A Princeton alumna's marriage advice to other Princeton wome

[Deleted]

milee said:

It's just saying that in theory, your college is a target rich environment and depending on your career, may be the most target rich environment you'll be in, so that should be considered. This is reasonable and not a judgment.

I agree with you Milee. Although had MY mother told me that piece of advice while I was going to school I would have given her the major . I was there to STUDY not socialize. I could barely keep it together going to school and working full-time.

And I wound up getting my MRS because of college after all, LOL!

[973beachbum]

I do think there was way more time and effert to socializing in college than almost any other place I have ever been in.  The people were also by and large roughly my age and single.  Everywhere I've ever worked everyone was mostly older and attached.

But just to add this woman doesn't just love Princeton the school.  She lives in Princeton.  That whole area is snooty. 

[milee]

IMHO the fact that the woman mentions Princeton is igniting a class warfare part of the debate that is irrelevant to the basic premise.  Pretend for a second that the women was a grad of Any State Univerity and was talking about how ASU women should consider that ASU is a good place to look for potential future mates.  Then people would focus on the premise that college is a target-rich environment, not the question of whether or not this woman is personally insulting them and their intelligence.  Because let's be honest, that's what's driving much of the reaction.  Not the idea of finding a mate from the people who went to school at the same college, but people feeling like this woman is snotty and darn it, they and their ASU attending children are just as smart as those ridiculous Princeton assholes.

[Deleted]

What she is saying is not far off the advice I am giving GW. Mind you I tend to say things like "look for a potential husband in class not in the bar". If we want to help younger women "have it all" they need advice on ALL of it, not just how to get a good career going.

[973beachbum]

The storm locally was more because it seemed to be trying to bring woman back in time when they felt that great strides had been made for woman in the work force.  She was kind of seen as a traitor to woman.  Instead of saying they can go to one of the best univ in the world and be fantastic at some hard demanding job she is saying find a good mate early instead. 

I have never met anyone though who even though they loved their job wanted to spend their life alone.  Maybe finding someone early and starting a family at 23 is a good thing.  Then after they have their kids they can worry about "leaning in".

Maybe it is because I had my youngest at 38, but having had him 20 years earlier is looking like a better and better idea the older I get.  

[Formerly SK]

Apr 9, 2013 8:23:42 GMT -5 milee said:

OK, from reading the responses, sounds like I probably should have read the entire article before trying to interpret what I thought the author was saying...

So let me try again.  Forget the author and whatever snooty bias she has.  My personal take on it is that it's not a bad thing to make your kids aware that college is a good place to meet a potential life partner or to make friends that will introduce you to a potential life partner.  And when I say "college" I mean whatever college you are going to because hopefully you've gone to a school where you fit academically and socially and the rest of the population is also somewhat within those parameters as well. 

This is not to say that every person at your college is just like you and will be an excellent match.
This is not to say that certain colleges have definitively better candidates that others - just that hopefully the mix at your particular college is compatible with you.
This is not to say that only people that go to college are intelligent and everybody else is a mouth-breathing knuckle dragger.
This is not to say that college is the only place you will encounter intelligent people.

It's just saying that in theory, your college is a target rich environment and depending on your career, may be the most target rich environment you'll be in, so that should be considered.  This is reasonable and not a judgment. 

While I agree with what you are saying, I think the issue is somewhat moot in that college kids don't know themselves (or the world) yet.  Statistically speaking, the odds of having a long marriage with someone you meet at 18-22 is a lot lower than someone you meet after age 25.  There is just so much growth in a person's 20s. 

I like the pp's idea of keeping strong networking ties with college friends.  That way, when you are in your later 20s and looking to maybe settle down you can set each other up.

OTOH, I know three successful marriages from eHarmony (as in happily married almost ten years).  In some ways "meeting at college" is antiquated. 

[Deleted]

Can you provide the statistics that say that? Cause anecdotally many of the long time married couples I know got together in high school or college.

[Deleted]

Statistically speaking, the odds of having a long marriage with someone you meet at 18-22 is a lot lower than someone you meet after age 25. 

That's the quote for my previous post. I don't know why it won't show.

[zibazinski]

Right now, I'm worried about DD. she's finally been accepted to pilot school for the marines. This is very hard to get into. But because the military has dawdled for so long in taking her, she's gone on with her life and met someone. He's a great guy, everything I could ask for in a partner for her. So she wants to got to emt/paramedic school and be with him. But she also wants marine corp. I think it's a great opportunity, one that not that many get a chance to have, and to see her throw it away is killing me. I hope he's the kind of guy that will encourage her to follow her dream. He can't follow her around, he's a cop.

[thyme4change]

Apr 9, 2013 9:13:34 GMT -5 milee said:

IMHO the fact that the woman mentions Princeton is igniting a class warfare part of the debate that is irrelevant to the basic premise.  Pretend for a second that the women was a grad of Any State Univerity and was talking about how ASU women should consider that ASU is a good place to look for potential future mates.  Then people would focus on the premise that college is a target-rich environment, not the question of whether or not this woman is personally insulting them and their intelligence.  Because let's be honest, that's what's driving much of the reaction.  Not the idea of finding a mate from the people who went to school at the same college, but people feeling like this woman is snotty and darn it, they and their ASU attending children are just as smart as those ridiculous Princeton assholes.

I'm not going to be concerned if either of my children graduate from college unattached.  I know a lot of people who met their mate after college, and they are perfectly acceptable mates.  In my case, way more acceptable than my college boyfriend - LOL.  

