HIPAA and Dealing with an Aging Parent

[973beachbum]

Aug 6, 2013 7:05:45 GMT -5 @monkeyunderpants said:

Bonny....no, they don't want to leave it to DH because apparently we don't need it. Is the splitting proceeds across the siblings something that is required? Or could the other siblings just agree to give it all to one of them? Or would that then be considered a gift for tax purposes.

I guess I'm wondering if all the siblings know that's what they want, if they can just handle it that way or if it has negative tax implications by doing that. If it doesn't, then I guess it's not a big deal.

Of course, I disagree with leaving everything to one person, but that's just my own personal opinion and, since its their stuff, I keep my mouth shut.

Monkey in NJ if someone dies without a will, and no surviving spouse, the estate is divided equally among their children.  I have heard of some pretty weird things about intestate splitting up estates in really weird, to me, ways.  I think if the person dies leaving a spouse, but no children, part of the estate automatically goes to the person who died's parents. 

I think the point is that if someone doesn't want things divided the way the state would automatically do it, then they need to write a will.

[Deleted]

Aug 6, 2013 7:05:45 GMT -5 @monkeyunderpants said:

Bonny....no, they don't want to leave it to DH because apparently we don't need it. Is the splitting proceeds across the siblings something that is required? Or could the other siblings just agree to give it all to one of them? Or would that then be considered a gift for tax purposes.

I guess I'm wondering if all the siblings know that's what they want, if they can just handle it that way or if it has negative tax implications by doing that. If it doesn't, then I guess it's not a big deal.

Of course, I disagree with leaving everything to one person, but that's just my own personal opinion and, since its their stuff, I keep my mouth shut.

Monkey,

Your DH's family will want the professional services of an estate attorney to get through the probate process anyway. You will need to get his/her opinion but I have the feeling that if the asset remains in the estate's name and with all of the sibling's agreement could pass directly to the heir without tax consequences to the other siblings.

I would think the hardest part is getting all the siblings agree.

[skubikky]

It sounds like your MIL is at the point where she needs assistance with everything.
Who goes to her Dr. appts.?   Do they convey the information back to your DH?
She can't remember a conversation but is able to do a refi?


My Dad is almost 90.  We also live far away so we've hired someone who is actually a family friend to assist him with scheduling and going to Dr.'s appointments.
She gives us a full report via e-mail.   He was unable to remember all the details of each appt.
She also sets up his medications each week.
She stops over every day or so to check on him.  Often they have dinner together.
We filled out the HIPAA forms at each Dr. so as to be able to call up and get information.

[Deleted]

Update

We moved to a new level today.

This morning we got a call at 7:15 am from MIL stating that her caregiver has given notice. His former employer contacted him yesterday and said they would like him to work at another one of their facilities. He was laid off about two months ago when they closed the facility that he was working for. MIL was almost hysterical.

MIL has been very fortunate up until this point. The soon to be former caregiver was the son of one her friends. The young woman before him was his sister. She worked for MIL for about 2.5 years until MIL fired her after a screaming match.

The friend has been coming in on Sundays for the last two months but told us today that it's not sustainable. She already works six days a week and after expressing gratitude for everything she's done, I gently teased her that I understand she has a life! She has volunteered to fill in and check in on her when we need it.

So now we are moving into a new phase where MIL needs around the clock care. DH has spent most of the morning speaking with the cognitive (actually occupational) therapist, her caregivers and researching a list of recommended caregivers the occupational therapist has recommended. He's flying up Sunday and will spend the week vetting them. I don't know how well this is going to go. Two and a half years ago we tried bringing in a service and MIL couldn't deal with changing personal. She said she would train one with what she wanted, they would show up for a couple of days and then somebody new would show up and she'd have to train them all over again. DH and I figure that with around the clock home care she's going to have between 4-6 caregivers each week.

