swasat
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Post by swasat on Jun 10, 2013 12:52:54 GMT -5
I have come to realize that I have become more stubborn as I am growing up. I think I was more empathetic and more understanding of some situations in my 20s than I am now. Specially family issues With the ongoing family drama in my home I am almost to the point of obstinacy. There are some things and situation where I don't want to hear about even considering anything. At All. I know it might make overall relations smoother if I give in an inch. But I don't wanna. I feel as if I have always thought and acted with my mind and I haven't always been successful. SO why should I take the logical and reasonable route? I want to do what my heart desires and tell everyone else to F-off. Ok, rambling over. I just wanted to vent. I am not convinced that our mind is always successful in giving us the most reasonable course of action. Its a short life...I might as well do as my heart pleases. At least I will be happy I lived my life 100% on my terms.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 10, 2013 13:00:22 GMT -5
No. I'm way less stubborn. I evaluate my options often, and ask myself "WHY" am I resisting this idea/request/whatever. And I ask WHAT the benefit is to do it my way vs. someone else's way. And I ask WHO is going to get hurt if I insist I do it my way. I use my stubbornness to make sure things are going in the right direction (No, you can't eat 5 cupcakes 10 minutes before dinner. No, you can't play video games until you do your homework.) And I try to be flexible when there may be multiple "correct" answers.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Jun 10, 2013 13:02:24 GMT -5
I don't necessarily think I am more stubborn now, just that I was more oblivious when I was in my 20s. I am having my own in law issues that in my 20s probably wouldn't have been much of an issue because there simply wasn't any money to "throw away".......unlike today when we have far more disposable income. The problem is that I resent paying for stuff that I don't view as being our responsibility regardless of the "family obligation" speech. My position on the subject isn't going to change so I guess you can label that as stubborn if you want.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 10, 2013 13:04:25 GMT -5
I don't think I'm "more stubborn". It's I'm becoming comfortable in my own skin and I am a lot less likely to automatically go for the people pleaser solution. I'm able to decide what's a hill I'm willing to die on.
It appears more stubborn when people are used to me jumping when they say "boo" and I don't.
I'm also "less stubborn" than I used to be on a lot of issues. I've learned there are a lot of grey areas and very little in life is black/white.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jun 10, 2013 13:06:46 GMT -5
whoami, we are facing the same kind of enemy.... In my case, money is not even in the picture. But the power struggle is horrendous. The "famili speech".....I told DH he can live and sleep with the said FAMILY
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 13:08:43 GMT -5
Yes and no? I'm a lot more pragmatic than I used to be. I pick and choose my battles. Something might not be exactly correct but I ask myself whether having something "perfect" is worth the extra effort. And does it matter? I *think* I'm a little smarter than I used to be as well. Before I used to feel sorry for folks who were in bad situations. Now that I'm older I'm more likely to ask..."Did this person put him/herself in the situation or are they truly victims?" I'm not cynical but I'm more skeptical. And l'm actively shutting up and letting people fix their own problems than me coming in to rescue them from themselves. I.e. conciously working on being less of an enabler.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 13:11:18 GMT -5
whoami, we are facing the same kind of enemy.... In my case, money is not even in the picture. But the power struggle is horrendous. The "famili speech".....I told DH he can live and sleep with the said FAMILY DH says that whenever he hears the word "family" it means he better hold onto his wallet because it usually means it's going to cost him something!
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Jun 10, 2013 13:11:51 GMT -5
No. I'm way less stubborn. I evaluate my options often, and ask myself "WHY" am I resisting this idea/request/whatever. And I ask WHAT the benefit is to do it my way vs. someone else's way. And I ask WHO is going to get hurt if I insist I do it my way. I use my stubbornness to make sure things are going in the right direction (No, you can't eat 5 cupcakes 10 minutes before dinner. No, you can't play video games until you do your homework.) And I try to be flexible when there may be multiple "correct" answers. There's almost always more than one way to do things or to get things and as I've gotten older I've realized that the way I might want to do things or get things isn't always the 'right way' or the 'only way' to achieve an end. I'm flexible on the how and way as long as the final goal/achievement is something I want. Stubbornness is a double edged sword - you can use it to help yourself/others OR it can be use it to hurt yourself/others. Don't let being stubborn blind you into "cutting off your nose to spite your face". I've seen plenty of people who were bound and determined to stick to their guns -- so stubborn on something to the point they were ONLY going to do it their way or else they'd do their darndest to sabotage what was being done. Needless to say it doesn't ever end well.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jun 10, 2013 13:11:58 GMT -5
To answer original question - depends who you ask. If you ask my DH - he will say that if not more, I am staying at the same level. If you ask me, I think I've gotten much more mellow.
