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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2013 9:52:43 GMT -5
In reading another thread it occurred to me that perhaps my difference of opinion is due to how I look at moving in together versus how some other people do.
To me moving in together isn't a level of a relationship like becoming exclusive, getting engaged, or getting married. It is more like deciding to have sex with someone. It might be escalating the intimacy of the relationship emotionally or it might not.
So what do you think? Is moving in together a relationship level and if so, what does it mean? LOl.... I never moved in with my DH before we got married. We dated for 2 years but never moved in. I had my own apartment with a roomate and he had his his own with his roommate. We just never saw the need. And yes, we were physically intimate before we got married. Plenty of sex and testing waters. Whenever we wanted to be together I would stay over at his place (his roomate used to travel a lot for work). No issues whatsoever. What I am trying to say is people can be very very intimate without living together. Vice versa is true as well, you can live together but not be very close or have frequent sex. Living together is a different kind of intimacy. You can have physical intimacy without living together. But then there is the sort of intimacy that comes from proximity - like you can no longer hide what a gross human being you are.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2013 9:55:20 GMT -5
My mother was horrified when DH, then BF, moved in with me. She wanted my father to "talk some sense into me, and what would everyone think" He said, she's 32 years old, it's her house, she pays for it, what would you like me to do about it? And nobody's going to think anything since everyone else does it. Not bad for a 65 year old catholic dude. LOL, my mother TOLD me to live with someone before marrying them to find out what they're like. Not bad for someone born in 1938. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) My dad wasn't so sure, LOL! And FWIW, I'm glad I did.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on May 3, 2013 9:59:23 GMT -5
DH is the only non-family-member with whom I've ever lived, unless you count dorm roommates. I moved in very stealthily... I went over there every night after work, and one day we both realized I hadn't been back to my mom's house for almost a month. Being able to fit all my wordly possessions in the back of a Ford Taurus helped. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png) We'd been friends for a decade at that point, so had already gotten past the getting-to-know-you stage. We didn't put much thought into it, it just sort of happened. If it hadn't worked out, I suppose I would've gone back to my mom's place til the end of the summer. I'd probably go nuts on my kid if s/he moved in with someone with as little forethought as I did. The hypocrisy starts early! ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png)
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imawino
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Post by imawino on May 3, 2013 10:02:47 GMT -5
Seriously. I love my free sausage, but feel no need to put a ring on it anytime soon.
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2013 10:04:21 GMT -5
KINKY! ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/grin.png)
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 3, 2013 10:06:29 GMT -5
Seriously. I love my free sausage, but feel no need to put a ring on it anytime soon. You really should try the ring. On the sausage, not on your hand.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on May 3, 2013 10:06:44 GMT -5
KINKY! ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/grin.png) Finally you notice! I've been trying to lure you in for ages. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png)
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Opti
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Post by Opti on May 3, 2013 10:07:12 GMT -5
What I meant by this is there are varying degrees of commitment when one makes this decision. Sometimes it comes from pressure from the other partner. For example with sex, "You'd do it if you loved me". Some folks have sex because they feel its the only way they will keep their partner and others because its a mutual happy step.
That's what I was trying to say, that the act IMHO, doesn't really imply much in the level of commitment. That's why to me what is said in making that decision determines whether it is someone who is just in it for the convenience and reduced costs or whether it is a mutual happy step forward. While sometimes "You'd do it if you loved me" is because the person does cherish the other it is often code for I just want you for sex. Hence the thread.
And Bob, interesting thought process. My guess is live-ins may cheat in the same percentage as married folk.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on May 3, 2013 10:12:39 GMT -5
Speaking for myself, you can get that level pretty much just by living with each other on weekends.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 3, 2013 10:13:59 GMT -5
Speaking for myself, you can get that level pretty much just by living with each other on weekends. Meh, you can hold it together for a weekend. The honeymoon is over when you fart in front of the other person.
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justme
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Post by justme on May 3, 2013 10:15:06 GMT -5
I do and don't see it as a level of a relationship. So far my saying has been that "I'm not moving in with a guy until a judge has to tell us who gets what when we split". I've just seen some nasty stuff when people cease living together - and it doesn't matter whether they're married or not, but at least married you have some protections.
I also don't see just cohabitating as an end so I wouldn't move in with someone to just "see how things go". I'd want it to be moving towards marriage, and at that point if you're talking about getting married before you move in and decide that's where you're going then you're basically engaged anyways. So you went from bf/gf to engaged but you just happen to have also moved in together.
I never got the whole having to live together before marriage to see how they are. I've gone over to bf's places enough to know how the live (messy/clean) and spent several 24+ hours together, often an entire weekend. Shouldn't that give you enough of an idea how it would be?
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swasat
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Post by swasat on May 3, 2013 10:15:09 GMT -5
Speaking for myself, you can get that level pretty much just by living with each other on weekends. I agree. Or by waking next each other. In my experience (not that I have much. DH was my most serious relationship), people are at their grossest when they wake up in the morning. You see habits you otherwise will never be privy to.
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justme
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Post by justme on May 3, 2013 10:16:13 GMT -5
Speaking for myself, you can get that level pretty much just by living with each other on weekends. Meh, you can hold it together for a weekend. The honeymoon is over when you fart in front of the other person. You didn't fart in front of your DH til you moved in?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 3, 2013 10:16:41 GMT -5
The honeymoon is over when you fart in front of the other person.