All my friends that married their college sweety are now divorced.  

[bobosensei]

Honestly, no one from Ivy League schools gets married right out of college.  Maybe they did 30 years ago, but not now.  In fact I am willing to bet that most top universities are turning out students that will not get married until after graduate school (if they go) and a minimum of several years busting their rear ends at work.  I remember when I graduated college in 2004 the big thing was that women shouldn't decide on their graduate school or first job locations based on their boyfriends.  We were supposed to do what was best for us.  I got married earlier than almost everyone else I knew at age 24.  I am 31 now and the majority of my college friends are still unmarried.  These friends just finished medical school, PHDs, and MBAs and are now trying to establish themselves.  It is easier to work 80 hour weeks when you are single.

[thyme4change]

Apr 9, 2013 9:39:29 GMT -5 @justaposter said:

Can you provide the statistics that say that? Cause anecdotally many of the long time married couples I know got together in high school or college.

www.divorcestatistics.org/


This website says that 36% of the divorces are women that married between 20 and 24, while 16% were 25 to 29.  But, I hate that statistic because I don't know how many women get married between 20 and 24 vs. 25 and 29.  If it is more than double, then naturally the divorce rate would be more than double.  

[formerroomate99]

The storm locally was more because it seemed to be trying to bring woman back in time when they felt that great strides had been made for woman in the work force.  She was kind of seen as a traitor to woman.  Instead of saying they can go to one of the best univ in the world and be fantastic at some hard demanding job she is saying find a good mate early instead. 

I guess you can try to do both, but I do think husband catching should be secondary to getting an education.  Having gone to a very conservative school, I did see a lot of vain little girls putting their looks and social life above their studies because the real reason they were there was to get their MRS degrees.  It was kinda funny to watch. 

[thyme4change]

Apr 10, 2013 2:46:40 GMT -5 bobosensei said:

Honestly, no one from Ivy League schools gets married right out of college.  Maybe they did 30 years ago, but not now.  In fact I am willing to bet that most top universities are turning out students that will not get married until after graduate school (if they go) and a minimum of several years busting their rear ends at work.  I remember when I graduated college in 2004 the big thing was that women shouldn't decide on their graduate school or first job locations based on their boyfriends.  We were supposed to do what was best for us.  I got married earlier than almost everyone else I knew at age 24.  I am 31 now and the majority of my college friends are still unmarried.  These friends just finished medical school, PHDs, and MBAs and are now trying to establish themselves.  It is easier to work 80 hour weeks when you are single.

Actually - grad school is a really good point.  It seems like the "elite" are now putting graduate school as a must.  Every niece and nephew I have is putting that as a priority.  Many of the schools are offering package deals to keep that student through a master's degree.  So, her letter doesn't take that into consideration.  If the best of the best are going to grad school, as a senior you aren't limited to the measly other seniors - you should find out where the grad students are hanging out.  And, if you decide to go to a different institution for grad school, you have a whole new crop of sausages to woo you.

[milee]

Apr 10, 2013 11:24:31 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Apr 10, 2013 2:46:40 GMT -5 bobosensei said:

And, if you decide to go to a different institution for grad school, you have a whole new crop of sausages to woo you.

You should write poetry.  That just sounds so romantic and wonderful.  Exactly how every young girl dreams of her future husband...

[thyme4change]

LOL - sorry - I found this woman to be so obnoxious, I could only respond with my normal crassness.  

[milee]

Apr 10, 2013 11:45:09 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

LOL - sorry - I found this woman to be so obnoxious, I could only respond with my normal crassness.  

Nah, it was totally appropriate.  Given the whole idea is pretty clinical and devoid of human emotion (use statistics to hone in on a target-rich environment of preselected appropriate candidates), a crass reply is on point.

[Phoenix84]

"This website says that 36% of the divorces are women that married between 20 and 24, while 16% were 25 to 29.  But, I hate that statistic because I don't know how many women get married between 20 and 24 vs. 25 and 29.  If it is more than double, then naturally the divorce rate would be more than double."

Well, the average age of first marriage for women is around 27.  So I'm inclined to think that the rate of first marriage is higher for 25 to 29.  But I don't know for sure. 

[alabamagal]

When DD went to college orientation, the president of the college said something about how lots of people met their partners while at college. DD dated a guy from her school all 3 years then broke up with him right after graduation - didn't really care for him, but glad he did.

Both of my boys never dated in high school, but found girlfriends at college (youngest actually met his gf at summer orientation before school). They have been dating for 2 1/2 years for one son and 9 months for the other. I would be super happy with either girl as a DIL (fingers crossed)

I went to a well respected engineering school. It was 80% male back then (still about the same). About 75% of them were total nerds. They didn't think too highly of the girls that went to school there either. Fortunately I was already dating my DH when I transferred there (met him in my first college).

[thyme4change]

Well, the average age of first marriage for women is around 27.  So I'm inclined to think that the rate of first marriage is higher for 25 to 29.  But I don't know for sure.

I thought it was closer to 25 and a half?  Plus, I think those are cumulative statistics, instead of just one year.  So, if you got married at the average age of 24 in 1990, and are now divorced, you would be in the 20-24 pile.  So, you can't use this year's average age, but the average age over the past few decades?  

I don't know - statistics are tricky.[/span]

[ontrack]

Purely anecdotal, but grad school is a great place to meet a future spouse.  That's where I met mine , along with others from our program.