My Husband Won't Let Me....

[donnafreedman]

I was married to a very controlling guy and now it gets my back up if people ask even innocent questions like, "What are you doing?" or "I tried calling and you weren't home -- where were you?"
Now I'm in a committed relationship with a guy who completely, utterly respects my opinions and my space. He doesn't make pronouncements, he doesn't throw his weight around. Everything is open for discussion.
You know what? Probably 90% of the time I agree with what he suggests because (a) he has good ideas and (b) I respect the breadth of his knowledge. If he thinks that doing A would be better than doing B, that's fine.
Since we are each adults with our own jobs and our own agendas, we let each other know what's going on and then find common ground.
Bonus: He cooks and cleans but doesn't expect a ticker-tape parade for it. Some guys (and some gals) announce any domestic accomplishment -- "I cleaned the sink!" "I vacuumed!" "I did a load of laundry!" -- as though they should get gold stars on their charts. I really love that he's an adult who simply does his share of the work that accumulates in a household.

[Deleted]

We have never used the words "My DH / DW won't let me do (whatever)" but sometimes it is convenient for us to play good cop / bad cop LOL. Sometimes we use each other as an "excuse" for not doing something we don't really want to do. IMO it's easier to do that occasionally than to hurt somebody's feelings. "We'd love to but DH is tired these days" (DH had a very grave accident two years ago and he still gets tired easily) or "We'd love to but DW is up to her neck in marking these days". 

I live in France. Some friends and I have a regular "girls night out" every 3 months or so, and have for years. Most of these women are also foreigners (UK, German, Australian, Mexican), but some are French. I was AMAZED at how the French women initially all said, "What?! You mean you go out in the EVENINGS?! Without your HUSBANDS?!" These are educated, accomplished, intelligent, talented, wonderful women ... but going out in the evenings without their husbands just wasn't in their "world view". Happily they humored us foreigners. News flash: Nobody died, and nobody starved to death.

[grits]

This reminds me of a dear sweet lady that passed away this year. She was married almost 60 years. She told me that whenever she wanted to do something, she'd tell her husband what she wanted to do. He would tell her, "Well, this is what I think but you do whatever you want.". She said, "He was almost always right.". I replied, "Sometimes, it kind of made you mad didn't it?". She laughed, and smiled a big smile.  Rest in peace Mrs. Cagle.

Mutual respect goes a very long way in any relationship.

[Jake 48]

DW is very independent, while I could try to tell her she could not do something, her reply would be" is today a good day to die?"

[thyme4change]

My husband won't let me root for the Lakers.  I seriously think he would divorce me.  

[ZaireinHD]

Jul 29, 2013 9:54:23 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  Those words have NEVER come out of my mouth.  Does your husband make decisions for you?  I have a friend and when we chat she talks about things she would like to do but her "husband won't let her" or she has to ask her husband.  I mean, i don't get that at all.  My husband doesn't "let" me do or not do anything nor i him.  That seems strange to me.

OH my goodness Shooby!
yea same thoughts here!
it really bothers me when I hear other men / husbands say to me oh my wife wouldn't let me do this or that!
no I am not saying like something sexual or illegal!

stuff like when I show them pictures of the car shows I enter. I'll take a picture with one of the models. and I get "oh my wife wouldn't let me do that" or "my wife would let me go to a car show"
then my first thought is geez - what the fuck is wrong with you?

I had a best friend and she would tell me her boyfriend! NOT her husband (not that makes it any better) would tell her he needs to be home when any other guy is their, her friends, his friends, cable guy! LOL
that is a trust issue he has and she hasn't given him any reason not to trust her.

[zibazinski]

Hope to GOD she doesn't marry him. As her friend and a guy, you need to give her the heads up that this guy is bad news.

[Shooby]

Nov 30, 2013 17:04:49 GMT -5 ZaireinHD said:

Jul 29, 2013 9:54:23 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  Those words have NEVER come out of my mouth.  Does your husband make decisions for you?  I have a friend and when we chat she talks about things she would like to do but her "husband won't let her" or she has to ask her husband.  I mean, i don't get that at all.  My husband doesn't "let" me do or not do anything nor i him.  That seems strange to me.

OH my goodness Shooby!
yea same thoughts here!
it really bothers me when I hear other men / husbands say to me oh my wife wouldn't let me do this or that!
no I am not saying like something sexual or illegal!

stuff like when I show them pictures of the car shows I enter. I'll take a picture with one of the models. and I get "oh my wife wouldn't let me do that" or "my wife would let me go to a car show"
then my first thought is geez - what the fuck is wrong with you?

I had a best friend and she would tell me her boyfriend! NOT her husband (not that makes it any better) would tell her he needs to be home when any other guy is their, her friends, his friends, cable guy! LOL
that is a trust issue he has and she hasn't given him any reason not to trust her.

When I hear men say that, I just think it is a guy using this as a lame excuse who doesn't even have the balls to just say, "no that is something I dont' want to do" or whatever.  SHeesh.

