skubikky
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Post by skubikky on May 3, 2013 12:11:21 GMT -5
Among the people i know living together, the majority are women who would like to get married living with men who are hemming and hawing. I agree. IME, that is often the mindset. Many women and men I suppose, figure that once they move in together that getting married is something that they'll be able to convince or coerce their partner into. Or, if the couple is already engaged and moving in together it's more expedience. I see it as a big commitment even if the couple hasn't decided on whether or not they're going to be married. I've observed several couples I know who co-habitat-ed and then broke up. Very tough situation each time. This is as opposed to breaking off a relationship but not having to deal with splitting up a household or just moving house.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2013 12:15:38 GMT -5
Engagement and marriage were never going to be on the horizon when DH and I decided to move in together. Neither one of us wanted to get married or have kids.
We happily co-habitated for years before my damn biological clock started going off.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on May 3, 2013 12:16:20 GMT -5
I moved in with my BF, now my husband, for the exact purpose of testing the waters.
You do not REALLY know someone until you live with them 24/7. I view cohabitation as a necessary step before marriage. My parents did not feel the same way and pitched a big fit about it. They got over it, we have been married 30 years this coming August.
We call our anniversary party the "Annual Beating the Odds Celebration". LOL, this is sooooooo us! "Everybody" (his Jewish family and my Christian "friends") told us not to get together, and then not to get married. My father came from a very old-world, Catholic Italian immigrant family and he was fond of telling me that proper Italian ladies only left the family home one of two ways: either in a wedding gown or a coffin. While I hated losing him so early in life (he had a heart attack when I was in college), in a strange way I was grateful he was out of the way so I could get on with my life (does that sound too harsh?). My mother pitched a fit because I moved in with now-DH when escrow closed on our first home - three months before the wedding. There was no way I was going to continue incurring double living expenses just to satisfy her need to appear "proper" to the world and to her friends. I wanted to be with DH. And we are still together - also 30 years in August. Good for you, bookkeeper! We beat the odds too. Oh, and ps: the Christian pastor who verbally trounced me with a lecture about being "unequally yoked" and refused to marry me ended up getting divorced. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png) So there!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 3, 2013 12:17:10 GMT -5
DH was the one getting all commitment-y on me.
he asked me to marry him, he talked about marriage first, he talked about kids first, and he was annoyed that we postponed the wedding for a year because I didn't want to get married the same year as my brother.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2013 12:30:02 GMT -5
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 3, 2013 14:01:06 GMT -5
I lived with my husband for a few months before we got married. We had been engaged for a year and a half and the wedding was a few months away. For us, it was the next step. If I were to divorce, I'm not sure I would ever want to live with someone again.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 3, 2013 14:04:09 GMT -5
DH was the one getting all commitment-y on me.
he asked me to marry him, he talked about marriage first, he talked about kids first, and he was annoyed that we postponed the wedding for a year because I didn't want to get married the same year as my brother. Wait...you were upset about your brother getting married, were you?? Never mind, you aren't from WV! ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2013 14:33:21 GMT -5
I wouldn't do it again.
I bought a 2-family house with a guy I was dating when I was 25. I saw it as a way to combine our resources to get into the real estate market. He saw it as the next step and wanted to pretty much live in my part of the house. Once, when I told him I needed time alone, he whined, "I HATE it up there!" (He had the upstairs.)
Out of the frying pan into the fire. I met the guy who eventually became my first husband. Sparks flew. Moving in with him made meore sense than vice versa- he had a new condo, I had a disgruntled former lover in my place. So I did. And eventually we sold the 2-family but New Guy had all kinds of "wants" to spend the proceeds on, so the money was soon gone. Yeah, I was young and stupid and my bio clock was ticking loudly. But every time we had an argument or things looked bad, I realized I had noplace to go unless I started all over again. All my furniture was gone- not up to the New Guy's standards. And that's the bad part about living together. Less-than-optimal relationships can hang together because of inertia. I got pregnant accidentally-on-purpose and we got married.
