Marry the Right Person

[Deleted]

I pretty much suck in this area and I don't know why.  I think I'm reasonably intelligent and rational and I tend to think things through ad nauseum before I act...not the "hey, lets run off to Vegas" type, AT ALL. 

I'm going to have to say that luck plays into it some.  Otherwise I'm an idiot.

[milee]

Jul 24, 2013 10:14:59 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I pretty much suck in this area and I don't know why.  I think I'm reasonably intelligent and rational and I tend to think things through ad nauseum before I act...not the "hey, lets run off to Vegas" type, AT ALL. 

I'm going to have to say that luck plays into it some.  Otherwise I'm an idiot.

  Hopefully you're intelligent and rational enough to be kind to yourself and give yourself a break.  If there are common elements you find, use them to choose differently in the future.  But sometimes bad things happen to good people, and those bad things can happen more than once.

Just like the judgment thread, you can't judge yourself based on one or two facts or outcomes alone. 

[shanendoah]

Jul 23, 2013 21:57:13 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

How did I get drag into this?

Sorry, Carl. My fault. Just saying that we sometimes pick on you about possibly being married to the "wrong" person (not that I think most of us actually believe that, and it wouldn't matter if we did, since you don't believe that).

It just amazes me sometimes how personally we take comments on this anonymous message board. I can understand it a little bit when someone quotes another poster, or calls them out specifically (as I did). But for the most part, I don't think the majority of us are trying to pick on people in threads, or even that our comments, even in response to other comments, are about any one person. I think they are about the topic in general and since things can move fast, it's just easiest to quote what you are responding to- but it's the comment, not the person.

I don't think WWBG was talking about CopperPots. I didn't think Mid was talking about WWBG. But because we only have the words on a screen, we read into things based on our own mindset at the time and our own insecurities. I can't tell you how many times I've typed a response but never hit the post button because I've realized that my response was about me, not about what was actually said (and there are the times when I haven't come to that realization first, or decided to post anyway).

Deciding to stay married or not is a simple choice. It is also one of the most emotionally complex choices we make. And we make it every day we are married. EVERY DAY.
Some people, like my aunt, choose to stay in bad marriages for reasons that make absolutely no sense to me. And some people choose to end marriages for reasons I will never understand.
Most days, the decision to stay married to C is easy, so easy that it's not even a conscious thought in my brain. Other times, like when I first joined these boards, back at the end of 2009, when C was laid off, his mother was living with us, we'd recently lost one dog and just gotten a destructive puppy (who is my loved and adored little Beagle), and we were living in constant fear of the federal unemployment benefits not being extended, it was a much harder decision. In fact, joining the WIR and using them as a financial support group helped reduce my stress level enough that I don't think it would be a stretch to say C and I might not still be married if I hadn't joined.

Marrying "right", just like so many other things, is a consistent combination of luck and hard work. Even good marriages aren't easy and have their rough patches. And yes, marrying "right" certainly helps lead financial success. But it's not a one time luck and done kind of thing. It's an every day work at it with patches of luck kind of thing.

But success to me isn't just financial, and it's not just longevity. Staying in a marriage that makes you miserable just so you can say you're still married makes no sense to me. That's not success, no matter how long the marriage lasts.

Success is about being happy with where you are in life and where you are going. Success is the journey, not just the end. We don't make 6 figures combined. We have 4 people in a 1 bathroom house. The newest car in our driveway is 7 years old. On the outside, we don't look like "success". But our only debt is the mortgage and a student loan. We save (even without my 4 months of double pay, thanks to severance) over $1k/month (not including retirement accounts). We plan to buy another house next year and keep the current one as a rental. The fact that C most likely won't be back in the workforce for another 7-10 years is not a source of concern.

I call my life a success, and who I married is a big part of that- but not for financial reasons.

[Deleted]

Oh ok. It just that in my notifications it said I got tagged in this convo and I was like: what did I do now? I did not even post in this thread.

Anyway carry on ...

