Godparent questions

[swamp]

I don't even remember who my kids' godparents are.

But I do have a will that spells out guardianship and trusteeship. 

ETA:  DH and I don't have any disagreements on who would take care of the kids if we couldn't.  We both agree that our parents are too old, his brothers are useless, my sister is first in line, my brother is second, and don't let my brother be in charge of money. 

[Deleted]

I am a Godparent to two kids from two different friend's families. I don't know if I am supposed to do anything. I do not. I stood up there when they were baptized and one of them like to call me the Godfather. Other than that, I do nadda. Not even big gifts.

One of our girls has Godparents. The other does not because she has not been baptized yet.

We do not have a will, so upon our co-untimely deaths, our children will be ripped to shreds from our scavenger families trying to get custody.




I was playing cards with one of my God daughters and her mom posted the picture on facebook.  The godfather of my God daughter's brother (can you follow that) replied that he was disappointed in my spiritual guidance and that he had taught his godson to abstain from games of chance.    LOL.  what a jackass.

[Deleted]

My children do not have godparents, since we're a couple of heathens! 

I am godmother for one niece and one nephew, even though my sisters know full well that I am a non-believer.  Niece's Mom said that she knows I will at least teach her kids all about Catholicism and then let them decide, and nephew's Mom just wanted me to be a part of her son's life somehow.

My niece's parents have DH and I as guardians for their kids and we have them as guardians for ours. My siblings and I all have similar parenting styles, so I would be comfortable with any of them raising my kids in the event of DH and I's untimely demise. 

[Deleted]

It sounds good in theory, but how much control would she really have over what classes they took and such if she wasn't also the guardian?

[Wisconsin Beth]

My kids have godparents.  My sister and her husband for DD, my brother and his wife for DS.  (both relationships are 15+ years and counting and have 3 kids, we're stuck with them and they're stuck with us.)  I expect my sister and her husband to take both kids should anything happens to DH and me but there's nothing in writing yet.  She's also stated that should anything happen, she's taking the kids.

I am godparent to 2 of my nieces.  One is 18 and the other is 16.  So if anything happens, I'd take them but I suspect they'd prefer different aunts/uncles.  And I'm ok with that.  I have no expectations that I need to do anything other than money and/or gifts as needed at this point.  I did worry about it a bit when I/they were younger but figured it would all work out. 

*-*-
I guess I never really thought about educational goals with my kids, should anything happen to us.  Finishing high school is not optional for either DH's or my families.  College is more hit or miss.  I expect both of my kids will do college or trade schools but I don't know where their talents/interests will be at that point. 

[alabamagal]

My kids all had godparents. I vaguely remember who was godparent for each kid (3 kids age 18-22 now). The godparents were all family/close friends, but none of them live near us. None of the godparents really did anything special for any of the kids. It seemed like a big deal at the time, but looking back, it was kind of pointless.

We have a will that specifies my parents as guardians of my children, but that is kind of pointless now that they are all 18+ (thankfully pointless since that means we parents are alive and kicking!).

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I find godparents to be a meaningless title.  It doesn't hold any power if I haven't named them as legal guardians.

Gwen doesn't have any, we weren't asked to name any at her baptism and we wanted to avoid that minefield.

We still need to get a will done but SIL and her husband are who we have chosen to be Gwen's guardians in the event of our deaths.  We've already talked to her about it and she agreed, we just need to make it legal.

telling her that instead of being in charge of our kid's spiritual development, she'd be in charge of their educational development, at least at the HS level and beyond - would be a way to fulfill all our wishes

I wouldn't think she could do that if she isn't the legal guardian and whoever is disagrees with her. 

Everyone can swear up and down to your face they'll honor your wishes but once you are dead you have no way of controlling anything.  I think this would be more trouble than it's worth and most likely an empty gesture.

[Tennesseer]

God parents are (to me any way) simply an honorary religious title. To me it doesn't mean if something happens to both parents the child goes to the god parents. What happens if you have multiple children and each one has different god parents (as my siblings and I did). You wouldn't split up the children.

Additionally who you would like to raise your child(ren) today should something happen to you may be different in several years. Make sure your will dictates who the legal guardian should be for your child in case of unforeseen circumstances and keep it updated.

[midjd]

I don't know that I'd want her to specifically have control over the classes they took - but just to be a force in their lives pushing them academically, encouraging them to try hard, to help them with college applications, lighting a fire under their asses, etc. 

DH had no one to guide him through the process (our HS guidance counselor was a joke) and no one really pushing the idea of college, even though FIL had set money aside for it, so he didn't go. I don't want that to happen to our kid.