After my divorce I started dating current DH almost immediately, but we commuted between each other's houses for 6 years and didn't move in till we married. We'd spent plenty of nights together, traveled together... living together once we married wasn't really a big adjustment. That worked out much better.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 3, 2013 15:07:09 GMT -5
Judging by the responses, it means something to women that it doesn't mean to men. Good to know.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on May 3, 2013 15:08:13 GMT -5
Why would you have to do someone else's laundry just because you live with them? Df is a grown-ass man and does his own laundry. We'll throw a couple of things in with each other's wash from time to time, but Im not going to gather his clothes or do anymore laundry than necessary. We moved in together after knowing each other a few months. I don't know what I was thinking at the time since.I barely knew him, but it turns out that was the best risk of my life. I wasn't sitting around waiting to get married. Even though we're getting married soon, it's still just a piece of paper to me. Df was the one who waited for me to change my mind! Why buy the pig when you can get the sausage for free, am I right ladies? ;-) ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/yeahthat.gif) DH who was then DBF moved in my apt. after 6 weeks of dating. He was sharing an apt. with his sister and mine was much nicer and closer to work and I had it fully furnished with brand new stuff. I didn't like any of his stuff and suggested he let his sister keep it. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) I've also shared an apt. with a guy before I married DH1. We worked together and were good friends. Nobody believed it was platonic but it was. We got along great and had a blast but I had started dating DH1 and then moved in with him a few months before we got married. All situations worked out great with men. The one time I had a female roommate was a disaster and I'd most likely never do that again if I needed to share housing with somebody.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2013 17:00:23 GMT -5
Judging by the responses, it means something to women that it doesn't mean to men. Good to know. It depends. In the case of the house purchase, I saw it as a good way to buy a house in a market where neither of us could afford one on our own, but with separate living quarters so we had some independence. He saw it as the second-best thing to getting married and, I think, hoped that owning a house together would be such bliss I'd decide to marry him. It didnt' happen.
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sunshinegal1981
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Post by sunshinegal1981 on May 3, 2013 17:07:27 GMT -5
To me, living together is an incredibly special, intimate thing, and not something I would ever want to do with a man who wasn't my husband. I can't imagine sharing my life with my beloved, knowing that I had already had the same level of intimacy with some other man before him. (To me, cohabitation - the sharing of a life and a home - is infinitely more intimate than sex. I realize not everyone feels this way.)
When my boyfriend suggested we move in together a few years ago, I was really torn. We were committed, and knew we wanted to get married eventually, but he was adamant that he wanted to live together prior to marriage "to make absolutely 100% sure neither of us has any deal-breaker-y bad habits". I always thought I'd get married first, and we'd work out the inevitable 'adjustment issues' as husband and wife. He wouldn't budge.
I eventually opened my eyes to the fact that my boyfriend was honest, loving, responsible, and committed... in five years of dating he had NEVER given me a reason to be jealous, or to question his motives. My hesitation about living together came from a place of insecurity, and I came to realize I was punishing him for the sins of less responsible men. I ended up putting my trust in him, evaluating our relationship on its own merits instead of worrying about 'cohabitation success statistics', and we moved in together, with the understanding that it was a definite step along the way to marriage, and NOT out of convenience, saving money, or 'just to see where it goes'. We legally married four months ago, after almost 2.5 yrs of living together.
I have to admit that I do feel more secure in the relationship now that it's legally binding. I understand it's 'just a piece of paper', but to me, it's incredibly powerful to be told by someone, "I love you just the way you are, and I promise to love you forever, no matter what." I feel more giving, loving, and less defensive in the relationship now... I feel like I have become a better partner. Maybe that's just my own pathology -- I'm sure other people can achieve this without being married. *Shrug*.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2013 18:02:56 GMT -5
I married at 20, a month after graduating from college. Obviously, we didn't live together first.
In my early 50s, six or seven years after the divorce, I met a nice guy. My work was so far from where I lived, and his was as well. Our work locations were really close to each other. I bought a house, and he moved in with me.
I loved living with someone again. If you live alone, there are so many times you have to "phone a friend." Need minor surgery: call someone to take you there, stay, and bring you home. Got a contractor coming? You have to totally wait around for them whereas you might schedule on someone else's off day. You had someone to ask about your day, to care how you felt, and so on. We were supposedly engaged (ring even), but I knew we would never get married. He owed the IRS $20,000, and I wasn't willing to pay it.
My daughter (a little role reversal here) threw a fit and said she didn't know if she could let my grandkids visit if we weren't married. Yes, really. She didn't enforce that because both were toddlers at the time, but it was a threat she repeated often.
