Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 29, 2013 9:54:23 GMT -5
Those words have NEVER come out of my mouth. Does your husband make decisions for you? I have a friend and when we chat she talks about things she would like to do but her "husband won't let her" or she has to ask her husband. I mean, i don't get that at all. My husband doesn't "let" me do or not do anything nor i him. That seems strange to me.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jul 29, 2013 9:56:23 GMT -5
It seems strange to me too.
Although he won't let me have a boyfriend. He's mean.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2013 9:56:30 GMT -5
Could be a defense mechanism for her when she doesn't want to do something. I do it sometimes if i don't want to go out with friends. I'll say My wife won't let me go out because of yadda, yadda, yadda. It is easier for me than telling my friends I don't want to go out with them.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 29, 2013 9:57:03 GMT -5
Yeah, but we know you are henpecked Arch.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 29, 2013 9:58:50 GMT -5
I sometimes throw DH under the bus and say "He won't let me" because the truth is going to cause more drama than it's worth. DH will use me as a scapegoat from time to time. We don't mind being the bad guy on occassion.
Otherwise no in general we don't need each other's approval/permission to do something.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 29, 2013 9:59:34 GMT -5
I don't think I've ever used "Husband won't let me" but I know I've used "I have to check with DH" usually for scheduling an event. We have younger kids and both work so juggling schedules isn't always easy. I did use it financially a couple of weeks ago, when I sat with the gym people and discussed a personal trainer. I didn't think we could afford it and I wanted to doublecheck with him to confirm that before I signed up to pay $1200.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jul 29, 2013 10:11:06 GMT -5
Could be a defense mechanism for her when she doesn't want to do something. I do it sometimes if i don't want to go out with friends. I'll say My wife won't let me go out because of yadda, yadda, yadda. It is easier for me than telling my friends I don't want to go out with them. DH pulls this stunt all the time. He has all of his friends thinking I am some sort of bully. Our son is doing a league at our local gaming store. DH didn't really want to do it so when he went in to pay DS' registration the guys asked why he wasn't doing it too. He said "Sheila won't let me". They started ribbing him and he said "you can call and ask her if you want" They were all "no thanks, she scares me". Dumbasses
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 29, 2013 10:11:30 GMT -5
My DH is very controlling. He often tells me what I can and can not do. I can get around a lot of things he says. Occasionally I know it might result in divorce. Most of the time when DH says absoultely not whatever whoever wants is not reasonable so I don't fight him. I have found myself lately asking myself if DH is lurking on YM. Soo, I decided that I was going to stay withing the budget DH was asking me to keep to although I did point out some budget leakss that most families would not tolerate (We pay for FIL and my Mother's cell phone...he was making an issure about my parent's cell I told him not to get in a huff about my paren't cell phone unless he wanted to cancel his parents plan too. I also pointed out to him that he wanted to buy new funiture for his parents but it was not necessary. I went anlong with it b/c they provide free doggie daycare, and do a lot of work on our house. I felt we needed to give them something for all they have done for us the last few months. We got the furniture for all of $519. So I can live with it.
I just want to make it clear that DH tries to be controlling but he is really easy to influence to agree with what I want, so sometimes if I ever say DH Won't let me, I just don't want to do it or fighting for what someone else wants is not in my best interests.
My SIL was complaining this weekend about car salesmen that did not take her seriously. DH and I bought 3 cars in 9 months. I really never felt that I was not taken seriously. I was obviously considered important even when we were buying DH's car and I felt the ultimate decision was up to him. I only wanted to make sure we got the best price possible on whatever car he decided to buy and that we felt the car he bought would meet his needs Long Term. When I was shopping for my car and did not want to make an immediate decsion, I may have said I had to talk to my DH before I made the final decision. He pretty much felt the same way about my car that I felt about his. We don't drive each other's cars, so the concern is does it fit in the budget and are we getting a good deal. Maybe it was the way we interacted or the fact that they felt we had LT potential to buy more cars from them but the salesman and salesmanager did not marganalize any member of the family even my 16 year old DD who was along for 2 car purchases.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 29, 2013 10:18:39 GMT -5
Yep, when I was pregnant with our 1st he wouldn't let me go to the grocery store after dark. I've yet to figure out why. Since I don't have self-esteem issues or think that he can actually control me or my life, I didn't have a problem with him "not letting me", so I didn't go
He also wouldn't let me eat eggs they way I wanted or caviar when I was pregnant. Again, I "fought" for a bit, but then gave up.
To me "won't let" really means "I really really REALLY don't want you to do it". And many times I will respect that.
