mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on May 16, 2013 23:42:04 GMT -5
For anyone suffering from cancer, or caring for someone who's suffering from cancer, my heart is with you. It's a hard row to hoe, and it's often dark and scary for both the victim and the caregiver. All we can do is care. Beyond that, we're pretty much helpless, but we can share the load. Vent away!
|
|
Jaguar
Administrator
Fear does not stop death. It stops life.
Joined: Dec 20, 2011 6:07:45 GMT -5
Posts: 50,108
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IZlZ65.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Text Color: 290066
|
Post by Jaguar on May 16, 2013 23:44:02 GMT -5
Yeah I believe venting is good that's one thing why I love The Anonymous Note on EE.
|
|
Robert not Bobby
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jan 29, 2013 17:45:55 GMT -5
Posts: 1,392
|
Post by Robert not Bobby on May 17, 2013 0:07:05 GMT -5
You know swamp (or is it Lisa, or Karen or Jessica?...anyway)
Cancer sucks, literally. It has been in my family for generations (mom, long story, she is still around)...so I give and I give and I give...and still no cure. I want instant gratification and results, but apparently, it does'nt work that way.
Do we have a cure for the 'common' cold yet?
Still, we should all do our part to help get this thing cured and not be the death sentence it is for so many people.
|
|
Jaguar
Administrator
Fear does not stop death. It stops life.
Joined: Dec 20, 2011 6:07:45 GMT -5
Posts: 50,108
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IZlZ65.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Text Color: 290066
|
Post by Jaguar on May 17, 2013 1:10:43 GMT -5
I'm going to be starting a Cancer Support thread on Healthy Living soon. So many need it on here.
|
|
cronewitch
Junior Associate
I identify as a post-menopausal childless cat lady and I vote.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:44:20 GMT -5
Posts: 5,979
|
Post by cronewitch on May 17, 2013 2:30:19 GMT -5
My aunt got breast cancer in 1980 they told her it was terminal. She didn't want chemo but her son wasn't full grown and needed her at home so she decided to try it. The cancer had spread and she was sure she would be dead soon. Her daughter in law has skin cancer and was told she had to do treatment another year, my aunt was jealous she had another year.
So her attitude was bad, she didn't beleive in God, she was sure it wouldn't work but was trying to get a few more months. She hated chemo but kept doing what the doctors wanted. Her blood cells were getting ruined so she stopped chemo for a bit. The next test didn't show any cancer cell. She waited about 5 years and got breast cancer on the other side and did chemo again. She is 85 now and cancer free. This with a bad attitude, no prayers. She also smoked and drank and smoked pot.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 2:57:47 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 17, 2013 5:11:37 GMT -5
It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. Aristotle Onassis
|
|
happyscooter
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 5, 2011 9:04:06 GMT -5
Posts: 2,416
|
Post by happyscooter on May 17, 2013 5:39:29 GMT -5
OK everyone practice this 'I am so sorry. What time can I bring over supper next Tuesday?'
Do not say 'I'm so sorry. Let me know if there is anything I can do'. Because you know what? No one is going to call you. Would you ever call someone and say 'I haven't had time to go to the grocery store. Can you cook supper for the 4 of us and have it here by 6:30.' Or call the local pizza place, order pizza for the family, put it on your cc or stop by and pay for it and have it delivered to their house. If you can't cut their grass, call a landscaper and pay for 2 weeks worth of grass cutting. If you go to the hospital to visit the patient, take a magazine to leave with them. Even if it is a month old from your house, maybe they haven't read it. And watching the depressing news on TV or the murder shows can't be very positive/cheerful. If there is someone who sits at the hospital while spouse/child/sib/parent is having treatments, fix a small snack bag. An apple, banana, cheesecrackers, gum, candy, etc.... Vending machines are expensive and if someone is having to pay for parking, gas, AND medical bills, the last thing they want to do is pay 75 cents for a pack of gum.
