swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jun 11, 2013 11:36:01 GMT -5
Sorry...deleted. I don't want to get into this. I can see why you don't want to get into it here. I wouldn't either. Please go find someone to talk to. And plan your exit. Keep copies of all financial records. Open up credit in your name. Keep a log of time spent with kids. Document abusive episodes. CAll the cops if he hits you again.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2013 11:41:06 GMT -5
Omg, get out now. Please document what he has had the kid do. You do need to be careful though with abusive people. Do you have friends and family close you might rely on?
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 11, 2013 11:41:12 GMT -5
Mpl-I've been worrying about you since your last post, but this one breaks my heart.
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mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 11, 2013 11:47:11 GMT -5
I think we can all understand, paintlady. Just take care of yourself and know we care!
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findingmyway
New Member
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Post by findingmyway on Jun 11, 2013 11:57:00 GMT -5
Marriage would not solve anything for me...I think if anything it would make it harder.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2013 12:09:51 GMT -5
Althena, It is the Wisconsin Marital Property Law. Yes even if it is in one spouses name only you are liable for 1/2 the debt. But you have no right to call the creditor to find out the balance or status...you can be garnished if it is delinquent but you have no right to check up on the status. Same with a car. DH can buy a car and the finance company will send me a notice that they gave him a loan on a car. I am liable to pay, but my name is not on the title so I can not call to get any info on it. Wow- that's just awful. I think DH and I will stay out of Wisconsin!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2013 12:47:16 GMT -5
MPL, even seeing the quoted portions of what you posted and then deleted scares me. Talk to someone at a local women's shelter. We support a local one (not in MN, unfortunately) and they've helped women develop an escape plan. No one should be "trapped' in a marriage, even (especially) when the abuser is making threats to keep them in the marriage. Please seek out resources. You dont' deserve this and your kids should not have to grow up with this.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 11, 2013 12:59:33 GMT -5
What a shame, paintlady. Why do you feel trapped? Is it because you think you can't support yourself? Whatever it is, that's got to be a terrible feeling! Because he has made it clear...sickeningly clear...how much hell he is going to put me and the kids through if I pursue a divorce. I don't know 100% if I want out, but I hate feeling like I have no choice, or that the alternative is worse. That is what all bullies say to keep their spouse feeing trapped.
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Wisconsin Beth
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No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 11, 2013 13:26:18 GMT -5
I missed the deleted post but mpl, please talk to someone in your real life. A counseler, a therapist, your doctor, a shelter, Carolyn Hax's favorite hotline, your religious person, someone.
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kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
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Post by kittensaver on Jun 11, 2013 13:38:34 GMT -5
www.thehotline.org/Go there. Now. Do Not Pass Go. Don't even THINK about the $200. And be sure to clear your internet search history when you are done. Good luck to you, MPL.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2013 14:18:30 GMT -5
www.thehotline.org/Go there. Now. Do Not Pass Go. Don't even THINK about the $200. And be sure to clear your internet search history when you are done. Good luck to you, MPL. Go figure. That's a blocked site at work.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jun 11, 2013 14:18:56 GMT -5
www.thehotline.org/Go there. Now. Do Not Pass Go. Don't even THINK about the $200. And be sure to clear your internet search history when you are done. Good luck to you, MPL. Go figure. That's a blocked site at work. That's just all kinds of wrong.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2013 14:24:15 GMT -5
Yeah, especially since I can get here! It says that's an online dating site with sexually explicit content (Is it? I really don't need that kind of help )
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Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 11, 2013 14:24:46 GMT -5
Also, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to their website at www.ndvh.org. They provide support, information, and referral to local domestic violence programs. If you think your computer or phone is monitored by your abuser, take care of yourself and use a computer at your local libary or a phone he can’t access. I wish you well. quoted from another site.
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kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
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Post by kittensaver on Jun 11, 2013 14:26:49 GMT -5
Yeah, especially since I can get here! It says that's an online dating site with sexually explicit content (Is it? I really don't need that kind of help ) It's the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It has a TON of good information and education on it. Someone at work must have programmed your filter(s) to weed out some key word or phrase in the address or the first few lines of text on the page itself.
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kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
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Post by kittensaver on Jun 11, 2013 14:27:56 GMT -5
Beth's link takes you to the exact same place.
Good luck.
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mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 11, 2013 14:29:52 GMT -5
Paintlady, here's the information you need from the site:
SAFETY ALERT! Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer, and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.
ETA: Oh, good! Somebody already posted the number! Please, paintlady, use it. I speak from experience. This will only escalate.
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Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 11, 2013 14:31:11 GMT -5
How can I help a friend or family member who is being abused?