ILs are very mellow, go-with-the-flow people so I don't think they'd mind DSis stepping in on the education issue - honestly, given their inexperience in the area and comments they've made about my siblings' successes, I think they'd welcome the interference.

Everyone can swear up and down to your face they'll honor your wishes but once you are dead you have no way of controlling anything.

This is exactly why I'm not going to die for the next 18 years! 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I think it would be easier to pick guardians who share your values on education or at least close enough that you can live with it.  You can ask her but in the end there are no assurances she'd be in your kid's life when you pass.

We had a lot of talks about it and SIL comes closest to sharing our values.  So we picked her because we feel it'd be as close as we can reasonably expect to get to us.

[Tiny]

I'm an atheist - realized this while in Jr High at a Catholic Gradeschool - my ephiffany wasn't that I didn't have belief - it was that other people HAD belief (I assumed everyone was going thru the motions because it was what you did).

I'm godmother to 2 Lutheran kids and 1 Catholic kid. My family are mostly 'religious posers' and I've got the Catholic religious background (I let people assume I was Catholic). My SIL's Lutheran Pastor was OK even when I let it slip I had no belief. As part of the whole baptism - My SIL's Church had a 2 "church service" tradition. So, I got to go to a regular Sunday service and then a quick get together with the Pastor, parents, and god parents afterwards. I'll admit I'm biased. If I'm ever required to 'fake religiousness' I'll signup at my SIL's Lutheran Church and become Lutheran. I've been to the Church a bunch of times for 'spiritual milestones' for my godkids.

I've also been to all the 'spiritual milestones' for my Catholic godkid. I'm pretty positive the Catholic Church wants practicing Catholic godparents - or atleast someone who's Catholic. 22 years ago - the Catholic Church had problems baptizing one of my nephews because, while his dad was a practicing Catholic - his mother wasn't Catholic and one of his Godparents wouldn't be Catholic (but was a practicing member of another denomination). I think they were tightening up the rules back that.

If you aren't active in a Church (any denomination) I suspect you'll have to join the congregation in order to have you're kid baptised there. Just saying... I've heard of stories of young people attempting to get the 'Church Wedding' they've always dreamed of but then being turned away because they aren't practicing Whatevers OR they aren't the right denomination for the Church they want to use. I've heard the same thing with baptisms. If you aren't religious - you can have a naming ceremony with or without as much religious stuff as you want... it just won't happen in a Church.

[Cookies Galore]

I'm an atheist and godparent to my nephew. All i had to do was lie in church, lol. I think it's totally useless. The only education he gets from me is what adult phrases to not repeat.

[Deleted]

DS doesn't have godparents, but now I'm thinking about what would happen should DH and I die at the same time.  I feel really bad asking either of our parents to take him - they are years from retirement and wouldn't be able to retire at all if they had another kid now.  I don't have any siblings.  DH has a brother but I don't know if he would be able to handle that responsibility.  He also has a half-sister but she has 3 kids and a lazy ass husband of her own already - plus they are living with his mother and her GF.  I guess I could ask my cousin and his wife - they are 3 years younger than I am but they have their shit together and would make great parents.

[midjd]

So the consensus is that "godparent" is an empty title and probably useless in this situation?

Knowing my sister, she won't need special instructions to nag our kid, so it may be a moot point.

I will probably ask her how she feels about being named guardian 10ish years down the road. DH and I both agreed that we'd name her now IF she weren't 22 and just starting out in life. As responsible as she is, that's a huge burden for someone so young (especially someone who has deliberately chosen to put off having kids and focus on her career/education). In 10 years, ILs will probably be at the point where they'd rather be grandparents than FT parents, anyway.

[Tennesseer]

Guardians don't always have to be relatives. Remember this old saying 'You can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives.'

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

You can change it at anytime if you're still alive to do so.  We plan on putting in that SIL is Gwen's legal guardian but if either set of parents are alive at the time Gwen is free to live with them.

My parents currently are still trying to kick my brother out of the nest.  DH"s parents are already in their 80's.  So making them legal guardians is tricky.

But I pointed out to DH that Gwen might want to live someplace familar/comfortable to  her.  Like if she's going to WG she might want to stay with my parents rather than be completely uprooted.

We figure this is the best of both worlds.  Then we don't have to worry about naming  new guardians in hte event of DH's parents passing and don't ask my parents to become full time parents again in their 50's/60's.

[Deleted]

I've also been to all the 'spiritual milestones' for my Catholic godkid. I'm pretty positive the Catholic Church wants practicing Catholic godparents - or atleast someone who's Catholic. 22 years ago - the Catholic Church had problems baptizing one of my nephews because, while his dad was a practicing Catholic - his mother wasn't Catholic and one of his Godparents wouldn't be Catholic (but was a practicing member of another denomination). I think they were tightening up the rules back that.

