Real fathers...

[Deleted]

WTF is that? All over Facebook: happy Father's Day to the REAL fathers yet you don't see that on Mother's Day.

We got some crappy mothers out there too you know....

[The Home 6]

It's not politically correct to denigrate women?

I know what you mean, though, Carl. At least some people are recognizing the sacrifices made by step-dads, and non-bio dads, though, yes? Silver lining?

[Miss Tequila]

That is a great point. The only thing I can think is that it is much more common for me to walk away from their responsibilities as dads then it is for women to walk away. Not that women don't so it, too.

I know several women (some in my own family) who have had to raise kids by themselves because the dads walked away. I only know one case where the mom walked away.

[Deleted]

Single motherhood is a plague in this country.  I say this as someone who had that status for 6 years after my divorce from a man who in the end, didn't live up to his responsibility as a father.  I know there are men who lose custody and would give anything to see more of their kids, and I know there are men who get stuck when the wife walks out but the reverse happens a lot more often.  Kids need fathers, I don't care how wonderful a job the mother is doing.  And yes, we do need to celebrate fathers who take their role seriously, and all the wonderful men (including my DS and his own stepfather) who step in when Bio Dad is out of the picture.

[midjd]

I know several women (some in my own family) who have had to raise kids by themselves because the dads walked away. I only know one case where the mom walked away.

Same here, although for the people I know I'd put the ratio at about 10 deadbeat dads for every 1 deadbeat mom. I've seen several posts where the person wishes a happy father's day to their father and stepfather, which I think is nice. You can never have too many involved parents in your life.

[Shooby]

How is it being offensive to say kids need their fathers?

[Deleted]

Jun 16, 2013 11:30:39 GMT -5 @tbird said:

I can only assume you are against lesbian couples raising children as those kids "need" a father and you don't care how great a job the mothers are doing....

Any parent loving and caring and guiding a child is a good parent and deserving of respect and acknowledgement on these 'honorary' days - whether they are mothers or fathers whether they are biological, step, or adoptive or even grandparents or aunts/uncles who take on that role.

You assume wrong. I do not consider a household with 2 same-sex parents to be a single-parent household. Before I moved out of NJ, I belonged to a church that happily baptized the children of same-sex couples and welcomed them into the community.  For awhile, FaceBook randomly chose as my Wall picture a shot of me at a party celebrating the marriage of 2 wonderful women who had recently been married in a nearby state.  I love seeing the pictures of their 2 adorable, brilliant kids on FB every once in awhile.

I do think children of either sex need parental figures of both sexes. I couldn't teach my son to be a guy, for example. I had no experience with football (or any other sports) or fistfights or the male experience of puberty. I've also seen the healthy yin and yang of raising DS with current DH; we look at things differently and the truth is generally in the middle.

At his wedding reception, DS said to the whole group that I was "the best mother in the world". It warmed my heart, but he wouldn't be half the wonderful young man he is without the influence of DH and other good men in the family.

[Opti]

Jun 16, 2013 10:18:07 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

WTF is that? All over Facebook: happy Father's Day to the REAL fathers yet you don't see that on Mother's Day.

We got some crappy mothers out there too you know....

Its probably because sperm donors are more likely to not live with their kids and take care of them versus egg donors. My guess is it is to give praise to those men who raise kids whether they are biologically their own or not.

[Deleted]

Jun 16, 2013 11:49:53 GMT -5 Shooby said:

How is it being offensive to say kids need their fathers?

Yeah, I was wondering that too.

[raeoflyte]

We throw around man up and ve a real man all the time. I think its just another societal judgment that in the end means very little since everyone has a different definition of what a real dad is.

[steff]

We have always wished my mom Happy Father's Day.  My step dad was a monster, my real dad decided being a dad wasn't something on his life to do list. 

It is what it is.  We don't get to pick our parents & sometimes the ones we get are the suckiest of the bunch. 

[Deleted]

OK, I've been thinking about what I REALLY meant and that maybe it came out all wrong.  Will you give me a bit of a break if I told you I got about 5 hours of sleep last night and burned over 800 calories in a sprint triathlon before writing that?

