What's the secret to your success?

[Sum Dum Gai]

Archie's success was based on sponging off the folks until he was 30, and never ever doing anything fun.

Dude, he's an accountant, sitting around figuring out how much it would cost to do something fun and deciding he'd rather not see the red ink on his balance sheet is fun for him.  They're just weird like that. 

[Deleted]

Apple, IMO you are one of the "quietly successful" people that I really admire on here. I wish I had 1/4 of your fortitude and resourcefulness. You make your own Cheez-its, FFS - how could anyone not love that?!

I think with the tightness we're feeling financially (daycare pretty much sucked up any financial cushion we had each month) it's pretty easy for me to get sucked into a constant state of pity-partying. DH and I have been arguing about his job prospects and money much more often lately, the house still needs to be unpacked, since DH never gets around to mowing the back yard I can't even take Joey out there to play, work is getting more stressful... and I have no energy and I'm just not happy. At all.

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2013 12:44:00 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

Apple, IMO you are one of the "quietly successful" people that I really admire on here. I wish I had 1/4 of your fortitude and resourcefulness. You make your own Cheez-its, FFS - how could anyone not love that?!

I think with the tightness we're feeling financially (daycare pretty much sucked up any financial cushion we had each month) it's pretty easy for me to get sucked into a constant state of pity-partying. DH and I have been arguing about his job prospects and money much more often lately, the house still needs to be unpacked, since DH never gets around to mowing the back yard I can't even take Joey out there to play, work is getting more stressful... and I have no energy and I'm just not happy. At all.

Time to make your own energy bars.

[thyme4change]

Jul 24, 2013 12:44:00 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

I think with the tightness we're feeling financially (daycare pretty much sucked up any financial cushion we had each month) it's pretty easy for me to get sucked into a constant state of pity-partying. DH and I have been arguing about his job prospects and money much more often lately, the house still needs to be unpacked, since DH never gets around to mowing the back yard I can't even take Joey out there to play, work is getting more stressful... and I have no energy and I'm just not happy. At all.

  I'm sorry to hear that.  I know you two were having trouble a while ago, have you had any counseling?  Maybe you can work out some of these problems with some help.  

Chores seem such a pitiful thing to argue about, but 100% of married couples have been there.

[Deleted]

[Peace Of Mind]

Those of you that are younger will look back at your 20's and 30's as the best of times and the worst of times.  You are trying to figure it all out and have tons of work to do getting to where you want to be.  It's exhausting but exciting too.  You want something so bad and when you get it many are like WTF?!  Why did I want this?  But then there are the moments you have that explains it all and it will only get better.  I promise. 

Unless you just got it really, really wrong.   

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2013 12:48:13 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Jul 24, 2013 12:44:00 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

I think with the tightness we're feeling financially (daycare pretty much sucked up any financial cushion we had each month) it's pretty easy for me to get sucked into a constant state of pity-partying. DH and I have been arguing about his job prospects and money much more often lately, the house still needs to be unpacked, since DH never gets around to mowing the back yard I can't even take Joey out there to play, work is getting more stressful... and I have no energy and I'm just not happy. At all.

Chores seem such a pitiful thing to argue about, but 100% of married couples have been there.

Only when your wife doesn't do them in a timely manner.

[Deleted]

Are you still po'd about driving a minivan? 

[Sum Dum Gai]

Are you still po'd about driving a minivan?

Hey, there's nothing wrong with driving a bimbo box... oh, yeah I see your point now. 

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2013 12:55:12 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

Are you still po'd about driving a minivan? 

I'm Po'd that I had to buy it.   I'll drive anything.   You should have seen the POS I was driving before.

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2013 12:48:13 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Jul 24, 2013 12:44:00 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

I think with the tightness we're feeling financially (daycare pretty much sucked up any financial cushion we had each month) it's pretty easy for me to get sucked into a constant state of pity-partying. DH and I have been arguing about his job prospects and money much more often lately, the house still needs to be unpacked, since DH never gets around to mowing the back yard I can't even take Joey out there to play, work is getting more stressful... and I have no energy and I'm just not happy. At all.

  I'm sorry to hear that.  I know you two were having trouble a while ago, have you had any counseling?  Maybe you can work out some of these problems with some help.  

Chores seem such a pitiful thing to argue about, but 100% of married couples have been there.

yeah, I know I need to get my ass back to therapy. I stopped seeing my last guy because he was just not listening to me. Like, he'd literally start nodding off during our sessions. So now I need to find someone new.