[skubikky]

Jul 23, 2013 18:29:04 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Marrying well is a crapshoot.  The people who are still happily married will list all these things they like about their partner, similar values, sense of humor, work ethic, whatever.  Go ask divorced people though and they'll say their exes had all those things when they got married the first time.  It's not like they dated and were like, "well, she's a total bitch, we have nothing in common, she's a slob, she can't keep a job, she never gets my jokes, all her jokes are just pointing out my flaws, but what the fuck, let's get hitched."  If there was an easy formula to follow we wouldn't have the divorce rate we do now.

Dark.....I love this comment.....because you hit the nail right on the head.
There's no magic formula based on age, earning ability, education, whatever.....
in the end,  it's a crap shoot.   People who had all the elements of a good marriage can see it go to shit....and, others who have all the elements for a rough marriage, can persevere and make it work.  

(NOTE: This is just my perception here) There seems to be a bit of a pattern I've read on these boards where some women like to describe themselves as the one who wasn't interested in getting married, didn't ever feel the interest in it, that more shallow, needy, unaccomplished and unintelligent women do.    That somehow, that wanting and seeking to get married is a character flaw.

[skubikky]

Jul 24, 2013 10:14:59 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I pretty much suck in this area and I don't know why.  I think I'm reasonably intelligent and rational and I tend to think things through ad nauseum before I act...not the "hey, lets run off to Vegas" type, AT ALL. 

I'm going to have to say that luck plays into it some.  Otherwise I'm an idiot.

Idiot?  No....just human.
What has stood out is how well you speak of your ex-husband and how  good a Dad he is. 
That is the best.   Haven't gotten that from anyone else that I can recall on these boards.  If anything,
there's a lot of angry, nasty, vicious stuff said about ex-husbands(wives) and often these are people who have kids with this person?  Go figure

[thyme4change]

To use the housing example, buying at the bottom is usually sheer luck - none of us being able to predict it with certainty - but being financially prepared to pounce on a good deal usually involves some planning and effort.

This is true, but...I bought my house in October of 2001 - right after September 11th.  The economy was struggling and people were predicting a lot of crap based on terrorists attacks.  The previous owner panicked and dropped the price of the house.  I thought that given the patriotic nature of the country, we would bounce back fairly quickly and housing prices would rise.  Yes, it wasn't certain, but it wasn't "sheer luck" either.  I knew there was a dip in pricing, and that was the lowest priced house in my neighborhood (that was livable) ever since.  Even after the bubble run-up and the subsequent bust that cut prices by 50%, we still got a deal.  

[Peace Of Mind]

NOTE: This is just my perception here) There seems to be a bit of a pattern I've read on these boards where some women like to describe themselves as the one who wasn't interested in getting married, didn't ever feel the interest in it, that more shallow, needy, unaccomplished and unintelligent women do. That somehow, that wanting and seeking to get married is a character flaw. 

 

I didn't want to get married and I've said that before.  It wasn't even on my radar especially as a young girl.  I don't think wanting to get married and having babies is a character flaw.  I thought me not wanting those things was.  And that's why I'm always so shocked that I not only got married twice but that the marriages were not huge failures.  Even though I divorced DH1 he was a great guy.

My mom always said that I watched her and learned what not to do.  LOL!  And now I'm a house wife! 

[thyme4change]

I wanted to be married - but I was terrified to do it.  Luckily, that kept me "independent" in a few relationships that might have progressed along.  

[shanendoah]

I always knew I wanted to get married and to be a mom. I did not have an elaborate dream wedding planned since I was in middle school or anything, but I knew I wanted a partner in life. However, I also saw my parents' marriage end after 16 years because my mom didn't love my dad enough to stay married to him. And my dad didn't love my mom enough to fight for the marriage.

And then I saw both of my parents remarry rather quickly to people who were worse matches for them than they had been for each other. (Though my dad's second marriage has lasted longer than the first, and the only reason my mom's didn't was because my step-father died.) So I knew I wanted to be cautious in who I chose, that I did not want to jump into anything.

People who knew me at the time would have been very surprised to learn I said no to the Annapolis grad. Being a full time officers wife was very much along the lines of how I thought I wanted my life to go back then. I said no because I didn't love him and cared about him enough to think he deserved that. And trust me, my parents' divorce definitely played a part in that decision.

That first proposal came when I was 21. I did not get married until I was 27.

[Deleted]

I never wanted to have kids so I never saw a need to get married, either. I used to say that Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell were my role models! 