|
|
toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 16,861
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
|
Post by toomuchreality on May 17, 2013 6:37:03 GMT -5
OK everyone practice this 'I am so sorry. What time can I bring over supper next Tuesday?' Do not say 'I'm so sorry. Let me know if there is anything I can do'. Because you know what? No one is going to call you. Would you ever call someone and say 'I haven't had time to go to the grocery store. Can you cook supper for the 4 of us and have it here by 6:30.' Or call the local pizza place, order pizza for the family, put it on your cc or stop by and pay for it and have it delivered to their house. If you can't cut their grass, call a landscaper and pay for 2 weeks worth of grass cutting. If you go to the hospital to visit the patient, take a magazine to leave with them. Even if it is a month old from your house, maybe they haven't read it. And watching the depressing news on TV or the murder shows can't be very positive/cheerful. If there is someone who sits at the hospital while spouse/child/sib/parent is having treatments, fix a small snack bag. An apple, banana, cheesecrackers, gum, candy, etc.... Vending machines are expensive and if someone is having to pay for parking, gas, AND medical bills, the last thing they want to do is pay 75 cents for a pack of gum. Agreed. I spent almost every night with my sister, from about 7-8pm until between 10-12 the following morning. I tried to always either take some type of food/snack or go get one. Having a pizza delivered for dinner was great compared to hospital food every day. Sometimes in the mornings I'd pick up breakfast for us (omelet, hash-browns, pancakes, bacon or sausage) from Village Inn and take it, so we could eat together. But it got 'spendy' for me, on my fixed income. It would have been nice if others would have brought something once in awhile for her. I used to feel guilty for having needs of my own to take care of (including sleep). Even just being a support person is exhausting. I hope all of you doing this will take a moment for yourself once in awhile. You'll feel better mentally and physically, which will show in the way you come across. Your wants, needs and responsibilities haven't likely changed. If someone offers to help, let them. (For some people helping this way is easier/preferable. Having them help with something, makes them feel like they contributed. Let them.) Even Wonder Woman and Superman had their 'down' times. It's okay for you to have a minute to/for yourself as well. -You need it. Take it. GG, Sugi and all... Thinking of you, and wishing you all the best♥ -tmr
|
|
The Captain
Junior Associate
Hugs are good...
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 16:21:23 GMT -5
Posts: 8,717
Location: State of confusion
Favorite Drink: Whinnnne
|
Post by The Captain on May 17, 2013 6:44:22 GMT -5
To everyone here fighting cancer or supporting those who are, FWIW - know that we are rooting for you.
|
|
The Captain
Junior Associate
Hugs are good...
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 16:21:23 GMT -5
Posts: 8,717
Location: State of confusion
Favorite Drink: Whinnnne
|
Post by The Captain on May 17, 2013 6:50:03 GMT -5
Aw thanks! I don't know what's worse- In my family we don't talk about stuff like this. Everyone just acts/pretends there isn't anything wrong. When my mom's Alzheimer's got so bad that she couldn't figure out how to use her key to get in the house, I finally got upset and said "Yes. There is something wrong!" Up to that point, everyone kept telling me they hadn't noticed. My sister had had a double mastectomy, and was getting chemo for many months, before she told any of us. It makes me a little but crazi-er. -But what do ya do? Talk to each other! My family used to be like that and it drove me and my sister nuts! My mom was the biggest offender because she didn't want to "worry" us. We finally made a promise to everyone (Parents, sis and I) that we would not keep any secrets when it came to our health. It is much better to go through trials with support then without any.
|
|
happyscooter
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 5, 2011 9:04:06 GMT -5
Posts: 2,416
|
Post by happyscooter on May 17, 2013 6:53:18 GMT -5
And stop always asking about the patient. Ask about the caregiver. Or say 'I have 2 hours next Wednesday morning while my children are at preschool that I can some and sit with your mom/wife/brother. I'll drop by around 9:00 and you can run to the grocery store or Walmart or take a walk around the block.' If they say 'no, I don't want to bother you,' say 'it is no bother, I am offering'.
Pick up a pack of thank you notes at the Dollar Store. 8 for $1.00. Get a book of 10 stamps. $5.00. Give them to the caregiver. One less thing they have to worry about.
My story-(yes you knew it was coming). I have always written thank you notes. My family didn't have alot and if someone gave me a gift, I was very appreciative. My mother over the years saw how important it was to send a small note. She got very good at writing when my dad got sick and her co-workers, friends, family members rallied around her. When she got sick, she had a lot of visitors. If someone brought over a plate of homemade cookies, a note was written within 24 hours. No joke. When she could no longer sit up, she dictated the notes to me and would sit up long enough to sign the note 'Love, Betty.'
