thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,510
|
Post by thyme4change on May 8, 2013 13:28:07 GMT -5
We all carry around a lot of baggage with us from our history. I don't have any major trauma in my life, but only the normal stuff that we all go through in the process of growing up. I have tried to overcome the baggage that my mother is a kill-joy, and made me feel bad for being who I am. I think I'm doing a pretty decent job at this one. I've tried to get over my other petty things, but I'm not sure I'm even aware of crap I've been carrying around, because every once in a while a sore subject will pop up and I will get very defensive.
Do you have demons from your past that show up at unexpected times and make you react a little stronger than maybe you would normally when discussing seemingly mundane matters? What are your triggers? What triggers have you overcome, and how did you do it?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Jul 8, 2024 3:21:35 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 8, 2013 13:38:22 GMT -5
I'm still a work in progress... ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/sad.png) Knowing you've got a problem is half of the solution...
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,436
|
Post by swamp on May 8, 2013 13:39:37 GMT -5
I had a boringly normal childhood with boringly normal parents. I don't think I have baggage, or maybe just a carry on.
actually, i do have some baggage that has to do with my parents being very busy and having two older siblings that really didn't want much to do wiht me.
I'm working on it.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,559
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 8, 2013 13:45:09 GMT -5
A friend of mine jokes that if you want to see my head spin mention a student I had to deal with for a summer.
She doesn't really come up anymore but I think about it when we're discussing bringing a student into the lab. I never say anything out loud but my blood pressure starts to rise. I'm 2:2 as far as summer students here so my blood pressure doesn't shoot thru the roof like it used to at the mere thought of having students in the lab.
I can still get a little heated when talking about my brother. Usual trigger is my mom mentioning he needs to "find himself" or that he quit yet another job. I've learned no good comes from opening my mouth so I just smile and nod.
I haven't really over come any of it, it just fades over time.
|
|
imawino
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 22:58:16 GMT -5
Posts: 5,362
|
Post by imawino on May 8, 2013 13:53:31 GMT -5
Ugh, no - I have not jettisoned my baggage. Unfortunately, I'm carrying it in saddlebags on my thighs!
In reality, I have a shit ton of baggage I have not dealt with. But I am really good at repressing, so that's a bonus. But being able to repress your own shit can make you lack empathy towards people in your life who can't do the same. I have been told that I am "cold and impossible to know" and "the least sympathetic person on the planet". And while I like to think I'm not really the absolute LEAST, I'm sure there is some kernel of truth there.
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 21,656
|
Post by giramomma on May 8, 2013 13:54:36 GMT -5
This is really, really, stupid, but I got through a good amount of life with a ton of self-talk.
So, when I get triggered for my husband's stuff, I just try to breathe and repeat "He is not that person anymore." until I believe it again. For my husband's stuff, I'm more prone to trigger when I'm exhausted. And, if I'm in a bad enough way, it's pretty much anyone in a skirt.
When I get triggered back to my childhood experiences, what I use for self talk depends on the person. If my kids trigger me, then I remind myself to keep a tight mouth and let it go. Usually, though, I'll take things out on my husband. I just try to remember to be kind to him. For my folks, sometimes I have to stop reading here..as that will trigger me. Other times, me talking with them will do it too.
The biggest thing that I've done to help myself is to simply stop emotionally reacting to everything. For me, it was a learned behavior. For the most part, I've unlearned it. But, I also needed to for my husband and my kids' sake.