Then my baby sis had a kid and that set off my bio clock. And here I am! A married Mom of two. 

[giramomma]

I wanted kids but always felt that marriage wasn't necessary. My plan was to adopt. I always saw myself being surrounded by kids..

I thought I did everything "right" when I got married. I didn't marry only for love. We have the same values and the same views on money, parenting, and religion.

Turns out, we still nearly ended up divorced. As it turns out, you can't really make someone to show all his/her warts to you. And, those hidden secrets can be a bit of a bastard.

Now that things have been worked through, we actually have an easy marriage. We disagree on politics, but we haven't really had a disagreement/fight/whatever you want to call it where we need to compromise/teach/convince/work with each other for several years (at least 3, now).  Pretty much we just get to concentrate on enjoying each other company.

[vonna]

Jul 24, 2013 12:33:16 GMT -5 skubikky said:

Jul 24, 2013 10:14:59 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I pretty much suck in this area and I don't know why.  I think I'm reasonably intelligent and rational and I tend to think things through ad nauseum before I act...not the "hey, lets run off to Vegas" type, AT ALL. 

I'm going to have to say that luck plays into it some.  Otherwise I'm an idiot.

Idiot?  No....just human.
What has stood out is how well you speak of your ex-husband and how  good a Dad he is. 
That is the best.  

Haven't gotten that from anyone else that I can recall on these boards.  If anything,
there's a lowt of angry, nasty, vicious stuff said about ex-husbands(wives) and often these are people who have kids with this person?  Go figure

One of the biggest reasons I rarely share info about my former husband is this.  I'm aware that I would come across as a bitter ex-wife.

After our first court hearing, the first time my attorney met him, he said, "You didn't tell me your husband was a horse's ass."

To which I replied, "Would you have believed me?"

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2013 12:33:16 GMT -5 skubikky said:

Jul 24, 2013 10:14:59 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I pretty much suck in this area and I don't know why.  I think I'm reasonably intelligent and rational and I tend to think things through ad nauseum before I act...not the "hey, lets run off to Vegas" type, AT ALL. 

I'm going to have to say that luck plays into it some.  Otherwise I'm an idiot.

Idiot?  No....just human.
What has stood out is how well you speak of your ex-husband and how  good a Dad he is. 
That is the best.   Haven't gotten that from anyone else that I can recall on these boards.  If anything,
there's a lot of angry, nasty, vicious stuff said about ex-husbands(wives) and often these are people who have kids with this person?  Go figure

We still get along better than a lot of married couples. He was the first one that showed up when our house flooded this spring and worked for 10 hours straight helping get it cleaned out.

To this day I don't get what he sees in his current wife.  I'm civil to her, but she just seems like a waste of space.  She's a SAHM now and does nothing.  No cooking, no cleaning, no yard work...nothing.  The house is a disaster and she sits in front of the TV all day.  I bust my ass from morning til' night taking care of a farm and two kids alone while working full-time and my ex had to get someone to come stay with her the week he took our son to camp.  He had to get a sitter for his freaking wife!   Maybe I was just too strong and independent.  Maybe he needed someone helpless.

[thyme4change]

What has stood out is how well you speak of your ex-husband and how good a Dad he is.

My friend who is divorced told me that she and her ex- get along better now that they are divorced than they ever did - even when they were dating, even when they got married.  She said for the first time, they are good friends.



Although, that was a shot-gun wedding because she was knocked up.  

[wvugurl26]

Jul 24, 2013 14:00:48 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Jul 24, 2013 12:33:16 GMT -5 skubikky said:

Idiot?  No....just human.
What has stood out is how well you speak of your ex-husband and how  good a Dad he is. 
That is the best.   Haven't gotten that from anyone else that I can recall on these boards.  If anything,
there's a lot of angry, nasty, vicious stuff said about ex-husbands(wives) and often these are people who have kids with this person?  Go figure

We still get along better than a lot of married couples. He was the first one that showed up when our house flooded this spring and worked for 10 hours straight helping get it cleaned out.

