -5
I agree that you should talk once. Be prepared though to be told to shut up. Maybe the friend knows there are issues -- she's willing to take them on, but that doesn't mean she has to sing praises about them. In the months leading up to our wedding, I also had a talk with DW. I asked her whether she wanted to marry me, and I specifically told her on two separate occasions, that if she wanted out; NOW was the time, no hard feelings.
She may be saying these things because she just wants sympathy, and wants to be told how wonderful she is for dealing with it. She may be giving you an opening to ask, because if you ask, then she isn't bad for bringing it up.
My DW was also less than thrilled about having a wedding. She was more excited about her wisdom teeth removal. Is it possible that this is playing into it too?
ETA: and is SHE the one begging for intimacy constantly and getting rejected? Or could she also be partially to blame for the lack of frequency?
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Aug 23, 2013 14:42:06 GMT -5
I make a habit of staying out of peoples' love lives, so I would NOT discuss it all with her. She already knows that there are problems. She's going ahead with the wedding anyway, so what can you say that will change her mind ? I'd just let the plans go on. If she wants sex, she should either drop him and find someone else, or she'll have to possibly spice it up in the bedroom. Maybe she should take a little advice from some of the women he's watching on the porntubes. It's not your business, at the end of the day.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 23, 2013 19:41:17 GMT -5
...:::"WTH is she getting married if she can't talk to him about this? This is something you're SUPPOSED to be able to talk to your spouse about.":::...
Maybe he knows darn well that he isn't living up to her expectations, but there is some deeper issue and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Maybe he is punishing her for something she is doing or isn't doing. Maybe he doesn't give a flip about sex. Maybe he has pain, but knows what a stigma it is for a man to not perform, and if she pressures him, it'll just make it worse.
Was it ALWAYS a problem? When they first got together, was it a whirlwind of morning noon and night? Does it come and go, or is it routinely once every 2 months? And when they DO have sex, does he start off reluctantly but get into it later? Or is he pretty procedural and clearly just going through the motions?
ETA: if she is lucky, she'll be able to have a calm productive discussion, and work with him to solve the problem. Or, it'll just become one of those sore subjects that causes a zero-200 fight in 0.3 seconds.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Aug 23, 2013 21:07:47 GMT -5
Did she say anything yet? How did it go? What?! She didn't take our advice? How rude!
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Sept 3, 2013 16:26:29 GMT -5
The opportunity finally arose and I did mention something. She was talking about how she had been mad at him for the last few weeks. For some reason he has been traveling a bunch for work and has been gone almost a month straight. He didn't call her several of the days and when he did he was always to tired to talk. When we were talking she was actually on her way to go to a movie with the guy she always thought she would marry, apparently she has been hanging out with him a lot.
So I said something along the lines of "you know if you aren't happy you don't have to marry him" and mentioned that she is always complaining when talking about her fiance.
She said she knows and she just likes to complain. But, when she really thinks about it, marrying him is the best option at this point (or something like that I don't remember exactly). I said ok and just told her if she wasn't happy I didn't want her to follow through just because there are all these plans in motion.
So, I find the whole situation extremely odd. He is out traveling and too busy/tired to talk while she is out spending a lot of time with her old BF. And I believe the fiance does not know this guy is an old BF. But, it is her life and if the wedding makes her happy, then I will support her. It just seems like a lot of really bad signs IMO.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 3, 2013 17:05:53 GMT -5
Absolutely. I don't think either of them really wants to marry the person they are engaged to. I know how a habit can become an engagement. Maybe the guy is sleeping/tired because he's depressed about marrying her?
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