The Church I grew up in (and where all the kiddos were baptized) requires that one of the godparents be a practicing member; the other is listed as "witness" on the baptismal certificate.  I did make my Confirmation back in the day, so maybe that's why I was good enough...

[muttleynfelix]

Jun 11, 2013 10:42:48 GMT -5 midjd said:

So the consensus is that "godparent" is an empty title and probably useless in this situation?

Knowing my sister, she won't need special instructions to nag our kid, so it may be a moot point.

I will probably ask her how she feels about being named guardian 10ish years down the road. DH and I both agreed that we'd name her now IF she weren't 22 and just starting out in life. As responsible as she is, that's a huge burden for someone so young (especially someone who has deliberately chosen to put off having kids and focus on her career/education). In 10 years, ILs will probably be at the point where they'd rather be grandparents than FT parents, anyway.

That is what my sister did. I think my parents were named guardians (but it might have been the in-laws) until her SIL was married and in her late 20s and then she and her DH became the guardians of the kids.

[thyme4change]

I hope we don't die at the same time.  If we do - our families will have to figure it out.  My sister will probably take them, and turn them into super-christians.  Did you hear that, God?  If you want my children's souls, you have to take me now.

[Sam_2.0]

We are going with friends in our legal papers. They know both families since we all grew up in church together, but this couple is the most like us in terms of preferences and parenting styles. And it avoids the family landmine.

With my parents, they also chose friends. Then, when I turned 21, it reverted to me for the youngest two kids. And now all their kids are grown adults & they don't have to worry about it.

[Regis]

My thought on godparents is that they should help in the spiritual upbringing of their god son or god daughter.  My kids' godparents would not be their legal guardians in case something happened to my wife and I.  The guardians are spelled out in our will and we had asked the potential guardians so they knew what to expect if my wife and I both died.

I am the godparent of my 17 year old nephew who was killed in a car accident two weeks ago.  I feel very guilty that I did not do more in guiding him in his faith.  So yeah, it's still a little raw emotionally for me right now but unlike some others who have responded, I believe that godparents can be very important.  My nephew's death was certainly a perspective-changing moment for me.

[kgb18]

To me godparents and legal guardianship are two different things, though they could also be the same.

I am a godparent and both of my children have godparents. I chose people who practice our religion and who I consider to be good examples for my children, not only as far as church, but life in general. I consider godparents to be role models. DD's godparents are very close friends of our family. I am their one son's godmother, the husband was my confirmation sponsor. DS's godparents are my aunt and uncle.

Guardians are the people who have legal custody over your kids. We have not named legal guardians and we really need to. We've been having a hard time deciding who to name. We agree on who we don't want to be their guardians. We just can't decide on who the best people would be.

[raeoflyte]

We are completey freaking out on the guardian thing. Our friend is who we had picked and discussed this with before ds was born, but he definitely has his own issues and I don't think he could take 2 even if he wanted to.

My sister has 18 cats so she's off the list. Dh's sister is awesome, but parenting styles and politically they are so opposite of us that I'm really not comfortable with her getting the kids. They would push college though.

I need to get the 40 year old version of my parents and we'd be set. But right now I am just determined not to die.

[sheilaincali]

Like a few others I am an atheist but I am godmother to one niece and one nephew (they happen to be siblings).  My brother hates me (his ex-wife picked the godparents) so I don't have a ton to do with my niece and nephew unless my ex SIL invites to things.  I get them presents on their birthdays and Christmas.

I better not be their guardian in any sort of will because those two kids are brats!  I should probably check on that to make sure I won't end up with them.  It's unlikely that my Bro and ex SIL will pass at the same time because they are divorced and are rarely in the same room with each other.

We had DS baptized as a gift to my Catholic parents.  His godmother is the same person as my godmother (my aunt).  She gives him a gift at Christmas.  She is aware that my son is an atheist (his choice) and doesn't push anything religious on him.  She is not listed as a guardian in our will.

In the event of our deaths my parents will take DS.  It would be the smoothest transition for him.  My siblings all have multiple kids much younger than DS and at my parents house he would continue to be in essence and only child and have the same basic lifestyle he has now.  He is 15 and my parents are well aware of his quirks and goals in life and our parenting style.

I have another niece and nephew that I am listed as guardian for in the event both parents pass.  They are the children of my best friend.  The kids consider us to be their "aunt" and "uncle" and our DS to be their surrogate big brother.  We spend a significant amount of time with them (especially the older one who is 7 as opposed to her 1 year old brother).  Spoil them rotten at birthdays, Christmas, etc.  Take her to the movies, out to dinner, the zoo, and so forth.  BFF occasionally attends church but does not consider herself religious. 

