Helping your parents through their last years

[bookkeeper]

I just got back from 3 days with my parents.  They take turns being the sickest.  My dad has had prostate cancer for 10 years and things are getting progressively worse.  My mother has arthritis that is some days debilitating.  Fortunately they have the funds to stay in their own home as long as they can. 

To those of you who have helped your parents through the final years of their lives, I could really use some advice.  I can keep it together around them, but the tears flow about 30 miles after I leave.  I try to remember that crying won't help anyone and to take advantage of the time we do have together, but it is so difficult to watch them suffer in pain just going through day to day living.

How do you do it?  How do you wrap your head around your parents eventual demise?  How do you keep a stiff upper lip in the face of the sickness and failing health of someone you love?

 

[happyhoix]

Bookkeeper, my dad died a lingering death from Alzheimers. He died about five years ago. He was in such bad shape at the end it was actually a mercy when he died.

My mom now has dementia and is living in an assisted living facility. She can't do any of the things she used to love to do - play bridge, do crosswords, read books, knit, do puzzles - because she doesn't have the cognative ability anymore. She believes she's living in a different state and that she has a boyfriend and she's about 35. She can't remember the name of the man she was married to for 45 years or the name of her youngest granddaughter. She didn't recognize her youngest daughter (she hadn't seen her in six months) on her last visit.  Lately, she's forgotten she can't walk without a walker and has started falling frequently. She frequently has temper tantrums because she hates having people tell her what she nees to do.

I love my parents but felt they were both trapped inside their failing bodies and that their deaths are actually a liberation for them. I will be sorry when my mother dies, but happy that she is no longer having to deal with the indignity of falling and being unable to stand back up again, of having to be bathed by strangers, of having someone wipe her bottom for her and dress her.

I'm sure it's a much different circumstance when your parents die unexpectedly in accidents, but watching a loved one lingering through a painful existance that medical science can't do a thing to alleviate makes you realize there's much worse things than dying. I'm sad that I lost my father, but happy that he is no longer bedridden and mute, like he was before he died. He's in a better place now.

Best of luck. I know this is very hard.

[Deleted]

when my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma, i knew i had limited time left with him

some of that time was really hard......

but i wouldnt have missed some of the best conversations of our lives

he finally opened up about his time in Vietnam....and other things that were always off limits

sounds so cliche....

but take one day at a time.....and try to make the most out of it

your parents will have good days and bad days.....

deal with the bad days as best as you can.....

the good days will make up for it.....

what i found was the grand kids brightened his days...so i tried to get them up as much as possible

hard to be mad at the world when you have your great grand daughter on your knee bouncing her around, and her giggling so loudly

[Tennesseer]

Jul 8, 2013 9:13:08 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

I just got back from 3 days with my parents.  They take turns being the sickest.  My dad has had prostate cancer for 10 years and things are getting progressively worse.  My mother has arthritis that is some days debilitating.  Fortunately they have the funds to stay in their own home as long as they can. 

To those of you who have helped your parents through the final years of their lives, I could really use some advice.  I can keep it together around them, but the tears flow about 30 miles after I leave.  I try to remember that crying won't help anyone and to take advantage of the time we do have together, but it is so difficult to watch them suffer in pain just going through day to day living.

How do you do it?  How do you wrap your head around your parents eventual demise?  How do you keep a stiff upper lip in the face of the sickness and failing health of someone you love?

 

You handled it right. You were strong when you were there. You let out all that pent up emotion when you left. I did the same. It's sad to see our parents' health fade away. It's part of life.

[kittensaver]

My mother just turned 90 and is healthy and living independently (knock on wood), but I was hands-on involved for almost 2 years for MIL and FIL's slides downhill. I agree with others that you handled it right.

My advice: keep them together as long as you can. It's hell having to run back and forth between nursing homes. Take whatever help you can get. And do your crying out of their sight and earshot.

BIG BIG BIG Hugs to you. PM me if you need to!

[mrsdutt]

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

I only have a couple things to say because each journey is individually designed.

I tried to remember the saying 'Once an adult, twice a child'.

Also tears are an important outlet.  Sometimes they come just to relieve the pressure.  So don't try to hold them back.  They're healthy.