Needless to say, he is wrong and I am right, nothing else to discuss there.
Seriously, though, I am finding that I am looking at things through the eyes of my kids more and more. If I could logically explain my choices to them (even if I am only doing it in my head), I am sticking to it. If I am finding that I am just rationalizing the decision - I might re-evaluate it. Not with everything, but....
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Jun 10, 2013 13:15:07 GMT -5
whoami, we are facing the same kind of enemy.... In my case, money is not even in the picture. But the power struggle is horrendous. The "famili speech".....I told DH he can live and sleep with the said FAMILY I was ok until he started telling me this wouldn't cost us more that $20K..... ...Yeah 20 thousand dollars. Then I said NFW. He claims its going to be paid back by the inheritance but given the situation, I would be very surprised if he even gets enough to pay it back. The personality conflicts have gone on for years so that is nothing new. I was never going to be involved. The idea that DH would have to play a significant role wasn't a surprise since there really isn't anyone else who hasn't either pissed her off or been pissed off by her. The potential financial outlay is absolutely unacceptable to me.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Jun 10, 2013 13:15:58 GMT -5
As long as you're willing to suffer thru swallowing the bitter pills that usually come with living life 100% on one's own terms - you're good to go. I'm not saying you SHOULDN"T live life 100% on your own terms. Just that there is a price to pay for that - just as there is in "giving in to other people demands"... Life is a duality - you can't do it all, have it all, be it all. You have to choose. And with choice come consequences. As long as you can be happy with the consequences you're good to go.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 10, 2013 13:19:39 GMT -5
I also pick my battles. And if I have decided that this particular issue is a hill I am willing to die on, I will not change my mind.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Jun 10, 2013 13:20:43 GMT -5
As long as you're willing to suffer thru swallowing the bitter pills that usually come with living life 100% on one's own terms - you're good to go. I'm not saying you SHOULDN"T live life 100% on your own terms. Just that there is a price to pay for that - just as there is in "giving in to other people demands"... Life is a duality - you can't do it all, have it all, be it all. You have to choose. And with choice come consequences. As long as you can be happy with the consequences you're good to go. My MIL lives life 100% on her terms. She has very few people stepping up to help her out at this stage of the game and the one who is (my DH) seems to be operating on the "family obligation" theory. I'm not sure he would be doing this otherwise.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 10, 2013 13:23:16 GMT -5
I think it depends..
I guess I don't find having good boundaries as being "stubborn." And, yes, as I've grown up, I've learned what good boundaries are. I'm not going to apologize to anyone for choosing a path that keeps my mental/emotional health intact. When I was younger, yes, I had poor boundaries and poor mental/emotional health.'
Otherwise, I have become way more mellow. In part, because I'm in a better place emotionally. In part because I'm tired. And, because, as I get older things are no longer so simple.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jun 10, 2013 13:28:04 GMT -5
I think it depends.. I guess I don't find having good boundaries as being "stubborn." And, yes, as I've grown up, I've learned what good boundaries are. I'm not going to apologize to anyone for choosing a path that keeps my mental/emotional health intact. When I was younger, yes, I had poor boundaries and poor mental/emotional health.' Otherwise, I have become way more mellow. In part, because I'm in a better place emotionally. In part because I'm tired. And, because, as I get older things are no longer so simple. Thats where I currently am. I gave in quite abit in the past to maintain peace. I swallowed my pride and even thought I fought the battles I still went on and continued the relationship. Its gotten to a point that the more I give in the more I feel I am get disturbed. It bothers me that its mostly me who has to think about "peace". I feel like being flexible earlier on in life was to my detriment overall. So now every cell in my body is screaming "NO!!". I don't know if I am right. I may be wrong, only time will tell. But right now there is not a single part of me which wants to budge even a nanometer.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 13:29:30 GMT -5
whoami, We had to advance money to my mother's estate to pay property taxes and to make up a mortgage payment because the renter was late on her rent. There was equity in the property so I recorded two liens (trust deeds) against the property at a low interest rate (5%). When the property sold we got paid back after commissions and the 1st mortgage was paid off. Because of the upside down nature of my mother's estate we as secured creditors would be paid before the unsecured claims would get paid if anyone challenged it. No one did. If DH wants to lend money to his relative, I would suggest first investigating how probable repayment is under the circumstances. And then jointly decide on a limit and sign an agreement which is secured by an asset. Under no circumstances would we have agreed to loan money to the estate if we couldn't afford it and didn't have a high probability of being paid back.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 10, 2013 13:34:11 GMT -5
Just because I'm not willing to do what some narcissistic nut job wants me to do does not make me stubborn! I think I've gotten better at picking and choosing my battles so I'd say I'm less stubborn.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jun 10, 2013 13:36:54 GMT -5
Just because I'm not willing to do what some narcissistic nut job wants me to do does not make me stubborn! AMEN Sister!!! I should stop calling myself stubborn. Honestly.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 13:37:51 GMT -5
becoming stubborn? lmao...... look in the dictionary next to the word, and my picture is staring at you at least according to my wife hey...nobody's perfect
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Jun 10, 2013 13:38:13 GMT -5
I'm less stubborn.