I also need to make sure I take 15 minutes out every day doing something that I find that grounds me. For me, it's working with some variation of a needle and a thread (stitching, knitting, crocheting, what have you.) There's something incredibly comforting to me about that rhythm that develops. I get totally zen with it.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,559
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 8, 2013 13:59:01 GMT -5
I still carry around baggage from my husband's relapse. We had to go to therapy for that one. The hurt/insult isn't ever going to go away, really. I remind myself that I made the decision to stay married and trust he's back on the wagon. I can't keep raking him over the coals in my head. Lucky for us DH's addiction is pretty easy to avoid with all the new regulations out there, but he's been passing kidney stones again and I do worry his pill farming doctor is going to hand him another script. Oops, that's some more baggage. I am still BEYOND pissed at his doctor who had an ethical duty to stop handing DH pain pills like they are candy. I don't care that DH says he "played him", he is a medical professional for fucks sake, do the math when your patient shows up a week after you gave him a 30 day supply and wants a refill. Trigger for that one is whenever MIL or DH start talking about this doctor like he is God. I got quite angry the last time DH brought him up.
|
|
sheilaincali
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 17:55:24 GMT -5
Posts: 4,131
|
Post by sheilaincali on May 8, 2013 14:05:16 GMT -5
I did nearly three years of rather intensive therapy to try to work through my baggage. I have dealt with a good bit of it but there are still things that pop up all the time and trigger things for me.
I've been getting better at working through them and not getting bogged down by them but the most random things will trigger all of this emotional and irrational bs in me. Exhausting.
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 21,656
|
Post by giramomma on May 8, 2013 14:09:02 GMT -5
I also was in and out of therapy from my early 20's to my early 30's. It took a while to find the right therapist for me.
|
|
|
Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 8, 2013 14:13:29 GMT -5
A friend of mine jokes that if you want to see my head spin mention a student I had to deal with for a summer.
She doesn't really come up anymore but I think about it when we're discussing bringing a student into the lab. I never say anything out loud but my blood pressure starts to rise. I'm 2:2 as far as summer students here so my blood pressure doesn't shoot thru the roof like it used to at the mere thought of having students in the lab.
I wonder if this isn't an occupational hazard for all of us. I had one student a couple years ago that I broke down and kicked out of the lab. In 30 years of teaching summer students, she is the only one that I expelled. When I think of her, I can feel my blood pressure increase.
I can count the summer students who were a joy to work with on one hand (so roughly 5/30). The ones that were ok are about 20/30. The ones that I utterly dreaded coming into work to deal with would be the last remaining 5, but the last one took the cake.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,510
|
Post by thyme4change on May 8, 2013 14:13:51 GMT -5
giramomma - I have used self-talk too. After this weekend, I'm trying to figure out what to say to myself the next time the subject comes up. I feel like I'm going down a rabbit hole, because I thought "This isn't that big of a deal." And then my brain just kept pouring more and more subjects on top of it that related and all of a sudden, I'm 13 years old and every insecurity I have about myself is a brand new feeling. So, even though we were talking about something totally unrelated, and I've grown up nicely educated with a decent career, I'm kicking myself about being a shitty student. It was 30 years ago, woman, who cares?!
|
|
haapai
Junior Associate
Character
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 20:40:06 GMT -5
Posts: 5,955
|
Post by haapai on May 8, 2013 14:15:08 GMT -5
Not really.
Probably the worst thing that happened to me as a kid was being in a foreign country when a nasty regime change occurred. I didn't see the violence and people weren't permitted to talk to me about it. All I really knew was that all of the adults around me were skittish. There were a lot of soldiers with very large guns walking around and nobody seemed to want to have anything to do with them. I also got to watch my parents and everyone else be very nice and extremely friendly to these soldiers.
I coped with it by reading the stories of people who had escaped from Cambodia in the Readers' Digests that were floating around. I thought this could give me some tips as to what to take with me if we needed to take a jungle route out of the country. This probably wasn't a very good choice.
We landed up leaving by air. There were a lot of soldiers at the airport carrying very large guns.
I don't react well when I see armed TSA agents at our airports.
But that doesn't happen too often and isn't all that debilitating when it does.