GDGY:  My DH did the same thing with my daughter about Viet Nam.  He held it in for 45 years until then.  My daughter wrote a book about him and gave me a copy for Christmas.  I'm encouraging her to look for a publisher.  Such heartfelt memories.

[busymom]

First of all, <HUGS>. 


I'm dealing with this right now with my Mom.  I was told she'd be long gone by now, by the doctor attending to her in the hospital last year.  She is currently in a nursing home, & has her good days & bad days.  But, every time the nursing home calls me, I wonder if they're calling to tell me she's gone.  Her current doctor says when she passes, it'll be quick.  And, she often tells me she is ready to go.  But, as much as I want her to be pain free, I know letting go will be difficult.  She's a great Mom.


You hang in there.  And you're always welcome to vent here.  We're pretty good listeners most of the time.    You are blessed that they are still able to stay in their home, but you might want to start checking around for assisted-living & nursing home options.  My Mom had one major medical incident, & she wasn't able to return to her home.

[bookkeeper]

I am fortunate that both my parents have clear minds, it is their bodies that are wearing out.  I am also fortunate that my husband supported my decision to leave my last job, so I can jump in the car and be there to help them when needed.

My brother, who lives nearby and is also the executor of both their estates, really wants to press our father about details of his estate planning.  I feel the same way, but there is never a good time to discuss money when someone is sick and failing.  To be fair, my brother and his wife are dealing with clearing the estate of his mother in law.  They are both learning quite a bit how the estate process works and what doesn't work.  They are also learning the cost of clearing an estate.  We both fear that the living trusts and wills they penned 25 years ago are possibly incomplete and positively have not been updated.  At the very least, we both feel it is time to add an adult child to a checking account and have a power of attorney filled out and ready to go.

My parents have medical directives and long term care insurance in place, or at least they did 25 years ago.  They do not have an attorney that they use.  Their investment advisor helped them draw up the paperwork they put in place 25 years ago.

My father refuses to discuss funeral arrangements even with my mother.  He feels that is someone else's job, just like he has had to plan funerals for friends and relatives in the past.

[Deleted]

Jul 8, 2013 11:03:04 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

I am fortunate that both my parents have clear minds, it is their bodies that are wearing out.  I am also fortunate that my husband supported my decision to leave my last job, so I can jump in the car and be there to help them when needed.

My brother, who lives nearby and is also the executor of both their estates, really wants to press our father about details of his estate planning.  I feel the same way, but there is never a good time to discuss money when someone is sick and failing.  To be fair, my brother and his wife are dealing with clearing the estate of his mother in law.  They are both learning quite a bit how the estate process works and what doesn't work.  They are also learning the cost of clearing an estate.  We both fear that the living trusts and wills they penned 25 years ago are possibly incomplete and positively have not been updated.  At the very least, we both feel it is time to add an adult child to a checking account and have a power of attorney filled out and ready to go.

My parents have medical directives and long term care insurance in place, or at least they did 25 years ago.  They do not have an attorney that they use.  Their investment advisor helped them draw up the paperwork they put in place 25 years ago.

My father refuses to discuss funeral arrangements even with my mother.  He feels that is someone else's job, just like he has had to plan funerals for friends and relatives in the past.

There is never a "good time" to discuss it but I think you and your bro making an appointment to see them using his in-laws' situation is a perfect opening. If he's Trustee he really does need to know what they expect him to do. Do your parents even know where there is a copy of the Trust?

We re-did MIL's Trust last month. I actually had reviewed it about 18 months before but her brother had died and she couldn't really deal with it then. Then of course DH and moved back "home" and we had our own stuff to deal with. I kind of had to badger her a bit over Christmas and Mother's Day because she had created a "Dog Trust" within her Trust and she was no longer in contact with the woman who was Trustee.

We also had her give both of us POA and are in the process of having DH on both of her checking accts but not savings (to avoid being "gifted funds).

Since they've already done the health care directive (which I think is the most important thing to do), the second most important is making sure all bank accounts have the beneficiaries listed as well as secondary ones. 

Also, if your parents have a safe deposit box, make sure one of you kids is listed as one of the owners too.

[toomuchreality]

Hugs to all that have been through this, and to all those going through it. It's HARD!