I attribute this to a severe decrease in my give-a-f*ck-ometer.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Jun 10, 2013 13:40:27 GMT -5
whoami, We had to advance money to my mother's estate to pay property taxes and to make up a mortgage payment because the renter was late on her rent. There was equity in the property so I recorded two liens (trust deeds) against the property at a low interest rate (5%). When the property sold we got paid back after commissions and the 1st mortgage was paid off. Because of the upside down nature of my mother's estate we as secured creditors would be paid before the unsecured claims would get paid if anyone challenged it. No one did. If DH wants to lend money to his relative, I would suggest first investigating how probable repayment is under the circumstances. And then jointly decide on a limit and sign an agreement which is secured by an asset. Under no circumstances would we have agreed to loan money to the estate if we couldn't afford it and didn't have a high probability of being paid back. Its not about lending anyone money. Ill know more in the next few weeks...
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 10, 2013 13:41:23 GMT -5
Here you go, swasat.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Jun 10, 2013 13:46:26 GMT -5
I think it depends.. I guess I don't find having good boundaries as being "stubborn." And, yes, as I've grown up, I've learned what good boundaries are. I'm not going to apologize to anyone for choosing a path that keeps my mental/emotional health intact. When I was younger, yes, I had poor boundaries and poor mental/emotional health.' Otherwise, I have become way more mellow. In part, because I'm in a better place emotionally. In part because I'm tired. And, because, as I get older things are no longer so simple. Thats where I currently am. I gave in quite abit in the past to maintain peace. I swallowed my pride and even thought I fought the battles I still went on and continued the relationship. Its gotten to a point that the more I give in the more I feel I am get disturbed. It bothers me that its mostly me who has to think about "peace". I feel like being flexible earlier on in life was to my detriment overall. So now every cell in my body is screaming "NO!!". I don't know if I am right. I may be wrong, only time will tell. But right now there is not a single part of me which wants to budge even a nanometer. I did what you are contemplating years ago and I have never regretted it. DH is now dealing with the culmination of sweeping things under the rug and not addressing the issue when it happened. I have no intention of changing the status quo.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jun 10, 2013 13:49:50 GMT -5
Southerners don't say stubborn. Why that's simply rude. We say 'set in our ways' - and yes I am.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jun 10, 2013 13:51:26 GMT -5
Pretty sure DH's picture is next to gdgyva's in the dictionary. And, he can't even deny it. A few years ago his mother gave us the scrapbook that she made for him throughout school: pictures, sports achievements, awards, etc. Next to random pictures she has noted several times, "Here's ____ being stubborn again!". Needless to say I don't let him live that down.
On topic, I think it's more a matter of definition. I'm not more stubborn as I've gotten older, but I am certainly less tolerant particularly when it comes to personal responsibility. I have no patience for the whiner and the blamers. Suck it up, people!
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 10, 2013 13:51:35 GMT -5
Southerners don't say stubborn. Why that's simply rude. We say 'set in our ways' - and yes I am. No, that's what OLD people say!
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jun 10, 2013 13:56:27 GMT -5
Southerners don't say stubborn. Why that's simply rude. We say 'set in our ways' - and yes I am. No, that's what OLD people say! NOW THAT'S RUDE YOU STUBBORN WOMAN!!!
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 10, 2013 13:58:01 GMT -5
No, that's what OLD people say! NOW THAT'S RUDE YOU STUBBORN WOMAN!!! At least you didn't call me an old stubborn woman.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jun 10, 2013 14:00:49 GMT -5
NOW THAT'S RUDE YOU STUBBORN WOMAN!!! At least you didn't call me an old stubborn woman. Trust me-it most definitely crossed my mind.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 14:04:43 GMT -5
I used to be a lot more understanding. I used to be able to see both sides. Then I started posting on these boards & seeing some of the stances of others on certain topics. So I guess the answer is yes I have become more stubborn (& argumentative). Is it because I'm older? I kind of doubt it.
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