stupid comments about cancer

[toomuchreality]

You have to wonder... What were they thinking?  Followed by... Oh, they weren't!

[The Captain]

My sister is not allowed to use her work computer for personal use and does not have internet at home.  I am her research monkey.

When she found a lump and had it biopsied I was pulling down as much data as I could.  When the test results came back and her doctor did a *CRAPPY*!!!  job of explaining exactly what they meant, I was the one who researched it and explained it to her so she didn't go nuts before her visit to the oncologist.

So we both knew a lot of what she was going to go through even before the oncologist visit.  It was a very aggressive type of cancer and she needed chemo AND radiation treatment. 

When she called me after the first shower where clumps of hair were falling out my supportive responses were:  At least you won't have to spend as much on conditioner, and Well you won't be able to complain about the cost of hair dye anymore.  It got her mad enough at me to stop crying, then start laughing at the situation.  It really all you can do.

And yes, her hair did grow back just like I said it would.  Since chemo brings on early menopause she has wicked hot flashes and jokes about missing having a bald head at times.

[thyme4change]

I guess for the deeply religious those comments are comforting/nice - or at least coming from someone very religious - probably meant in a comforting way.

Yes, you would think that someone with great faith would be comforted by thoughts of heaven.  But recently, my very faithful MIL said that her faith was shaken when her 86 year old, chronically ill husband ended up in the hospital.  My husband (later) said "Her faith must have been much weaker than we thought.  Does she think her service to God exempts him from dying or something?!"  

[The Captain]

toomuchreality - sorry to hear your family is going through all that. 

Cancer sucks.

[toomuchreality]

May 16, 2013 18:29:11 GMT -5 The Captain said:

toomuchreality - sorry to hear your family is going through all that. 

Cancer sucks.

Aw thanks!

I don't know what's worse-  In my family we don't talk about stuff like this. Everyone just acts/pretends there isn't anything wrong. When my mom's Alzheimer's got so bad that she couldn't figure out how to use her key to get in the house, I finally got upset and said "Yes. There is something wrong!" Up to that point, everyone kept telling me they hadn't noticed. My sister had had a double mastectomy, and was getting chemo for many months, before she told any of us. It makes me a little but crazi-er.       -But what do ya do?

[sesfw]

With my cancer treatments I try to keep everything in a positive light when I'm talking to someone casual.  If I'm with someone that truly wants to know then I'll tell them a short version on how I'm really feeling and going through.

My ranting and raving gets done in a personal log on my computer.  I'm up to page 28 now.

When someone first learns of this with me, the only thing I want is 'I'm sorry to hear this'.  Then start treating me like I'm still alive and human.  Doing everyday things that I can do.

I've just completed #7 of a total of 12 treatments, both chemo and radiation, and frankly I feel like crap.  But I'm still doing things I can do.

I'm not in a hospital so I'm grateful for that.  We are planning a month long vacation in Russia in June 2014.  So I'm looking forward.  In 2016 is a trip to Austria.

[toomuchreality]

May 16, 2013 18:26:20 GMT -5 The Captain said:

My sister is not allowed to use her work computer for personal use and does not have internet at home.  I am her research monkey.

When she found a lump and had it biopsied I was pulling down as much data as I could.  When the test results came back and her doctor did a *CRAPPY*!!!  job of explaining exactly what they meant, I was the one who researched it and explained it to her so she didn't go nuts before her visit to the oncologist.

So we both knew a lot of what she was going to go through even before the oncologist visit.  It was a very aggressive type of cancer and she needed chemo AND radiation treatment. 

When she called me after the first shower where clumps of hair were falling out my supportive responses were:  At least you won't have to spend as much on conditioner, and Well you won't be able to complain about the cost of hair dye anymore.  It got her mad enough at me to stop crying, then start laughing at the situation.  It really all you can do.

And yes, her hair did grow back just like I said it would.  Since chemo brings on early menopause she has wicked hot flashes and jokes about missing having a bald head at times.