Don’t be afraid to let him or her know that you are concerned for their safety. Help your friend or family member recognize the abuse. Tell him or her you see what is going on and that you want to help. Help them recognize that what is happening is not “normal” and that they deserve a healthy, non-violent relationship.Acknowledge that he or she is in a very difficult and scary situation. Let your friend or family member know that the abuse is not their fault. Reassure him or her that they are not alone and that there is help and support out there.Be supportive. Listen to your friend or family member. Remember that it may be difficult for him or her to talk about the abuse. Let him or her know that you are available to help whenever they may need it.
What they need most is someone who will believe and listen to them.Be non-judgmental. Respect your friend or family member’s decisions. There are many reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships. He or she may leave and return to the relationship many times. Do not criticize his or her decisions or try to guilt them. He or she will need your support even more during those times.Encourage him or her to participate in activities outside of the relationship with friends and family.If he or she ends the relationship, continue to be supportive of them. Even though the relationship was abusive, your friend or family member may still feel sad and lonely once it is over. He or she will need time to mourn the loss of the relationship and will especially need your support at that time.
Help him or her to develop a safety plan.Encourage him or her to talk to people who can provide help and guidance. Find a local domestic violence agency that provides counseling or support groups. Offer to go with him or her to talk to family and friends. If he or she has to go to the police, court or a lawyer, offer to go along for moral support.Remember that you cannot “rescue” him or her. Although it is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately the person getting hurt has to be the one to decide that they want to do something about it. It’s important for you to support him or her and help them find a way to safety and peace.If you think your friend or family member may be abusive, click here to find out more.Please call the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224 to discuss your concerns and questions.
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Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 11, 2013 14:31:46 GMT -5
Safety Planning
Safety planning for someone involved in an abusive relationship is a necessary and important step. Planning can be used while you are still with your abuser or after the relationship has ended. While still in an abusive relationship, your safety is of primary importance.
Safety Plan GuidelinesPersonal Safety with an Abuser Getting Ready to Leave General Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship After Leaving the Abusive Relationship For a Printable Personal Safety Plan Click Here
These safety suggestions have been compiled from safety plans distributed by state domestic violence coalitions from around the country. Following these suggestions is not a guarantee of safety, but could help to improve your safety situation.Personal Safety with an AbuserIdentify your partner’s use and level of force so that you can assess danger to you and your children before it occurs.Try to avoid an abusive situation by leaving.Identify safe areas of the house where there are no weapons and there are ways to escape. If arguments occur, try to move to those areas.Don’t run to where the children are, as your partner may hurt them as well.If violence is unavoidable, make yourself a small target; dive into a corner and curl up into a ball with your face protected and arms around each side of your head, fingers entwined.
If possible, have a phone accessible at all times and know what numbers to call for help. Know where the nearest pay phone is located. Know the phone number to your local battered women’s shelter. Don’t be afraid to call the police.Let trusted friends and neighbors know of your situation and develop a plan and visual signal for when you need help.Teach your children how to get help. Instruct them not to get involved in the violence between you and your partner. Plan a code word to signal to them that they should get help or leave the house.
Tell your children that violence is never right, even when someone they love is being violent. Tell them that neither you, nor they, are at fault or are the cause of the violence, and that when anyone is being violent, it is important to stay safe.Practice how to get out safely. Practice with your children.Plan for what you will do if your children tell your partner of your plan or if your partner otherwise finds out about your plan.Keep weapons like guns and knives locked away and as inaccessible as possible.Make a habit of backing the car into the driveway and keeping it fueled. Keep the driver’s door unlocked and others locked — for a quick escape.Try not to wear scarves or long jewelry that could be used to strangle you.Create several plausible reasons for leaving the house at different times of the day or night.Call a domestic violence hotline periodically to assess your options and get a supportive understanding ear.
Getting Ready to Leave Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures.Know where you can go to get help; tell someone what is happening to you.If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them, like a room with a lock or a friend’s house where they can go for help. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.Contact your local battered women’s shelter and find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them during a crisis.Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made, if possible.Acquire job skills or take courses at a community college as you can.Try to set money aside or ask friends or family members to hold money for you.
General Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship You may request a police stand-by or escort while you leave.If you need to sneak away, be prepared.Make a plan for how and where you will escape.Plan for a quick escape.Put aside emergency money as you can.Hide an extra set of car keys.Pack an extra set of clothes for yourself and your children and store them at a trusted friend or neighbor’s house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends.Take with you important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc., as well as other important items, including:Driver’s licenseRegularly needed medicationCredit cards or a list of credit cards you hold yourself or jointlyPay stubsCheckbooks and information about bank accounts and other assetsIf time is available, also take:Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)Titles, deeds and other property informationMedical recordsChildren’s school and immunization recordsInsurance informationCopy of marriage license, birth certificates, will and other legal documentsVerification of social security numbersWelfare identificationValued pictures, jewelry or personal possessionsYou may also create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate. Ask questions that require a call back to your house in order to leave phone numbers on record.