If you think the smallest gesture won't make a difference, you are wrong.
|
|
toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 16,861
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
|
Post by toomuchreality on May 17, 2013 6:58:07 GMT -5
Aw thanks! I don't know what's worse- In my family we don't talk about stuff like this. Everyone just acts/pretends there isn't anything wrong. When my mom's Alzheimer's got so bad that she couldn't figure out how to use her key to get in the house, I finally got upset and said "Yes. There is something wrong!" Up to that point, everyone kept telling me they hadn't noticed. My sister had had a double mastectomy, and was getting chemo for many months, before she told any of us. It makes me a little but crazi-er. -But what do ya do? Talk to each other! My family used to be like that and it drove me and my sister nuts! My mom was the biggest offender because she didn't want to "worry" us. We finally made a promise to everyone (Parents, sis and I) that we would not keep any secrets when it came to our health. It is much better to go through trials with support then without any. Thanks. I agree. You should see the look of horror on their faces when I try to talk about anything besides 'gardening'. It's kind of funny, in a way. Sad in others. Thank goodness we have places like this to get support, also.
|
|
happyscooter
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 5, 2011 9:04:06 GMT -5
Posts: 2,416
|
Post by happyscooter on May 17, 2013 7:08:42 GMT -5
One more thing. (I always say that. ). When my dad died, it was around the holidays. Someone brought to the house-a canister of coffee and coffee filters, a gallon of milk and a box of cereal. So the kids had something to eat for breakfast. I was busy with funeral stuff, DH was keeping the kids/working/phone calls. It does not have to be a big meal that you fix. It does not have to feed 10-12 people. That got us through 2 days since the adults weren't really hungry but the kids needed to eat every morning.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,617
|
Post by swamp on May 17, 2013 7:35:35 GMT -5
You know swamp (or is it Lisa, or Karen or Jessica?...anyway) Cancer sucks, literally. It has been in my family for generations (mom, long story, she is still around)...so I give and I give and I give...and still no cure. I want instant gratification and results, but apparently, it does'nt work that way. Do we have a cure for the 'common' cold yet? Still, we should all do our part to help get this thing cured and not be the death sentence it is for so many people. I agree as my husband works as a pharmacist in an oncology center and is bummed whenenver he loses a patient. However, what does that have to do with me? My post was to note how stupid it is to assume that because someone was otherwise healthy and exercises, it's a given they will beat cancer. It's not, and we aren't doing anyone any favors by pretending that eating well and exercising will guarantee you won't die from cancer
|
|
Gardening Grandma
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:39:46 GMT -5
Posts: 17,962
|
Post by Gardening Grandma on May 17, 2013 8:32:01 GMT -5
My aunt got breast cancer in 1980 they told her it was terminal. She didn't want chemo but her son wasn't full grown and needed her at home so she decided to try it. The cancer had spread and she was sure she would be dead soon. Her daughter in law has skin cancer and was told she had to do treatment another year, my aunt was jealous she had another year. So her attitude was bad, she didn't beleive in God, she was sure it wouldn't work but was trying to get a few more months. She hated chemo but kept doing what the doctors wanted. Her blood cells were getting ruined so she stopped chemo for a bit. The next test didn't show any cancer cell. She waited about 5 years and got breast cancer on the other side and did chemo again. She is 85 now and cancer free. This with a bad attitude, no prayers. She also smoked and drank and smoked pot. This made me laugh. Thanks for sharing...
|
|
sesfw
Junior Associate
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 15:45:17 GMT -5
Posts: 6,268
|
Post by sesfw on May 17, 2013 10:28:59 GMT -5
'Also, he really did not feel much in the way of side effects the first 2-3 weeks.'
Healing hugs for your DH ..... and for you.
My radiation evaluation isn't for another 3 weeks. Right now the plan is radiation and one low dose chemo drug taken at the same time. The radiation will be M-F and the chemo will be delivered by pump for the same days and I carry the pump with me.
So far I haven't heard about any expected reactions. But that will come in a couple of weeks. The radiation will be across my pelvic region for the colon area.