My mom had Alzheimer's for years, and I too felt like it was blessing when she finally passed. My dad currently has Lymphoma, and only a few months left, they say. My daughter and I are going to dinner with him tonight. I cry just thinking about not having him around.

Years ago, I was named executor of the estate for my parents, for a few years. They told me, as soon as I heard anything had happened to them, to immediately go to the bank, and remove everything from their safety deposit box. Luckily I never had to.


~ Wishing you all the best!





bookkeeper- I don't know anything about medical directives. Does the paperwork drawn up 25 years ago still apply?

[whoami]

Jul 8, 2013 11:03:04 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

I am fortunate that both my parents have clear minds, it is their bodies that are wearing out.  I am also fortunate that my husband supported my decision to leave my last job, so I can jump in the car and be there to help them when needed.

My brother, who lives nearby and is also the executor of both their estates, really wants to press our father about details of his estate planning.  I feel the same way, but there is never a good time to discuss money when someone is sick and failing.  To be fair, my brother and his wife are dealing with clearing the estate of his mother in law.  They are both learning quite a bit how the estate process works and what doesn't work.  They are also learning the cost of clearing an estate.  We both fear that the living trusts and wills they penned 25 years ago are possibly incomplete and positively have not been updated.  At the very least, we both feel it is time to add an adult child to a checking account and have a power of attorney filled out and ready to go.

My parents have medical directives and long term care insurance in place, or at least they did 25 years ago.  They do not have an attorney that they use.  Their investment advisor helped them draw up the paperwork they put in place 25 years ago.

My father refuses to discuss funeral arrangements even with my mother.  He feels that is someone else's job, just like he has had to plan funerals for friends and relatives in the past.

My parents could be considered "dream" parents when it comes to this sort of stuff.  They have all their paperwork in order and have 2 kids who arent afraid to talk to them about these kinds of issues.  We just returned from visiting them and I had a brief conversation with my parents about how they want the funerals run.  I also warned both of them that if I thought they needed care and refused to cooperate, I would step in and make it happen. They could be mad if they wanted to be....I was going to do what I thought was right. I have power of attorney and the necessary paperwork.  I am also on the accounts and have had the conversations with them to understand exactly what their wishes are.   The reason we had this conversation again..... is because my MIL is probably on her last 30-60 days and is making the whole process incredibly difficult on everyone especially herself. My husband just left to go out there again today to find out WTH is going on.

Her house is full of mold so no one wants to be in it. DH and I have both gotten sick in the house due to mold.  She refuses to leave. Its relatively pointless now.  She also had a 25 year old will and assorted codicils, which did not follow the law as to how they should have been written and pretty much invalidated the will.  She refused to deal with it until someone other than my husband told her the will needed to be redone.  She has POA for medical but has not given the paperwork to whoever has it and I'm not even sure we know at this point who has been named.   I'm not even sure if the new will has been completed.  DH is trying to help but she just wont cooperate.  He is taking off a significant amount of time which is costing us a fortune.  I have no idea how long he will be there....could be a day, a week or a month.  He refuses to spend any significant time inside her house so there is a hotel expense.  He is trying to let her make her own decisions (with HIPPA there isnt much choice anyway outside of going to court) but she continues to refuse to deal with upcoming issues like medical care and assistance she will need day to day at the end.  She has addressed the memorial service and the weed problem in the yard but the real issues continue to be swept aside.  I've stepped back from the whole situation because I've had it and DH can do whatever he is going to do.  The whole situation has caused a lot of tension between DH and I.   My MIL is a very difficult personality in the first place and it hasn't gotten any better with all the health issues as of late.  I haven't been to her house or spoken to her in many years.  His sister who lives 10 miles from MIL, has a pretty tenuous relationship with her.  She has been to her house only a couple times in the last 2 months and doesn't seem to be all that concerned about her declining health or who is going to be taking care of her in the last few days.  I have been after DH for months now to address these care issues and other estate type issues and little to nothing has happened. When DH has pushed certain things (like the will and POAs) she pitched a fit and accused him of trying to control her.  He made no suggestion as to what should be put in the will, only that it needed to be re written into one coherent document with appropriate medical directives etc.  It should have been done long ago as waiting until someone is on deaths door does make you look like circling vultures even when that isn't the intention.  