[Phoenix84]

Jul 23, 2013 9:26:14 GMT -5 @mmc said:

Did not make list..

MMC, you're quite successful.  Aren't you a manager in a high powered field?  I'd like to hear how you got to where you are today.

[thyme4change]

yeah, I know I need to get my ass back to therapy. I stopped seeing my last guy because he was just not listening to me. Like, he'd literally start nodding off during our sessions. So now I need to find someone new.

Yes - for sure fire that dickweed.  But are you the only one that need therapy?  Will your husband go to counseling?

[Apple]

Jul 24, 2013 12:44:00 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

Apple, IMO you are one of the "quietly successful" people that I really admire on here. I wish I had 1/4 of your fortitude and resourcefulness. You make your own Cheez-its, FFS - how could anyone not love that?!

[Apple]

Jul 24, 2013 12:44:00 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

I think with the tightness we're feeling financially (daycare pretty much sucked up any financial cushion we had each month) it's pretty easy for me to get sucked into a constant state of pity-partying. DH and I have been arguing about his job prospects and money much more often lately, the house still needs to be unpacked, since DH never gets around to mowing the back yard I can't even take Joey out there to play, work is getting more stressful... and I have no energy and I'm just not happy. At all.

I'm really sorry to hear this.  I ended up divorced as the result of several issues.  I had many similar.  My ex wouldn't mow the yard.  His idea of cleaning the house was to take anything that didn't belong in the living room and throw it on the bed, including dirty dishes and his empty beer cans (he was laid off for months, I was still working full time).  I'd come home from a 16 hour work day, on my feet, with only a 20 minute break (that got interupted) and he'd get pissed at me if I just shoved it off the bed when the day was over.  Apparently, I was supposed to clean that up.  And if I took the time to clean right (actually doing things like taking dirty dishes to the kitchen), he'd get pissed I was doing it wrong.

I really hope for you that you guys can work it out and he will pitch in more.  It does help as the kids get older, and if you just have the one, he'll be in school before long (drastically cutting the daycare bill).  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. (and, even if it doesn't work out after you've done everything you can, you're not a failure.  At all.  We all have a breaking point.)

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2013 13:28:19 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

yeah, I know I need to get my ass back to therapy. I stopped seeing my last guy because he was just not listening to me. Like, he'd literally start nodding off during our sessions. So now I need to find someone new.

Yes - for sure fire that dickweed.  But are you the only one that need therapy?  Will your husband go to counseling?

yeah. He's been going for a while now, and pretty faithfully. I've noticed myself falling into the same funk that I did just before I mentally had one foot out the door, and I don't want to go back there. To our credit, things are a decent amount better than they were a year ago - and as much as I bitch about DH, he has really REALLY been trying. He is a better father than I could hope for to DS, and he's been trying to be more atune to the things that piss me off about the home. And even after everything, I know that he's the one I want to grow old with. I know I need to just be more grateful for what he does, but why is it so hard?

[imawino]

Jul 24, 2013 12:48:13 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Jul 24, 2013 12:44:00 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

I think with the tightness we're feeling financially (daycare pretty much sucked up any financial cushion we had each month) it's pretty easy for me to get sucked into a constant state of pity-partying. DH and I have been arguing about his job prospects and money much more often lately, the house still needs to be unpacked, since DH never gets around to mowing the back yard I can't even take Joey out there to play, work is getting more stressful... and I have no energy and I'm just not happy. At all.

 

Chores seem such a pitiful thing to argue about, but 100% of married couples have been there.

That is so true!!! Divvying up housework (especially when both spouses work full-time) is so often a struggle. Hang in there. If he's really not holding up his end of the deal around the house, it's time for a discussion. If he actually does do his share and for whatever reason the lawn-mowing falls to the wayside because it's not as important to him as it is to you then you need to pick up that task. He should be capable of watching the little one and making dinner while you enjoy some outdoor alone time pushing around a lawnmower.

[wvugurl26]

Jul 24, 2013 14:37:48 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

Jul 24, 2013 13:28:19 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Yes - for sure fire that dickweed.  But are you the only one that need therapy?  Will your husband go to counseling?

yeah. He's been going for a while now, and pretty faithfully. I've noticed myself falling into the same funk that I did just before I mentally had one foot out the door, and I don't want to go back there. To our credit, things are a decent amount better than they were a year ago - and as much as I bitch about DH, he has really REALLY been trying. He is a better father than I could hope for to DS, and he's been trying to be more atune to the things that piss me off about the home. And even after everything, I know that he's the one I want to grow old with. I know I need to just be more grateful for what he does, but why is it so hard?