To this day I don't get what he sees in his current wife.  I'm civil to her, but she just seems like a waste of space.  She's a SAHM now and does nothing.  No cooking, no cleaning, no yard work...nothing.  The house is a disaster and she sits in front of the TV all day.  I bust my ass from morning til' night taking care of a farm and two kids alone while working full-time and my ex had to get someone to come stay with her the week he took our son to camp.  He had to get a sitter for his freaking wife!   Maybe I was just too strong and independent.  Maybe he needed someone helpless.

Are you freaking kidding me? A babysitter for a grown adult?

Hmmm maybe if I was less independent I could sit in front of the tv all day? Nah I can't depend on someone for my well being.

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2013 14:00:48 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Jul 24, 2013 12:33:16 GMT -5 skubikky said:

Idiot?  No....just human.
What has stood out is how well you speak of your ex-husband and how  good a Dad he is. 
That is the best.   Haven't gotten that from anyone else that I can recall on these boards.  If anything,
there's a lot of angry, nasty, vicious stuff said about ex-husbands(wives) and often these are people who have kids with this person?  Go figure

We still get along better than a lot of married couples. He was the first one that showed up when our house flooded this spring and worked for 10 hours straight helping get it cleaned out.

To this day I don't get what he sees in his current wife.  I'm civil to her, but she just seems like a waste of space.  She's a SAHM now and does nothing.  No cooking, no cleaning, no yard work...nothing.  The house is a disaster and she sits in front of the TV all day.  I bust my ass from morning til' night taking care of a farm and two kids alone while working full-time and my ex had to get someone to come stay with her the week he took our son to camp.  He had to get a sitter for his freaking wife!   Maybe I was just too strong and independent.  Maybe he needed someone helpless.

Or she is really bendy.

[Bob Ross]

Jul 23, 2013 17:13:15 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

C was probably the worst choice of the lot. He attends AA, lives at home, and runs an unsuccessful niche business (role playing game store)

Wait. You married Dark?

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2013 14:12:32 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

Jul 23, 2013 17:13:15 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

C was probably the worst choice of the lot. He attends AA, lives at home, and runs an unsuccessful niche business (role playing game store)

Wait. You married Dark?

Dark hasn't been to AA in months.



By the way, are there people that don't live at home?

[Chocolate Lover]

Jul 24, 2013 12:33:16 GMT -5 skubikky said:

Jul 24, 2013 10:14:59 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I pretty much suck in this area and I don't know why.  I think I'm reasonably intelligent and rational and I tend to think things through ad nauseum before I act...not the "hey, lets run off to Vegas" type, AT ALL. 

I'm going to have to say that luck plays into it some.  Otherwise I'm an idiot.

Idiot?  No....just human.
What has stood out is how well you speak of your ex-husband and how  good a Dad he is. 
That is the best.   Haven't gotten that from anyone else that I can recall on these boards.  If anything,
there's a lot of angry, nasty, vicious stuff said about ex-husbands(wives) and often these are people who have kids with this person?  Go figure

Why is it surprising people say nasty things about their exes on an anonymous forum? What better place to say it? In front of the kids maybe? 

My XH is a huge waste of space and part of me knew that from the start, but I chose to be stupid and stay with him b/c I was getting grief from family about him (can you say young and stubborn?).  I can't completely regret him since he's the father of my very wonderful DS.  I have a myriad of thoughts/feelings about him and I'd rather spew the angry ones here than anywhere my DS could come across it. (in a journal for instance) YMMV  

[formerroomate99]

(NOTE: This is just my perception here) There seems to be a bit of a pattern I've read on these boards where some women like to describe themselves as the one who wasn't interested in getting married, didn't ever feel the interest in it, that more shallow, needy, unaccomplished and unintelligent women do. That somehow, that wanting and seeking to get married is a character flaw.

I saw a lot of that in college, especially among girls who consistantly dated guys who were clearly not husband material.  I guess dating low quality 'men' pretty much guarantees that you'll be an indepenent woman, since you won't ever have the option of depending on the guy you're with.  It's nice to feel superior and all, but there are better ways to get self esteem. 

But when I hear someone on this board say the never wanted to get married, focused on their career, and kinda fell into marriage, I don't feel like they are looking down on me or my family oriented attitude, but that may be more due to my lack of interest in their opinions.  Big girl panties are a wonderful thing. 

[Sum Dum Gai]

Wait. You married Dark?

