Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Aug 6, 2013 13:21:41 GMT -5
Absolutely include them. Your life will be richer for it.
When I married DH, I had 2 children. During our marriage I/we became grandparents. One of the qualities I loved about my late MIL was her attitude towards my grandchildren - she had no grandchildren of her own and pretty much adopted mine. It was a win-win all the way round because my own mother lived too far away for the kids to know their biological great grandmother.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2013 13:21:49 GMT -5
(I'd "yeahthat" yours too, gg! )
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Aug 6, 2013 13:26:48 GMT -5
How,old are the kids? I think you should ask them what they want to,call you. My parents are called by the same name by all 3 of my kids. I'm the only one with a different name and mostly because any short version he could say at 2 and barely talking sounded like daddy (my 1st initial is D). And just D was his stepfather. there was no good nickname to him so he calls me Gigi. Now and then. More often he calls me mom. You can tell when he's visited his mom/her mother. He corrects himself about what he calls me more often. lol But asking them or their mother sounds like the best idea. That way no other grandparent's special nickname is stepped on.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Aug 6, 2013 13:41:38 GMT -5
I guess I've been rather sheltered in some areas of life. So I turn to ya'll for some advice. Our son was engaged in July, during my visit to my home town. She is sweet and adores him. A mother can't ask for more. She has 2 children. Do I now include her and the children on my Christmas list? Do I wait until they're married next July? Do they call me grandma or use my first name? I'm not the warmest person on earth when it comes to people outside my circle of friends and family. However being rude is not in me. Even if someone is rude to me. (I do stick up for myself though) How do I integrate them all into my life? It's easy when a new one is born of blood. I don't want to separate them in my heart, but -shamefully- I think I do. How do I overcome this. I'm not looking to be flamed, but if you must, then go ahead. I am truly seeking an answer to this dilemma with my heart on my sleeve. I wish DH was here. He'd know just the right answer. Dang idiot, going off and dying like that!LOL! I made my DH PROMISE me he will outlive me. He's younger and I make him eat good when he's here but when he's out working all bets are off. I will be so mad at him if he dies before me! To answer your questions I would err on the safe side and either get a gift that will be all inclusive to the family or get separate ones. I would also ask your son's fiancé what she would like her kids to call you. Let them know what you would be ok with to open the door that you are accepting them as your own family and then let her take it from there. Congratulations that he found such a great lady and I'm happy for you that you really like her. The rest will probably come easy for you now with this new addition to your family.
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mrsdutt
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Post by mrsdutt on Aug 6, 2013 13:56:52 GMT -5
I made the first move. I contacted future DIL on FB. She asked what I wanted. I told her I would want the kiddos to be comfortable as well as her mother, but I wouldn't want my first name used. They will talk to the kids this week.
She was very thankful. So I'm guessing the topic has come up with them.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 6, 2013 14:15:23 GMT -5
It probably has. Or she's thought about it but didn't know how to bring it up with your or maybe your son.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Aug 6, 2013 14:15:35 GMT -5
I made the first move. I contacted future DIL on FB. She asked what I wanted. I told her I would want the kiddos to be comfortable as well as her mother, but I wouldn't want my first name used. They will talk to the kids this week. She was very thankful. So I'm guessing the topic has come up with them. I predict they are going to be very glad to have you in their lives!
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 6, 2013 14:17:23 GMT -5
I made the first move. I contacted future DIL on FB. She asked what I wanted. I told her I would want the kiddos to be comfortable as well as her mother, but I wouldn't want my first name used. They will talk to the kids this week. She was very thankful. So I'm guessing the topic has come up with them. Also, by starting this, you're opening the door for her to be comfortable starting/having discussion on the hard/weird topics with her. It's a good sign for all of you.
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mrsdutt
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Post by mrsdutt on Aug 6, 2013 14:17:33 GMT -5
I made the first move. I contacted future DIL on FB. She asked what I wanted. I told her I would want the kiddos to be comfortable as well as her mother, but I wouldn't want my first name used. They will talk to the kids this week. She was very thankful. So I'm guessing the topic has come up with them. I predict they are going to be very glad to have you in their lives!
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Aug 6, 2013 14:58:00 GMT -5
What Beth said. You are being open and asking her advice, proving that you want to include her and the kids into your family. Getting off on the right foot most definitely.
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on Aug 6, 2013 16:33:10 GMT -5
You may want to suggest that the kids use a different name for you than their other grandmother(s). We called one grandmother, "Nana".
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Aug 6, 2013 17:01:10 GMT -5
Please don't have a noticeable-by-them difference of treatment by them. It happens to my children by their biological father's family since we got divorced (yes, you read that correctly). They treat his stepdaughter better than his own kids. Regardless of the relationship between the adults, treat all the kids with the same affection. Do you have other grandchildren?
Blending families is difficult. I would also suggest that you not make demands on particulAr holidays and such. Your FUture DIL may have a parenting agreement that prevents her from having her kids on rotating holidays. She cannot change that to please you.
Your heart is in the right place, or you wouldn't have thought to ask about it.
Congrats on the engagement, Mrs, Dutt!