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spartan7886
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Post by spartan7886 on Jul 29, 2013 11:02:00 GMT -5
To me "won't let" really means "I really really REALLY don't want you to do it". And many times I will respect that. Mainly what I run into is DH doesn't like me running to the store by myself after dark. But the solution is not me not going, it's DH dropping whatever he's doing to go with me and keep me safe.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 29, 2013 11:15:33 GMT -5
There are times (especially around random strangers or pushy salespeople I'll never see again) when "my husband won't let me" is the easiest and most convenient excuse there is
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Jul 29, 2013 11:18:47 GMT -5
The only thing my DH won't let me do is get chickens.
I can't blame him since he would likely end up doing most of the work. It's only fair for him to be able to say no.
Otherwise we try to discuss and reach agreement on everything of importance.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jul 29, 2013 12:29:21 GMT -5
Yes. DH won't let me do lots of things - Cash in the retirement accounts and move to barbados, marry Ryan Gosling, sell the baby to the gypsies... These are just a few of the things I'm not allowed to do because I'm married. Lame.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 29, 2013 12:47:58 GMT -5
I don't have anybody to blame. From now on, when I need somebody who won't let me do something, I'm going to say Shooby's husband won't let me do it. Seems like he's getting off too easily.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2013 12:53:45 GMT -5
Yeah, I say 'my wife won't let me drink captain and cokes anymore' but it really means she preferred if I didn't. It also just makes my life easier in the long run.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jul 29, 2013 12:57:49 GMT -5
Yeah, I say 'my wife won't let me drink captain and cokes anymore' but it really means she preferred if I didn't. It also just makes my life easier in the long run. I'm sure she doesn't care if you have one.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 29, 2013 14:27:19 GMT -5
I don't have anybody to blame. From now on, when I need somebody who won't let me do something, I'm going to say Shooby's husband won't let me do it. Seems like he's getting off too easily. Ain't no man or human being who can contain me!!
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 29, 2013 14:39:31 GMT -5
There are times (especially around random strangers or pushy salespeople I'll never see again) when "my husband won't let me" is the easiest and most convenient excuse there is And I'll respect my DH if I want to do something that he feels is dangerous or if it makes him worry a lot and won't do it. If it's important to me I'll argue why it's not a bad idea or dangerous and we usually work it out or he just goes with me/us (friends). For some reason he's worried somebody will steal me. I think it's really because he's worried he'll have to wash his own clothes and have to figure out what he wants for dinner every night.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Jul 29, 2013 15:43:29 GMT -5
I had a husband once that told me what I could and couldn't do- I divorced him My grandparents were married over 50 years before their deaths, my great-grandparents over 75 before theirs and never heard tell of one telling the other "No you can't do this or that"- although my great-grandmother was the manager of my great-grandfather's business and would tell him whether or not the money was there for projects and investments as they did not believe in loans. My grandparents taught me that you should never have to ask permission of your spouse to do something. My parents had a crappy marriage and did not ask each others' permission to do things. When we performed at church- Mom told Dad- hey, we are singing X date, you can go or you can stay (he usually stayed). If he picked up an extra bowling night or had a tournament he did usually ask, simply because he might have to pick up some OT or a side job to pay his fees, but it was, do you mind or do we have X to pay fees for this tournament? And car salesmen that can't take me seriously do not get my business.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 29, 2013 16:27:34 GMT -5
. That's kind of what my SIL was sayig, but I was surprised she had such a problem. I never encountered it as an issue. But I used Consumer Reports True Car pricing when I car shopped. I had an appointment, a specific Model or Models I was looking at and a price I was looking to buy at. The only salesmen that tried to do the unless you need your DH's permission thing, I felt were trying to get me to close the deal now rather than wait. I did not need DH's permission to buy, I was using "I need to discuss with DH" to hold the deal open. I figured we were both using manipulation to get what we wanted. But my DH is in sales and analyzing why someone uses certain techniques when they are trying to sell us something has been discussed in our house for 20 years. DH has to try to figure that out to decide if he wants to try to implement some of the techniques When we were looking for DH's car, I made some of the appointments and we were at the dealer together, but I don't drive his car so I only cared that we did not overpay. I also moved him from a cheaper car to a more expensive car b/c I did not feel he would be happy with the car long term. I was surprised that the car salesman kept asking me if I was OK with the deal. This was the first time I was ever actually involved in DH's price negotiations on his car. He kind of admitted that he thought I did a pretty good job when I bought my car. But I did not price negotiate for him, I just showed him the tools I was using when I shopped. We on-line shopped together, and we looked to each other to make sure we had the same understanding of the deal at the dealership. I had also printed out the price quotes, so he was looking to me to "keep them honest".