I think it is hard to break those old habits. It is damn hard to retrain yourself to realize there are good things. And for me when I just focus on what's not up to my standards, I don't see the good things. Then I end up being annoyed all the time and ignoring the good parts. Like ok maybe the dishes aren't in the dishwasher but the trash has been taken out. It is so hard to avoid those old habits though.

[thyme4change]

It is especially tough when you have struggles with chores AND money.  Maybe you could see how much it would cost to get a service to mow the lawn.  Maybe there is a kid/teenager who would do it for $10?  Or even $20 - still cheaper than a divorce.  I have been told more than once that a cleaning service is cheaper than couple's therapy.  I can tell you right now that a cleaning service will not end the chores battle, but it did decrease a lot of the stress of that battle.  

But the really hard issue is the employment issue.  It sounds like he is not very motivated and when I have seen my husband go down that route, I find him less attractive.  I lose a little respect for him.  So, that is a huge issue for me.  

[Peace Of Mind]

Nothing ends romance faster than household chores.  Tell your DH he'll get lucky if he mows the lawn.  Maybe he just needs some incentive. 

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2013 14:43:40 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

Jul 24, 2013 14:37:48 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

yeah. He's been going for a while now, and pretty faithfully. I've noticed myself falling into the same funk that I did just before I mentally had one foot out the door, and I don't want to go back there. To our credit, things are a decent amount better than they were a year ago - and as much as I bitch about DH, he has really REALLY been trying. He is a better father than I could hope for to DS, and he's been trying to be more atune to the things that piss me off about the home. And even after everything, I know that he's the one I want to grow old with. I know I need to just be more grateful for what he does, but why is it so hard?

I think it is hard to break those old habits. It is damn hard to retrain yourself to realize there are good things. And for me when I just focus on what's not up to my standards, I don't see the good things. Then I end up being annoyed all the time and ignoring the good parts. Like ok maybe the dishes aren't in the dishwasher but the trash has been taken out. It is so hard to avoid those old habits though.

Exactly.    My wife usually says maybe the dishes aren't in the dishwasher and the trash hasn't been taken out and the yard isn't mowed and there are clothes all over the bedroom floor and all he does it watch tv and drink beer, but at least his pants are on.


You need to find the small victories.

[wvugurl26]

Jul 24, 2013 14:46:36 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

Jul 24, 2013 14:43:40 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

I think it is hard to break those old habits. It is damn hard to retrain yourself to realize there are good things. And for me when I just focus on what's not up to my standards, I don't see the good things. Then I end up being annoyed all the time and ignoring the good parts. Like ok maybe the dishes aren't in the dishwasher but the trash has been taken out. It is so hard to avoid those old habits though.

Exactly.    My wife usually says maybe the dishes aren't in the dishwasher and the trash hasn't been taken out and the yard isn't mowed and there are clothes all over the bedroom floor and all he does it watch tv and drink beer, but at least his pants are on.


You need to find the small victories.

How did she ever find such a prize like yourself?

[imawino]

Jul 24, 2013 14:46:36 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

Jul 24, 2013 14:43:40 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

I think it is hard to break those old habits. It is damn hard to retrain yourself to realize there are good things. And for me when I just focus on what's not up to my standards, I don't see the good things. Then I end up being annoyed all the time and ignoring the good parts. Like ok maybe the dishes aren't in the dishwasher but the trash has been taken out. It is so hard to avoid those old habits though.

Exactly.    My wife usually says maybe the dishes aren't in the dishwasher and the trash hasn't been taken out and the yard isn't mowed and there are clothes all over the bedroom floor and all he does it watch tv and drink beer, but at least his pants are on.


You need to find the small victories.

She must count her blessings every day. 

[Peace Of Mind]

Jul 24, 2013 14:46:36 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

Jul 24, 2013 14:43:40 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

I think it is hard to break those old habits. It is damn hard to retrain yourself to realize there are good things. And for me when I just focus on what's not up to my standards, I don't see the good things. Then I end up being annoyed all the time and ignoring the good parts. Like ok maybe the dishes aren't in the dishwasher but the trash has been taken out. It is so hard to avoid those old habits though.

