Gifts for Son's Fiance and Her Family.

[mrsdutt]

I guess I've been rather sheltered in some areas of life.  So I turn to ya'll for some advice.

Our son was engaged in July, during my visit to my home town.  She is sweet and adores him.  A mother can't ask for more.  She has 2 children.

Do I now include her and the children on my Christmas list?  Do I wait until they're married next July?

Do they call me grandma or use my first name?  I'm not the warmest person on earth when it comes to people outside my circle of friends and family.  However being rude is not in me.  Even if someone is rude to me.  (I do stick up for myself though) How do I integrate them all into my life?  It's easy when a new one is born of blood.  I don't want to separate them in my heart, but -shamefully- I think I do.  How do I overcome this.

I'm not looking to be flamed, but if you must, then go ahead.  I am truly seeking an answer to this dilemma with my heart on my sleeve.

I wish DH was here.  He'd know just the right answer.  Dang idiot, going off and dying like that!

[Wisconsin Beth]

I would include them.  But I feel that inclusion is always better for everyone. 

I also think it's ok to have separate feelings - as long as you do not show or actually verbalize them to anyone in your real life.  My MIL actually called my DD her "real granddaughter" once or twice as her other granddaughter is adopted.  I was horrified and felt I had to let BIL's wife know, in case we needed to remind MIL that the kids were to be treated fairly.  (And fair isn't always equal.) 

[Chocolate Lover]

I would include them too. Whatever you would do for anyone else in that position in your family is what you do for them.  I wouldn't wait until they're married next year, I imagine he'll be bringing them along on Thanksgiving and Christmas and how awkward would that be if you have gifts for everyone BUT them?

My youngest is a step child who came into my family around age 2 and not one single person treats him differently. I give credit to all of them, but it is easier when they're younger. (the kids don't make distinctions like that at that age, makes it easier to practice and be good at it when they may notice).

As long as you don't show an active difference in attitude towards the "new" kids, all should be well. 

[973beachbum]

DH's dad got remarried after he had grown up and been long moved out.   So he doesn't think of her as his stepmother but simply, as his Dad's wife.  Our kids call her "Grandma First name".  My mom is called grandma and his is called Grammy and both of those names were chosen by them.  It seemed the best way to acknowledge her as a grandmother figure without completely confusing everyone as to what grandma the kids were talking about. 

I don't think you need to go overboard on gifts now but I would try and plan what to do for when they have kids together.  I don't think I would be comfortable giving Christmas gifts to the "bio grandkids' and not hers.  It is possible though that they already have two sets of grandparents who do lots of things with them and shower them with gifts that won't be shared with any future step brothers and sisters. 

So I guess this could end up being a work in progress.   Good luck and Congrats!!!

[busymom]

I would treat those children the same as you'd treat your own biological grandchildren.  And start up with the holidays this year.


I have never forgotten a woman I worked with years ago.  Her "grandma" gave her & her sister a cheap brush & comb set every Christmas, while showering lavish gifts on her biological grandkids.  Even as an adult, that still hurt! 

[perhaps]

I would view this from your son's perspective.  He has chosen to have this woman and her kids in his life.  He is going to be her husband and a "father" to her kids.  It would probably make him feel very good if you included them into your family.  A few small gifts will go a long way in this situation.  It might hurt your son if you excluded his new family. 

[whoami]

My kids called my husbands mother by her first name.  She never gave gifts to anyone so that wasn't an issue.

 When my kids spent Christmas with their father, my parents not only sent gifts for my kids but for their two step siblings who lived with ex.  Most of the stuff came to my house but they all had something to open from my parents on Christmas morning.  

I have two cousins who are not bio cousins.  They have never been considered anything but my cousins by all of us and by our family.  They were referred to the same by my aunts and uncles and grandparents as the rest of us.

[kittensaver]

Include the kids
Include the kids
Include the kids
Include the kids
Include the kids

Been there, done that, have both t-shirts.

You DON'T have to be all lovey-dovey maudlin over children you don't even know yet, but they ARE going to become your grandchildren. You have a HUGE heart to love people, Dutt - we've all seen it in your postings here. Don't be hesitant to open your heart to these children. They might just need you worse than you know! It is very possible to be warm, engaging and accepting without fawning all over them (until you know them better). No adult ever went to their grave thinking, "I wish there were fewer adults in my childhood who loved me and accepted me the way I was." 

[Phoenix84]

I know what you mean, getting "new relatives" all of the sudden can be awkward.  My sister got married almost two years ago and I still don't know how to handle my so called "brother in law."  Do I get him gifts or not?  What's the way to handle him at family get togethers?  It's a bit confusing.

Anyway, if in doubt, include the kids and get them gifts (assuming you can afford it).  Being inclusive is always better than not.  As for what they call you, have them call you whatever feels most comfortable for them.

