stats45
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Post by stats45 on Feb 8, 2011 13:19:34 GMT -5
Msgumby, unless the numbers have changed, I believe that a student (in or past their third year in college) can take out around $10,000 a year in loans only half of which can be subsidized. This means that she could collect around $20,000 in student loan debt in less than two years.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 8, 2011 13:38:51 GMT -5
And no means to ever repay it.
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workpublic
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Catch and release please
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Post by workpublic on Feb 8, 2011 13:44:13 GMT -5
can she find another husband?
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Feb 8, 2011 13:49:16 GMT -5
can she find another husband? Given her track record this could be another way for her to go down in flames.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 8, 2011 15:55:15 GMT -5
Well, when unemployment ends, welfare will begin.
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Post by angel007 on Feb 8, 2011 22:08:01 GMT -5
Before you know it, it will be a year instead of 5 mos. worth of helping your MIL and young SIL, and 30k later...time really does fly.
Imo, I think that's a reasonable amount of both time and help to your family, for something as important as this life change they are faced with making.
Continue to feel good about it, plan for it and good luck ...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2011 2:30:03 GMT -5
Hi - I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Firstly let me say your mother in law should get on her knees and give thanks for having a DIL like you.
Here is what I have found so striking in your posts and replies so far. you are repeatly stating what MIL will and won't do - what she won't allow to happen or refuses to do.
You know what? You get to control your own life when you finance it yourself. If you want to depend on someone to finance a big part of your life, then you give up your autonomy to make all your life decisions. You and your hubs write the checks so you get a say in what will and won't happen. There is no reason to continue to allow this woman to run the show when she is so obviously incapable of making good decisions.
I certainly wish you well with this awful situation. You are caring and generous.
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lajes
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Post by lajes on Feb 9, 2011 21:18:40 GMT -5
OldnCrabby,
Spot on-- If I could communicate better, I would have said what you just did.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 10, 2011 8:54:43 GMT -5
Amen. I'd be like "not another dime" until these conditions are met. I always love people who think nothing of "borrowing" but "returning" never happens or even being grateful and appreciative. What it means when you "loan" people money is that they now realize you will do it so it goes on and on.
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msgumby
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Post by msgumby on Feb 10, 2011 13:09:45 GMT -5
It's hard to find a happy medium to this. I do agree that limitations are important to have in place, but also it's a fine line to walk. MIL already feels bad enough asking for money, but to then be told (not just suggested) how to run her life is really degrading for a grown woman with 2 children that she mas (mostly) raised on her own. I prefer to start by suggesting things and trying to make it something she would agree with. The hard part comes when it's something she doesn't want to do, and how to apply the right amount of pressure to get her to agree without completely eroding her self worth or getting to the point where she won't come to us for advice on things (and just make poor decisions without telling us about them first). And while we have been providing financial support, she has been providing some of her own, and is used to being more independant. If this really is a temporary situation (less than a year or so) it doesn't make sense to be super forceful and it does makes sense to try to negotiate more. That way when she is able to support herself she will continue living the values we've helped her decide are important. Also, ultimatums only work when you are willing to follow through with them, and I don't want to give one out until I'm confident we would follow through on it.
If this does seem to be going on longer I think it will be a good idea to put more force into the discussions. I'm thinking that it's been about 5 months, which isn't that long for the situation (job loss + divorce). I would really like to work on her canceling her life insurance policies, and will work to be more forceful on that, while hopefully avoiding ultimatums. We will try to get SIL out for as much of the summer as we can and around that time we will re-evaluate how much she is asking for and if it is a level we are comfortable with still. If it extends to a year + of support, we will start to put more force into negotiations and limitations.
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motherto2
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Post by motherto2 on Feb 17, 2011 22:18:43 GMT -5
Msgumby, kudos to you and your husband. I don't know how I would hold up under your circumstances. Maybe one way to convince her to drop the life insurance policies would be to show her what she could be doing with the money that she is currently throwing down the toilet on the policies. If it's around $150, show her how she could have been paying for this or that herself, or saving it and how she could have paid for her car troubles herself, etc. Since others have pointed out that your support could ultimately hurt her, I think the gift card idea is a good solution to that problem. The money that she could spend on groceries, clothes, gas, etc. couldn't be traced back to you all. Another good point would be to show her how much it would cost her to pay back the school loan, and how maybe she could start paying a little on that while she's in school to help alleviate the payment after she finishes school. Just curious, since she has recently been in the medical field, is there any sort of vocational training in that field that maybe wouldn't take as long and would be more beneficial in getting a better paying job? Good luck, and thank heaven that you and your husband are in a financial position to help out.
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april47
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Post by april47 on Feb 20, 2011 14:44:47 GMT -5
She needs to move into an area with more lower end jobs available. A bigger area would also more likely have agencies that can help her find a low rent apartment, especially since she has a minor child. Did you say she owns that lot and trailer? It would be great if she could sell it to help her move. Even if she stuck to graduate she may have a terrible time finding a job in the computer field and just end up with student loan debt. How about LPN school? Would she enjoy nursing? Employers in the computer field are looking for these bright kids who grew up with computers and often will hire one of these bright kids degree or not. Your MIL work history doesn't sound great and some employers are checking credit reports now too.
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Post by truthishard on Feb 21, 2011 12:34:37 GMT -5
Dear Ms Gumby...
will you marry me?
seriously----you sound like your head is on straight...and I'm happy for both of you that you've broken the cycle and are on your way.
Our relatives will nearly always need help....the closer they are to us..the tougher the decision is. Your MIL's decisions may not have been the best....but it does sound like she is succumbing to accepting support with greater and greater ease.
The longer you wait to pull back on the open wallet..the harder it will be for all of you.
If she accepts monetary support...then she also should accept advice on getting to a place where she has opportunity...and that may not be continuing to live in the middle of nowhere. If she's serious about making it on her own...she'll move. If she is content to siphon money from the two of you...she won't.
Her issue with the life insurance question is very telling. I know she feels like she needs to provide for her younger child if something happens ...(another poor decision to have a child late in life I'm thinking) but not seeing the light and going to a term policy is indicative of either stubbornness or zero financial education or both.
I suspect it will come down to whether or not she is willing to move to increase her opportunities. Tough love would be to throttle back on helping her until she realizes this. It will be painful...but until then...she has established a pattern of need....which will not be broken by her.
A more drastic move is needed. I might say this....it sounds like your husband is being passive about this and is hung up on his responsibilities as a son. His primary responsibility is to you...not his mother....and he's gonna have to make the hard decision where she is concerned.
I wish more young marrieds in their late 20's (guessing) were as mature as the two of you.
Good luck with it.....
From "I broke the cycle too"
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