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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2013 13:29:16 GMT -5
Can we expand on this one a bit.
Its been mentioned several times on the secrets to success thread. I defiantly see it. If I'd married my high school boyfriend, things would have been ok, but I doubt homeschooling would have been in the cards as he decided not to do anything with his BS and instead still works for a local landscaping company. Had I married college boyfriend, well, life old probably be hell... Or I'd be divorced. Husband is a great match for me, life is terrific and our marriage and compatibility are a big part of that.
That said, my marriage is also one of the bigger pieces of luck I had in my life. I mean, its not like I thought it out and chose selectively. When people ask how long we've been together, I consider our son's age and add a year... Knowing full well that gestation takes the better part of that year. It sooooo could have gone bad in so many ways...
So. Now here I am with 12 and almost 15 year old. Given that choosing a good mate is so integral to success, what advice do I give? On dating? On looking for a partner? Beyond the sex ed aspect...
How do you make sure you Marry a Right Person...?
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 23, 2013 13:33:01 GMT -5
You grab the cutest guy or girl that lights your fire and then whip them into shape! I didn't pick my DH 1 or DH 2 by their qualifications. I picked them based on how I felt about them so luck played a huge role in our financial success. Not that we are rich or anything but very comfortable and I don't have to work. Had I married the lawyer, the veterinarian or other really successful guys I'd be divorced or a widow. First one is on his 2nd divorce and was a cheater on the first marriage that I know about and the 2nd one is dead. I'm trying to decide if I should have picked the 2nd one after all.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 23, 2013 13:34:05 GMT -5
The guys that are the most fun to date probably aren't the best guys to marry. YMMV.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 23, 2013 13:36:56 GMT -5
Have them submit a budget, retirement account statement and credit report to YM. If posters approve then you've found "the one".
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2013 13:37:50 GMT -5
Be realistic about their potential? DH and I started dating when we were 23. And he was unemployed when we got together!! But he has an excellent work ethic, is really, really good at what he does and I knew he would get a job in his field pretty quickly (took him less than a month). So if your current squeeze is slacking, is it who they are or is it due to circumstance?
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Jul 23, 2013 13:38:57 GMT -5
The guys that are the most fun to date probably aren't the best guys to marry. YMMV. I disagree with that. Living with some one can be hard work in the best of times - if I didn't have a lot of fun dating them, living with them probably would suck. And I try to make sure we still go out on "dates". But I'm divorced and living in sin, so I am not exactly a marriage advice guru.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2013 13:39:22 GMT -5
I don't mean they have to be rich. I don't think wealthy necessarily equals right... Might be easier if there was a metric?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 23, 2013 13:39:32 GMT -5
Have them submit a budget, retirement account statement and credit report to YM. If posters approve then you've found "the one". And if they have ever declared bankruptcy, had a one night stand, a child out of wedlock, have been unemployed, do not hold a STEM degree, don't have a fully funded EF and retirement account, and a $5000 Honda, them.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 23, 2013 13:40:48 GMT -5
The guys that are the most fun to date probably aren't the best guys to marry. YMMV. I disagree with that. Living with some one can be hard work in the best of times - if I didn't have a lot of fun dating them, living with them probably would suck. And I try to make sure we still go out on "dates". But I'm divorced and living in sin, so I am not exactly a marriage advice guru. I'm talking about those completely inappropriate go out and get drunk and have a one night stand and a few subsequent drunken booty call guys. Not the guy you shack up with.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 23, 2013 13:46:25 GMT -5
My DH that I've been with for 26 years now had a crappy car with no a/c and a broken window. LOL!! I left a really successful guy to be with him so luck definitely played a huge part in our future. What I felt he did have: Honesty and integrity (tons of that!) Passion Very responsible Did what he said he'd do regarding the important things Is not judgmental (I do that for the both of us!) Showed up when he said he would Called when he said he would Loved me without any set demands and took me for who I was Hard worker (with some OCD traits) Is very clean in all aspects Is not shallow Treats everybody with respect Loved rock and roll and sang in a band and kind of played guitar Would drive for hours on a work night (when his project was out of town) just to see me <<swoon>>
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Jul 23, 2013 13:47:01 GMT -5
I disagree with that. Living with some one can be hard work in the best of times - if I didn't have a lot of fun dating them, living with them probably would suck. And I try to make sure we still go out on "dates". But I'm divorced and living in sin, so I am not exactly a marriage advice guru. I'm talking about those completely inappropriate go out and get drunk and have a one night stand and a few subsequent drunken booty call guys. Not the guy you shack up with. One night stands aren't dating. You're doing it wrong! LOL
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 23, 2013 13:47:06 GMT -5
and a $5000 Honda
I had an $800 1993 Ford Taurus, does that count? Probably not since it's an American car. I asked myself if I could live with/make peace with all of DH's faults/imperfections. And does what I love about him make up for them? Know your dealbreakers because it'll still be a dealbreaker after you walk down the aisle.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jul 23, 2013 13:47:26 GMT -5
Since "right" means different things to different people, I'd say its a function of looking at what it is you want in life, and marrying the person who has the best odds of giving you that.