I glad your sister is doing well.  It was nice of you to care enough to do the research, and explain it.

Sometimes you just have to laugh.

[toomuchreality]

May 16, 2013 18:44:46 GMT -5 sesfw said:

With my cancer treatments I try to keep everything in a positive light when I'm talking to someone casual.  If I'm with someone that truly wants to know then I'll tell them a short version on how I'm really feeling and going through.

My ranting and raving gets done in a personal log on my computer.  I'm up to page 28 now.

When someone first learns of this with me, the only thing I want is 'I'm sorry to hear this'.  Then start treating me like I'm still alive and human.  Doing everyday things that I can do.

I've just completed #7 of a total of 12 treatments, both chemo and radiation, and frankly I feel like crap.  But I'm still doing things I can do.

I'm not in a hospital so I'm grateful for that.  We are planning a month long vacation in Russia in June 2014.  So I'm looking forward.  In 2016 is a trip to Austria.

  sesfw, I really am sorry to hear this. Honestly.
I agree, one of the worst things someone can do is suddenly treat you very differently.

Hearing what you prefer, and how you handle it is very helpful. I'm glad you posted.

[Deleted]

Take care friends!

[Deleted]

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

I guess for the deeply religious those comments are comforting/nice - or atleast coming from someone very religious - probably meant in a comforting way. It's all about the point of view of the person saying the words (and their intent).

This family was NOT deeply religious and these words of 'wisdom' were spoken to them by the hospital minister.

I'm sure it was meant in a comforting way, but the this person of the cloth needed to step back and see a couple of dejected kids and an infant being hauled around in a carrier (yeah, everyone was at the hospital that night and my friend died about 4 hours later).

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

When she found a lump and had it biopsied I was pulling down as much data as I could. When the test results came back and her doctor did a *CRAPPY*!!! job of explaining exactly what they meant, I was the one who researched it and explained it to her so she didn't go nuts before her visit to the oncologist.

Sadly, I can top this.  After they got the results of my mom's lung biopsy (the mass on her brain stem was found first), the doctor did not explain what the prognosis of her stage of disease was.  When my mom told me, I went to the medical school library and got out the most recent oncology text.  Lung + brain/liver/pancreas metastasis is a Stage 4 cancer, which at the time gave a prognosis of ~14 weeks.

The oncologist did not explain her prognosis to my folks, leaving it up to me to do the dirty work when I got up there a month later.  Until then, the doctor acted as if she was curable and berated my dad because apparently he was not doing very well in cooking for her, since she had ceased to eat.  So it all became my dad's fault that she didn't eat.  The oncologist neglected to tell him that the urge to eat starts to shut down towards the end and I had to find that information out from the nurse.

[sesfw]

'The minister said to her husband "God needs her in heaven, she needs to let go". I opened my mouth to say "don't you think her children need her a little more?", but realized that my point would be missed so I turned around and walked into the ladies room and kicked the door.'

Good for you.  Too bad the minister wasn't in front of the door when you kicked it.  Must have been a preacher that read all the books but never experienced a deep loss.


'(S)he is in a better place.'

I hit the ceiling when someone said that to me after DH#1 died.  I just looked at her long enough for her to turn away very embarrassed.

[Gardening Grandma]

Sesfw and toomuchreality,
I am sorry.
DH is in week 5 of radiation and it is the pits. He's in pain and is pissey and cranky. He yelled at me earlier tonight and I just started crying. ( He never does that and apologized later).

The best thing friends said to me (and I'm including my YM friends) was "I'm sorry". and "Please keep me/us posted"
The first acknowledges my pain and fear. The second says "I care" and gives me permission to vent...

[Jaguar]

OH GG honey I'm so absolutely sorry.

[Jaguar]

Cancer brings out everyone's fears of death and the unknown, basically everything that can't be controlled. People freak out and say stupid things.

[Gardening Grandma]

May 16, 2013 22:36:41 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

Cancer brings out everyone's fears of death and the unknown, basically everything that can't be controlled. People freak out and say stupid things.

