Who Do You Love.....?

[les63]

When it comes to family love. Like, do you love your children more than your spouse? Do you love your parents more than...? Is there an hierarchy on love?

In my state of mind at the moment, I love my children more than anyone.
 

[Deleted]

I love my spouse more.  My religion tells me God first, spouse second, kids third.

I will say that the reason that I am divorced is because my ex loved his children more.  It sounds nice in theory, but my daughter could hear us having sex because her bedroom was below us.  So he was scared to have sex anymore.  No joke.

Ok . . . .

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

My husband has two children with his first wife and I have two girls with my first husband. We don't have children together.

He is very clear that he loves me more than he loves his boys, and probably loves his boys only slightly more than he loves my girls.
At this point, though I'm quite madly in love with my husband, if forced to choose, I would choose my girls over him. It makes me a bit sad to feel that way, but it is what it is. I imagine my feelings would change once my kids cross the line from childhood to adulthood. I'm not sure that I love him more or my children more; they're different types of love. I try not to think about it, because I feel disloyal either way.

[les63]

I do love my husband but that is such a different love to me compared to my children. We have a child with autism together and I have been a stay at home mom for him since birth. I brought two children to our marriage, my daughter who is now 21 (Air Force) and my son who now is fifteen. My daughter was 7 or 8 and my son 2 when we met. Right now my husband is making up for betraying all of us. I forgave him but haven't forgotten what he did. I feel in this regard that your children should always be first. No matter what. Maybe I'm wrong.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

With my XH, there was never any question in my mind that I loved my children more than him--no doubt at all. I had no issue ever  with putting my kids first with that marriage.

This marriage is so much an actual parternship and--to me--a real marriage. That's why it hurts me to actually think about the fact that I would still put my children before my husband. It's always made me uncomfortable when DH says that I come before his boys; I can't reciprocate that statement. I pray so much that we'll make it another seven year until my baby graduates from high school so that I'll never be forced to choose. We work so hard on our marriage, right now I can't imagine we won't make it. I never put in the effort or felt that way with my first marriage. I'm rambling now.

Anyway, les 63, I don't think you're wrong. If you are, I'm wrong with you.
I'm sorry you're hurting.

[Deleted]

It is totally a different kind of love.  I can't imagine Goose ever putting me in a position to choose him over the kids.  IF he were abusive or a deadbeat then yes, I would totally choose my kids over him.  But he isn't any of those things and he is a good father...so I can't imagine what would come up that would make me choose. 

I would do whatever it took to protect my children. I am just thankful that I found a man that is my partner and loves us more than life.

[Regis]

I love them all equally.  I just don't like them all equally!  And sometimes the order changes on a minute-by-minute basis.  

[Otto the Orange]

This is like the esoteric question my wife always asks me-

Do you love me or are you in love with me?      (I guess there is some difference? )

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

In a general sense since my husband is a good husband I put him and our marriage first.  I believe happy marriage = happy parents = happy kid.  I believe working/focusing on my marriage is a high priority .  It does not come at the expense of Gwen but I can't keep her boat stable if my marriage isn't stable.

Otherwise I don't really think about it.  Who comes first is on an as needed basis.  Were something to happen to my parents that required me to step in and make decisions naturally they will come over DH and my child.  If something happens to Gwen, she'd come first.  And so forth.

If DH were to turn out to not be the man I expected then absolutely Gwen would be my first priority.

[Deleted]

Definitely my kids.

[giramomma]

I would also choose to keep my kids mentally/physically/emotionally safe over my marriage any day. As a parent, I feel I owe that to my kids, especially since I grew up in a dysfunctional family.

My husband also betrayed me. We're 5 years out. I've protected myself as best as I can, making the risks of staying with my husband small. I've learned to trust myself above all else again. In short, I've done my work.

Whether or not we remain married is really up to my husband and his choice of behaviors.

All that said, we do try to put our marriage first ahead of the kids. It's been difficult to do over the past year, but we are still emotionally intimate. The kids will go. Hopefully my husband will be around longer.