There is no doubt that a lot of unnecessary friction and strife can be avoided by partnering with someone who has similar goals, outlooks, beliefs, etc... to yours.
Its a lot easier to find middle ground between saving (say) 15% and 20% for retirement than it is to find middle ground with saving 25% and "saving is for suckers, lets spend it all cuz you can't take it with you". Its a lot easier to find middle ground between cleaning twice a week and four times a week than it is to find middle ground between "showroom clean" and "why bother it'll just get dirty again".
Then, you hope for the best. Because the second you say "I do", all bets are off, because terms subject to change without notice! Seriously, you never know what experiences are coming, and how they will change a person through no fault of anyone around them.
Of course fireworks are fun too. Sometimes getting everything you want without incident is un-fulfilling. Oscar Wilde said there are two tragedies in life: not getting what you want, and getting it. For all I've complained about... I've never said life with DW was boring!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 23, 2013 13:48:35 GMT -5
I'm talking about those completely inappropriate go out and get drunk and have a one night stand and a few subsequent drunken booty call guys. Not the guy you shack up with. One night stands aren't dating. You're doing it wrong! LOL Sure it is. Dates that include physical activities are more fun that just sitting in a movie.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Jul 23, 2013 13:49:10 GMT -5
Know yourself well enough to know what things you can live with and what things are dealbreakers. i.e. Spend some time thinking about what you want out of life and what you are willing to sacrifice to get it. Of course, this kind of knowledge isn't available to most of us until we reach a certain age.
Only date guys who don't have any dealbreakers. This means you'll actually have to ask yourselves hard questions early on rather than waiting until you're head over heels in love and can't think straight.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2013 13:50:53 GMT -5
One night stands aren't dating. You're doing it wrong! LOL Sure it is. Dates that include physical activities are more fun that just sitting in a movie. Go to a drive-in. Then you get both!
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 23, 2013 13:50:57 GMT -5
I did two things:
1. I looked at his actions
2. I made sure that the things I didn't like I could still live with. (like his parents, for example). Hasn't been easy, but we made HUGE progress there.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 23, 2013 13:52:08 GMT -5
Marry/partner with someone who shares your financial attitude. Makes life easier and makes you rich.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2013 14:06:04 GMT -5
I guess my strategy is to not rush anything, and to seriously work hard together in a variety of situations before committing to a life time partnership.
Kind of arbitrary, but in my college health class, the professor mentioned that most couples who separate do it at about the 7 year mark. The rough theory, as she explained it, is that 7 years is how long it takes to raise to a kid to decent odds of it being okay with lessened supervision. That it's a sort of hind brain thing.
My parents were together for 14 years before they got married. At 34 and 39, they decided to start having kids, officially got married, and had the three of us 18 months apart. Long gens run in our family, little sis was a whoops baby when mom was 37 and dad was 42. They're ambitious and volatile, so I think the waiting helped them mellow out and be patient.