I told DH I think we also better start looking into assisted living arrangements in this area too. I didn't say it but I think he knows that having the around the clock care at her home is probably not going to work out. One of the biggest obstacles is her three corgis. We've agreed that we would take them but its going to be very disruptive to our lives. And unfortunately I think one of them is going to need to be put down sooner than later. She pees all over my MIL's house and is on codine 24/7. I really don't want to put her down but I think we will need to very soon.

Thanks to everyone for their support. Individual responses to follow.

ETA: I've got a call into her attorney about the POA. DH can take her to his office when he's there next week.

[Deleted]

skubikky said:

It sounds like your MIL is at the point where she needs assistance with everything.
Who goes to her Dr. appts.? Do they convey the information back to your DH?
She can't remember a conversation but is able to do a refi?

Caregiver had been taking her to her Dr. appts. MIL had been communicating with DH. He's been calling her every Sunday for at least the last four years. He calls her more frequently depending on what's been going on. We've realized that over the last couple of months she hasn't been conveying all of the information. She's mixing up stuff or forgets. Just so you know, MIL has a PhD in endocrinology so she's been no slacker on the medical side of stuff until recently.

The refi was done at my urging and was a HARP refi with the existing lender. Minimum paperwork from her but still took nearly six months. She started in January, completed in June.

[skubikky]

Aug 6, 2013 15:48:47 GMT -5 @bonnap said:

skubikky said:

It sounds like your MIL is at the point where she needs assistance with everything.
Who goes to her Dr. appts.? Do they convey the information back to your DH?
She can't remember a conversation but is able to do a refi?

Caregiver had been taking her to her Dr. appts. MIL had been communicating with DH. He's been calling her every Sunday for at least the last four years. He calls her more frequently depending on what's been going on. We've realized that over the last couple of months she hasn't been conveying all of the information. She's mixing up stuff or forgets. Just so you know, MIL has a PhD in endocrinology so she's been no slacker on the medical side of stuff until recently.

The refi was done at my urging and was a HARP refi with the existing lender. Minimum paperwork from her but still took nearly six months. She started in January, completed in June.

It would probably be good to have her evaluated by a neurologist.  She's probably demonstrating some level of dementia.  Yes, as we age, almost all of us have some portion of it.  I had this explained to me by the geriatric care manager that did an evaluation for my father.   There are medications that can aid in slowing down that process and help with short term memory.  We've seen a big improvement with my Dad after he began ARICEPT (donepezil hydrochloride).

Getting someone like a geriatric care manager(usually a social worker) to come in will allow an evaluation of the current living situation and the needs of the individual and identify resources.  More importantly, they help the family put together a plan.   At some point, a caregiver might not be enough and assisted living with added care features might be required.    If that becomes insufficient, then a nursing home is necessary.   It's not easy to make those transitions unless you've gone and visited them and seen which are good and which are not.  And, actually put in an application in case there's a wait. 

It would be ill advised to attempt to do this when the need is immediate.  That would be much more difficult for your MIL and your husband.  I just completed this in June for my father and feel great that we now have a plan in place. 

[Deleted]

It would probably be good to have her evaluated by a neurologist. She's probably demonstrating some level of dementia. Yes, as we age, almost all of us have some portion of it. I had this explained to me by the geriatric care manager that did an evaluation for my father. There are medications that can aid in slowing down that process and help with short term memory. We've seen a big improvement with my Dad after he began ARICEPT (donepezil hydrochloride).

Getting someone like a geriatric care manager(usually a social worker) to come in will allow an evaluation of the current living situation and the needs of the individual and identify resources. More importantly, they help the family put together a plan. At some point, a caregiver might not be enough and assisted living with added care features might be required. If that becomes insufficient, then a nursing home is necessary. It's not easy to make those transitions unless you've gone and visited them and seen which are good and which are not. And, actually put in an application in case there's a wait.