[mrsdutt]

Aug 6, 2013 11:53:32 GMT -5 perhaps said:

I would view this from your son's perspective.  He has chosen to have this woman and her kids in his life.  He is going to be her husband and a "father" to her kids.  It would probably make him feel very good if you included them into your family.  A few small gifts will go a long way in this situation.  It might hurt your son if you excluded his new family. 

Oh thank you.  I didn't think of his point of view.

I don't want to hurt or damage anyone, especially a child.  I can hide feelings and pray to God I improve with the separation in my heart.  I don't want it to be there.  Do you think time and interaction with them could change things for me?  Now that this is on 'paper' I'm totally ashamed of myself.

[sheilaincali]

Include the kids in with the gift giving and holidays definitely.  Right away, don't wait until they are married. 

As for the kids calling your grandma- talk to your future DIL and ask her what she thinks.  Tell her that in your mind they will be grandkids of yours but that you don't want to step on anyone's toes.  She may have a suggestion. 

Growing up our grandparents were always "Grandma and Grandpa"  when we needed to tell the difference it was "Grandma last name" Now with our generation of kids the grandparents all have different names.  My son was born first so my parents got to pick and they wanted Nana and Papa- so as each new kid came along my parents were automatically called Nana and Papa and their other grandparents got different names.  My Inlaws are Oma and Opa. 

My sister's MIL and FIL (now deceased) had been divorced for years when DSIS and BIL got together.  MIL was dating a wonderful guy named Joe.  Joe wore a tux at my sister's wedding (and helped the FIL get into his tux and transported him to the ceremony and reception- he had severe MS).  Joe and FIL ended up great friends and Joe visited him in his hospice care nearly daily at the end.  Joe was at the hospital when my niece and nephew were born.  To ask him he is not their grandpa.  He felt that was disrespectful to their biological grandfather.  So FIL was "Grandpa" and Joe was "Joe Joe".   My niece and nephew are very close with him but they still call him "Joe Joe" or some other nickname (changes all the time).  But that's mostly Joe and it was his opinion that although he loves those kids like a grandpa he didn't want to disrespect his friend by having them call him grandpa.

I don't know the relationship that the kids have with their various grandparents.  Talk to your son's fiancé and ask her.  Best to clear the air now so there are no hurt feelings down the road.

[perhaps]

Don't be ashamed of yourself.  About 20 yrs ago my brother married a woman with 3 kids.  My parents did not care for her, did not think the relationship would last.  BUT they loved my brother more.  So they welcomed her and her kids into the family.  They treated her kids no different than their bilogical grand children.  A few years later and my parents were right.  She cheated on my brother, got into drugs and they ended up divorced.  It crushed him, he lost a wife and 3 kids he had considered his own.  He got thru it.....how?  He still had an amazing relationship with my parents and the rest of us. 

My parents like you....prayed for a lot of strength in this sutuation.  Just comtinue tolove your son and be there for him.  That is what matters. 

[sheilaincali]

mrsdutt- don't beat yourself up so much.  With the bio-grandkids you've known them since birth.  These are new kids that are coming into your life later than the others did.  There will be a learning curve, for the kids, your DIL and you.  Include them as you would the other kids.  In time your mind will stop identifying them as bio grandkids and other grandkids.

The mere fact that this is something that is on your mind and that you are concerned about speaks to what kind of person you are.  You are a kind and caring person and your DIL and new grandkids will be able to see that. 

[Deleted]

Don't feel bad for feeling differently about the new step grandkids. You don't even really know them. They don't know you either. If everyone is as great as you say that will come.

[Deleted]

Include the kids.

A while ago when my dad was in the hospital, my stepmom told me that she wanted me to reconcile with my biological brother. Because when my dad dies, I wouldn't have any family left. She has been my stepmom and her kids my brother and sister for almost 30 years. I can't tell you how hurt I was that she didn't apparently consider me family. My response to her at the time was that she wasn't getting rid of me that easily. But it stuck with me. Don't do that to kids.

[sheilaincali]

DH was adopted by one of his step fathers (Dad died at age 5, mom remarried when DH was 5 1/2 and divorced that step father when DH was 13). 
So for the first 5 years he had a very close extended family.  When his mom remarried she wouldn't let my DH see his paternal relatives at all and new stepfathers family because his family.  When they divorced that whole side dropped DH like a hot potato. 

So by the time he was 13 he had no extended family except a bitter grandma that he saw once a year (we've seen her 2 in 17 years of marriage) and an aunt that was frequently on the outs with her sister (DH's mom).  Screwed him up. 

My maternal grandma treats everyone the same.  Any grandkid's BF, GF, Spouse, etc gets included as a grandkid in her mind.  All the great grandkids are the same in her mind whether they are biological or otherwise.  Everyone calls her either grandma or great grandma.  DH says she is the only consistent grandma that he has ever had in his life.  It was huge for him the first Christmas we celebrated with my extended family and their was a gift under the tree for him same as for all the other grandkids.  He didn't know what to say he was so shocked and surprised. 

