resolution
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Post by resolution on Feb 27, 2013 14:47:10 GMT -5
Does anyone have any feedback on whether it is customary to send a bridal shower gift to a relative if you are unable to attend the shower? I received an invitation for an out-of-state wedding shower six hours from home. I plan to send my regrets, but was thinking I should probably send her a gift (via the shower hostess) because she is marrying my baby brother-in-law.
DH feels we have already done enough for them by paying for the groom's tuxedo as a wedding gift. His family are not big gift givers, so that was much more than their normal giving. He also turned down a request from his brother for more money to cover wedding expenses.
I was curious what the general opinion was on gifts when you are invited by someone that knows you won't attend. The invitation had a registry card, so I am assuming that they would like one. DH doesn't want to be taken advantage of, but I don't want to look rude by not sending something if it is customary. The money itself is not a significant factor to our budget.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Feb 27, 2013 14:49:24 GMT -5
If you're planning on attending the wedding, I say send her a shower gift as well. It doesn't have to be big or expensive, just something to let her know you're thinking of her.
If you're NOT planning on attending the wedding, I would send a wedding gift only. JMHO.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Feb 27, 2013 14:53:49 GMT -5
Since she is marrying into the family, I'd send a gift.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2013 14:58:58 GMT -5
I would send a little something to family.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 27, 2013 15:02:56 GMT -5
When I got married my cousin, who I hadn't seen for years, sent a door knocker engraved with my husband's last name. As it turns out, we have a glass front door, but I still have that door knocker. It was nice that she thought of me.
I'm sure you could find a little something that the bride might like - a cookbook, or a throw blanket for the couch, even a gift certificate. For one bridal shower, I gave them 2 funny coffee mugs, plus a couple of bags of coffee. Not expensive, but it says "I care about you."
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Feb 27, 2013 15:10:32 GMT -5
We will definitely be going to the wedding, as DH is one of the grooms men. However they have told us that they don't like his hairstyle (short buzz cut)and he will have to change it. They want everything in their wedding to look perfect. My initial reaction was to just have him leave the wedding party and keep his hair, but he wants to accommodate them.
I think I will give DH a few days to get used to the gift idea and then just get something small and simple. I think some of his opposition to a gift might be due to the hair issue.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 27, 2013 15:12:23 GMT -5
Well, that is pretty ridiculous. They sound like bridezilla assholes, and I wouldn't be super excited about buying them anything. Even if they are pissed off that you didn't buy something, they should get over it in time.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Feb 27, 2013 15:18:49 GMT -5
The wedding planning has assumed gargantuan proportions and an importance that i have never previously experienced, but we are safely on the sidelines. However I don't want to omit any customary practice that might hurt the bride's feelings or cause hard feeling later.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Feb 27, 2013 15:19:57 GMT -5
We had a birthday party for my Mother-in-law this weekend. My Sis-in-law brought her mother. I was showing her my family "heirlooms" (which are not necessarily valuable) in my china cabinet. I have two "family" things of note in there -a covered dish handpainted by my great aunt with a note in my Grandmother's handwriting indicating who painted it and a piece of Waterford crystal that came with a note on fancy stationary indicating it is a piece of my Great Grandmother Waterford Crystal. I put the note in a frame and put the frame by the crystal in the cabinet.
I also have a collectible item that is broken and glued back together. I took it from Grandma's house after she died knowing it was broken, becasue it alway held sentimental value for my Grandmother. My cousin told a story when I selected it that she and her brothers were being rambunctious in Grandma's house and they broke it. She said Grandma scooped it up and said she could fix it. That was my Grandma. She personifed Love.
I also have among my valued possessions Church Cookbooks from both Grandmother's hometowns...so that too is a good suggestion. I would send something - but becasue it is you future brother in law...normally if you would not attend a gift would not be necessary. I am thinking they may have been afraid if they did not at least send an invite, you may have been hurt b/c you were left out.
You could also look for pictures of DH's brother as a child, and put it in a frame or album.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Feb 27, 2013 15:21:10 GMT -5
Well wow - this information kinda puts a whole new spin on it. Sometimes I can't believe people can be so nasty - - and yet, here it is. If they don't like the way your DH looks, why did they invite him to be part of the wedding? They should have just left him out - or he could just remove himself. "We want you in our wedding, but you're not good enough the way you are and have to change."
Douchebags.
Yeah, since they're family you probably can't get out of sending gifts, but I sure as heck would side with your DH and not spend a lot of time and energy on it. Maybe there's something small from her registry?