It would be ill advised to attempt to do this when the need is immediate. That would be much more difficult for your MIL and your husband. I just completed this in June for my father and feel great that we now have a plan in place.

skubikky,

All excellent points. I'm going to print out your post and discuss with DH.

I actually think she is on some kind of medication for dementia already. But the way it was explained to us was that she had some long lasting reaction to one of her many surgeries.  She may have been in denial and actually lied to us. Your post reminds me that among DH's chores is to investigate all of her meds and understand why she's on them.

I'll clarify with DH but the occupational therapist seems to have taken on the role of the geriatric care manager. I don't know if she's made a home visit though or just visited MIL at an office. Having a plan in place would give both DH and me peace of mind.

While I'm empathetic with her situation, I'm really worried. I'm afraid that she's moved past the point where she can safely stay at home much longer. The problem is that she's smart and very, very willful. I'm afraid it's going to take a major crisis to get her out of her house. She may not survive that crisis.

[happyscooter]

Anybody read Dear Abby today?

[happyscooter]

DEAR ABBY: My best friend's mother has dementia. It is usually worse in the evenings, but she can function during the day -- somewhat. My friend and her husband both work, leaving the mother alone at home during the day with the door locked from the outside so she can't wander off.
I have told my friend many times how dangerous this is, but she continues to do it. It makes me sick worrying about her mother, but I don't know what to do about it. -- FRIEND IN FLORIDA

DEAR FRIEND: Your friend and her husband may have the best of intentions, but locking a demented person inside the house is not the answer to their problem. If a fire were to start, she might not be "with it" enough to know how to put it out or summon help. She could also fall and injure herself.

A better solution would be to find a day-care program where the mother would have company, be entertained and safely looked after. Please suggest it to them. However, if they are not receptive, Adult Protective Services should be notified because the woman's life could depend on it.

[Deleted]

And your point is what, happyscooter?

We're not locking my MIL in her house.

[whoami]

Aug 7, 2013 7:03:05 GMT -5 skubikky said:

It would be ill advised to attempt to do this when the need is immediate.  That would be much more difficult for your MIL and your husband.  I just completed this in June for my father and feel great that we now have a plan in place. 

YES YES!!!  I was after DH for the last 6 months to address MILs upcoming medical needs and situation and neither one would deal with it.  DH mentioned it a few times but she blew it off and/or flat out refused to talk to him about it so he dropped it.  I told him if it were my parent, I would have had the hospice/health care people showing up at the door every single day....they might be turned away every single day but they would show up.  When MIL finally decided it was time to contact hospice, it really was too late for them to get a handle on her pain/situation.  The whole thing could have gone so much smoother and would have been much easier on everyone if people would have just had a #$(&%%#@@$ plan in place.  

[Gardening Grandma]

Bonny,
This is a very timely thread and I'm so glad you posted it. thank goodness your MIL has financial resources, but what a huge hassle for you to be trying to cope with all this long distance....

[Deleted]

Denial on both parts is pretty common.

When my mother got diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer which had metastized through several organs she thought she could get better through "alternative" medicine. She and her boyfriend (a retired physician) had a real problem believing that it was really "it". I was the negative Nellie.

I spent about 3 weeks driving her all over San Diego and even up to LA chasing these alternative caregivers before she realized that she couldn't even handle the treatments.

It wasn't until she met a female physician who was as short as she was and only about 10 years younger who looked her straight in the eyes and said I'm horrified you aren't in hospice. We barely got her signed up when she died. I mean the case worker and the nurse stopped by for the initial visit and my mother slipped into her death coma in the morning and died the next afternoon. I don't think I would have known how to deal with her body if they hadn't helped me. 

[Deleted]

Aug 7, 2013 11:40:06 GMT -5 Gardening Grandma said:

Bonny,
This is a very timely thread and I'm so glad you posted it. thank goodness your MIL has financial resources, but what a huge hassle for you to be trying to cope with all this long distance....