[HappyCat]

Things Mr. Cat will not let me do:  ZERO
Things Mr. Cat prefers that I don't do: ENDLESS

He's really cute though so I like to keep him around. I tell him all the time that he is my favorite husband so far!

[Shooby]

What are the "endless" things?

[HappyCat]

The "endless" things are just his way of doing things.  Nothing big, nothing that matters and nothing worth throwing him under a bus. He is an engineer and he likes doing things a certain way that make sense to him.  I'm just like "whatever, if that makes you happy, ok".   For example, he doesn't like me to put my purse on the counter top because the little feet may scratch it, so he put a rubber mat beside the fridge for my purse. Now, that is where my purse lives. He doesn't like me to drive in ice/snow so he drives me to work during dangerous winter weather. It just feels like a long list sometimes.

[Shooby]

Oh engineer.  Highly intelligent braniac with OCD that makes for a good living.  I got it.  LOL! 

[chen35]

I have a lot of really religious coworkers (same religion as me). A lot of times they will say their wife won't let them watch certain TV shows or certain movies. It's just bizarre to me. I tell them I would feel like my husband's mother if I started in on stuff like that.

[HappyCat]

Shooby: EXACTLY!  Not only is he an engineer but he is also European so it is a double whammy.  Someone should've given me a class on how to be married to him before the ceremony.

[Sam_2.0]

Oddest example of this that I have witnessed IRL was a wife calling her husband at work to ask if she was allowed to give their small child Tylenol since the little kid had a fever. WTH? I would never dream of having to get DH's permission before treating Aly with OTC meds. I don't know if she was that uncomfortable with her own judgement and needed his reassurance, or if she really needed his permission. But it seemed stupid.

Clhen - I have noticed with the couples at church that the really young wives think they have to ask their husbands for permission to do anything. And most of the older ladies end up coming along and letting them know that they can trust their own judgement and they don't have to ask for permission to do what they want to do Maybe it was because I had lived on my own for 7 years before DH came along, but it was hard for me to even include him in decisions when we first were together because I was used to doing it on my own. He tried to tell me what to do a couple of times & realized that didn't work. Now he makes gentle suggestions (with good reason, like my safety or our daughter's safety). But I still do what I want. Most of the time I go along with what he wishes, but sometimes we just agree to disagree. And life goes on

[Deleted]

Jul 29, 2013 11:18:47 GMT -5 The Captain said:

The only thing my DH won't let me do is get chickens.

I can't blame him since he would likely end up doing most of the work.  It's only fair for him to be able to say no.

Otherwise we try to discuss and reach agreement on everything of importance.

OMG!!! That's the ONLY thing my DH won't let me do, either. What is it with the chickens, anyway?
I'd do all the feeding and cleaning and gathering. I would love to have some healthy eggs, but no...
Maybe it's a stigma thing?
I think I'm going to do it anyway, one day.

[The Captain]

Dec 12, 2013 23:21:52 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

Jul 29, 2013 11:18:47 GMT -5 The Captain said:

The only thing my DH won't let me do is get chickens.

I can't blame him since he would likely end up doing most of the work.  It's only fair for him to be able to say no.

Otherwise we try to discuss and reach agreement on everything of importance.

OMG!!! That's the ONLY thing my DH won't let me do, either. What is it with the chickens, anyway?
I'd do all the feeding and cleaning and gathering. I would love to have some healthy eggs, but no...
Maybe it's a stigma thing?
I think I'm going to do it anyway, one day.

Like I said, he'd do most of the work.  I may get some when I retire though...

Good luck to you!

[Deleted]

Pet chickens were au courant a couple of years ago... now they're pretty much passé.
 Fortunately, unlike pit bulls, they aren't all ending up at animal shelters... some of them are ending up in crockpots.

[Shooby]

 Why would anyone send a chicken to an animal shelter?  Lop off their heads and put them in the freezer. 

[grits]

I tell them moonbeam won't let me. If they ask me who is moonbeam, I tell them she is Junior Tracy's MIL. 

[Clever Username]

Oddest example of this that I have witnessed IRL was a wife calling her husband at work to ask if she was allowed to give their small child Tylenol since the little kid had a fever. WTH? I would never dream of having to get DH's permission before treating Aly with OTC meds. I don't know if she was that uncomfortable with her own judgement and needed his reassurance, or if she really needed his permission. But it seemed stupid.

Just revisiting this old thread.
I think this is the perfect example for how we all overhear and add extra interpretations onto casual remarks and overheard conversations.

Am I allowed to give my small child Tylenol?

Consider this possible reply:

Actually no, darling, I gave her Tylenol before you woke today, that was 2 hours ago.
Your dose would destroy her liver.
How about you try the Ibuprofen instead.

[Deleted]

Nov 29, 2013 10:15:55 GMT -5 Jake 48 said:

DW is very independent, while I could try to tell her she could not do something, her reply would be" is today a good day to die?"

i cant even imagine TELLING my DW what to do.....

she will on occasion ask for my advice....especially business accounting (lol)

but she is smart, independent, and very capable of handling her own issues

i ONLY get involved if she asks me to.....

i stay out of trouble that way.....