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Feb 27, 2013 15:22:26 GMT -5
They are making your husband change his hairstyle? That's nuts! Maybe a book on etiquette would be in order as a gift. But yeah, you should still do something gift wise. I'm going to a shower for my SIL and I'm giving her cash for her honeymoon. She is in her 40's and this is her first marriage and she has everything she could possibly need or want.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Feb 27, 2013 15:25:21 GMT -5
I like the idea of an old picture of baby brother in law in a nice frame or a keepsake from their home town. That would safely take away the financial aspect of the gift but still show that I am doing my best to welcome her into the family.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Feb 27, 2013 15:27:20 GMT -5
I like the idea of an old picture of baby brother in law in a nice frame or a keepsake from their home town. That would safely take away the financial aspect of the gift but still show that I am doing my best to welcome her into the family. My MIL (God rest her soul) did this for me (put a couple of hubby's baby pics in frames for me) and I LOVED it. I cherish those pictures. At my bridal shower, she also ceremonially donned an old apron, and handed me a pair of scissors. She let me "cut the apron strings." It was so cool.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 27, 2013 15:40:24 GMT -5
Maybe they should have hired people with the right look to be their wedding party. Likely they need to hire a bride and groom too.[/span]
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Feb 27, 2013 15:47:35 GMT -5
The bride and groom are both attractive and fit. DH is as well, but he has a receding hairline and if he lets his hair get too long it just looks odd. He is much more attractive with a short cut than with anything that is currently in style. I am really kind of stumped about a new style for him.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Feb 27, 2013 16:23:39 GMT -5
I don't buy shower gifts unless I actually attend them. I especially wouldn't buy a gift for someone for the reasons you listed. Do it because you love them and want to give them something, or don't do it at all. If someone would actually be hurt/angry that I didn't give them a shower gift, it's probably someone I don't want to spend much time with anyway. But, I don't do politics so my opinion may not be the best.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 27, 2013 16:27:35 GMT -5
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Feb 27, 2013 16:28:55 GMT -5
LOL!!! You know I would never do that although it would be hilarious.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Feb 27, 2013 16:30:57 GMT -5
So let me see if I've got this straight- You've agreed to pay for the Groom's tux (as well as DH's). They've asked for money to cover the wedding costs (DH refused) and they want him to change his hairstyle?
Just a guess- but they won't see the tux as a gift and you'll be hearing later how you didn't get them anything.
And unless your DH's hair is purple and clashes with the neon orange bridesmaid dresses- his hair should be off limits. PERIOD.
WTE?
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 27, 2013 16:31:22 GMT -5
I wouldn't do it either. But it would be epic!
Although, I would most convince my husband to show up to the bachelor party in the craziest wig I could find and he could say "I know you don't like my hair, so how is this?"
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 27, 2013 16:39:06 GMT -5
I am just sitting here, laughing, imagining walking into a wedding and all these picture perfect groomsmen are standing around, and one of them is in a colonial powder whig. ROFL.
I crack me up.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 27, 2013 16:42:16 GMT -5
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Feb 27, 2013 16:48:10 GMT -5
Wait - they're planning a wedding "of gargantuan proportions," but the groom can't even afford his own tux ??
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 27, 2013 16:49:42 GMT -5
Usually the groom's tux is free if everyone rents from the same place.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Feb 27, 2013 16:57:34 GMT -5
If they've asked you DH for money for the wedding- who else is paying for the wedding? I know, it has nothing to do with a shower gift, but this just seems like a train wreck waiting to happen. And when is the wedding? I'm waiting for some serious fodder for us to dig our teeth into after that!
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Feb 27, 2013 17:00:08 GMT -5
If they've asked you DH for money for the wedding- who else is paying for the wedding? I know, it has nothing to do with a shower gift, but this just seems like a train wreck waiting to happen. And when is the wedding? I'm waiting for some serious fodder for us to dig our teeth into after that! Well agilemom, I actually think it has a LOT to do with a shower gift. It takes nerve to plan a "gargantuan" wedding, expect other people to help them pay for it AND expect gifts on top of that!
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Feb 27, 2013 17:17:43 GMT -5
If they've asked you DH for money for the wedding- who else is paying for the wedding? I know, it has nothing to do with a shower gift, but this just seems like a train wreck waiting to happen. And when is the wedding? I'm waiting for some serious fodder for us to dig our teeth into after that! Well agilemom, I actually think it has a LOT to do with a shower gift. It takes nerve to plan a "gargantuan" wedding, expect other people to help them pay for it AND expect gifts on top of that! Yes, but the original question was if you should send a gift if you weren't attending. The rest just makes the topic interesting.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Feb 27, 2013 17:28:17 GMT -5
DH's hair isn't purple or anything, but he has a widow's peak and is losing some hair. It kind of looks like this picture except he is clean shaven and has a small goatee. If it gets too long it starts to achieve the comb over look.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Feb 27, 2013 17:28:55 GMT -5
I was going to say- send something...
but then I read about the hair and now I say Don't send anything.
i'm PMSing and that bridezilla $hit drives me batty. I hate women like that!
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Feb 27, 2013 17:41:35 GMT -5
The bride's family is taking out loans to pay for the wedding, but apparently it isn't enough to cover everything. My BIL has taken a second job to pay for the engagement ring and some other expenses.
An example of their mind set is the bride is buying a new dress for her shower, another new dress for her reception dinner and then the wedding dress. In the mean time her passport is expiring before the wedding and she is not renewing it because she can't afford the fee. They are planning a Carribean cruise for their honeymoon and there is a possibiity that she may not be able to get off the ship in the foreign ports without a passport.
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