amishgal
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Post by amishgal on Apr 11, 2013 11:51:06 GMT -5
I love my spouse and children with all my heart, but differently. I would run into a burning building to save my kids, DH knows he's on his own to get out.
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Deleted
Joined: Jun 26, 2024 12:14:13 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2013 11:53:21 GMT -5
Same here. Well, OUR child. The son I had before...doubtful. Sometimes I think he wishes he was out of the picture. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/sad.png) OMG that made me so sad! I can't imagine how it makes you feel. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/cry.gif) I'm just so thankful that his biological Dad is such a good one and spends a ton of time with him. But still, I know he feels like a second class citizen compared to his brother who apparently hung the moon and is worthy of nothing but constant doting on by stepdad. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/angry.png) Granted, I think he's a pretty awesome kid too, but I feel the same about both of them.
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
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"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
Joined: Feb 14, 2013 11:05:35 GMT -5
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on Apr 11, 2013 12:36:13 GMT -5
MPL, you created your own situation in regards to your eldest.
You had trials and tribulations with your current husband that though you may not have noticed it took time (and possibly energy) away from mothering your eldest son.
I also recall that you were quite happy only having one child but had your second child because YOU fell in line with your current husbands wish to have a bio child.
I recall threads along that line a few years ago. You stated that your current husband due to his catholic beliefs had you stepping through hoops in order to get married in the catholic church and also somewhat guilted you in to birthing him a bio child as he requested as you felt he deserved to experience parenthood with a bio child not just with a step-son.
I am not surprised that your eldest feels the way he does, he is taking his cues from you and your current husband. I am sure you are not doing it on purpose as I know you love and adore both of your boys but none the less your eldest is picking up on some vibes that are not in his best interest.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2013 12:47:56 GMT -5
MPL, you created your own situation in regards to your eldest. Thanks, but I have enough guilt about him without your help. You're right, my husband turning out to be an abusive addict after we were married was a bit of a time suck, but you're wrong about me having a child for him. I wanted a second child very much, in fact even though I was divorced I kept all my baby stuff from my oldest in totes just in case. I don't regret having him at all. He is one of the two greatest accomplishments of my life and older son is nuts about him too. I was AFRAID I might not be able to have a child with him and told him numerous times that if he wanted his own, marrying a 40 year old might not be the best choice. I was guilted into marriage though. I'll give you that. I would have been happy with just the baby, and cohabitating forever. I was done with marriage. He wanted it done the "right" way.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Apr 11, 2013 12:47:56 GMT -5
Yeah, I don't think there's a "right" or "wrong" answer here, unless someone is being treated very unfairly. About a year and a half into my marriage I did have to choose. My mom said some very mean-spirited things about DH to me. I told her to STFU and that I never wanted to hear anything like that again. She was pretty hurt (so was I) but we both got over it, and they get along fine now. Her view of marriage is very different from mine. She seemed SHOCKED that I would side with DH over her... but in her case, there was never any question that us kids ranked far ahead of her husband/marriage. (My dad being who he is, I don't blame her ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) ). I don't think either of us is necessarily incorrect, but I couldn't abide by her view, and vice versa.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2013 12:51:04 GMT -5
Please Lord, let me not respond to the nonsense....
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 11, 2013 12:56:36 GMT -5
Please Lord, let me not respond to the nonsense....
![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/popcorn.gif)
![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/stirpot.gif)
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 11, 2013 13:54:56 GMT -5
Yeah, I don't think there's a "right" or "wrong" answer here, unless someone is being treated very unfairly. About a year and a half into my marriage I did have to choose. My mom said some very mean-spirited things about DH to me. I told her to STFU and that I never wanted to hear anything like that again. She was pretty hurt (so was I) but we both got over it, and they get along fine now. Her view of marriage is very different from mine. She seemed SHOCKED that I would side with DH over her... but in her case, there was never any question that us kids ranked far ahead of her husband/marriage. (My dad being who he is, I don't blame her ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) ). I don't think either of us is necessarily incorrect, but I couldn't abide by her view, and vice versa. In siding with someone, I don't choose someone because of who they are, I choose who I think is right. I would never just side with my husband because he is my husband. But I also wouldn't just side with my kids because they are my kids...my mom's a moron so I almost never side with her ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png)
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Apr 11, 2013 14:01:28 GMT -5
Maybe "siding with" is the wrong term... I did feel compelled to defend my husband/marriage regardless of who was "right." Even if my mom had been correct, it doesn't give her the right to be disrespectful.
On a similar note, if DH and I disagree on some aspect of child-rearing, that's a conversation to be had in private - not in front of the kid. We may not agree all the time, but we always try to present a united front.
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
Familiar Member
"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
Joined: Feb 14, 2013 11:05:35 GMT -5
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on Apr 11, 2013 14:10:05 GMT -5
I didn't want or mean to guilt you I just remembered your older posts on the subject and feel very sad for your eldest having been in that position. No matter how we try to hide it kids can see. I am sorry, I know you love them both very much. I apologize very much that you took offence. All moms have guilt and I hope that you continue to love both sons as I know you do.