[Deleted]

Include kids and spouses. Use whatever name you want to be called when they have more kids. 

The relationships will be different. But for the most part it should be different to the degree that the kids choose. Just be open, friendly and responsive to what they want and need from a relationship with you. 

Dont worry about having to figure it out as you go... It's what we all do, blended families or not. 

[mrsdutt]

Aug 6, 2013 12:16:43 GMT -5 @monkeyunderpants said:

Include the kids.

A while ago when my dad was in the hospital, my stepmom told me that she wanted me to reconcile with my biological brother. Because when my dad dies, I wouldn't have any family left. She has been my stepmom and her kids my brother and sister for almost 30 years. I can't tell you how hurt I was that she didn't apparently consider me family. My response to her at the time was that she wasn't getting rid of me that easily. But it stuck with me. Don't do that to kids.

That is one of the cruelest things I've heard.  I'm sorry she's such an idiot.  You aren't though!!!!

[mrsdutt]

I'm overwhelmed with all of the support on this thread.  I owe you guys! 

I will include them this year at Christmas.  I will foster relationships with them, with them in the lead.  I will listen to them and hopefully laugh with them.  I will also ask their mom about what the kids would call me.  This is a good suggestion.  All of your posts have opened my heart.  I certainly would not want to be that grandmother who damages fragile souls.  THANK YOU!!!!

[sheilaincali]

Be sure to let your DIL know that the kids are welcome to call you "grandma" or whatever name it is that your other grandkids call you but that you don't want to push her into something she isn't comfortable with yet. 

This will help because that's how your son and DIL will refer to you when talking to the kids.  DS is 15 and we still tell him "we have dinner at Nana and Papa's tonight" or "Your Oma sent you a b-day card".  This will help the kids feel more comfortable with the situation if it's consistent all around. 

[Deleted]

Aug 6, 2013 11:57:44 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

I know what you mean, getting "new relatives" all of the sudden can be awkward.  My sister got married almost two years ago and I still don't know how to handle my so called "brother in law."  Do I get him gifts or not?  What's the way to handle him at family get togethers?  It's a bit confusing.

how is it confusing? He's your sister's husband - if you give her a Christmas gift, why would you not get him a gift... especially if they will both be present? I was getting the ILs gifts (and they were giving me gifts) before I even became family.

[swamp]

How,old are the kids?  I think you should ask them what they want to,call you. 

[greeniis10]

Aug 6, 2013 12:41:53 GMT -5 mrsdutt said:

Aug 6, 2013 12:16:43 GMT -5 @monkeyunderpants said:

Include the kids.

A while ago when my dad was in the hospital, my stepmom told me that she wanted me to reconcile with my biological brother. Because when my dad dies, I wouldn't have any family left. She has been my stepmom and her kids my brother and sister for almost 30 years. I can't tell you how hurt I was that she didn't apparently consider me family. My response to her at the time was that she wasn't getting rid of me that easily. But it stuck with me. Don't do that to kids.

That is one of the cruelest things I've heard.  I'm sorry she's such an idiot.  You aren't though!!!!

It does sound that way, however, I'm wondering if she just worded it badly and meant to imply "blood" relative/family?  Blood relations and lineage are important to some people.  I would tend to think perhaps she didn't meant to imply that you all aren't "family" but rather, when it comes to death people tend to think in terms of blood relations.  Just a thought.  I am sorry it was hurtful to you, though!

[Phoenix84]

Aug 6, 2013 12:01:38 GMT -5 mrsdutt said:

Aug 6, 2013 11:53:32 GMT -5 perhaps said:

I would view this from your son's perspective.  He has chosen to have this woman and her kids in his life.  He is going to be her husband and a "father" to her kids.  It would probably make him feel very good if you included them into your family.  A few small gifts will go a long way in this situation.  It might hurt your son if you excluded his new family. 

Oh thank you.  I didn't think of his point of view.

I don't want to hurt or damage anyone, especially a child.  I can hide feelings and pray to God I improve with the separation in my heart.  I don't want it to be there.  Do you think time and interaction with them could change things for me?  Now that this is on 'paper' I'm totally ashamed of myself.

I'm not sure what exactly you're going through, but it sounds like you're still grieving over your husband's death, which is perfectly understandable. 

The only thing I'd caution you against is having unreasonable expections of them "changing things for you."  It's never a good idea to start new relationships and expect the other people to "change things for you."  They won't stop the grief you feel, or whatever other feelings you may be feeling.  Just take it one step at a time and let things happen naturally.  The kids will likely be wary of you at first and that's okay.  Just don't expect or get disapointed when/if things don't "click" right away or having them in your life is not a life changing experience.  It wouldn't be fair to the kids to expect them to change your life.