The shit will hit the fan in the coming days and its going to be very ugly.  Its unfortunate because it could have been made a lot easier on everyone but that is not how DHs family rolls....so its going to be a big mess.  I have no intention of being in the middle of it.  It has pushed me into revisiting some of these issues with my own family.  I've explained to them that I will NOT going through with them what I have been watching happen with DH.  Fortunately, they have been very cooperative and we are all on the same page.  

Get as much done now as it doesn't get any better.  One of our big frustrations at the moment is how MIL will be cared for once she is unable to care for herself given she refuses to plan for anything like that.  I told DH I would have been looking into hospice care and facilities months ago when the doc first told her the prognosis and had a plan in place.  They still haven't addressed this and its going to be a big problem if they don't given that MIL doesn't want to be in the hospital or in a nursing home.  Her list of *unacceptable is a mile long....but she has significantly limited her options by refusing to deal with the potential that she needs some sort of nursing care at the end. 

[Deleted]

Get as much done now as it doesn't get any better. One of our big frustrations at the moment is how MIL will be cared for once she is unable to care for herself given she refuses to plan for anything like that. I told DH I would have been looking into hospice care and facilities months ago when the doc first told her the prognosis and had a plan in place. They still haven't addressed this and its going to be a big problem if they don't given that MIL doesn't want to be in the hospital or in a nursing home. Her list of *unacceptable is a mile long....but she has significantly limited her options by refusing to deal with the potential that she needs some sort of nursing care at the end.

This board has been wonderful in letting me know that DH and are not the only ones going through this kind of stuff. MIL is a very difficult type "A" person and nothing is ever right or good enough. He's up with her now and I feel for the guy.

It should have been done long ago as waiting until someone is on deaths door does make you look like circling vultures even when that isn't the intention.

That's pretty much how I felt. But I knew it was going to be mess if I didn't step in.

[whoami]

Jul 8, 2013 12:20:08 GMT -5 @bonnap said:

Get as much done now as it doesn't get any better. One of our big frustrations at the moment is how MIL will be cared for once she is unable to care for herself given she refuses to plan for anything like that. I told DH I would have been looking into hospice care and facilities months ago when the doc first told her the prognosis and had a plan in place. They still haven't addressed this and its going to be a big problem if they don't given that MIL doesn't want to be in the hospital or in a nursing home. Her list of *unacceptable is a mile long....but she has significantly limited her options by refusing to deal with the potential that she needs some sort of nursing care at the end.

This board has been wonderful in letting me know that DH and are not the only ones going through this kind of stuff. MIL is a very difficult type "A" person and nothing is ever right or good enough. He's up with her now and I feel for the guy.

It should have been done long ago as waiting until someone is on deaths door does make you look like circling vultures even when that isn't the intention.

That's pretty much how I felt. But I knew it was going to be mess if I didn't step in.

I have barely scratched the surface of what has been going on in our situation and I can tell you....it really really sucks.  Despite all of MILs demands, she will end up in a facility if it comes to her needing care as I don't think DH would/could do it and SIL wont do it.  That about covers her non-facility options.  Had she set up something in advance, she would have had more options as to where she ends up.  At this point, she will end up where ever she ends up.  I feel like there is a bit of passive-aggressive stuff going on as DH went with me to my parents for a few days rather than to see her.  She refuses to answer the phone (multiple calls and messages leaving DH to think she's dead on the floor) but after getting a hold of SIL, he found out she was well enough to make a trip to the grocery store.  I feel sorry for my husband too, but I also think part of this is his fault for tolerating bad behavior for so long.  I believe the saying "you teach people how to treat you".  

[Deleted]

whoami,

My MIL bought long term care insurance so that she wouldn't wind up in a "home". The problem is that she has "improved" her home so that it's not safe for her. I posted a while back about how she was found partially submerged in her pond after she slipped. Apparently she was there for some time until some passer byers heard her calling and rescued her. She has fallen before on these same slippery paving stones. They ice up during the winter.

She can be pretty abusive and it's very, very difficult for DH as he is her only child. For sure he stirs the pot too but watching her in action makes me understand why he acts the way he does at times.

