I shouldn't be sad, but I am. Spinoff of agilemom!

[HoneyBBQ]

I have always worked in an academic setting. Colleagues are friends, friends are colleagues. Whenever we weren't too busy, we'd all go out to lunch together. And no matter what, there was always somebody you could grab and get a bite to eat or some coffee or something. We'd have happy hour at least once a month. Some of my old colleagues are my dearest friends. Came to visit me when I had my baby in the hospital, go to their weddings, etc.

At the start of the year I switched jobs and moved... I'm in private practice now, and I guess the position I took was slightly controversial. Without going into too much detail, the group in general is unhappy with the leadership, and the leadership hand-picked me as the right person for this job.

Unfortunately, they are really letting me know it. In subtle, but definitely recognizable ways. My colleagues all go out to lunch occasionally (not as often as my old job) and they never ask me. Once I saw a colleague in the hall way and asked what he was up to since he usually works off site. Said he was going out to lunch with a guy at my site. I asked if I could join them and he bluntly said 'no.' Which was fine, except today 5 people went off (some from off site) and I saw them all coming back laughing. 

It's stupid, but it hurts my feelings. I'm a friendly, nice person (in real life, anyways, maybe not here). This lack of friendship/niceties is really hurtful. Especially since it doesn't have anything to do with me, but what I represent taking this role here. We are all the same level. But I'm on the only girl... and the only white girl at that. So I ate lunch at my desk again.

It's silly. I know they don't *have* to like me. But I wish they would have at least tried to get to know me before deciding they didn't.  

[snapdragon]

But I'm on the only girl... and the only white girl at that. So I ate lunch at my desk again.

Honey -  it sounds like you are stuck in the middle. Not a good place to be.  People can be very thoughtless sometimes. 

I believe what will help you a bit is if you left the building for lunch, is there a green space by your work or a park? - Only if it's eating in your car just so you can get away from the office. Maybe you can find others outside of the office to have lunch with. If people see you outside of the office it might prompt someone to ask you about your plans for lunch.

I take my lunch in my car daily just for the relief of getting out of the office and away from the work mindset.

Maybe this won't help but it is something to try a few times a week.

[thyme4change]

Meryl Streep said that life was like high school.  And she meant it in an insulting way.  You are finding out the unfortunate truth that the rules that applied in high school, are the rules that apply to life.  Sorry.

[Virgil Showlion]

All you can really do is be personable.

Their loss.

[formerroomate99]

I had a job like that, came in with two strikes against me.  You'll just need to find some more joy outside work because you're not going to get it there.  Sorry. 

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"But I'm on the only girl... and the only white girl at that. So I ate lunch at my desk again.":::...

I feel like I'm in some discrimination attorney's dream!  You've got two aces right there!

I'm vindictive by nature, so I could totally be the kind of supervisor that times their lunch breaks, and has a leave slip on their desks if they are a minute late.

[HoneyBBQ]

Jun 17, 2013 16:43:07 GMT -5 formerroomate99 said:

I had a job like that, came in with two strikes against me.  You'll just need to find some more joy outside work because you're not going to get it there.  Sorry. 

I have a lot of joy outside work, thankfully. Kid, hobbies, spouse, etc.


I just miss the companionship of smart and friendly colleagues. I know most people hate the people they work with and can't wait to get rid of them.... I just usually like mine. 


Doing my own thing at lunch might be a good idea. At least it'll get me out of the building.

[HoneyBBQ]

Jun 17, 2013 16:46:19 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

...:::"But I'm on the only girl... and the only white girl at that. So I ate lunch at my desk again.":::...

I feel like I'm in some discrimination attorney's dream!  You've got two aces right there!

I'm vindictive by nature, so I could totally be the kind of supervisor that times their lunch breaks, and has a leave slip on their desks if they are a minute late.

LOL. We're all salary so it doesn't matter. Lunch, no lunch, it's all the same.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Can't you lunch with the other leadership that they don't like?  Occasionally, after a lunch, tell someone "not to get too comfortable".

[thyme4change]

Are they all the same nationality?  Perhaps East Indian?  There is a weird male/female thing there.  I can see how it would be hard to fit in.

[Deleted]

Maybe you could Skype at lunch now and then with your friends, or maybe we need a 'doing lunch thread' here....

[HoneyBBQ]

Jun 17, 2013 16:55:00 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Are they all the same nationality?  Perhaps East Indian?  There is a weird male/female thing there.  I can see how it would be hard to fit in.

Yes, no. I'm sure that has something to do with it. Which is funny. Lots of my friends at my last job were Indian and they were awesome people. We would go to the Indian buffet all the time. I had no problems with male/female dynamics at all there.