I'm taking it one day at a time. If I think about tomorrow I'll go crazy.
sugilite ....... please keep us posted. We'll hold your hand and walk with you.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 2:57:47 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 17, 2013 10:51:26 GMT -5
I think if you need help and have specific suggestions then you should bring it up. People don't always know what is needed or welcomed and are hesitant to intrude.
When one of the moms in my group is ill or has a baby we set up a meal calendar that people can sign up to make a meal and deliver it. We also have a suggested list of restaurants and meal creation type places that you can donate money to. Then we have a childcare or come over and visit calendar.
But it is takes a lot of input and willingness to accept help from the person involved.
|
|
Gardening Grandma
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:39:46 GMT -5
Posts: 17,962
|
Post by Gardening Grandma on May 17, 2013 11:03:19 GMT -5
sesfw, I think one reason they don't try to predict a lot in the way of side effects is that everyone is different. DH still gets up every morning and exercises (although not as long now). He maintains activity during the day and stops to rest when he gets fatigued... I'll find him on the sofa every few hours now. Then he gets restless and gets up again.
I'm taking it one day at a time. If I think about tomorrow I'll go crazy.
Yes, that is what I am having to learn to do.... It's difficult, but otherwise I can make myself nuts.
Best of luck in your treatment... Please do keep us updated.
|
|
The Captain
Junior Associate
Hugs are good...
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 16:21:23 GMT -5
Posts: 8,717
Location: State of confusion
Favorite Drink: Whinnnne
|
Post by The Captain on May 17, 2013 12:16:01 GMT -5
Same for you GG, the caregivers need support also.
Hope you DH is having a better day today.
|
|
steph08
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 3, 2011 13:06:01 GMT -5
Posts: 5,503
|
Post by steph08 on May 17, 2013 12:24:54 GMT -5
|
|
kent
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:13:46 GMT -5
Posts: 3,594
|
Post by kent on May 17, 2013 12:26:32 GMT -5
For anyone suffering from cancer, or caring for someone who's suffering from cancer, my heart is with you. It's a hard row to hoe, and it's often dark and scary for both the victim and the caregiver. All we can do is care. Beyond that, we're pretty much helpless, but we can share the load. Vent away!
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,617
|
Post by swamp on May 17, 2013 12:29:18 GMT -5
If you take care of yourself and are fit, you are probably less likely to get cancer, but you can still die from it.
|
|
steph08
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 3, 2011 13:06:01 GMT -5
Posts: 5,503
|
Post by steph08 on May 17, 2013 12:32:29 GMT -5
If you take care of yourself and are fit, you are probably less likely to get cancer, but you can still die from it. Very true, but the article also says "And men who were the most fit in middle age were the least likely to die a quarter century later even if they were unlucky enough to get cancer, a new study finds...among the men who did get lung, colon or prostate cancer, the fitter they were in their early 50s, the less likely they were to die of it." Of course, we know that each study shows something different. People are always putting their feet in their mouths - and I especially agree with the posters who commented about "he/she is in a better place," "It was their time," etc. - If anybody says anything like that to me after someone I love dies, I will probably punch them in the face.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,617
|
Post by swamp on May 17, 2013 12:34:05 GMT -5
I agree, but it's not a guarantee. I knew several very healthy guys who died in their 50's from cancer.
|
|
formerroomate99
Junior Associate
Joined: Sept 12, 2011 13:33:12 GMT -5
Posts: 7,381
|
Post by formerroomate99 on May 17, 2013 13:18:39 GMT -5
I remember having this incredible feeling of relief when my father died. It was his third bout, and this last one had been 9 months of hell for him. Hearing someone say 'He's in a better place' was a heck of a lot better than having some stranger telling me it was ok to cry. You want a show, watch a GD soap, leave me the hell alone.
