resolution
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Post by resolution on Feb 27, 2013 17:43:29 GMT -5
I talked to DH about the gift when he got home this evening and he really likes the picture idea, so we are going to go ahead and get some pictures of baby brother-in-law growing up and make a nice collage to send. Even though they are going nuts over the wedding, they are still family and we are doing our best to keep the peace.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Feb 27, 2013 17:53:52 GMT -5
The bride's family is taking out loans to pay for the wedding, but apparently it isn't enough to cover everything. My BIL has taken a second job to pay for the engagement ring and some other expenses. An example of their mind set is the bride is buying a new dress for her shower, another new dress for her reception dinner and then the wedding dress. In the mean time her passport is expiring before the wedding and she is not renewing it because she can't afford the fee. They are planning a Carribean cruise for their honeymoon and there is a possibiity that she may not be able to get off the ship in the foreign ports without a passport. Serious YM fodder potential here. Oh and if your DH looks like that picture- she should just be happy he's showing up at all.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Feb 27, 2013 19:04:18 GMT -5
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Feb 27, 2013 21:30:12 GMT -5
If they've asked you DH for money for the wedding- who else is paying for the wedding? I know, it has nothing to do with a shower gift, but this just seems like a train wreck waiting to happen. And when is the wedding? I'm waiting for some serious fodder for us to dig our teeth into after that! Any chance you and cawiau will be somehow related after this wedding
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 27, 2013 21:35:21 GMT -5
They are making your husband change his hairstyle? That's nuts! Maybe a book on etiquette would be in order as a gift. But yeah, you should still do something gift wise. I'm going to a shower for my SIL and I'm giving her cash for her honeymoon. She is in her 40's and this is her first marriage and she has everything she could possibly need or want. Here's a gift for Resolution's husband to wear on his brother's wedding day. He will look great in the wedding pictures.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Feb 27, 2013 21:38:51 GMT -5
If they've asked you DH for money for the wedding- who else is paying for the wedding? I know, it has nothing to do with a shower gift, but this just seems like a train wreck waiting to happen. And when is the wedding? I'm waiting for some serious fodder for us to dig our teeth into after that! Any chance you and cawiau will be somehow related after this wedding
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tractor
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Post by tractor on Feb 28, 2013 9:23:29 GMT -5
If you really want to watch the bride collapse in a pool of tears, don't tell her that they won't even allow her on the cruise ship if her passport expires within six months of the departure date. It mentioned several times in the info sent by the cruise company. She might not figure that out until she gets to the departure port. Rules are rules.
She sounds like a winner, I have $5 that says the marrige won't last longer than the loan to pay for the wedding.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Feb 28, 2013 9:57:14 GMT -5
Tractor, I wouldn't have guessed about the 6 month window but I was thinking the odds would be high she wouldn't even be allowed to board. I'd probably notify BIL as I wouldn't want to listen to the constant whining that would probably follow not going on the honeymoon cruise. Maybe she can marry into Cawaiu's family if this doesn't work out. They may not be aware they should buy new clothes for Bridal showers, etc.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Feb 28, 2013 10:04:28 GMT -5
DH did tell his brother that he thought she wouldn't be able to board without a passport. BIL said its a closed loop cruise so all you need is a birth certificate and a driver's license. However I don't think they researched whether or not she would be allowed to get off the ship in the foreign ports.
He also just told his brother that we couldn't figure out a new hair style for him, so if they want him to change it they have to come up with a style themselves. I am kind of interested in seeing what they had in mind. DH didn't like my shave his head bald plan.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Feb 28, 2013 11:35:59 GMT -5
I think if it's a closed loop cruise, she can get off and on. But if there is an emergency- she's screwed. You can't return by air without a passport. So if the generators fail, and your floating for a week....
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Feb 28, 2013 11:58:13 GMT -5
I read a few web pages on the closed loop cruise thing and basically Royal Caribbean pointed on their website it is far better to have the passport for the reasons agilemom stated plus if for any reason they miss the boat or behave in such a way they are left at a port. Plus it sounds like you might incur extra charges at various ports simply because you do not have a passport. In any event it should make for some good stories. Hopefully she'll take those new dresses with her to wear on the cruise ship.