Basically, I've convinced myself that not liking the sight of uniformed people with guns is not really that bad of a reaction to have.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Jul 8, 2024 3:21:35 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 8, 2013 14:18:08 GMT -5
No. I'm seeing a therapist and lately have taken a lot of steps towards that goal. I feel defensive quite a bit but I'm usually able to talk myself down. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png)
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,459
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on May 8, 2013 14:19:22 GMT -5
Still have my fair share. Working though the loss of my mother is certainly worth a small Samsonite, at least. Watching my husband's health very slowly, but surely start to take a turn for the old age issues is something else to work through. He's not sick, but getting older, and the stuff that comes with it. Plus he's not good about taking care of himself, and I suck at babysitting him. I can't do the stay-at-his-side thing all the time. Life still calls and I need to get out. Having a brother who sucks at dealing with life and taking care of his family would be another issue.
The brother issue is one to jettison, certainly. I can't fix it, and it's tiring to think about. I can care about and for DH without being the nag. The grief issue is what it is.
I am taking some time this weekend to go run an out-of-area race, swim and meet up with a friend for lunch. Sometimes, you cannot completely get rid of the baggage; you just have to walk away from it for awhile.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,510
|
Post by thyme4change on May 8, 2013 14:24:19 GMT -5
At the airport they say never to leave your bags unattended. But, I guess we can bend the rules for emotional baggage. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/grin.png)
|
|
Sum Dum Gai
Senior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 15:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 19,892
|
Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 8, 2013 14:40:28 GMT -5
Most days I'd say yes, every once in a while something happens that hits me way harder than it should.
I just found out that a couple kids have been bullying my younger daughter at school and saying they're going to beat her up. The two kids doing it are boys. Yesterday my older one saw her sister crying on the playground and found out about it. She told the main kid to leave her sister alone and he called her a fat bitch. My daughter's went to the principals office to report it, like they should. When she told me what happened I told her that if she sees the boy anywhere near her sister again I want her to break his nose. Probably not my best parenting moment right there. I was so amazingly livid.
The kid doing it was really good friends with my older daughter last year. I liked him, he was quirky, and seemed like a good kid. If I see him again I'll be letting him know that if he lays one finger on either of my daughters or ever talks to one of them that way again I'll beat his sorry ass to a bloody pulp.
I know that I'm over-reacting. I know that my daughters are handling it correctly. I spent a good chunk of my childhood scared and hiding bruises. I'll be damned if either of my kids are going to go through that.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Jul 8, 2024 3:21:35 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 8, 2013 15:04:59 GMT -5
Are you freakin' kidding me? If I got rid of my baggage, I wouldn't have anything to entertain me except Tucker the Perfectly Good Cat, and there are times when he's not one bit interested in my company. I carry my baggage in steamer trunks ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/grin.png) Anyway, people with no baggage must have lived incredibly boring lives ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/sleepy.gif)
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Jul 8, 2024 3:21:35 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 8, 2013 15:14:10 GMT -5
Most days I'd say yes, every once in a while something happens that hits me way harder than it should. I know that I'm over-reacting. I know that my daughters are handling it correctly. I spent a good chunk of my childhood scared and hiding bruises. I'll be damned if either of my kids are going to go through that.I used to get picked on by bunch of boys when I was a little girl for my small frame and being an female. When I think about it now I can't really blame them for picking on me I was as much fault as they were. I was pretty much an instigator most of the times. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/grin.png) But I still have a tendency to overreact to opposite sex when they talking down female to nothing but a empty figurehead. I guess that's my hangup.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on May 8, 2013 15:15:27 GMT -5
I've always had insecurities about being left out of a group - might come from being the oldest of three (the younger two were a year apart so usually did things together).
My dad was a tyrannical asshole, but he wasn't around much, which was probably good - but still painful. He had a kid with a 20yo when I was 20, and another kid when I was 21. It triggered all kinds of weird abandonment shit. Later that year my cousin, who was my best friend throughout my childhood, died. So I was in a pretty bad place for a while.
It all came to a head after we moved in with DH's family while looking for jobs. Living with them showed me what my childhood could have been like if I'd grown up in a regular, non-dysfunctional family, and the sense of loss really threw me for a loop.