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Jul 29, 2013 17:11:59 GMT -5
3 of my male relatives were car salesmen were/are car salesmen, at least 5 were/are mechanics and I worked as the lot attendant at a dealership- I refuse to be talked down by a man In fact, the last couple of cars I have gotten, I used a female salesperson
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 29, 2013 18:05:54 GMT -5
. That's kind of what my SIL was sayig, but I was surprised she had such a problem. I never encountered it as an issue. I have. When I asked about price of the car, salesman told me it would be better to wait for my DH to discuss the finances.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 29, 2013 19:17:48 GMT -5
Doesn't fly in my house. Dh hated it when I got a part time job at a movie theater and basically tried this. I think the real issue was he felt that it was beneath me, and what would people think of him as a husband if his wife had to get a 2nd job, but used the concern for me driving home after 11pm as an excuse. I pretty much told him to stuff it, or figure out another way for me to get another $200 spending money and free movies. I'll admit to a double standard though. I've said absolutely no more animals. But I think that's more of an important personal boundary. Over 16 years Dh has bred leopard geckos, had frogs, shrimp, newts, various other lizards )including a skink , 5 cats, and 4 dogs, oh and we fostered 100 kittens, puppies, and dogs when he worked at the shelter. For years I did almost all of the dog and cat care, and I'm still at 50% of their care. I'm.sooooooo.done. I've told Dh that if still has 3 dogs and 3 cats at home to figure out how to change my mind.
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spartan7886
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Post by spartan7886 on Jul 29, 2013 20:23:34 GMT -5
. That's kind of what my SIL was sayig, but I was surprised she had such a problem. I never encountered it as an issue. I have. When I asked about price of the car, salesman told me it would be better to wait for my DH to discuss the finances. I haven't had it that bad, but the last car we bought was mine, so I did all the research, all the negotiation, and then showed up to pay with DH in tow and said I want both names on the title. Guess who is listed first on the title and as the owner of the car in Hyundai's system? I'll give you a hint, it's not me.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jul 30, 2013 0:05:41 GMT -5
DH tried this when we first got together and I let him have it pretty good. It came up again during our premarital counseling. Now we are to the point where if he tells me not to do something I listen first and we discuss it later. It rarely happens and he's always had a good reason. Same works for me if I told him not to do something. But it works because we both respect the fact that we are individuals and we make our own choices. For the other person to speak up and not "allow" something means there is an underlying issue we need to talk about.
Sent from my SPH-L710 using proboards
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Jul 30, 2013 6:13:08 GMT -5
Yeah, I had a car salesman ask me if I had DH's permission to buy a car. I was around 35 years old, the same age as the salesman. I wanted to ask him how his wife would have reacted to that question.
When inlaws would ask DH if he wanted to do something, he would say he needed to check with me. As in, scooter knows if the kids have a ballgame, church activity, etc... Then they would say something about him being henpecked.
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mak
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Post by mak on Jul 30, 2013 7:59:57 GMT -5
I guess I joke about him not letting me do things, but really it is a more of he would prefer I not do something. It goes both ways with us though. We have 3 small children at home, so for example, being away from home 3 night in a row after work is frowned upon. We always check with each other before making plans because whatever the other is doing does really affect our home life right now. It will get better as the kids get older and are more independent.
I can only think of 2 things that he will not/would not let me do: - mowing lawn while pregnant (not sure why, our lawn was tiny at the time) - Buying foreign cars, but I have not really pushed it
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2013 8:05:54 GMT -5
I wonder how my wife would answer this thread. I don't let her do a lot of things, that's true, mostly having to do with money, though, not her safety. I would have loved it if I came home from work when she was pregnant and the lawn was mowed.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Jul 30, 2013 14:13:43 GMT -5
My great-grandmother pointed out to me many years ago a good reason for a wife to not be dependent on her husband's opinion.
She wanted to know how people thought women made out when banks had to be dealt with and cars had to be replaced, etc when the men were off to war. She didn't go hauling a man with her when my great-grandfather was dying- she did it herself.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2013 7:27:13 GMT -5
I had a husband once that told me what I could and couldn't do- I divorced him Yeah, I had one of those. DS and I couldn't wear jeans. (He fancied himself to be a preppy type.) There was only one waste basket, under the kitchen sink, that was to be used. The rest were for decoration only. We couldn't walk through the living room/dining room because he liked the look of the vacuum tracks left by the cleaning lady. I guess I'm luck he "let" me work outside the house, but he liked the money. Current DH and I have a very mellow relationship and, while we may consult each other before a major decision, we always reach a peaceful agreement and walk away happy. Life is good.
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