After Leaving the Abusive Relationship If getting a restraining order and the offender is leaving: Change your locks and phone number.Change your work hours and route taken to work.Change the route taken to transport children to school.Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.Call law enforcement to enforce the order.If you leave:Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail.Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports.Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.Change your work hours, if possible.Alert school authorities of the situation.Consider changing your children’s schools.Reschedule appointments that the offender is aware of.Use different stores and frequent different social spots.Alert neighbors and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.Talk to trusted people about the violence.Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible.Install a motion sensitive lighting system.Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.
All rights reserved.Copyright © 1998 by the National Center for Victims of Crime. This information may be freely distributed, provided that it is distributed free of charge, in its entirety and includes this copyright notice.
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mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 11, 2013 14:32:04 GMT -5
Thanks, WI Beth!
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Wisconsin Beth
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No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 11, 2013 14:32:36 GMT -5
Ouch. Those are ugly blocks of text. Sorry. I copied and pasted from nhdv's site. I'll try to edit for some breaks.
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mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
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Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 11, 2013 14:40:31 GMT -5
The important thing is to get the information here to be read, Beth. It don't gotta be pretty. Thanks for bringing it here to be seen.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 11, 2013 14:43:24 GMT -5
I'm not sure what the OP's original issue is, but to answer the question.
I think marriage is important on many levels. I personally see a religious aspect to it, but I know many don't.
Beyond that, if nothing else, it's been intracatly intertwined with human history for thousands of years, and there's something to be said to being willing to stand in front of your friends and loved ones and commit to someome for their rest of your natural lives. From a practical standpoint, it provides a lot of legal benefits.
If marriage wasn't important, than gay marriage wouldn't be such a hot button issue.
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Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 11, 2013 14:44:35 GMT -5
No problem. Although it does suck that it needs to exist in the first place, you know?
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jun 11, 2013 14:45:05 GMT -5
Yeah, especially since I can get here! It says that's an online dating site with sexually explicit content (Is it? I really don't need that kind of help ) So you can screw around all day but not get advice on how to get away from crazy people? Interesting line in the sand. Hopefully you can get there from some other computer or use the work phone to call the hotline.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jun 11, 2013 14:52:14 GMT -5
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jun 11, 2013 15:39:01 GMT -5
"Because he has made it clear...sickeningly clear...how much hell he is going to put me and the kids through if I pursue a divorce. I don't know 100% if I want out, but I hate feeling like I have no choice, or that the alternative is worse."
MPL, I'm SO sorry you are going through this! Unfortunately, BTDT myself. And, he followed through: my divorce WAS hell. I was the sole breadwinner, maintained our home, vehicles, medical insurance, etc. but in order to finally get away I left with my son and the clothes on our back. I retreated to my parents house for a couple of months until I could get back on my feet. The first week I wore the same outfit to work every day. I had NOTHING. And, because the divorce wasn't final yet, per law enforcement my stuff was his stuff, so he was not obligated to give me anything from the house. Didn't matter: he cut all my clothes completely through.
Sorry to ramble about myself, but all this to say, yes, it will be hell for a while, but it WILL get better! I'm thankful every day for what happened. Over time I was able to get my son's baby pictures, but everything else? Don't even miss it. It's just "stuff" and can be replaced. And, I know, I HATED hearing that before I finally took the plunge. But, it is true. Wishing all the best for you!
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
Familiar Member
"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on Jun 11, 2013 15:43:10 GMT -5
Oh dear, I forgot about this one. I didn't read but glanced through the last page. I am so so sorry someone is going through this. I think it is MPL, man I don't know what to say. That sucks. There is good advice here I think.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jun 11, 2013 15:56:16 GMT -5
I think about the last thing a couple who is unprepared for a pregnancy should do is getting married. And, Naggie, back to your situation, I think the above is valid. I know you can't (nor do you want to) control what your daughter does, but there's nothing wrong with encouraging a LONG engagement! I mean, the baby will need to arrive first, wedding to plan, money to be saved, etc. You can always use that angle with her.
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
Familiar Member
"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on Jun 11, 2013 15:59:19 GMT -5
I can't remember what I wrote, em, no there is no wedding. I know she has told me that they talk about it, and actually I first thought that it would be such a cliche for him to do it just because she is pregnant. Now feelings are going the other way, it would be a long engagement because, no money sorry DD.
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