I thought about my friend who, at the age of 40 with no viable candidate for Bio Dad in sight, decided it was now or never and conceived a wonderful little boy with donor sperm.  I might have done the same thing at that age if I hadn't had DS.  I realized that I'd been sexually active since 17 and DS was my one pregnancy and I wasn't married, but he was an accidentally-on-purpose and if Bio Dad and I hadn't gotten married I would have been fully capable of providing for him on my own.  I was 30 and had completed a series of grueling professional exams and had a good job.  (And, BTW, my friend makes sure her DS spends plenty of time around her father and other male family members, and I did the same with DS after divorcing his father.)

What bothers me is the epidemic (probably a little kinder than "plague") of women who haven't even started their educations or  have no way to support a baby without help from parents and the taxpayers, get pregnant.  Yeah, I know they don't do it alone but usually it's the woman who's now made it extremely difficult to make her own way in the world because 99% of the time she's got kid duty.  WTH are they thinking?  A few are failures of carefully-used BC (my nephew's wife was on the Pill and is expecting twins) but they can't all be.  I know I was scrupulous to avoid pregnancy because I had other plans and got careless only when my Bio Clock got real loud and I was established in my career.

I know there are success stories.  My niece who had a baby at 19 and is now married to a wonderful young man and is pursuing advanced training in radiology is one.  I know there are similar stories on this Board.  It just bothers me that for every success story, there are a lot where the woman is left with the kids, the guy is nowhere, the taxpayers foot the bill, and the kids grow up without a father.  It's just sad and I don't have an answer for how to change things.

[Peace Of Mind]

Jun 16, 2013 10:56:23 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

That is a great point. The only thing I can think is that it is much more common for me to walk away from their responsibilities as dads then it is for women to walk away. Not that women don't so it, too.

I know several women (some in my own family) who have had to raise kids by themselves because the dads walked away. I only know one case where the mom walked away.

That kind of surprises me.    

I think the point of that being said on your FB, Carl is that there are a lot of donors only and a lot of men who step up to the plate and raise kids that are not biologically theirs.    It could be friends, uncles, brothers, step dads, etc.   They are saying that those men are their real fathers and not the sperm donors.  <<removes Captain Obvious hat>> 

[Miss Tequila]

Jun 16, 2013 14:14:38 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

Jun 16, 2013 10:56:23 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

That is a great point. The only thing I can think is that it is much more common for me to walk away from their responsibilities as dads then it is for women to walk away. Not that women don't so it, too.

I know several women (some in my own family) who have had to raise kids by themselves because the dads walked away. I only know one case where the mom walked away.

That kind of surprises me.    

I think the point of that being said on your FB, Carl is that there are a lot of donors only and a lot of men who step up to the plate and raise kids that are not biologically theirs.    It could be friends, uncles, brothers, step dads, etc.   They are saying that those men are their real fathers and not the sperm donors.  <<removes Captain Obvious hat>> 

Lol!! If only it were that easy for me to walk away! (Just kidding, I love my kiddos)

[zibazinski]

DF raised two children that were not his own. If not for him, they'd be losers like their mother. His guiding influence made them into productive citizens that they are today. Are they perfect? No, unfortunately, he didn't get them totally in time to undo the damage their mother did but he has done a fine job with them and I'm proud of him.

[formerroomate99]

Single motherhood is a plague in this country. ......

Kids need fathers, I don't care how wonderful a job the mother is doing.


Why isn't it absentee fathers or deadbeat fathers that is the plague? Why is the parent actually being a parent that is the plague?

May I point out that it's kinda hard for kids to grow up without a father without the 'fathers' being utterly dishonerable like your baby daddies were.  So when someone talks about single motherhood being  a bad thing, don't take it as a jab against the mothers.  It's a jab against the 'fathers'.  You shouldn't have been put in the position you were in.  

Even if it was the result of a drunken one night stand with a woman who is trainwreck, I'd be very ashamed if one of my sons walked away from a child like your children's fathers did.  It isn't what decent people do. 

[formerroomate99]

It's just a demographic, not a cause of anything.