[bean29]

I have always figured that the Godparents would represent what you were all about to your kids if you were taken early.  For some reason my DH's brother's really don't know much about him IRL.  I think it is Jealosy b/c DH is very successful.  DS's Godparents are DH's friends from College.  Hispanic culture calls the Co-Padrinos ie. Co-Parents.  My DH's friend calls me Co-Madre.  It is  a very affectionate respectful greeting.

My In-laws provided Daycare for our kids from infant to late grade school.  Then they would drop in and feed the kids an after school snack/dinner (just to keep and eye on them).  DS in 19 and DD is 16.  We always planned to have the IL's take the kids but have a friend of DH's manage the inheritance.

I am Godparent to my DS's Oldest and Youngest.  DS never really asked me to take DD if someting happend to her.  I would, however her youngest is 8 and her oldest has a 5 year old and a 2 year old.  It would probably make more sense for him to take DN if something happened to DS.

My understanding of my role was to make sure her kids were schooled in the church if something happens to the parents.  My Mom does that.  I just attend the sacranents and provide gifts.  I do expect that if something happens to DS before DS is out of her teen years I will fill the role of my sister to meet DS's needs.  My SIL's are kind of teeming up to help one of my nieces through her teen years.  He Dad is around but they took her to planned parenthood and got her set up on BC.  My DH's family was kind of PO'd at first but I am not sure how DBIL felt as my SIL's are still fulfilling that role and it does not seem to be a secret.  I guess BIL just wanted to be in on the decision, but he is fine with my SIL's taking his DD to the clinic (her Mother is a deadbeat).  Kudos to my SIL's...I am not sure I would have been brave enough to do what they did.

[cronewitch]

Our family doesn't go to church or babtize babies so I don't even know anyone with god parents or who are god parents.

[kittensaver]

I agree with others who have said that "godparent" is an honorary title with religious significance only. Important for the people to whom such things matter and it should be respected as such, but meaningless in a legal/guardianship arena.

Name those for whom you wish your child to have an emotional or sentimental religious attachment as godparents. Name legal guardianship for those who you wish to raise your child should something happen (NOT!!) to you. They MIGHT be the same person(s), but probably won't be?

[thyme4change]

Jun 11, 2013 11:30:56 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

We are completey freaking out on the guardian thing. Our friend is who we had picked and discussed this with before ds was born, but he definitely has his own issues and I don't think he could take 2 even if he wanted to.

My sister has 18 cats so she's off the list. Dh's sister is awesome, but parenting styles and politically they are so opposite of us that I'm really not comfortable with her getting the kids. They would push college though.

I need to get the 40 year old version of my parents and we'd be set. But right now I am just determined not to die.

A couple of years ago my husband and I thought that we wanted to pick some good friends of ours.  They treated their kids like we treat ours.  Their parenting style is the same.  Their views on education are awesome.  They love our kids and our kids love them.  I thought it was a perfect fit.  Now, they are going off the deep end.  I think he is having some real mental health problems and their marriage is suffering because of it.  I'm glad we never did any paperwork, because if we died, I would have put them on what appears to be a sinking ship.  

My sister is a great mother, but like you, parenting styles and political and religious beliefs are not at all what we are planning to do.  But, education, college, career - perfect.  It might not be what I would do, but at least I know what is coming.  My sister has been consistently the same person since she was young.  She would do no harm.  

Ugh - I just won't die.  Decision...done.

[Deleted]

Jun 11, 2013 12:27:46 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Jun 11, 2013 11:30:56 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

We are completey freaking out on the guardian thing. Our friend is who we had picked and discussed this with before ds was born, but he definitely has his own issues and I don't think he could take 2 even if he wanted to.

My sister has 18 cats so she's off the list. Dh's sister is awesome, but parenting styles and politically they are so opposite of us that I'm really not comfortable with her getting the kids. They would push college though.

I need to get the 40 year old version of my parents and we'd be set. But right now I am just determined not to die.

Ugh - I just won't die.  Decision...done.

Bye bye anything fun.

[skubikky]

I'm a godparent and both of my kids have godparents.  Our wills designated my DSIL and her husband(who consequently are the godparents of my DD) as the guardians.  My kids are adults now and we have an updated will.  

Another point, the trustee of our assets was to be my mother.   My DSIL and her husband are/were wonderful parents and people, but not equipped or objective enough to have been put in charge of the kids money.    Also a bit of a conflict of interest IMHO.   I strongly recommend that you think long and hard on that one.

I defer to Swamp and any of the other attorneys with regard to how this plays out if both parents pass away and leave minor children with a sizeable estate to be held in trust.