I also can't promise that I will choose my kids over my DH at all costs. If my child chooses to live a life of illegal/harmful activity, at some point, I'm going to have to let go, otherwise I will sink with my child. And, I won't allow one of our children to bring illegal/harmful activities into our house.

I dunno. I guess I can't give you a pat answer. I wish my life were simple, I guess.

[whoisjohngalt]

Wow, I am surprised at people who have such clear hierarchy. 

While my kids are my part of me - it's my DH that I hope to have by my side every day for the rest of my life - such different feelings I have for all of them.

And while right now I would choose to take care of my kids first, it's only bc they are not capable of taking care of themselves.  Otherwise, it would be my DH

[HoneyBBQ]

Definitely my daughter.

[HoneyBBQ]

Apr 11, 2013 9:54:04 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

it's my DH that I hope to have by my side every day for the rest of my life - such different feelings I have for all of them.

I think in terms of an effort/time heirarchy - a marriage or partnership should come first because of the reason you listed- it 20 years my kid is going to be doing her own thing and I will be all alone with my partner.  Also a healthy happy marriage is very important for a supportive loving family for you kid. So in a sense, I agree with you. You've got to make time for each other.

But if I had to "pick" between my child and my H, I have to pick my child because I couldn't live with myself if something happened to my baby.

I'm still working on splitting my own time. My spouse is getting the short end right now, I'm trying to fix it but it is slow going.

[whoisjohngalt]

It seems many women would pick their children.  I wonder how men would answer this question.  I also wonder would those of you who pick your child be upset if your DH also pick the child over you.

[HoneyBBQ]

Apr 11, 2013 10:08:16 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

  I also wonder would those of you who pick your child be upset if your DH also pick the child over you.

I think if you asked my DH who he loved more, he would say me.  But I would not be upset if he said otherwise. Actually I would be happy, but I don't think that's the case. I think he would say me.
 

But if both my kid and I were drowning and he could only save one... I would like to think that he would save our DD. Probably only because he knows I would be lost anyways if he saved me and allowed something to happen to our DD... we would both be gone.

[giramomma]

Apr 11, 2013 10:05:41 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

But if I had to "pick" between my child and my H, I have to pick my child because I couldn't live with myself if something happened to my baby.

One of my DH's coworkers lost their child to cancer last week.

I can't even imagine the pain. I would also hope, should one of our kids get a life ending illness, that DH and I have a sound enough relationship to deal with the pain together.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

DH puts Gwen first over our marriage.  I don't think he loves her MORE than he does me, but he ranks her as a higher priority.

At the same time though he agrees with me that if we were having troubles our marriage needs to come first.  We can't be effective parents if we can't operate as husband/wife.
  
I think it's more semantics on our part than a true disagreement or "loves me more" type situation.

Cause I wouldn't say I love Dh MORE than Gwen or he comes at the expense of her.

It's more they are both tied closely for first when things are going smooth but if things aren't one's going to have to be higher than the other.

[HoneyBBQ]

Apr 11, 2013 10:12:49 GMT -5 giramomma said:

One of my DH's coworkers lost their child to cancer last week.

I can't even imagine the pain. I would also hope, should one of our kids get a life ending illness, that DH and I have a sound enough relationship to deal with the pain together.

I honestly don't know if I could do it. I don't think it has anything to do with the quality of my relationship. We have a great partnership... but I just honestly don't know if I could ever function again if I lost her.  Maybe I could...? Maybe one gets a sense of survival, to have a cause - to keep your child's memory alive... but I just don't know. It's too horrible. How could you possibly know how you'd handle it..? I just don't believe I could. 

[thyme4change]

Well - I love myself the most.  

And often!

[swamp]

Apr 11, 2013 10:08:16 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

It seems many women would pick their children.  I wonder how men would answer this question.  I also wonder would those of you who pick your child be upset if your DH also pick the child over you.

i have no doubt DH would pick the kids. 