That is true when it is a rare occurrance.  But when it becomes as common as dirt for one person to be doing the job of two, and there aren't a lot of real fathers in the community to pick up the slack, balls are going to get dropped and it does become an issue, a very big issue.  

Even though my father died when I was a kid, he was around long enough for me to see how a real man treats a woman, and what a real man is.  I didn't melt into a puddle of easily manipulated emotions because some boy said he loved me.  I knew I was loved and lovable.  And I always had very high expecations of the men in my life.  Had my expectations been shaped by the childish 'Dad Boy' creatures on network TV or a string of my mom's  boyfriends, I might have resigned myself to doing the Marriage = Adoption thing that so many women fall into. 

[thyme4change]

I think the real question is - if you are a crappy mom, should you still get flowers on mothers day?

[Phoenix84]

I am not on facebook, so I never saw this.  But I agree it's a condescending thing to say.  I guess it's a ill mannered way of giving recognition to step fathers?  Or maybe it's just some people on face book have resentment/daddy issues.

It is a disservice to the sacrifices and hard work many men put into being fathers.

[Phoenix84]

Jun 16, 2013 10:56:23 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

That is a great point. The only thing I can think is that it is much more common for me to walk away from their responsibilities as dads then it is for women to walk away. Not that women don't so it, too.

I know several women (some in my own family) who have had to raise kids by themselves because the dads walked away. I only know one case where the mom walked away.

Still, it seems a condescending and bitter thing to post about.

[Phoenix84]

Jun 16, 2013 11:30:39 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Jun 16, 2013 11:05:41 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Single motherhood is a plague in this country.  I say this as someone who had that status for 6 years after my divorce from a man who in the end, didn't live up to his responsibility as a father.  I know there are men who lose custody and would give anything to see more of their kids, and I know there are men who get stuck when the wife walks out but the reverse happens a lot more often.  Kids need fathers, I don't care how wonderful a job the mother is doing.  And yes, we do need to celebrate fathers who take their role seriously, and all the wonderful men (including my DS and his own stepfather) who step in when Bio Dad is out of the picture.

Once again, you are being very offensive to single mothers - but then - you don't care how great a job they are doing so I suppose you don't care you are being offensive to them.

Kids need adults that love and care for and guide them.  I can only assume you are against lesbian couples raising children as those kids "need" a father and you don't care how great a job the mothers are doing....

Any parent loving and caring and guiding a child is a good parent and deserving of respect and acknowledgement on these 'honorary' days - whether they are mothers or fathers whether they are biological, step, or adoptive or even grandparents or aunts/uncles who take on that role.

And you're basically saying kids DON'T need fathers, which is very offensive to fathers.  If a single mom can do just as well as any Dad, therefore fathers aren't needed.  So I would look in the mirror before you start playing the "offensive" card.

[formerroomate99]

Jun 17, 2013 12:28:39 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

I think the real question is - if you are a crappy mom, should you still get flowers on mothers day?

Depends on your definition of crappy and what the outside circumstances are.  My father's childhood was far from happy, but it was 100 times better than either of his parent's childhoods.  The mistakes they made, while considerable, were due to ignorance and brokenness, not malice or indifference. 

[Tennesseer]

There are sperm donors and then there are the men who helped raise and guide you to adulthood. The ones we honor are those who helped raise and guide us to adulthood and beyond.

[Abby Normal]

I was happy when they finally started coming out with some dysfunctional family Father's day cards a  few years back.  For years I had the hardest time trying to find a card for mine and DH"S dad.  You need something between " You mean the world to me" and "FU"- because you still have to recognize them on the day.

And we needed Step father cards.  It was about 10 years ago when we finally started seeing those.

[formerroomate99]

Jun 17, 2013 12:50:19 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

Jun 16, 2013 11:30:39 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Once again, you are being very offensive to single mothers - but then - you don't care how great a job they are doing so I suppose you don't care you are being offensive to them.

Kids need adults that love and care for and guide them.  I can only assume you are against lesbian couples raising children as those kids "need" a father and you don't care how great a job the mothers are doing....