Thanks GG, I figured that many of us have or will be going through it at some point. And I hope my experience is helpful to others. I know I sure appreciate the helpful advice and suggestions that folks have posted.

Yes, it's huge hassle but as I told DH it definitely could be worse. I can't imagine trying to deal with it if we were both employed or we were still living in Germany.

And thank God we have resources too.

[greeniis10]

Aug 7, 2013 10:46:13 GMT -5 @bonnap said:

And your point is what, happyscooter?

We're not locking my MIL in her house.

I don't think happyscooter was implying anything about YOU - just that it was relevant to your topic.  The article is clearly showing an example of denial and neglect, neither of which you are displaying.  I suppose I should just let happyscooter respond, if they wish...

[skubikky]

Regarding the resistance of the Mom or Dad.  This is a major issue and one that is going to cause a big challenge.

My brother and I are fond of the "plant the seed approach".  Granted, this takes time and forethought, but I'm just going to add it to the discussion.
In particular, with regard to having to move from home to a facility.  

We started talking(a few months ago) about what we called a phased approach and talked about what would happen when Dad could no longer live in the condo on his own.   I made the appt with the geriatric care manager and talked to Dad about it on a number of occasions so that he'd be thinking about it for awhile before she came for the visit.   He really liked the idea of having us all put a plan together so that he would know what to expect.   And this way, while he's doing ok,  he has a lot of input into the process instead of having it thrust on him.

After her visit, one of the first things we were tasked with was identifying an assisted living facility that Dad liked and would strongly consider for his Phase II(Phase IA is what he's currently doing which is living at home and getting low-level assistance,  Phase 1B is a high level of assistance in the home before going to assisted living). 
We already were familiar with a few assisted livings places near to where he lives now and asked if he'd go to take a look at them.    Dad went with us to see 2 places(you can't drag him to more than a few places as it would have been too tiring and he would have just shut down).  We knew ahead of time that the 2nd place was one that he'd probably like.....fortunately he did....it is very high caliber and very expensive but a great choice.   It quickly was put at the top of the list.   We stayed the whole afternoon, had lunch, took a detailed tour and he got to chat with some of the people who live there.   Weird thing happened....this place is in Alpharetta, Ga.  We walk into the common living area and see this elderly gentleman.  Dad, being very outgoing, goes and sits with him and starts to chat.   Turns out that this man, who  was 8 years older than Dad,  attended the same high school in the Bronx!    Needless to say, Dad took that as a sign. 

We are in the process of filling out the paper work so that it's in place when/if he ends up going there. 

I could go on and on here but as I just did this in June, it's fresh in my mind. 

The  more we talk about things with Dad, the more he gets familiar with the plan and therefore more accepting.  No one likes change, least of all when you're elderly and take comfort from familiar surroundings.

[skubikky]

I know that my situation is a bit different from your husbands in that my brother lives an hour from Dad. My brother is what we call the point man. He sees Dad the most and is the one who is most familiar with his day-to-day needs, issues and quirks. When he calls me and says we need to do A or B, I get on it from my end. The point man is my eyes and ears with regard to Dad. I take care of all the administrative things and he takes care of everything else on an as needed basis. Now we have the care giver in place, he doesn't have to do the Dr. appts and a lot of other errands that were starting to take up a lot of his time that needed to spent working and dealing with his own responsibilities.

[Deleted]

skubikky,

I really, really appreciate your helpful posts. You're right that your situation is different than ours but I still find them helpful.

I've confirmed with DH that the occupational therapist has seen MIL twice at her home. And she's provided DH with several caregiver referrals. He's in the process of setting up interviews for Monday.

Your approach with your father and "planting the seed" is an approach that would work on my father too. I'm less optimistic with MIL. One of the reasons MIL got LTC insurance is so she isn't "placed in a home". In theory a round the clock home caregiving service should work but on a practical level I'm not so sure. I think one of the issues is that while many of these folks mean well and are nice people, because they don't get paid very well they aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. MIL has made her life complicated with the big house, the three dogs and a high care garden. No one can meet her high standards for care which causes her to get frustrated and become verbally abusive.