Ours was over six months into dating each other. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/melancholy.png)
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 3, 2013 10:18:28 GMT -5
Meh, you can hold it together for a weekend. The honeymoon is over when you fart in front of the other person. You didn't fart in front of your DH til you moved in? I don't remember. He would "live" with me when he was home on school breaks, so it probably was during one of those breaks.
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justme
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Post by justme on May 3, 2013 10:19:52 GMT -5
Ah, ok. Was starting to wonder if that's why I'm single. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png) Er, not that I go around farting all the time....
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 3, 2013 10:24:56 GMT -5
The honeymoon is over when you fart in front of the other person.
Ours was over six months into dating each other. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/melancholy.png) Our honeymoon was over on the second date.
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on May 3, 2013 10:29:46 GMT -5
And Bob, interesting thought process. My guess is live-ins may cheat in the same percentage as married folk. Maybe I interpreted your post wrong, but when you said "To me moving in together isn't a level of a relationship like becoming exclusive", I took this as saying that moving in together doesn't put the relationship on an exclusive level. I think it'd be weird to turn to the person that you're living and sleeping with and say "Honey, would you mind if I have Ted over tonight to f*%k his brains out?" But that's just me.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on May 3, 2013 10:31:24 GMT -5
To me having sex with someone and living together are on complete different levels. Having sex isn't a prerequisite for moving in with someone but I'd want to know them intimately before taking the financial and emotional risks that come with living together. My SO asked me before if I would live with someone before getting married and that was a definite yes while she was on the fence. I think there's just too much you learn about somoeone living together to skip that step and get married. One person basically living at the other person's place isn't the same as having all of their stuff there, being their full time and learning about that person what you only learn living together.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on May 3, 2013 10:33:31 GMT -5
Wait, there's a problem with getting the cow, the milk and while you're at it, a little meat and butter on the side? ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/tongue2.png)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2013 10:36:40 GMT -5
That's not kosher! ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/shocked.gif)
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on May 3, 2013 10:44:05 GMT -5
The honeymoon is over when you fart in front of the other person.
Ours was over six months into dating each other. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/melancholy.png) lol! First or second week for us.
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2013 10:46:53 GMT -5
I think it's a relationship escalation. Instead of dumping someone by text you have to pack up your stuff and find a new place to live. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png) It's a little more skin in the game. DH is the only guy I've lived with. When he asked me to move in I thought we were escalating the relationship but I didn't think it was a trial run for marriage because we'd only been dating a month at that point. DH was thinking about marriage.
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2013 10:48:38 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2013 10:49:47 GMT -5
That's not kosher! ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/shocked.gif) it is as long as you don't mix the meat and dairy! ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png)
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quince
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Post by quince on May 3, 2013 11:16:36 GMT -5
Either or, I think? We moved in together (in my mind) for convenience and financial considerations, but I would never have married him if we hadn't lived together first.
We actually bought a house together before we decided we'd get married. He's rather more a fan of marriage than I am, so...married, because why not give the guy I pay the mortgage with something he wants. We both gained financially, we both gained from having someone sharing the chores. We both gained companionship and sex on demand. Not every woman is on the prowl for a wedding ring. Also, we saved a bunch on car insurance when we started insuring together, and even more once we got married. If I'd have known that stuff was discounted for married people, I'd have done it sooner!
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Opti
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Post by Opti on May 3, 2013 11:24:50 GMT -5
And Bob, interesting thought process. My guess is live-ins may cheat in the same percentage as married folk. Maybe I interpreted your post wrong, but when you said "To me moving in together isn't a level of a relationship like becoming exclusive", I took this as saying that moving in together doesn't put the relationship on an exclusive level. I think it'd be weird to turn to the person that you're living and sleeping with and say "Honey, would you mind if I have Ted over tonight to f*%k his brains out?" But that's just me. Sorry if what I posted was unclear. Becoming exclusive is a well-defined choice, you actively commit to being with each other only. Never thought about it your way, but if you were both dating around and then moving in together I wouldn't automatically assume we became exclusive because of it. I'd need it spelled out and I wouldn't move unless that happened. Sharing living quarters doesn't to me imply the relationship is more serious than not living together, etc. It is basically a user-defined level if you want to make it one. Living together doesn't specify whether you are headed to marriage or dubbed self help tapes. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) Being exclusive tells you both of you won't be seeing other people.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on May 3, 2013 11:30:33 GMT -5
Personally, i think it benefits men more than women. Men get all the perks and bennies of marriage without any requirements or commitments on their part. Not sure what the point of it is. Basically it seems like a half hearted attempt to test the waters. How is it that the men are getting all the perks and benefits of marriage and the women are not? Aren't they both living in the same scenario here? They chose to move in together, now they are both living in the same house, presumably getting the same benefits. The only way anyone is disadvantaged by this scenario is if one was dishonest about what they want in the first place and are now resentful, or if they are just waiting to get married so they can be taken care of. If two grown human beings make a choice to move in together because that's what they both want, no one is being done a disservice.
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on May 3, 2013 11:31:48 GMT -5
That's not kosher! ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/shocked.gif) it is as long as you don't mix the meat and dairy! ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) Don't you mean the hubby and the intern? ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png)
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2013 12:07:14 GMT -5
![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/star.gif) POTD ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/star.gif) Bob!!!
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