True, but even when they say the wrong things, we know they care.....

[Jaguar]

My sister upstairs says just doozy things, but I know this scares her.

[Jaguar]

GG how many more weeks does your DH have left of Radiation treatments ?

[Gardening Grandma]

May 16, 2013 22:50:33 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

GG how many more weeks does your DH have left of Radiation treatments ?

One more week!  I do not know how people manage 10-12 weeks of this.  Thursdays and Fridays are the worst (because of the cumulative effects of 3-4 days straight).  I am limited to what I can prepare for meals because he has trouble swallowing.  His skin is a deep red with blistering (he is a redhead with hyper sensitive skin).  He applies a special cream several times daily that is supposed to help and he is taking ibuprofin several times a day to help with the pain....

Sorry.  It does help to vent a bit.  He is so touchy and snappy that I am walking on eggshells.  I can't talk to him about my fears (that's the last thing he needs right now).  I am trying to be a rock for him but inside I'm a mess....

[Jaguar]

Oh GG honey that's what we are all here for, vent away. Really I am so sorry.

[taz157]

May 16, 2013 23:06:47 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

Oh GG honey that's what we are all here for, vent away. Really I am so sorry.

Yeah that!! The same applies to you too, Sug. ((((((Hugs))))))) to both of you and others dealing with cancer.

[Gardening Grandma]

Thanks suglite and taz.   

[Jaguar]

I'm 12 days from my surgery for lung cancer. I have a really good rapport with my surgeon. Then it's radiation and I don't know how that will go. For updates when I'm in the hospital see The Earth Muffin's Mellow Coffee Shop Thread on EE. Moon will be leaving messages about me on there.

[Gardening Grandma]

May 16, 2013 23:17:56 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

I'm 12 days from my surgery for lung cancer. I have a really good rapport with my surgeon. Then it's radiation and I don't know how that will go. For updates when I'm in the hospital see The Earth Muffin's Mellow Coffee Shop Thread on EE. Moon will be leaving messages about me on there.

Gosh, I didn't know.  I am so sorry....  I will be sending warm thoughts and checking for updates....  How about family/friends?  Do you have a good support network?

Do you know  yet, how many weeks of radiation they will want you to have?

[Jaguar]

Family and friends and the Canadian Cancer Society, I registered on Tuesday. My nodules are all small so the doctors are all beyond optimistic.

No clue what they want to do. They just talked about Gamma Knife Radiation for the Left Side 11mm and largest nodule. That one didn't light up on the PET scan like the tinier ones on the Right Side did. It's the Right Side tiny nodules that they are removing, the largest being .09cm. So not even a mm in size.

[Gardening Grandma]

May 16, 2013 23:26:41 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

Family and friends and the Canadian Cancer Society, I registered on Tuesday. My nodules are all small so the doctors are all beyond optimistic.

Good news about the small nodules.  Does that mean they caught it early?  

One thing I've learned about radiation is not plan too much on Thursdays/Fridays...  By Sunday and Monday, the body has had a chance to recover a bit and has more energy....  It took me this long to figure this out....   We had a full day today and exhausted him.  My mistake.  

[Jaguar]

Yeah they caught it REALLY EARLY for lung cancer.


Thanks for that tip, I'll schedule other things for early in the week then.

[Gardening Grandma]

May 16, 2013 23:32:59 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

Thanks for that tip, I'll schedule other things for early in the week then.

Also, he really did not feel much in the way of side effects the first 2-3 weeks.  It started in week 4....  

[Jaguar]

May 16, 2013 23:35:12 GMT -5 Gardening Grandma said:

May 16, 2013 23:32:59 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

Thanks for that tip, I'll schedule other things for early in the week then.

Also, he really did not feel much in the way of side effects the first 2-3 weeks.  It started in week 4....  

I've heard that that week 4 to 6 is when the exhaustion starts and other assorted whatnots.