[thyme4change]

Well - there is a billion of them.  Some of the are awesome people.  And some are outrageous a-holes.  LOL - just like all the other nationalities.  

[formerroomate99]

Some groups just aren't that chummy.  In my group, it is pretty rare to see people going to lunch together, while another group goes to lunch together all the time. In both cases, everyone in each group seems to get along just fine, so I don't really understand why they behave so differently. One reason my old job was so unfriendly was because they had layoffs every year or two and the atmosphere of fear it created made everyone very cliquish.  There are also times where they might get the impression that you don't have the same interests as them.  So I wouldn't necessairly jump to the conclusion that they aren't inviting you to lunch because they don't like you. 

[Abby Normal]

How sad. Unfortunately some places are like that and it makes you feel isolated.  Try doing your own thing at lunch. Maybe go out for a walk.  Or fire one of them and hire another female. 

[thyme4change]

Wait - are these your peers, or are you the boss?

[MarleyKeezy78]

Awwww, I feel for you, I once worked in a office where everyone including the bosses and receptionist went out to lunch to celebrate a coworkers birthday and they did not invite me and the receptionist asked me to answer the phones   I think about 10 or so people all went. I was not well liked because I was the outsider and did not conform to their uppity selves ( I am more hippy dippy  ) I do hope things get better for you though because it doesn't feel nice 

[HoneyBBQ]

Jun 17, 2013 18:45:01 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Wait - are these your peers, or are you the boss?

I'm their peer, but I'm in a more leadership-driven position due to being more senior. They do not answer to me nor do I have anything to do with their position/role/salary/etc.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Uggh, tricky. I'm just finished my first year as the boss. It's definitely different, and the lack of work "friendships" is hard.
I'm sorry they're excluding you. Are there other people in the building somewhere you can be-friend?
Male/female relationships are tricky also. I'm sure you're a hottie, and they don't want to get in trouble with their SOs for hanging out with you.

[Deleted]

I don't think your feelings are stupid at all.  It is hard to be excluded.  You are quite new to this position - just a month or so into it I think.  I would give it some more time.  This is a subtle way that the pre-existing team is showing their dissatisfaction with decisions that were made.  Maybe someone in that group thought they were a contender for the leadership position, so they've all got their noses out of joint at the moment. It feels personal, but may have absolutely nothing to do with you!

I was an outsider and people had been fired and demoted right ahead of my arrival - a major restructuring. It was a painful integration, but over time it resolved. It was also the first time they had female leadership.  I made a lot of changes and strengthened the team.  Sometimes they didn't understand or like the decisions I made, but in retrospect they can now see that it made them a better, higher performing team. They are well respected in the organization and have a voice that they didn't have before.

No one likes change. You need to decide what will help them adapt and move forward.  Will organizing some facilitated group bonding activities help?  In my former place I would have done that in a second because people were receptive to participating and learning about others.  In the current place it would have been so foreign that it would not have worked. Food however was a hook for most of the team.  Bringing them treats every couple of weeks thawed them out.

Do you have the ability to organize a group lunch where food is brought in?  We used to do 'brown bag' sessions where a presenter was brought in to cover an interesting topic, we provided lunch, and it gave an opportunity for people to interact, be fed (always popular), and learn a little something.  

Your statement that you are the 'only white girl' might be very telling - the area you are in is predominantly Caucasian & Asian but you feel segregated from the cultural group you are interacting with.  If that was my environment I would not be calling myself out as the only 'white' one.  Is the culture one that you have not had experience with before?  Maybe doing some formal learning on how to integrate with that specific ethnic group would be good for you & help you make headway in understanding their social norms.  You are also in an area that is well known for it's "freeze" phenomenon.  Not the easiest place for being social!

[Formerly SK]

Jun 17, 2013 16:38:56 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Meryl Streep said that life was like high school.  And she meant it in an insulting way.  You are finding out the unfortunate truth that the rules that applied in high school, are the rules that apply to life.  Sorry.

My 6yo DD came home the other day complaining about some kids in her class.  Every day one kid is selected to be a leader and they oversee the others during carpet time and at the end award prizes to the two kids who were most behaved.  DD complained that there were a couple kids who always just gave the prizes to their friends, even if their friends were misbehaving.  She felt it was so unfair they weren't following the rules of the system.

Poor thing....she has so much to learn. 

[whoisjohngalt]

I don't have any useful advice, just wanted to say that i am sorry you feel so left out.  You have such a friendly face - I can't imagine anyone not wanting to be nice to you

[HoneyBBQ]

Jun 18, 2013 5:59:12 GMT -5 @rockit said:

I don't think your feelings are stupid at all.  It is hard to be excluded.  You are quite new to this position - just a month or so into it I think.  I would give it some more time.  This is a subtle way that the pre-existing team is showing their dissatisfaction with decisions that were made.  Maybe someone in that group thought they were a contender for the leadership position, so they've all got their noses out of joint at the moment. It feels personal, but may have absolutely nothing to do with you!