Because of those bits of data, I told DF "let's hang out for a couple years." We've been through some pretty stressful stuff, supporting each other financially 100% for long periods, moving 1,700 miles from our families, etc. We've consistently chosen to stay together, rather than feeling forced to. Subtle, but important for us I think, as we learn about each other, ourselves, how we react, and what we seriously value.
We've been together 8 years now, and are getting married this October. At this point, if DF went down in an airplane crash or the like, I don't think I would team up with anyone else, because I would unfairly compare them. We both have our deep weaknesses, and we're extremely different, but together we seem to create synergies and balance each other. In a funny way, we do the best together in stressful situations, because we completely sync for problem solving.
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garion2003
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Post by garion2003 on Jul 23, 2013 14:14:22 GMT -5
Marry the man today and change his ways - tomorrow!
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jul 23, 2013 14:15:25 GMT -5
...:::"And does what I love about him make up for them?":::...
And pray to God that the things you do love stay around.
ETA: Also know that sometimes the "marry a good match" is something that a person who got really lucky says to someone else to build his/her own ego and/or make someone else feel bad about something that in many cases came down to luck. It'd be no different than (as said in another thread) Swamp's sister making fun of Swamp about being able to eat whatever she wants, purely because she won the metabolism lottery.
Sometimes people who really cannot credit themselves for any of their success need SOMETHING to grab on to.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2013 14:16:34 GMT -5
They stay around. They just get lower....
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Jul 23, 2013 14:25:36 GMT -5
They stay around. They just get lower.... Are we talking about T&A? I'm pretty sure that's why the snookums is with me. What happens when mine get too low?
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Jul 23, 2013 14:29:48 GMT -5
DF and I slept together on our first date, he was temporarily couch surfing when we met and squatted at my place a lot, and was in default of his student loans. Since I knew all of his warts and still pursued him, ill have to get back to you on the whole "marry the right man" thing. Lol
(we did a lot of growing as people together, and he's an awesome man.)
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2013 14:33:47 GMT -5
The guys that are the most fun to date probably aren't the best guys to marry. YMMV. YOLO
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 23, 2013 14:37:00 GMT -5
Date the dumb ones in high school, and the smart ones in college.
Or
Date the crazy but hot ones in high school, and the stable ones with healthy parents in college.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2013 14:55:59 GMT -5
Well, I know it's a cliche, but if you can't love yourself (mind out of gutters please), you can't love anyone else. Until I was happy with myself, I wasn't really able to figure out what, in another person, would make me happy (ier). I guess that goes to the points of knowing what the deal breakers are. I didn't figure those out until I was already divorced. I think a lot of women also make the mistake of "needing" a man. I don't need DH and he doesn't need me. But we sure do like to be together.
Some people say that you should never marry someone you haven't had a major fight with...you know, to see how you would both act. DH and I have been together 5 years and I don't think we have ever had a major argument. We don't let it escalate that far. So I don't agree with that advice....
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2013 14:56:02 GMT -5
The best way to increase the odds of success is waiting until later 20's to marry. There is a track record on both sides to look at.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jul 23, 2013 15:00:40 GMT -5
I was never one of those girls who dreamed of being married. I don't get emotionally attached easily. Most guys I dated didn't make it past 3 months. DH was the first person I actually wanted to keep around and we met a couple of months before my 28th birthday (so I had 10+ years of dating under my belt). He was the first person I wanted to introduce to my parents. It isn't that the other guys were bad, I just used my head in relationships and I pretty much knew up front that things weren't going to be long term. Nothing lasted more than a year and i was always the one ending it.
With DH it was different. We've been together 5 1/2 years, married for nearly 3 and I haven't killed him yet- so I'd say that alone means something.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Jul 23, 2013 15:01:40 GMT -5
I went to a very prestigious college with a highly rated medical school. I dated 2 med students. My friends would ask "Is he Nice?"....like I would date a really mean, nasty guy just because he was in med school (I think that was the goal of a lot of girls, Mrs. degree).
I dumped the med students and married a liberal arts major. Probably a bad financial decision, but we are happy!
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