Exactly.    My wife usually says maybe the dishes aren't in the dishwasher and the trash hasn't been taken out and the yard isn't mowed and there are clothes all over the bedroom floor and all he does it watch tv and drink beer, but at least his pants are on.


You need to find the small victories.

I think Jen would rather have all those things done and then him with his pants off but I've been wrong before.

[Bob Ross]

Jul 24, 2013 13:27:02 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

Jul 23, 2013 9:26:14 GMT -5 @mmc said:

Did not make list..

MMC, you're quite successful.  Aren't you a manager in a high powered field?  I'd like to hear how you got to where you are today.

Oh, you've done it now.

But I'll do you one better...

Hey Paul, if you're reading this, tell us about yourself.

[imawino]

Jul 24, 2013 14:43:40 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

Jul 24, 2013 14:37:48 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

yeah. He's been going for a while now, and pretty faithfully. I've noticed myself falling into the same funk that I did just before I mentally had one foot out the door, and I don't want to go back there. To our credit, things are a decent amount better than they were a year ago - and as much as I bitch about DH, he has really REALLY been trying. He is a better father than I could hope for to DS, and he's been trying to be more atune to the things that piss me off about the home. And even after everything, I know that he's the one I want to grow old with. I know I need to just be more grateful for what he does, but why is it so hard?

I think it is hard to break those old habits. It is damn hard to retrain yourself to realize there are good things. And for me when I just focus on what's not up to my standards, I don't see the good things. Then I end up being annoyed all the time and ignoring the good parts. Like ok maybe the dishes aren't in the dishwasher but the trash has been taken out. It is so hard to avoid those old habits though.

This is me.  It is very hard to acknowledge your partner's efforts when they don't have the exact same standards as you.  When I find myself getting annoyed because the dishwasher is loaded, but not loaded "right" or because he scrubbed the shower but forgot to vacuum the bathroom floor I know I need to calm the f down and drink a glass of wine. 


ETA:  Frankly, I need to calm the f down and drink a glass of wine pretty much all the time. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My therapist suggested that I wear a rubber band around my wrist and every time I find myself getting too negative to snap it.  The snap jolts me out of the thought and I can refocus.

I skipped the actual rubber band, pretty much anything you do to interrupt yourself will help.  I stop and count to 10.  Once I count to 10 I force myself to think about the things that go right in my life or give credit where it's due.

I'll never be an optimist but it helps me put things into perspective.  Career wise, money wise, marriage wise etc.

[Bob Ross]

Jul 24, 2013 15:05:54 GMT -5 imawino said:

Jul 24, 2013 14:43:40 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

I think it is hard to break those old habits. It is damn hard to retrain yourself to realize there are good things. And for me when I just focus on what's not up to my standards, I don't see the good things. Then I end up being annoyed all the time and ignoring the good parts. Like ok maybe the dishes aren't in the dishwasher but the trash has been taken out. It is so hard to avoid those old habits though.

This is me.  It is very hard to acknowledge your partner's efforts when they don't have the exact same standards as you.  When I find myself getting annoyed because the dishwasher is loaded, but not loaded "right" or because he scrubbed the shower but forgot to vacuum the bathroom floor I know I need to calm the f down and drink a glass of wine. 

DW used to get annoyed when I loaded the dishwasher wrong or forgot to vacuum the bathroom floor.

Now guess who loads the dishwasher and cleans the bathrooms?

Awesome.

[wvugurl26]

Jul 24, 2013 15:05:54 GMT -5 imawino said:

Jul 24, 2013 14:43:40 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

I think it is hard to break those old habits. It is damn hard to retrain yourself to realize there are good things. And for me when I just focus on what's not up to my standards, I don't see the good things. Then I end up being annoyed all the time and ignoring the good parts. Like ok maybe the dishes aren't in the dishwasher but the trash has been taken out. It is so hard to avoid those old habits though.

This is me.  It is very hard to acknowledge your partner's efforts when they don't have the exact same standards as you.  When I find myself getting annoyed because the dishwasher is loaded, but not loaded "right" or because he scrubbed the shower but forgot to vacuum the bathroom floor I know I need to calm the f down and drink a glass of wine. 


ETA:  Frankly, I need to calm the f down and drink a glass of wine pretty much all the time. 

That's it exactly, different standards. Maybe I would have been happier if I'd drank more!

[Bob Ross]

Jul 24, 2013 15:09:32 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

That's it exactly, different standards. Maybe I would have been happier if I'd drank more!

Of course you'd be happier if you drank more!

And easier.