[thyme4change]

Under what circumstances would we have to "pick?"  Like "Who do I want to go to the movies with?"  Or like a gun man breaks into the house and says "Which one would you like me to shoot?"  

The first question - depends on the movie.
The second question - sorry hubbster - neither of us could live with each other or ourselves if we handed a child over to a gunman.  I would volunteer before I would send any of you.

[Deleted]

Apr 11, 2013 10:15:46 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

Apr 11, 2013 10:12:49 GMT -5 giramomma said:

One of my DH's coworkers lost their child to cancer last week.

I can't even imagine the pain. I would also hope, should one of our kids get a life ending illness, that DH and I have a sound enough relationship to deal with the pain together.

I honestly don't know if I could do it. I don't think it has anything to do with the quality of my relationship. We have a great partnership... but I just honestly don't know if I could ever function again if I lost her.  Maybe I could...? Maybe one gets a sense of survival, to have a cause - to keep your child's memory alive... but I just don't know. It's too horrible. How could you possibly know how you'd handle it..? I just don't believe I could. 

my gut reaction would be to take off and start a new life alone.  I don't know that I'd actually do it, but it would be EXTREMELY tempting.  My base reaction to any sort of extreme hardship is to bolt - I'm still figuring out why that is.

[HoneyBBQ]

Apr 11, 2013 10:21:04 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

my gut reaction would be to take off and start a new life alone.  I don't know that I'd actually do it, but it would be EXTREMELY tempting.  My base reaction to any sort of extreme hardship is to bolt - I'm still figuring out why that is.

Actually I can understand completely. I think it's reinventing yourself and getting rid of anything you can tie yourself to from a previous life. 

I would just end up like the 7 years in Tibet guy or something. Not really sure what I was doing there but positive I couldn't leave.

[thyme4change]

My base reaction to any sort of extreme hardship is to bolt - I'm still figuring out why that is.

Because you think if you change scenery, your heartache won't find you.

But, alas, where ever you go, there you are.  You bring along all your problems and shortcomings.  [/span]

[giramomma]

Apr 11, 2013 10:15:46 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

Apr 11, 2013 10:12:49 GMT -5 giramomma said:

One of my DH's coworkers lost their child to cancer last week.

I can't even imagine the pain. I would also hope, should one of our kids get a life ending illness, that DH and I have a sound enough relationship to deal with the pain together.

I honestly don't know if I could do it. I don't think it has anything to do with the quality of my relationship. We have a great partnership... but I just honestly don't know if I could ever function again if I lost her.  Maybe I could...? Maybe one gets a sense of survival, to have a cause - to keep your child's memory alive... but I just don't know. It's too horrible. How could you possibly know how you'd handle it..? I just don't believe I could. 

I don't know exactly how I could handle it.

I've watched my mom crumble when her mom passed away. I did/saw things as a younger child that younger children should not have to see/do.  I know not to handle it like my mom.

I also have three kids. If something happens to one of them, life will continue for the other two. I'm also the breadwinner in my house, bringing in 80% of the household income. It's not going to be fair to my other kids if I decide to stop functioning forever. Really, it could mean that my youngest could end up on the streets, if I don't go to work.

So, I have no choice but to handle it. One day at a time, just like I've handled everything else life has thrown at me.

[Deleted]

Apr 11, 2013 10:17:46 GMT -5 swamp said:

Apr 11, 2013 10:08:16 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

It seems many women would pick their children.  I wonder how men would answer this question.  I also wonder would those of you who pick your child be upset if your DH also pick the child over you.

i have no doubt DH would pick the kids. 

Same here.  Well, OUR child.  The son I had before...doubtful.  Sometimes I think he wishes he was out of the picture.

[HoneyBBQ]

giramomma - maybe that is the difference. You have other kids that you need to be a mom for. I only have the one (and we're not having any more).

[Deleted]

Can i give them all away and start fresh with someone built like a Mexican barbie doll?

[Deleted]

Salma Hayek is not going to sleep with you, Arch.