After BF and I broke up, DH and I rediscovered each other. He was fine with living together. I would have been, too. But I didn't want to lose my daughter or visiting with my grandchildren so I told him he would have to marry me. He was cool with that, and there were financial advantages for him like access to my insurance, which is very reasonable. I now get to be buried in a National cemetery, which is also cool.
I see living together as an end in itself, particularly if you are a senior. Many of us have been married, and we now don't want to muddle our financial security. I hope my daughter is just as happy with her ultimatum when I ask to live in her basement because all of my $$$ are going to support DH in the nursing home. He has so many heart issues that LTC hasn't been an option in 20 years.
If you were young, however, I'd veto the test-drive. If you were in a loving, committed relationship (that doesn't have to end in marriage), I'd be fine. But I'd hate for it to be a primarily a financial decision instead of a commitment issue.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2013 18:42:12 GMT -5
Judging by the responses, it means something to women that it doesn't mean to men. Good to know. I'd say more, if both parties agree on what it means, it works out. If they don't, it doesn't.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2013 18:47:24 GMT -5
I see living together as an end in itself, particularly if you are a senior. Many of us have been married, and we now don't want to muddle our financial security. I hope my daughter is just as happy with her ultimatum when I ask to live in her basement because all of my $$$ are going to support DH in the nursing home. He has so many heart issues that LTC hasn't been an option in 20 years. Yeah, there's a lot of living together going on among seniors, especially if the woman will lose a widow's pension if she remarries. I believe that if she's on SS with no record of her own (or her late husband made more money), a widow gets 75% of what the couple was getting. If she remarries, I suppose she gets half the new husband's pension, which is likely to be less. Not a criticism of SS- that's how it's set up, presumably because the expenses of a married couple are likely to be less than the expenses of 2 singles living apart- but you can dodge the cut in SS by not remarrying. And it certainly does simplify keeping your assets separate to protect your heirs, and keeps you from being bankrupted to pay for your spouse's long-term care.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on May 4, 2013 14:51:45 GMT -5
I think I did mention it on that thread, lol. It certainly gave me the proverbial wake up call. Well, my first instinct was to use the tapes strategically to alter his anatomy. A close second was to seriously question what in the heck I was doing there... I'm sorry that this happened to you as painful as it must have been, oped, but in a way, he didn't really realize that he gave you the perfect gift. It would seem that in his eyes, he was perfect, and you were going to be the one who had to do all of the changing. He opened your eyes and you saw that his heart was dark and cold, and you escaped having your heart really, really broken down the road. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/smiley.png)
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 4, 2013 15:26:00 GMT -5
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on May 6, 2013 0:56:48 GMT -5
I have lived together twice. First time was 1967 and started by misunderstanding. He was staying at my apartment and said he had to go home, work the next day and needed clean clothes and shave, I said why don't you bring your stuff here. He thought I meant move in, I just meant bring a change of clothes and razor. He was a merchant seaman between shipping out so everything he owned fit in a duffel bag. He gave up his place and brought his stuff to my place. I ended up pregnant after a couple of months and lost the baby. We both decided we really wanted a baby so we got married after 7 months. I never got pregnant again.
Last time was 1986 I owned a house, he rented a house. His dog was staying at my house most nights since he worked swing shift and I had a fenced yard and he didn't. So he would leave his dog and moved his tv in since I didn't have one. He would come at midnight to get his dog and end up staying over so he was there when I went to work and his dog there when I got home. He seldom went to his house just to get mail or pay bills or things like that. Seemed silly for him to pay rent for a place he didn't ever sleep. I was trying to pay down the mortgage and living very cheap so when spending $7 a week bowling I told him I was going to need to get a roommate and he offered to move in. We split the profit from him not keeping a house so I could pay down my mortgage faster.
So far so good living together, he talked marriage once but when he said he would marry me I laughed out loud. I explained why marriage was a really bad idea so now he doesn't really want to marry either. He says he will marry me a year before he dies so I can collect on his pension, I was polite enough not to laugh out loud at the idea I would marry him. Maybe I will when he is very old but I don't think so, I don't want to pay for a nursing home for him, I will see what happens.