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Aug 6, 2013 17:35:52 GMT -5
Remember on the old MSN board, we had the Worst Christmas Present thread. People posted about being married and their new spouses family didn't buy the stepkids anything and they had to sit there and watch all of the other 'grandkids' open gifts. It was hurtful years later. Don't let this be you.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Aug 6, 2013 17:50:05 GMT -5
I would definately buy for them. But I buy for any kid that is going to be present at our gathering, related or not- if presents are being exchanged. I think it sucks to be a kid and have to watch people open gifts at christmas. So yes, I buy for my DH's cousin's girlfriends kids (8-11). Nothing big, but something.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Aug 6, 2013 18:24:35 GMT -5
Include everyone you can, you never have too many people in a family.
My brother married women with children first one had two and he adopted them later. Current wife had one we met when he was 14 last year. He had a bunch of bio kids too and one we don't know if he was the father or not. Not only are all the kids his kids but his new kid's best friend my mom considered her grandson. She met new grandson and his best friend at the same time and expected both to call her grandma and would ask how her two grandson's were. The boys loved having a new grandma. New grandson came when mom was dying as well as the earlier grandchildren that had been adopted. Two of the great grands had been adopted too and one foster will be adopted next Saturday. Why wouldn't mom have wanted all the grands and great grands she could get? The one we aren't sure is my brother's is a favorite and her new step kids are also family even if I don't really like them. They are brats but still family.
Mom's sister only considers bio kids as grand kids so her son raised two boys from toddler to adult and they call her grandma but she doesn't know why when she isn't.
Let them call you grandma or something and treat them equal to any other family kids.
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mrsdutt
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Post by mrsdutt on Aug 6, 2013 18:40:29 GMT -5
Thank you for all of the responses. I'll try to answer some of your questions.
There is a 14 yo boy and a 7 yo girl.
Previous husband passed with cancer at an early age.
I asked them to come for Christmas, then told them if it was a financial burden, then I'd be happier if they took care of their own and not worry about me. I meant this. Our son knows me well so he took this in the manner in which it was offered.
I have 7 other grands! One of them calls me La La. I use to sing to him when he was a baby over the phone every night. When he met me he listened to my voice and a light bulb went on. He (so excitedly) said LA LA!!! It would be OK if the others called me that too.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Aug 6, 2013 18:43:34 GMT -5
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 6, 2013 19:42:42 GMT -5
There is a fine line that parents / grandparents have to walk with all their children - and that is the difference between reaching out and being demanding. Not enough reaching out and the relationship might get holes in it. Too much and you are a PIA. You are going to get to learn that line with your new DIL and her kids. This would be true even if she didn't have kids. But, I have faith that you will get there. It sounds like you have a great start. Just keep the lines of communication open. When you get a chance to sit and chat with her, ask her about their father's extended family, and how much contact they have. I know there will be room in your heart for them, and room in their heart for you (well maybe not the 14 YO boy. I hear they don't like any adults.)
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Aug 6, 2013 19:50:26 GMT -5
Also, cute story about LA LA!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 6, 2013 20:38:25 GMT -5
Good, can someone come up wi a name for me so these kids stop calling me by my first name?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2013 21:00:03 GMT -5
Mam?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 7, 2013 2:39:00 GMT -5
I could live with that. JK. But I was raised that children don't call adults by their first names so I'm REALLY uncomfortable with it. I'm NOT their grandmother, DF isn't really their grandfather either strictly speaking but he wants to be called grandfather and there isn't another one so that's cool for all concerned. But I hate being called by my first name and I'm sure no one knows exactly what to call me by.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 7, 2013 6:48:44 GMT -5
I could live with that. JK. But I was raised that children don't call adults by their first names so I'm REALLY uncomfortable with it. I'm NOT their grandmother, DF isn't really their grandfather either strictly speaking but he wants to be called grandfather and there isn't another one so that's cool for all concerned. But I hate being called by my first name and I'm sure no one knows exactly what to call me by. I think you should take the nickname that CL brought up that happens to be my daughter's nickname, Gigi.
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mrsdutt
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Post by mrsdutt on Aug 7, 2013 7:25:46 GMT -5
In the south the word 'Miss' is put before a first name to show respect. Children can call an adult by this salutation with the adult's permission. So you would be Miss Zib.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Aug 7, 2013 7:28:47 GMT -5
Zibby-Loo.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 7, 2013 8:12:52 GMT -5
Zibby-Lou! Now THAT sounds southern!
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 7, 2013 9:00:52 GMT -5
I was thinking you could be Z.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Aug 7, 2013 9:39:44 GMT -5
Z-gram
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Aug 7, 2013 11:36:01 GMT -5
You may want to suggest that the kids use a different name for you than their other grandmother(s). We called one grandmother, "Nana". My sister has 7 grandchildren (not her hers biologically, but she loves them like her own). Because they do have a biological grandmother (who would take offense if they called sis "grandma", sis headed off the issue by naming herself, "Nana". Easy for the kids and no emotional issues for the adults. Win:win Friends of ours have a single grandkid. Said grandkid's other grandmother also has no other grandkid. Friend's wife named herself "Gigi" to kid. Husband is "grandpa" because the other grandfather is dead. Makes it simple and easy for the kid.
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