[kittensaver]

whoami: sounds like your MIL has some mental health issues? That complicates things greatly. So sorry you have to deal with this! Hugs to you too, Bonny.

[Tennesseer]

Jul 8, 2013 11:47:27 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

Hugs to all that have been through this, and to all those going through it. It's HARD!

My mom had Alzheimer's for years, and I too felt like it was blessing when she finally passed.. My dad currently has Lymphoma, and only a few months left, they say. My daughter and I are going to dinner with him tonight. I cry just thinking about not having him around.

Years ago, I was named executor of the estate for my parents, for a few years. They told me, as soon as I heard anything had happened to them, to immediately go to the bank, and remove everything from their safety deposit box. Luckily I never had to.


~ Wishing you all the best!





bookkeeper- I don't know anything about medical directives. Does the paperwork drawn up 25 years ago still apply?

Been there-done that. It was a blessing. In my mind my mother had died a few years earlier and we were tending to a shell. The body finally dying was just a formality.

[whoami]

Jul 8, 2013 13:20:32 GMT -5 @bonnap said:

whoami,

My MIL bought long term care insurance so that she wouldn't wind up in a "home". The problem is that she has "improved" her home so that it's not safe for her. I posted a while back about how she was found partially submerged in her pond after she slipped. Apparently she was there for some time until some passer byers heard her calling and rescued her. She has fallen before on these same slippery paving stones. They ice up during the winter.

She can be pretty abusive and it's very, very difficult for DH as he is her only child. For sure he stirs the pot too but watching her in action makes me understand why he acts the way he does at times.

Mine had to be rescued too....she somehow locked herself in her bathroom and couldn't get out.  Still haven't figured that one out.  She has enough money to go into a hospice facility of her choice but refuses to make the call.  She had even more money, but gave away a majority of her cash estate earlier this year.  It was another WTF moment as I told DH she should have waited until later or just addressed it in the will.  I told him you cant give all your money away and then expect the state to pay your bills if it were to come to that.  We had no real idea how long she had (and really still don't) and she was writing checks left and right.  

I think my MIL is abusive as well or at the very least, extremely rude.  DH tunes her out.  I do not.  I've told her off in the past when she pulled it with me and shot DH a look warning him to not say a word to me about it.  I don't tolerate being treated that way.  I don't care who it is or how old they are.

[whoami]

Jul 8, 2013 13:23:26 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

whoami: sounds like your MIL has some mental health issues? That complicates things greatly. So sorry you have to deal with this! Hugs to you too, Bonny.

She definitely has personality issues...she has lived alone for 35 years and hasn't had anyone in her life that she has had to compromise with like you would with a spouse.  I honestly don't think she has any idea how to take any one elses feelings into consideration.  She has no social graces and no filter when it comes to her opinions.  I don't believe DH would be successful in court if it came down to that sort of scenario. 

[kittensaver]

Jul 8, 2013 13:45:18 GMT -5 whoami said:

Jul 8, 2013 13:23:26 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

whoami: sounds like your MIL has some mental health issues? That complicates things greatly. So sorry you have to deal with this! Hugs to you too, Bonny.

She definitely has personality issues...she has lived alone for 35 years and hasn't had anyone in her life that she has had to compromise with like you would with a spouse.  I honestly don't think she has any idea how to take any one elses feelings into consideration.  She has no social graces and no filter when it comes to her opinions.  I don't believe DH would be successful in court if it came down to that sort of scenario. 

Yup - sounds like a borderline personality disorder, perhaps sociopathology? Man, it sucks trying to deal with a person like that. BIG hugs to you.

[The Captain]

Jul 8, 2013 9:13:08 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

How do you do it?  How do you wrap your head around your parents eventual demise?  How do you keep a stiff upper lip in the face of the sickness and failing health of someone you love?

 

First off, know you are not the only one dealing with this and you will get through this.

In my mom's case it was a royal mess because she refused to discuss or plan for anything.  Dealing with this, along with a lot of unnecessary family drama, actually helped in hindsight.  With that being said I sincerely hope you don't have to deal with that kind of nonsense.