On some level I think she knows that it unsustainable to remain in her house. But if getting stuck in her pond for an hour plus didn't scare the bejeezes out of her enough to make a change I don't know what will. I guess it did get her to rehire another caregiver whereas when she fired the prior one she thought she was "taking over the house". I guess I'm afraid that it's going to take a serious injury, like breaking hip or a head injury before she acknowledges that she can't live there any more.

[skubikky]

Aug 7, 2013 15:24:06 GMT -5 @bonnap said:

skubikky,

On some level I think she knows that it unsustainable to remain in her house. But if getting stuck in her pond for an hour plus didn't scare the bejeezes out of her enough to make a change I don't know what will. I guess it did get her to rehire another caregiver whereas when she fired the prior one she thought she was "taking over the house". I guess I'm afraid that it's going to take a serious injury, like breaking hip or a head injury before she acknowledges that she can't live there any more.

We as children don't want to see something awful happen to our parents because of their stubbornness or fear of putting in place a reasonable care arrangement.  But, sometimes, one of two things has to happen:
1.  You let the situation evolve until something occurs that requires a stay in the hospital and then rehab and then a facility or  2. Mom's living situation degrades to the point where she makes the decision....or worse your DH has to make it for her.

It's unrealistic to think that a caregiver from an agency is going to provide care in a way that meets every expectation.   And even with 24 hour a day coverage...if it came to that...there would still be limitations as to what can be done in the home.    I suspect that your MIL is a very strong and independent personality and is just not willing to concede yet.     At least if the conversation is started regarding assisted living she might start coming around.    The shame of it is,  her quality of life would probably be much better in a high quality assisted living facility than it is now at home which is probably not well set up for an elderly person.  In addition, the social contact can have a great positive effect.   My Dad goes to a senior center in Sandy Springs for lunch and schmoozing almost every day.   That social contact keeps him going.   Depression is very common in the elderly and much more so if they're isolated.

[happyscooter]

Bonny, I didn't mean to imply that you would do what the Dear Abby writer did.  Only that there are so many people in the same situation.  Parents who need help, children who need help, jobs that people need to report to, spouses being neglected.  Things have got to give in some areas. 

Sorry to appear heartless.

[Deleted]

Thanks for the explanation and apology happyscooter. As you can tell it's a sensitive subject and we're trying to do the best we can.

[Deleted]

skubikky,

Another spot on post. I think in the last six months she's had four trips to the hospital and a week in the hospital/rehab. By rehab I mean a short term assisted care facility after one of her falls. She was so mad at them that she said she was going to report them to the State. DH was there during part of it and agreed. Beautiful looking facility but the staff wasn't well trained. There were issues like her having to wait over an hour to go to the bathroom, meds not given on time et cetera. That experience just reinforces her decision not to go into a facility.

I agree that life in a good facility could be a lot easier and safer for her. As I mentioned in an earlier post, while she bought the house as a retirement house, it's not age friendly. Because of the three dogs (who are sweet but don't understand) she has throw rugs all over the house and multiple dog beds. Therefore trying to navigate the house is a tripping minefield even for someone without a walker or cane.

And as I've already mentioned, the garden is very high maintenance and has a lot hard surfaces and water features. Although she has a gardener there's always something else that needs to be done. There's a lot of hand watering, dead heading et cetera. In the winter the slate flooring freezes and the ice is very slippery. Of course the dogs poop in her garden and nobody can find it all which sends her over the edge. Because you know how Corgis recycle.  I fear that her dream home has become her prison.