And I second those who who say just do things rather than offering to help. Since most of the folks who offer to help have no intention of doing anything useful anyway, no good can come from taking someone up on their 'offer'.
|
|
movingforward
Junior Associate
Joined: Sept 15, 2011 12:48:31 GMT -5
Posts: 8,385
|
Post by movingforward on May 17, 2013 13:37:44 GMT -5
I remember having this incredible feeling of relief when my father died. It was his third bout, and this last one had been 9 months of hell for him. Hearing someone say 'He's in a better place' was a heck of a lot better than having some stranger telling me it was ok to cry. You want a show, watch a GD soap, leave me the hell alone. And I second those who who say just do things rather than offering to help. Since most of the folks who offer to help have no intention of doing anything useful anyway, no good can come from taking someone up on their 'offer'. Let's face it no one really knows what to say when someone loses someone they love. In your case I would agree that hearing "he is in a better place" could be okay since he was suffering; however, my mom had absolutely no health issues and her death was a complete shock to everyone. Hearing someone say "she is in a better place" made me want to punch them in the face. That being said, one thing I am truly thankful for is that she didn't spend months suffering prior to her death. She did spend 27 days in the hospital after the EMT shocked her back to life. During that time I think the most helpful person was my aunt. She wasn't one of those who offered to help or asked us what we needed, she just did things. I had hopped on a plane as soon as I heard mom had a heart attack. I threw a few things in a bag and left for the airport. My aunt would just take it upon herself to wash my clothes, she would realize my dad and I had been at the hospital all day and she would just bring us food without asking, when she realized I was going to be in town a while with so few clothes she ran out to Target and bought me a few things. She never asked us if we needed any of these things and we never asked for them but she just did it. To this day I truly appreciate those small gestures more than she will ever know.
|
|
muttleynfelix
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:32:52 GMT -5
Posts: 9,406
|
Post by muttleynfelix on May 17, 2013 13:49:56 GMT -5
People from our church have doing this for us while DH is recovering from back surgery. DH couldn't go to church one Sunday because he had mowed the grass the day before and was not doing well. The next week one of the guys at church approached us and said listen, I come out to your house every other week and bring someone with me and we will mow your yard for you. It feels wrong having a 75 year old mowing our grass for us, but in the end we have accepted it. But when they say "whatever we can do to help" it feels wrong saying, we need help mowing our grass right now.
|
|
Peace Of Mind
Senior Associate
[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:53:02 GMT -5
Posts: 15,554
Location: Paradise
|
Post by Peace Of Mind on May 17, 2013 13:54:38 GMT -5
When my neighbor's wife was dying from breast cancer he knew he could come visit and sit in our garden and vent away. I did tell him to let me know what I could do if/when he ever needed help. I made suggestions of what I was willing to do and he said "Nah, that's something I feel I should do myself. I don't even let her daughter do that." when I mentioned I could help change her, etc. So I made it clear that he could call me on things he was comfortable with me doing and he took me up on that. He'd ask me to sit with her when he had to run an errand or would ask me to pick up his granddaughter when she missed the bus so he could stay with his wife - stuff like that. He said it mattered a lot just knowing I was there for him. She did die and that was about 7 years ago. He and I still keep in touch even though he moved to another state. Cancer sucks!!! And my mom never told anybody how bad her cancer was. Not even her own mother or any of us kids - nobody. She said she had 98% chance of recovery and that the radiation and chemo were working. We didn't know how serious it was or what kind of cancer she had until it was too late. It was very rare and fatal. I would probably do the same thing so nobody treats me any different plus I wouldn't want to be a burden unless I was desperate for the help. I concur that we all are here for you guys who have cancer or a loved one who is dealing with it and you can vent away anytime you need to. Even in private PMs if it's too personal to mention for all to see.
|
|
movingforward
Junior Associate
Joined: Sept 15, 2011 12:48:31 GMT -5
Posts: 8,385
|
Post by movingforward on May 17, 2013 14:05:18 GMT -5
The DH of a lady I used to work with was just recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It is inoperable and he is not responding to chemo. I feel just terrible about it. I have known her for 13 yrs. We kept in touch even after we stopped working together. It is really difficult to know what to say or how to respond.
|
|
Jaguar
Administrator
Fear does not stop death. It stops life.
Joined: Dec 20, 2011 6:07:45 GMT -5
Posts: 50,108
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IZlZ65.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Text Color: 290066
|
Post by Jaguar on May 17, 2013 14:24:31 GMT -5
Okay the Cancer Support Thread is started on Healthy Living >> Physical Health. I've received some absolute dilly comments, but I know they are freaking scared shitless. My brother who gets the brunt of my venting feels so sorry for me, but it's what he feels sorry over. My surgery got bumped by three weeks or something. To me that was fine I cleaned my kitchen, but everyone else in my family was on pins and needles.
People don't need to walk on eggshells around me.
|
|