For my father he, after seeing/dealing with the mess we had to clean up with mom, decided to get everything in order.  I hate to see my once strong and hearty father have shaking hands as he reads the newspaper, but I try to make sure I do everything I can to make his life easier (and/or help my sister who actually does most of the work).

In the end I think parents help kids out when they are young, and kids help parents out when they are old.  It's what family does.

[Deleted]

Jul 8, 2013 13:45:18 GMT -5 whoami said:

Jul 8, 2013 13:23:26 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

whoami: sounds like your MIL has some mental health issues? That complicates things greatly. So sorry you have to deal with this! Hugs to you too, Bonny.

She definitely has personality issues...she has lived alone for 35 years and hasn't had anyone in her life that she has had to compromise with like you would with a spouse.  I honestly don't think she has any idea how to take any one elses feelings into consideration.  She has no social graces and no filter when it comes to her opinions.  I don't believe DH would be successful in court if it came down to that sort of scenario. 

I see a parallel! MIL has lived alone for over 40 years. Married and divorced 3X.

Ironically, the reason that she bought such a big house and fixed up the downstairs is that she planned on having her sister or SIL move in with her...only she forgot to ask them if they would be willing to do so. Oddly enough there's been no takers for "free" rent.

[zibazinski]

Oddly enough, my kids gave me so much crap about letting them know EVERYTHING. After my mom died and left a cluster F, they shut up about my planning.

[whoami]

Jul 8, 2013 13:50:56 GMT -5 @bonnap said:

Ironically, the reason that she bought such a big house and fixed up the downstairs is that she planned on having her sister or SIL move in with her...only she forgot to ask them if they would be willing to do so. Oddly enough there's been no takers for "free" rent.

Yeah I'm familiar with the concept of "free" stuff too....it comes with strings attached long enough to traverse the distance to the sun.  Forget it.

[whoami]

Jul 8, 2013 14:39:04 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Oddly enough, my kids gave me so much crap about letting them know EVERYTHING. After my mom died and left a cluster F, they shut up about my planning.

I have a binder for each of my kids and one for my trustee.  It has everything in it they would ever need.  We are redoing our wills in January and will update the binders at the same time.

[happyhoix]

Mine had to be rescued too....she somehow locked herself in her bathroom and couldn't get out. Still haven't figured that one out. She has enough money to go into a hospice facility of her choice but refuses to make the call. She had even more money, but gave away a majority of her cash estate earlier this year. It was another WTF moment as I told DH she should have waited until later or just addressed it in the will. I told him you cant give all your money away and then expect the state to pay your bills if it were to come to that. We had no real idea how long she had (and really still don't) and she was writing checks left and right.

Whoami your MIL may have dementia. When my mom first started down that path, she became like your MIL - she refused to make decisions on what she wanted, but she would become furious if someone made a decision for her. As we were trying to relocate her from her home into a retirement community and she had to downsize from a large four bedroom house into a one bedroom townhome, she had to shed a significant amount of furniture and general crap (she was a borderline hoarder). She struggled with parting with every single thing, and was in denial about a lot of things - the size of her new townhome, for one thing. As she moved further into dementia she became more seperated from reality. Now, although she's extremely unstable when she tries to walk, she believes she can hop up from her chair and run across the room without her walker or wheelchair. When she tries, she falls down, and they have to contact the EMT's to evaluate her each and every time she falls. But if you tell her she just isn't stable enough to try to walk without assistance, she gets angry. In her mind, she's still an active middle aged person planning her wedding to her new boyfriend, not an 83 year old who wears diapers and can't walk without assistance.

It's tragic. And it's hard for those of us who deal with her, because she's frequently angry and argumentative.

I don't know what they pay the assisted living employees, but it isn't enough.

[Shooby]

  I haven't read all the posts, but here is my general advice.  I have to head out shortly.