These days I'm over it. DH is a really good grounding influence, he is so damn calm about everything that sometimes I wonder if he's really human. He was bullied pretty badly for his weight as a kid but it doesn't seem to have affected him. Must be that non-dysfunctional upbringing.
|
|
Jaguar
Administrator
Fear does not stop death. It stops life.
Joined: Dec 20, 2011 6:07:45 GMT -5
Posts: 50,108
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IZlZ65.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Text Color: 290066
|
Post by Jaguar on May 8, 2013 15:16:11 GMT -5
Memories are malleable, I learned that with a Meditation course I took.
Like everyone else I have them, I've just found creative ways to deal with them.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,770
|
Post by raeoflyte on May 8, 2013 15:21:26 GMT -5
I think I'm developing new baggage... Haven't decided what to do about it though.
|
|
happyhoix
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Oct 7, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
Posts: 21,112
|
Post by happyhoix on May 8, 2013 15:23:07 GMT -5
Actually funny you should mention that, but I just ditched a bunch of baggage this weekend.
I've had a toxic relationship with my youngest sibling since childhood. I'm in my fifties now, so that's been a really long time.
We've had this relationship where she was the constant victim and her siblings are the villians. Very small things - a missed phone call, a misinterpreted statement, a joke she took the wrong way, a sigh, failing to do something she wanted, failing to do something in the exact manner she wanted - all those things were cause enough to send her into what she calls her 'melt downs.' These are long rants about how horrible we are to her. How we've always been mean to her. Trying to explain that she misinterpreted something you said or trying to apologize is pointless and only makes her rage longer and harder. Then she enters the sulk stage, which is the cold shoulder from anywhere from a few weeks to months, depending on how angry she is. Then, once she's finally over being mad, she starts talking to you like nothing ever happened. No apology for the vile things she said. No explaination on what set her off - and about 50% of the time, I've never known what it was that pulled her trigger.
She's this way with her husband, with all her siblings, with her two SIL's, and her MIL's husband. She was a SAHM for a long time, and now that she's re-entered the work force she can't keep a job more than a couple years at a time, because she becomes convinced her boss hates her and is deliberately trying to make her life miserable. She comes home and has melt downs every evening until her DH allows her to quit her job.
My oldest sibling hasn't talked to her in years. I've always tried to maintain a relationship with her, because it was important to our mother that the family stay close. However, my mom has dementia now, so it no longer matters. So this weekend, little sister took offense to something I wrote in an email. She sent me six poisonous emails within 3 hours, each more vile and furious than the last. She outlined the list of my offenses, going back to when we were just kids. She explained how saintly she was. After the 2nd email, I only read the first line of the message, than deleted the rest. I considered doing the usual - waiting for her to blow over, apologizing, letting her sulk - but then I said fuck it. I wrote her an email and said our relationship was over.
She sent more emails. Again I would only read the first line, then deleted them. There were about eight, since the weekend, but finally today, she stopped, so with any luck, I won't hear from her anymore. Ever.
So I guess I should feel bad. I think she has some kind of mental illness. I'm sorry she only has one family member willing to talk to her anymore (other than mom with dementia). I'm sorry she walks around with all that rage inside her. I'm sorry for her husband and especially her kids. But damn do I feel good that I discarded that old steaming sack of useless baggage. No more having to be subjected to shrieking tirades!! No more being the constant villian in her melodramatic life!
|
|
Jaguar
Administrator
Fear does not stop death. It stops life.