[Deleted]

Aug 6, 2013 12:41:53 GMT -5 mrsdutt said:

Aug 6, 2013 12:16:43 GMT -5 @monkeyunderpants said:

Include the kids.

A while ago when my dad was in the hospital, my stepmom told me that she wanted me to reconcile with my biological brother. Because when my dad dies, I wouldn't have any family left. She has been my stepmom and her kids my brother and sister for almost 30 years. I can't tell you how hurt I was that she didn't apparently consider me family. My response to her at the time was that she wasn't getting rid of me that easily. But it stuck with me. Don't do that to kids.

That is one of the cruelest things I've heard.  I'm sorry she's such an idiot.  You aren't though!!!!

Thanks. Unfortunately, it is only one of the examples that I have of not being considered family. My SIL once told me that I wasn't REALLY family because I wasn't blood related. I've not been asked to be included in planning milestone birthday parties (to the point where I am across the country at the time of them and cannot even attend), asked to take photos but not be in them, etc. people often say things without thinking and I'm living proof that those kids would remember it. I can't tell you when they've said wonderful things that made me feel included, but I can sure remember all the times they made me feel left out.

[zibazinski]

DFs grandkids call me by my first name. Although its awkward for me to have children call me by my first name, no one could think of anything else and trust me, their BIO grandma would have a kitten if she even knew they knew me, let alone spent time with me. So it could be worse. She's the problem though, not anyone else.

[greeniis10]

On topic, I would definitely say don't be so hard on yourself and just give it time!  Get to know them, include them as you do your other grandchildren and see what THEY are comfortable with. 

Sometimes people push names and labels on relationships too soon and it causes forced relations and uneasiness (not saying you are doing that).  Embrace them as your family (since they are/will be) and let things happen naturally. 

[Phoenix84]

Aug 6, 2013 12:59:28 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

Aug 6, 2013 11:57:44 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

I know what you mean, getting "new relatives" all of the sudden can be awkward.  My sister got married almost two years ago and I still don't know how to handle my so called "brother in law."  Do I get him gifts or not?  What's the way to handle him at family get togethers?  It's a bit confusing.

how is it confusing? He's your sister's husband - if you give her a Christmas gift, why would you not get him a gift... especially if they will both be present? I was getting the ILs gifts (and they were giving me gifts) before I even became family.

That's usually what I do, just feels awkward though.  But part of that is because I left the state pretty soon after I graduated college, which was before the time my sister even met the guy.  So even after dating for two years and being married for two years, I've still probably only seen the guy less than a dozen times.  I only go visit my folks 1-2x per year, and my sister and her husband aren't there all the time.  He seems nice enough and we're cordial and polite.  But I don't think I have a "relationship" with him.

So basically I barely even know the guy.  I sent him a birthday card and sent my parents money to help pay for his gifts, and I give him Christmas gifts. 

[sarcasticgirl]

Aug 6, 2013 11:57:44 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

I know what you mean, getting "new relatives" all of the sudden can be awkward.  My sister got married almost two years ago and I still don't know how to handle my so called "brother in law."  Do I get him gifts or not?  What's the way to handle him at family get togethers?  It's a bit confusing.

why is he your "so called 'brother in law"? and what do you mean by you "don't know how to handle" him? Are you asking how to act around him at get togethers? I'm so thoroughly confused be this. 


OP- i agree- include them for sure. i wouldn't push being called "grandma" but let your son know you are open for it and they can decide. sorry for the loss of your husband.

[sarcasticgirl]

Aug 6, 2013 13:05:57 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

Aug 6, 2013 12:59:28 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

how is it confusing? He's your sister's husband - if you give her a Christmas gift, why would you not get him a gift... especially if they will both be present? I was getting the ILs gifts (and they were giving me gifts) before I even became family.

That's usually what I do, just feels awkward though.  But part of that is because I left the state pretty soon after I graduated college, which was before the time my sister even met the guy.  So even after dating for two years and being married for two years, I've still probably only seen the guy less than a dozen times.  I only go visit my folks 1-2x per year, and my sister and her husband aren't there all the time.  He seems nice enough and we're cordial and polite.  But I don't think I have a "relationship" with him.

So basically I barely even know the guy.  I sent him a birthday card and sent my parents money to help pay for his gifts, and I give him Christmas gifts. 

I live 1100 miles away from my family. I met my DH here and he has only been to visit my family maybe 6 times, if that. You don't have to cultivate a meaningful relationship with him, but just treat him like everyone else. That's what my sister's did to my husband. He's family now and he gets treated as so.  They don't have any special relationship with him, but keep in contact with him occasionally via FB and my BIL will text him regarding sports every now and then but otherwise everyone just acts normal around him.