I was an outsider and people had been fired and demoted right ahead of my arrival - a major restructuring. It was a painful integration, but over time it resolved. It was also the first time they had female leadership.  I made a lot of changes and strengthened the team.  Sometimes they didn't understand or like the decisions I made, but in retrospect they can now see that it made them a better, higher performing team. They are well respected in the organization and have a voice that they didn't have before.

No one likes change. You need to decide what will help them adapt and move forward.  Will organizing some facilitated group bonding activities help?  In my former place I would have done that in a second because people were receptive to participating and learning about others.  In the current place it would have been so foreign that it would not have worked. Food however was a hook for most of the team.  Bringing them treats every couple of weeks thawed them out.

Do you have the ability to organize a group lunch where food is brought in?  We used to do 'brown bag' sessions where a presenter was brought in to cover an interesting topic, we provided lunch, and it gave an opportunity for people to interact, be fed (always popular), and learn a little something.  

Your statement that you are the 'only white girl' might be very telling - the area you are in is predominantly Caucasian & Asian but you feel segregated from the cultural group you are interacting with.  If that was my environment I would not be calling myself out as the only 'white' one.  Is the culture one that you have not had experience with before?  Maybe doing some formal learning on how to integrate with that specific ethnic group would be good for you & help you make headway in understanding their social norms.  You are also in an area that is well known for it's "freeze" phenomenon.  Not the easiest place for being social!

Thanks for your thoughts. I did post I am the only "white" girl... and normally I wouldn't imagine that sort of data was relevant. As you may know, I'm in a STEM field, so being the only girl isn't that much of a rarity.  However, I have often worked as a minority (?) if you will - but this situation is very different. Even when I was in the minority, everyone spoke English (as is common courtesy and usually required by employers). Here there is a lot of non-English being spoken between colleagues (not me obviously). So not only is it isolating, it's also odd. 

The other suggestions are good ones. I do know how to make cookies. Luckily everyone else I work with (nurses, etc) are very friendly with me and I get along with them fine. It's just the direct peer-link that I am missing here.

[HoneyBBQ]

Jun 18, 2013 10:24:23 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

I don't have any useful advice, just wanted to say that i am sorry you feel so left out.  You have such a friendly face - I can't imagine anyone not wanting to be nice to you

Aww, thanks. 

[formerroomate99]

Defintely get the heck out of the office every day.  Even if you eat lunch at your desk, get out.  Do some shopping or something. 

[steph08]

Being excluded from stuff is the worst thing for me. I had a lot of problems with it in college. And I still feel it now and then from the in-laws. It just really bothers me, so I can relate to the way you feel.

Before some cube moving, I used to eat lunch with coworkers, but now nobody really eats together. Sometimes different people go out together, but I'm never invited (I'm also 15+ years younger than almost all of my coworkers). That does irritate me sometimes, but it's not like I hang out with my coworkers outside of work, we're not friends, so I just try to ignore it. 

I hate sitting in my cube over lunch, so I go out and run most days. Or I go walk around the mall - anything to get out of the office. So that is what I would recommend - getting out for a little bit and away from those people so you don't have to see them come back from lunch/hear them talking, etc.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Here there is a lot of non-English being spoken between colleagues (not me obviously). So not only is it isolating, it's also odd.

That was my former lab.  Chinese lab tech only associated with other Chinese lab workers and only conversed in Chinese. 

They weren't bad people but didn't want to socialize with anyone other than themselves.  That was made pretty clear by the fact they made sure nobody else could understand what they said.

I found other people to associate with if I wanted to socialize.  I found a lot of friendly people outside of them,  including quite a few non-native English speakers.

Overtime the flavor of our lab changed.  Students came in, a new postdoc was hired and eventually our Chinese co-worker became the outlier since she wanted nothing to do with us.  So being the odd duck probably won't last forever.

I get how you feel, but there isn't anything you're going to be able to do to break into the group if they don't want you in. 

[HoneyBBQ]

Yup, thanks Drama. That's pretty much the situation.  I realize there's nothing I can really do. Just need to do my own thing - get some sun and walk around I guess.

[whoisjohngalt]

OK, now I just really want to know what you do.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I met a lot of people from the other labs in the community break room.  Also had lots of opportunities to meet people while standing around in the hallway drinking my tea.  We couldn't have drinks in the lab so this old file cabinet in the hallway became our drink stand and we'd chat while standing around it.