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tractor
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Post by tractor on Feb 28, 2013 12:11:40 GMT -5
I brought up the passport thing because we are getting ready to go in about 30 days and its mentioned several times in the documents they send you. I made sure we were covered. I suppose it has to do with where you depart from, there are people who don't know that the "Caribbean " includes quite a few different countries, and not everyone plays by the same rules. It would be a pretty boring cruise if all you did was stay on the boat the whole time, might as well get a hotel on the beach instead.
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on Mar 1, 2013 1:20:51 GMT -5
If she can't afford the passport, How are the going to afford the cruise?
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Mar 1, 2013 6:43:50 GMT -5
Please buy them a gift. It can be something from Walmart, but please it is family and you don't ever want them to say that 'you didn't approve of the marriage', 'you shunned them', 'you didn't support them', etc... And NO the tux does not count. You need to give them something they can actually hold in their hand and say 'brother and sister in law gave us this'.
Trust me on this one.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 1, 2013 12:31:40 GMT -5
I second that grooms tux is usually free if others rent there. So what'd your DH get " taken" for? Send a gift of some sort and bring a decent wedding present and call it good.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Mar 2, 2013 17:41:34 GMT -5
I talked to DH about the tux and he said his brother told him about the tux being free. DH agreed for the money to go towards renting a tux for the bride's father instead. BIL picked an expensive type of tux to rent, so we will be out around $500 for the rental of two tuxes. Two of the five bride's maids have dropped out of the wedding after finding out the cost of the dresses; I don't know how much those ended up being.
And you were right that they have stopped counting the tux as our wedding gift, so we are going to end up with the framed pictures as a shower gift and a small gift from the registry as a wedding gift. In addition I am helping in a small way to make the wedding favors.
MIL is making the 12 hour round trip to the shower and offered me a ride but that is more than I can bring myself to do.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Mar 2, 2013 19:42:55 GMT -5
resolution: I gotta tell ya, I really admire your patience and fortitude with these folks. They sound like a real piece of work, and I know I wouldn't be anywhere near as kind or as patient as you are. If we still had karma, I'd give you some . Good for you for looking for ways to keep peace in and bad feelings out of the family. Lots of folks don't look at the trouble they're creating for themselves in the long term with their reactive behavior. They forget that 30-40-50 years from now, these folks (for better or worse) will still be in their lives. Some day the wedding will be a loooooong time ago, but the people and the hurt feelings may still be around. So good for you for protecting yourself by staying "on the sidelines," but also trying hard to be nice. You're a better person than I am!
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susanb
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Post by susanb on Mar 2, 2013 19:53:12 GMT -5
Resolution, I agree with Kittensaver that you are handling this really well. Some people are impossible to please, so being flexible while honoring your own boundaries is the best you can do.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Mar 2, 2013 20:01:23 GMT -5
Having a pricey wedding, new dresses for every occassion,, and a cruise honeymoon but cannot afford to renew her passport? Enjoy the festivities and keep the stories coming, please?
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Mar 3, 2013 10:58:30 GMT -5
Honestly, I wouldn't change my husband's hairstyle one iota. I wouldn't bother to get a shower gift. They're being obnoxious. If she can't sacrifice a dress to get the money to have her passport renewed, then she certainly doesn't need anymore "stuff."
A wedding gift of the groom's tux, plus paying for your husband's tux, plus your presence at the wedding should be sufficient.