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Peace Of Mind
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[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Apr 11, 2013 14:10:59 GMT -5
I take it Im the only one voting "the cats"? LMAO!!! Nope. Molly, then maybe DH. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png)
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Apr 11, 2013 14:13:51 GMT -5
I remember right before my husband and I got married he said "My parents need to realize that you are my family now. You are the priority. Your needs come first to me." I guess I had never really thought about it, and I don't recall what brought it up. But, there was a switch there from loyalties in one camp to loyalties in another.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 11, 2013 14:27:08 GMT -5
Maybe "siding with" is the wrong term... I did feel compelled to defend my husband/marriage regardless of who was "right." Even if my mom had been correct, it doesn't give her the right to be disrespectful. On a similar note, if DH and I disagree on some aspect of child-rearing, that's a conversation to be had in private - not in front of the kid. We may not agree all the time, but we always try to present a united front. I agree with putting someone in their place for being disrespectful.
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cottoncandyclouds
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
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Post by cottoncandyclouds on Apr 11, 2013 21:57:36 GMT -5
One of my DH's coworkers lost their child to cancer last week. I can't even imagine the pain. I would also hope, should one of our kids get a life ending illness, that DH and I have a sound enough relationship to deal with the pain together. I honestly don't know if I could do it. I don't think it has anything to do with the quality of my relationship. We have a great partnership... but I just honestly don't know if I could ever function again if I lost her. Maybe I could...? Maybe one gets a sense of survival, to have a cause - to keep your child's memory alive... but I just don't know. It's too horrible. How could you possibly know how you'd handle it..? I just don't believe I could. Some of you know my story, and some of you don't. To make a long story short out of something ugly came someone beautiful. My precious daughter, whom died at a very early age. I didn't think I'd want to go on either, but my dad said something to me that helped. He told me that to carry on her beautiful life I had to stay alive myself. For I was not only living for me but her as well. After awhile the pain lessens, and you find that you may not be the same as you were but you are okay
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Apr 12, 2013 9:44:09 GMT -5
Cottoncandyclouds, my heart goes out to you.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Apr 12, 2013 10:09:09 GMT -5
cotton candy ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/wilted.png) I can't imagine.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 12, 2013 10:35:14 GMT -5
In a life or death situation I will always pick my kids over Dh and he would do the same. Even if they were adults. I chalk that up to Darwinism.
In mundane life situations I think shooby's seasons of life theory applies. Right now our kids are young, and they come first. Dh and I had over a decade to ourselves before them, so in the grand scheme of things I think it makes sense. As the kids get more independent then Dh and I will carve out more time for ourselves and each other again.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2013 10:38:47 GMT -5
Related question.
You and your family were kidnapped and about to be killed. The killers are going to kill everyone and make those that haven't been killed yet watch the others get murdered. Would you rather be killed before your kids so you don't have to watch them die or would you rather have your kids killed first so they don't have to watch you die?
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Deleted
Joined: Jun 26, 2024 12:14:13 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2013 10:42:43 GMT -5
although seeing my child killed in front of me would make me feel a lot better about my own impending death (I imagine seeing him die would make me beg them to kill me), I'd rather be killed first. DS wouldn't understand what was going on.
Okay. I'm done with moral dilemma for the day.
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Apr 12, 2013 10:43:22 GMT -5
All of my love goes to Jesus.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2013 10:43:47 GMT -5
I'd rather they went first. I wouldn't want them to be scared one second longer than they had to or see anything as horrifying as their parents getting killed.
I'd be ready to die after that.
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Deleted
Joined: Jun 26, 2024 12:14:13 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2013 10:44:14 GMT -5
All of my love goes to Jesus and hookers. fixed.
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Deleted
Joined: Jun 26, 2024 12:14:13 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2013 10:45:26 GMT -5
All of my love goes to Jesus and hookers. fixed. There is a famous story from the Bible about Jesus washing a hooker's vagina.
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Apr 12, 2013 10:48:24 GMT -5
All of my love goes to Jesus and hookers. fixed. Pfft. I don't love the hookers. You are confusing Hot Carls with love.
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Deleted
Joined: Jun 26, 2024 12:14:13 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2013 11:15:18 GMT -5
There is a famous story from the Bible about Jesus washing a hooker's vagina. I'm thinking I need to read the Bible again... ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/tongue2.png)
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Apr 12, 2013 12:14:24 GMT -5
Jeez this degraded quickly.
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thyme4change
Community Leader
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Post by thyme4change on Apr 12, 2013 12:23:50 GMT -5
Quickly?? It took 3 pages to get to hookers. That's a pretty decent run for us.
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Apr 12, 2013 12:29:11 GMT -5
Quickly?? It took 3 pages to get to hookers. That's a pretty decent run for us. Well, we could've gotten there much quicker, but you people are all hung up on "children" and "significant others" and sh*t. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/rolleyes.gif)
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thyme4change
Community Leader
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Post by thyme4change on Apr 12, 2013 12:31:02 GMT -5
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 12, 2013 14:38:46 GMT -5
There is a famous story from the Bible about Jesus washing a hooker's vagina. I'm thinking I need to read the Bible again... ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/tongue2.png) Again?? Sweetie, you realize just because you think of the Kama Sutra as YOUR bible doesn't make it THE Bible..... ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png)
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