MIL isn't a social person. Other than her SIL who will be moving in 6 months, and her service providers whom she loves for a while and then does a 180 on, she doesn't like people. She is very proud of the fact that she has isolated herself. Of course that places a huge burden on those she does talk to and especially her son. I do feel sorry for him. I feel bad for writing for writing this but I don't think she's going to last a lot longer, maybe until her 80th birthday, about a year and a half away. It's still going to seem like a really long time.

[The Captain]

  @bonnap,

You have my sympathies...however I have to add something in response to:

I feel bad for writing for writing this but I don't think she's going to last a lot longer, maybe until her 80th birthday, about a year and a half away. It's still going to seem like a really long time.

Do NOT feel bad and do not count on the MIL only being around for a short while.  My grandmother had a massive heart attack but survived when she was 65 and no one expected her to live for much longer after that.  As a result, she moved in with my parents (after my grandfather died) at age 77 rather than really get an independent living situation set up.  Two years after she moved in she fell and broke both hips, refused to do physical therapy, and became wheelchair bound at age 79. 

She refused to go out of the house, would not accept caregivers on a long term basis and basically held my parents hostage (I know, I know, only if you let them) for the next ten years until my mom passed at the age of 65.  Grandma outlived my mom and, 6 months after mom's passing, we finally had to put her in a nursing home (my 72 year old father could not provide the round the clock care she required).  The few years my mom had left on this planet were spent caring for my grandmother round the clock (as best she could, dad did most of the work) instead of doing things with her husband that they loved.

Grandma passed at the age of 92, 27 years after the heart attack.  Make sure you set boundaries and please, do not let this happen to you.

 

[Deleted]

The Captain,

Thanks for the kind words. There is no way in h*ll that DH and MIL will live together under the same roof. The apple hasn't fallen from the tree and one of the good things about this process is DH is recognizing some of the same traits in himself. When I'm visiting with both of them I spend the whole time brokering their arguments. They do love each other but there's a lot of talking and no listening. I can deal with it for a short time but no way in hell am I going to become a martyr to their drama! And fortunately MIL has the resources to not have to live with us.

And you're right, it's certainly possible that she could be a statistical aberration like your grandmother. DH's grandfather lived to 102 but all four of his kids seemed to have inherited a number of health problems from their mother who died at 56. The oldest died about 2 years ago at age 85 after a long battle with Parkinson's. MIL is tough; she's survived at least 4 primary cancers, most I think were related to her smoking for 50 years (she quit about 3 years ago). She is certainly willful but I do think with her mind going that she's losing her will to live.

[TheOtherMe]

Aug 5, 2013 8:08:52 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

I had this same problem with my parents.  Their health was teetering so badly, that I point blank asked them if they would share their medical information with me so we could help them get better.  They agreed.  I started a medical notebook for each of them.  This note book had the print out of all their pharmacy purchases for the last year.  It had appointment cards from each doctor they saw and it had folders to keep test result papers and discharge papers together.

Once I had the medical notebook together, I started calling their care providers and asking for their information release forms.  The providers mailed them to me, I signed them, had my parents sign them and mailed them back.  Now I was in the loop for my parents and we all had information that we could work with.

Once we all got organized, the medical visits were more productive, because they now had treatment dates and the names of doctors and prescriptions right in front of them. 

It took an emergency visit over a weekend to accomplish this, but it has saved so much time since then.  They are better now and handling their own medical appointments, but they still keep the notebooks up to date because they see the value in having their act together when visiting the Dr.'s office.

There may come a day when the medical notebooks do the talking, because they can't.

Thank you for this.  We need to do this with my 89 year old parents.  Also need to get their will and medical POA changed.  It current has the other spouse as POA for health care but they think it's their granddaughter.  Need to have it legally changed so it is their granddaughter.

I know all about them being a part-time job.  Some days I think it's a full time job.

[Works4me]

Bonny - encoutage her to start smoking again? lol

Seriously, you cannot force someone to do use good judgement. If she falls and ends up in a care center it will be a direct result of her choices. Sad but that is the way it is. My personal belief is that people have the right to self-determination - unfortunately extremely poor judgement and bad choices are not illegal.