Joined: Dec 20, 2011 6:07:45 GMT -5
Posts: 50,108
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IZlZ65.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Text Color: 290066
|
Post by Jaguar on May 8, 2013 15:59:49 GMT -5
Congrats happy. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/thumbsup.png)
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,510
|
Post by thyme4change on May 8, 2013 16:35:30 GMT -5
This is a big one for me, too. My parents have a very good relationship, and my sisters are very close in age, so I was a 5th wheel for my entire childhood. I made a conscious attempt to stop taking everything so personally. If two friends go out for lunch and don't invite me - it isn't an affront to my existence - they just went to lunch. But it does happen that people will do something and I'll feel left out. The best I can do is not react, and name that feeling as something left-over from childhood.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Jul 8, 2024 3:21:35 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 8, 2013 17:20:02 GMT -5
I do have baggage. A lot of it is tucked away in "the box" in my head. I'm very good at putting painful things in the box and making it disappear instead of dealing with it. That's not necessarily a good thing. It's only been a few years since I even realized I had baggage. I don't think suppressing things is good long term. Whatever you're trying to avoid dealing with just shows up somewhere else in your life. And for me, it screwed up my emotions.
I've worked out a few things, some things I'm still working on, and there are probably some more issues I'm still unaware of.
I'm not sure I have triggers that make me over react to a mundane conversation. Maybe I misunderstood the question in the OP.
There are situations that may cause a strong reaction because of my baggage. A simple one to explain would be that I get very anxious being in unfamiliar surroundings by myself. I've worked on it by being in unfamiliar places by myself. When I work up the nerve to travel somewhere by myself, it will be quite an accomplishment for me lol.
I do a lot of self-talk also. It's usually some variation of "Get over yourself girlie" when I catch myself making a mountain out of a molehill.
|
|
trimommy
Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2, 2011 17:08:18 GMT -5
Posts: 107
|
Post by trimommy on May 8, 2013 19:06:07 GMT -5
How funny to read this post today of all days after going to my first session with a psychologist. I've been very tired and feeling burned out for almost a year now, and I just wanted someone to talk things through with.
We quickly and unexpectedly (to me) got to the topic of how I discovered my mom was cheating on my dad while I was in high school. It became obvious that I have a lot of repressed anger and fear about this and the psychologist now wants to spend time working through it.
Honestly, I felt worse after I left than I did when I went in. I don't want to work through this. It will be incredibly painful and emotional and I already don't have the energy for any of it. I have a job and family to maintain and don't really want to start digging through these things at $150/session. What can we honestly do that is going to make me feel better about any of this? None of it will be undone and I'm already getting incredibly anxious just thinking about it.
So, no, I have not jettisoned my baggage. I don't know if I have the energy to throw it overboard.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Jul 8, 2024 3:21:35 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 8, 2013 19:45:42 GMT -5
My baggage is honestly part of me. Sure, I might choose to jettison it, but then I might not be me any more. It's what make me independent and financially responsible. Some of it isn't attractive and some of it has held me back, but overall I am pretty accepting of who I am. I understand why I am the way I am (most of my issues are really, really transparent). If I honestly wanted to be different, I could probably make it happen all by myself although it would be uncomfortable. However, I did jettison my ex-husband, which did help the situation. He wasn't nearly as accepting of my flaws as I am. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png)
|
|
GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
Senior Associate
"How you win matters." Ender, Ender's Game
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 13:33:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,291
|
Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on May 8, 2013 21:09:17 GMT -5
Along the lines of SouthernSusana's post, my baggage reminds me that there is evil in the world. While I genuinely believe most people are good, the flip side is that certainly not everyone is. I was very trusting and naive for far too long. I needed the wakeup call I got from some very real harm and trauma. And, I need the constant reminder that my baggage provides that evil is always in our midst. So, *maybe* I overreact to triggers. Or, maybe, my well-developed gut instinct is sending me a warning. Either way, I think I'm a wiser and more mature person as a result.
|
|
Peace Of Mind
Senior Associate
[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:53:02 GMT -5
Posts: 15,554
Location: Paradise
|
Post by Peace Of Mind on May 9, 2013 0:10:17 GMT -5
I just bought matching shoes to go with my baggage. It's made me who I am - good or bad.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on May 9, 2013 0:26:11 GMT -5
I don't DO baggage. I just DSL everything to the next location on my itinerary. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png)
|
|