AA is for quitters.  I embrace my drunkenness like a man!  I'm drinking while typing this actually.  Just a few beers though, got stuff to do later.

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2013 15:01:59 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Wait. You married Dark?

AA is for quitters.  I embrace my drunkenness like a man!  I'm drinking while typing this actually.  Just a few beers though, got stuff to do later.

Drinking anything good these days?

[Sum Dum Gai]

Finishing up the last of our batch of saison.  It was alright.  Pretty good for the style actually, but it's not really my thing.  I like my beer dark and thick, almost to the point you want to chew on it a little.  Everyone else says you need something light and refreshing in the summer... weirdos.

[Bob Ross]

Jul 24, 2013 15:07:48 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Finishing up the last of our batch of saison.  It was alright.  Pretty good for the style actually, but it's not really my thing.  I like my beer dark and thick, almost to the point you want to chew on it a little.  Everyone else says you need something light and refreshing in the summer... weirdos.

Pfft.  Hipster.

There was this one nearby bar that had all sorts of obscure chewy beers that were well past the point of tasting good, but all the beer snobs "liked" them due to snobbery.  The one time I went, I asked the bartender if they had a pilsner, as in, a microbrewed pilsner, and he got all condescending towards me like I had asked for Bud Light.  Douche.

Then the place got shut down for health code violations.

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2013 15:27:27 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

Jul 24, 2013 15:07:48 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Finishing up the last of our batch of saison.  It was alright.  Pretty good for the style actually, but it's not really my thing.  I like my beer dark and thick, almost to the point you want to chew on it a little.  Everyone else says you need something light and refreshing in the summer... weirdos.

Pfft.  Hipster.

There was this one nearby bar that had all sorts of obscure chewy beers that were well past the point of tasting good, but all the beer snobs "liked" them due to snobbery.  The one time I went, I asked the bartender if they had a pilsner, as in, a microbrewed pilsner, and he got all condescending towards me like I had asked for Bud Light.  Douche.

Then the place got shut down for health code violations.

Probably because of all the douche.

[Sum Dum Gai]

We still haven't made a pilsner.  We should try that at some point.

I think the best beer we ever made was a high alcohol red ale with honey.  All my second favorites are various stouts though.

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2013 14:07:13 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

Jul 24, 2013 14:00:48 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

We still get along better than a lot of married couples. He was the first one that showed up when our house flooded this spring and worked for 10 hours straight helping get it cleaned out.

To this day I don't get what he sees in his current wife.  I'm civil to her, but she just seems like a waste of space.  She's a SAHM now and does nothing.  No cooking, no cleaning, no yard work...nothing.  The house is a disaster and she sits in front of the TV all day.  I bust my ass from morning til' night taking care of a farm and two kids alone while working full-time and my ex had to get someone to come stay with her the week he took our son to camp.  He had to get a sitter for his freaking wife!   Maybe I was just too strong and independent.  Maybe he needed someone helpless.

Are you freaking kidding me? A babysitter for a grown adult?

Hmmm maybe if I was less independent I could sit in front of the tv all day? Nah I can't depend on someone for my well being.

Yep.  He was afraid if there was a problem with the baby (they have an 11 month old).  She doesn't like to drive and doesn't really know how to handle household emergencies.  To be fair, she's Chinese, just moved to the US 3 years ago and doesn't really have any friends to call on.  I told him he could leave her my number if there was a problem, but I don't think he 100% trusts I wouldn't just let her die if the house was on fire.  I'd save the baby though.  I'm not a monster. 

[shanendoah]

Bob Ross - you know, I had to go back and double check what I'd actually written. C's father was an alcoholic and committed suicide via drunk driving, so alcohol consumption is something we talk about at our house. So no attending AA, but if I thought he needed to, you can bet your ass I'd drag him there.
One of the reasons I like Sum Dum Gai and Loopdilou so much is that while they don't quite remind me of C and I, they very much feel like they would fit in with our group of friends. I "rebelled" against my military family by marrying someone who never served and never will. But outside of that, yes, you could say I married someone very much like Dark.

[Sum Dum Gai]

But outside of that, yes, you could say I married someone very much like Dark.

Poor bastard, you have my sympathy.  I would have dumped my sorry ass ages ago, but I'm not really my type so we never would have hooked up to begin with.