Can the two of you find comfort in the fact that for now, and up until the time she becomes incompetent, that you are helping her to live as she wished? At home with her corgis and water features - not necessarily a bad way to go.

Heartfelt hugs and unlimited support to you as I am dealing with my own father - at least he told me one time, while discussing the demands my grandfather placed on my mother, that he never wanted his care needs to take over my entire life.

[mmhmm]

Bonny, what is your MIL's physical condition?  She's had cancer, you say, but what other illnesses has she had, or does she have any chronic conditions (like Congestive Heart Failure (CHF), Diabetes Mellitus, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD), Coronary Artery Disease (CAD), or anything like those?  She smoked for a long time, so COPD is possible, certainly.  If she doesn't have any chronic conditions, she could live a good many years yet, and the dementia will worsen.  You've gotten some great advice from others who have been through this nightmare.  Having a plan in place is a must.  While MIL can have a say in it now, it's only going to take one accident, or a stroke, or heart attack and somebody else is going to have to take over.  Once an elderly person becomes chronically ill and frequent hospitalizations become necessary, the level of dementia increases with each hospital stay.  I have a Durable Power of Attorney for my mother.  I handle all her financial business and anything else that needs doing.  She's also got a Living Will and her wishes as far as her estate is concerned have been defined in her will since my father passed away 12 years ago.

Your MIL sounds, in some ways, like my mother (who lives with me).  She's not a social person, either, and tends to be pretty darned stubborn.  She'll listen to me, but I don't think she'd do well with home care-givers, as she doesn't like strangers in the house.  Even with me, she'll pull out the "poor me" martyr card every once in awhile if I get insistent about what she can and cannot do.  Her mind is pretty sound, but she's starting to show signs of short-term memory loss.  That, coupled with blindness and needing a walker to get around (she can't go far without breathlessness, anyway), makes it necessary for me to be pretty vigilant.  At 92, she's fragile.  A fall would be devastating for her; yet, she'd absolutely wilt in a nursing home, and I know it.  Being a nurse, I can provide her care, but it's not easy and I really don't know how families cope.  My heart goes out to you and your DH in trying to deal with this difficult situation. I hope you're able to come up with some sort of plan that eases her mind and yours, too!  Sometimes, it's necessary to let her have one plan while you have quite another.

Good luck, to all of you who are dealing with these issues.  Believe me, I feel your pain.

[toomuchreality]

My heart goes out to all of you dealing with issues of this nature.
Reading this thread has helped me in many ways, which I greatly appreciate.
It also makes me more aware and thankful, of how lucky my siblings and I are, as we deal with the issues surrounding my 87 yr old father, with lymphatic cancer's care. In comparison to many of you, we have things pretty easy. Which isn't all that easy. Things of this nature never are.

Remember to take care of you, as you go through this process, and care for others.
You are important, not only to yourself, but also to us and to those you care for (whether they acknowledge it or not).
You and your wants/needs also matter.

Do something nice for yourself today.  (one nice thing every day)  It will help you cope, as well as help your attitude, and many other things.

   All my best~
     as well as
(((BIG HUGS)))
       -tmr
     

         

[Deleted]

Thanks again to everyone for your kind thoughts.

I think the most pressing physical medical thing for MIL is that she's in stage 4 kidney failure. She did have kidney cancer about 20 years ago and only has one kidney. Although it's pretty rare, DFIL ultimately died from kidney cancer about 12 years ago.

Surprisingly, no lung cancer nor COPD. I do think the smoking contributed to the kidney cancer and was the cause for the bladder cancer. Breast and colon are unknown.

Finally heard back from her attorney late yesterday. He's sending over Financial and Health POAs today. I think I mentioned that we're all set on the estate stuff. It's this interim period where she seems ok on the surface but can't really handle anything complex.

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Site got wonky deleted double post!