Any parent loving and caring and guiding a child is a good parent and deserving of respect and acknowledgement on these 'honorary' days - whether they are mothers or fathers whether they are biological, step, or adoptive or even grandparents or aunts/uncles who take on that role.

And you're basically saying kids DON'T need fathers, which is very offensive to fathers.  If a single mom can do just as well as any Dad, therefore fathers aren't needed.  So I would look in the mirror before you start playing the "offensive" card.

As someone who had a father and then didn't, yes my mother was both capable and loving, did a great job, and did find me positive male rolemodels, but it just isn't the same as having loving father at home every day. 

And even though I went through my teen years without a father, I knew he fought tooth and nail to stick around.  I wasn't abandoned.   

[Deleted]

I was listening to the radio while getting gas/breakfast for DH and I on Sunday and someone called in a shout-out to their mother who raised them single-handedly.  We just had a day for that last month - MOTHER'S DAY!!!  I know single parents do a LOT more work than parents who work in concert with one another to raise their kids, but I think it's just tacky to celebrate a mother on Father's Day (and a father on Mother's Day I guess, but you really don't see that).  Sorry if that offends anyone - it's just my opinion.

And I agree that kids need role models from both genders - they don't even have to be parents.  They need to SEE the proper way that men/women behave, and only a proper man/woman can do that.


Wow, I guess I'm a lot less progressive than I thought!

[Miss Tequila]

Jun 17, 2013 12:47:35 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

Jun 16, 2013 10:56:23 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

That is a great point. The only thing I can think is that it is much more common for me to walk away from their responsibilities as dads then it is for women to walk away. Not that women don't so it, too.

I know several women (some in my own family) who have had to raise kids by themselves because the dads walked away. I only know one case where the mom walked away.

Still, it seems a condescending and bitter thing to post about.

I agree to a point...but most of the posts that I saw on FB about "real fathers" were from women whose second husband's picked up the slack left behind by loser fathers who walked away.  Or single moms who have taken on both roles because the father walked away.  KNowing the source of the post makes a huge difference when interpreting whether it is condescending or not.

My favorit is "anyone can be a father, it takes a real man to be a dad"...that was posted by a friend of mine who got knocked up by her high school sweetheart not long after graduation..he dumped her like a hot potato and hasn't seen his child since.  Step dad is awesome but has no biological children of his own...I totally see why my friend wrote what she did.  It is a very sweet tribute to the her husband and the real dad of her son.

Me thinks a lot of people are way too easily offended

[Miss Tequila]

Jun 17, 2013 13:02:59 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

I was listening to the radio while getting gas/breakfast for DH and I on Sunday and someone called in a shout-out to their mother who raised them single-handedly.  We just had a day for that last month - MOTHER'S DAY!!!  I know single parents do a LOT more work than parents who work in concert with one another to raise their kids, but I think it's just tacky to celebrate a mother on Father's Day (and a father on Mother's Day I guess, but you really don't see that).  Sorry if that offends anyone - it's just my opinion.

And I agree that kids need role models from both genders - they don't even have to be parents.  They need to SEE the proper way that men/women behave, and only a proper man/woman can do that.


Wow, I guess I'm a lot less progressive than I thought!

You're cranky!lol  I thought those shout outs to moms who also had to be dads was really sweet

[Deleted]

LMAO!  Don't get me wrong - I really take my hats off to the good single parents because I just don't know how they do all that they do.  I want to tear my hair out sometimes, and DH cares for DS as much as I do - I can't imagine having to do it all every single day.  So yes - you deserve a million kudos for doing such a great job with your kids.  But to me, a mom is a mom and a dad is a dad.  I'm not trying to minimize the role of single parents AT ALL - really.

[michelyn8]

I saw posts yesterday ranging from acknowledging step-fathers, honoring deceased fathers and praising bio-fathers.  But the best one I saw was from my son's bio-father (who agreed to let my parents adopt our son when he was aged 4 and has never been involved in his life) who recognized his own mother for the job she did as both mother and father.  And believe me, he put her through the ringer as a teen and the 20 plus years since.