  I have lost both parents.  And, it is still weird to think that they are gone.  My mom passed away just recently in March.   It feels like i have lost a big chunk of my past.  And, now have to forge ahead without them.  My dad died suddenly so there was nothing to prepare for.
  I then had to go about helping my mom when she became a widow.  She didn't know how to manage finances or anything like that.  She kept the family home and then eventually, it seemed like a good move to move her to my city and rent a small apt.  This worked out well for about 3 - 4 years.  Then she started the down hill decline.   She wound up with emergency open heart.  I tried to let her go back to her home after all that ordeal and enlisted the help of Homecare Aides.  This worked only for a brief period, then she was rehospitalized and things went from bad to worse.  She had some stays in the hospital and rehab ultimately being transferred to a nursing home to try and recover.  Again, she did OK and i was able to get her into Assisted Living.  She functioned OK in that area for a brief period.  With Assisted Care you pretty much have to be very good to do self care.  Anyway, it became clear she couldn't care for herself.  Then she moved on to the General Nursing home and from there to the Dementia/Alzheimers unit.  When she really started down that path, it was at that point that i made her a DNR.  There was nothing else to be done that could improve her other than having her linger for a long time.    She passed away peacefully in March.
 
  As for how you deal with it, the best advice i have is to take it one day at a time.  Things will work themselves out and become clear.  You don't have to have all the answers or figure it out because the reality is that none of us know how the end stages of life will play out for anyone.  So, don't make yourself crazy over thinking you have to every in place because that is impossible.

  Anyway, when need to cry, you should.  It is hard watching your parents deteriorate.  And, just hug them and love them and take things one day at a time.

[Deleted]

It's very hard and I'm sorry you have to go through this. 

[Nazgul Girl]

   Very sorry that you are going through this time.   I lost my mother to Alzheimers and a fall which caused a hemorhage in her brain.   She had been debilitated for about a year, and was supposed to go into assisted living the following weekend.   She just didn't make it there.

    My father is unique in that he's 88 1/2 y.o. and is still alert and extremely active.   Right now, he is crusing on his large boat with my stepmother.   They're on the Great Lakes for a week.   They can navigate, dock, he can fix the engines, and they manage everything on the 46-footer.  It's old but in great shape.   The only things he gets help with are painting it ( ! ) and having the twin engines overhauled once in awhile.   I expect him to go until he just drops, or until the prostate cancer he has ( watch and wait for 17 years ) gets him.   But for right now, he's the same guy as he has been for the last 25 years or so.    He lets us do the driving when we go out with them, though.       We got very lucky with Dad.   I told him he's unique and one of a kind.   ( My word-itis is showing up.   I can't think of the exact word which I called him, but I typed the wrong one.   Oh well. )

[cronewitch]

Dad was 12 years older than mom and smoked. His mind was fine but he had breathing issues, heart attacks and a stroke besides leg issues from an accident. Mom took care of him so we didn't really have to do much for him. Then mom was a widow for 20 years 15 in the old house. We had to help her with heavy chores like putting up a new fence and painting but she hired out the yard work. She got too lonely and the house was too much for her so my brother offered to sell her house and his house and buy a big house to share 5 years ago. So he got a 5 bedroom house and she moved in with him and his wife. I took her shopping most weekends after he sold her car. We drove her on all long trips the last few years even when she had a car. I took her on trips to see her sister and other people. Her mind was good to the very end until the last hour or so. The last 20 days was very hard so we hired full time care for her at home the last two or three days she couldn't even get to the bathroom with help. I am glad she didn't have years of those really bad days and really only the last 3 were bad where she couldn't come to the table for meals.

[happyscooter]

Speaking from experience on executors of wills.  Please stress to your parents/inlaws that an executor should be someone who is organized and lives in the area.  An executor does not get everything that belonged to the deceased, your parents/inlaws will list the heirs in the will.  Some people get confused about that.  They should not make the older son the executor if he cannot perform the duties-for whatever reason.   They should not make 2 or more people co-executors if they can't get along.  They also should not make someone the executor if they think the person will use the money left to 'help' them perform the duties.  An executor can claim expenses like gas or rental car or hotel room and take it from the estate.  But they cannot stay in a hotel for $400 a night, eat at a high dollar restaurant every night and run up bills.

Ask your mom and dad to get out their pictures.  Ask them to lay them out and divide them, maybe by family and friends.  On one visit, go through and write on the back who the people are and the years.  Reminisce.  Have a good laugh.  Smile and talk about good times.

Have a good cry whenever the mood hits.  Don't apologize to anyone.