There is a lot of "bridal entitlement" going on based on those rivalistic wedding shows such as "Briedezilla", "Say Yes to the Dress", and the one where the brides judge each others' weddings to win a honeymoon (the name of the show escapes me at the moment, but I particularly laughed at the hideous goth bride's wedding that supposedly cost $ 160,000, and had a big, black wedding cake and human tumblers in a venue that looked like an overdone Halloween haunted house set-up ). Brides just have to say "yes", as do the grooms, slip rings on each others' fingers, and feed some cake and punch to the onlookers. The rest is just literal window-dressing. Half of the marriages will most likely end in divorce. It's just weird.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Mar 3, 2013 11:19:16 GMT -5
Also I want to second everyone else's admiration of how patient and pleasant you're being in the face of this wedding, uh, crappola. You and your DH are better people than I'd be, I think. Usually I suck it up for the sake of family, but I wouldn't helping the DB ( Dear Bride ) with her party favors.....wow.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Mar 3, 2013 14:36:46 GMT -5
DH did tell his brother that he thought she wouldn't be able to board without a passport. BIL said its a closed loop cruise so all you need is a birth certificate and a driver's license. However I don't think they researched whether or not she would be allowed to get off the ship in the foreign ports. He also just told his brother that we couldn't figure out a new hair style for him, so if they want him to change it they have to come up with a style themselves. I am kind of interested in seeing what they had in mind. DH didn't like my shave his head bald plan. That is true about cruises. I've taken several before I had a passport and had no issues. The risk is if you get injured or sick and need to fly home...you are screwed without a passport
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Mar 3, 2013 14:37:52 GMT -5
No way in hell would I change my hair, send a gift or not tell them off for asking me to kick in money for THEIR wedding! Geesh, the entitled attitude so many have never ceases to amaze me.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Mar 3, 2013 14:43:42 GMT -5
Please buy them a gift. It can be something from Walmart, but please it is family and you don't ever want them to say that 'you didn't approve of the marriage', 'you shunned them', 'you didn't support them', etc... And NO the tux does not count. You need to give them something they can actually hold in their hand and say 'brother and sister in law gave us this'. Trust me on this one. Ooooh, buying cheap crap from Wal-Mart is even better than not sending anything...or better yet, get a frame from the Dollar Store... I'm just not as nice as some of you. Years ago I was asked by a cousin of mine to be in her wedding. I was NOT close to her but she had no friends so she asked a few of her cousins. I felt bad (I know, i shocked myself!) so I said yes. She turned into a huge Bridezilla, expecting us to buy these outrageously expensive dresses, pay for a really expensive shower, planned an expensive trip to AC for her "bachelorette weekend", etc. Once I ran the numbers I called her up and said that there was no way I could spend that kind of money on her wedding so I was backing out. My other cousins who are too sweet stuck it out...they bought the dresses and paid for the shower...3 weeks before the wedding they called it off! And to show what a truly classy woman she is, she kept the gifts!lol
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Mar 3, 2013 17:48:16 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for the kind words and encouragement. I am being especially careful because I have seen the long term outcome of family divisions in a couple people's lives and it isn't something that I want for myself or for DH.
An update on the hair issue - it seems that they are also unable to come up with a better hair style for DH, so at this point he is attending with his own hair. He still doesn't like my idea of shaving it bald.
For the wedding favors - my mother-in-law is making the wedding favors and she asked me for help. She is canning a bunch of different jams from fruit and berries that she grew in her garden and then she is making little fabric designs to go around the jars, tied with straw and then tying on little sayings about love. I got drafted for setting up and printing the little sayings with different patterns and colors to match the wedding theme. It's is something I am doing to relieve stress for MIL rather than any desire to pitch in for the wedding.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Mar 3, 2013 18:27:07 GMT -5
I am being especially careful because I have seen the long term outcome of family divisions in a couple people's lives and it isn't something that I want for myself or for DH. =========================== You are a wise woman
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2013 18:38:17 GMT -5
IMO paying for the bride's passport would be the BEST. GIFT. EVER!!!
But something tells me they won't see it like that. They'd rather have the picture frame, or something else they can keep "forever".
You are a star! The tuxes don't count, the help with the wedding favors doesn't count. Something tells me the refusal to gift money for the wedding WILL count, even if you gift the picture frame (and I agree that you should gift something. I think that's a lovely gift, especially in light of everything you have already done / are doing that won't count).
Kudos to you for rising above this!
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Mar 3, 2013 20:56:39 GMT -5
Oh, oh, I know --- put a picture of you and MIL making the party favors in the frame with a nice card saying something along the line of "this picture is for your wedding scrap book, to be replaced by you with a picture of the big day or the honeymoon". So you have a gift AND you get to claim the work you are doing and she has no way of claiming you didn't care enough. Devious, if I do say so myself
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Mar 4, 2013 6:43:24 GMT -5
A set of dishtowels and dishcloths from Walmart would run $10. I don't think that is crap. Only $10 and again, something they can hold in their hand and say 'Bro and Sis gave us these.'
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marvholly
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Post by marvholly on Mar 4, 2013 8:50:14 GMT -5
Quote: She sounds like a winner, I have $5 that says the marrige won't last longer than the loan to pay for the wedding.
I raise it to $10 BUT elongate lasting to 12 months.
I have NO current plans to travel anywhere, let alone out of the country but I just renewed my passport in Jan. It is also great ID for opening bank accounts better than drivers license since it proves citizenship.
ETA to add Whoops I thought loan was 6 months. Did not realize no time was given.
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