It is harder to break up if you are shacking up. He doesn't have furniture or appliances but so much other stuff an apartment wouldn't work for him. He almost has to stay or put his camper in storage and a lot of other things or live in the camper. But he likes living with me so isn't looking to move out. I want a new house and will make sure to pick one he will like with room for his stuff too. This house was picked when he was with me and has plenty of space for his stuff.
Shacking up is serious it might last 50 years so if you aren't pretty sure it will work out you shouldn't do it. If you want to get married don't shack up there isn't a way to get them to want to change when life is too good.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2013 2:13:11 GMT -5
Goose is the 2nd guy I lived with. I kind of lived with my ex, but not completely. We had seperate apartments, but he never stayed at his. I think he may have slept there maybe 5 times the entire year. He paid his rent on his apartment, I paid rent on mine. He bought food at my apartment. If you count that, then I lived with 3 guys. I didn't live with any of them because I thought it would turn into a marriage. I lived with them because it was cheaper, more convenient, I loved them, and it was easier to have sex. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/smiley.png) Goose got all committmenty on me. He is the one who wanted to get married. I didn't care if we ever got married. I was fine just living together. I didn't need a piece of paper. We have been married almost 16 years. I have told my kids to live with someone before marriage. Goose has told them the same thing. He didn't live with his first wife and they ended up divorced 3 years later. He wished he would have realized they weren't compatible before they got married.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on May 6, 2013 4:35:11 GMT -5
In my experience living together is better.....You have to try that bit harder because of the uncertainty You maintain your independence....you are not the property of someone else and are on more of an equal footing. Once that ring goes on........Well..... in the words of Tina Arena.... "I'm in chains" ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/smiley.png)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2013 8:28:29 GMT -5
Huge step. Followed only by getting a pet together before marriage.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2013 8:38:38 GMT -5
In my experience living together is better.....You have to try that bit harder because of the uncertainty You maintain your independence....you are not the property of someone else and are on more of an equal footing. DH is my property? Wow, wait till I tell him! Seriously- while you and I probably agree on the legal and tax baggage that the state imposes on people who marry, unless you marry a tyrant of either sex, marriage does not consist of being manacled together. It's a partnership.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 6, 2013 9:05:51 GMT -5
My DH and I spent most of our dating life living together. Course, it started out with more roommates, and then eventually, when we were engaged, it was just us.
Initially we moved in together for financial reasons. Having one more person live in our house meant cheaper rent, which we all needed. I wasn't really interested in the extra companionship, getting to know each others bad habits, doing laundry and chores together, etc. When we moved in together, I know DH's mom wasn't happy. She sent him an email about us playing house. But, that shows how little she really knew me at the time.
So, I don't really see moving in together as anything more than something of convenience.
My DH was an addict before we started dating. He was really good at hiding his addiction. Really, really good. Even after living together for 4 years before marriage, I never "discovered" his addiction. That came nearly 5 years into our marriage.
I don't know what we'll tell our kids. You don't necessarily get to see all the deal breakers by living with someone, unless you are together 24/7. Assuming at least one party in the relationship works, it's not possible to know another human being 100%. I don't think that living together reduces the risk of picking the wrong person.
And, after watching my parents' marriage, living with someone does not guarantee intimacy. That's something else I will be sharing with my kids. (But, we're already modeling a different marriage, so that should help.)
I will encourage my kids not to join finances/assets without some legal paperwork-whether it be a marriage license or several trips to a lawyer.
I will teach them that relationships are risky business. You cannot control the other parties behavior. I will always encourage them to be prepared however they see fit in case their partner changes behavior and they no longer find the behavior acceptable.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on May 6, 2013 9:40:15 GMT -5
DH is the only romantic partner I've lived with (I had male roommates through most of grad school but wasn't involved with them). We moved in together because I was already moving cross country to be with him, and it seemed stupid not to live together. There wasn't really any such thing as levels to our relationship, though--I knew within a week of starting to date him that we were going to spend our lives together. It was nice that he agreed to get married when I wanted to, but it hasn't really changed anything (except our tax liability). From the very early days, neither of us has regarded the other as anything less than absolutely necessary. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/heart.png)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2013 15:06:33 GMT -5
If someone is moving in with me, I've already had sex with them. Several times. I'm real late to this thread...but all kinds of ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/yeahthat.gif)
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 7, 2013 15:39:54 GMT -5
It means something to the one benefitting from the arrangement.
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