shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Dec 27, 2012 17:14:43 GMT -5
Now I know that it can take people who are trying to conceive over a year to do so, but I feel like ranting anyway.
Begin Rant We are now almost a full year into the adoption process, and we're still a few MONTHS away from having the paperwork that will let us even let us be considered for placements! In fact, the process is taking so long that our social worker (who does NOT work for the state) is going to have to come out and redo the home study. And why is that part taking so long? The stupid state, where one hand doesn't appear to know what the other hand is doing.
We all got our background checks done this summer (like July). Roommate J had to go back and redo his fingerprints because there was a mess up. We didn't do the home study until after our background checks were back and his second set of prints had been sent in because we didn't want it to expire. But then, it either took the FBI more than a month longer to do his background check than it had ours or the state sat on the results, confused, because we had told them in advance that he had a criminal record and the FBI report came back clean. Finally, they figured out that the state of NV does not participate in the standard FBI background check unless you pay them extra money. So in late September (maybe early October), J went and got his fingerprints down a 3rd time so that we could send that fingerprint card (and a money order) to DSHS here in WA and they could send it to NV for a NV background check.
Per the state of NV website, it takes them 6-7 weeks to complete the background check. In this case, that time should have been up roughly the week before Thanksgiving (roughly because I don't know how long it took WA to mail the request to NV once we mailed it to them). Because of the holiday, I tried to be patient. But the week after Thanksgiving, I started emailing our social worker to see if she had heard back from DSHS on the NV background check. Nothing. I kept pushing. Finally, the case worker with the state assigned to our foster license application came back and said "We don't have it. They must have mailed it to you." Well, don't give me that crud. I saw all the forms J had to fill out, and I knew for a fact that DSHS had specifically filled out the section that said the report was to go to them. But since they weren't doing anything about it, I decided to. I called the department in NV that does criminal record checks. They were able to look and tell me that they had mailed the results on November 7. They couldn't tell me more, because I wasn't the person the records were for or the person they were being sent to. However, J was able to call them and get the name of the person they had been sent attention to at DSHS here. I sent that information on to our social worker.
The first week of December, DSHS tracked down J's background check. It had come in to the attention of the person that all background checks come into, and looked at it and determined there wasn't a pending application with that last name and simply filed it away, never getting it to the case worker working on our case.
One month lost there. Then the state case worker comes back with a letter to J that states "In the course of our investigation, we discovered you had a criminal record. Because of that, we now need X & Y documentation from you, and a letter stating the good things you've done in your life since then." This annoyed me because they only found the criminal record because we told them it would be there. Since we all knew it was going to be found, couldn't they have told us about this requirement sooner? Luckily, our social worker had been on the ball and knew about the X & Y requirements, so we had already gotten those to her, and with a quick release of information signed by J, she was able to get those to the state. But he still had to write the letter. We got the request on Friday, 12/14. J wrote the letter and we emailed a PDF copy to the state case worker on Monday, 12/17. She then asked for one more bit of information and that we mail a physical copy to her. (But thank goodness we'd done the email version first, so we knew about the extra piece of info.) I forgot to mail the letter on Tuesday, but it made it in the mail on Wednesday. I emailed the state case worker directly on Friday with a note that said "It should have gotten there yesterday. If you don't have it by today, please let me know." No more of this waiting around for them crud. She did reply on Friday, 12/21 letting me know she had it.
Today, I emailed our social worker (who was in the middle of writing an email to me) about next steps. We have to wait for the administrative approval on J (for a criminal record from literally over 20 years ago that was only a crime because NV is run by the casinos), and those people are likely on vacation right now. We don't know for certain. Once we get the clearance from the state, we have to redo our home study and have J there this time, as well, so that he can sign the policies. (That will be fun, finding a time DH isn't in school, J and I can both get off work for ~4 hours, and our social worker has time.) Once that's done, our social worker has to complete her end of the home study and review it with the agency heads. That takes a few weeks. Once it's reviewed by them, DH and I get to read over it and make sure we agree with it. At that time, we also get to meet with the placement coordinator about the child search process. (So at least that will feel like moving forward.) Then, our social worker submits all the paperwork back to the state for our official foster care license- which could take a few months to get. The good news is that we can be considered for the infant relinquishment program before the foster care license comes in.
So what this means is that we're looking at probably late February for finishing up the home study (being realistic about scheduling issues here), and so possibly May for the foster care license.
And here another issue comes up- the major training you have to do for a foster license is good for 3 years. We did ours in April 2010 when we first talked about adopting (and then put it on hold until January last year). That means that our training will be over 3 years old by the time of the foster license. The training is a roughly 12 hour event (we did our first one over the course of 3 week nights and a Saturday). You don't have to do it again every 3 years if you take enough "continuing education" type trainings during that time, but I don't know if the trainings through our agency count or not, or if we've taken enough of them. So, in addition to all of this, I might also need to try and find another 4 day period where DH and I can take the 12 hour training again. ARGH! End Rant
If you're still with me (or if you just skipped over the rant), this is the point where I remind myself that this is my choice. It's also when I remind myself that kids- no matter how they come into your life, come on their own schedule, not yours. When choosing adoption, I knew the timeline could stretch out into years waiting for a placement (I just hadn't thought the paperwork stage would take that long.) Still, starting in possibly as little as 8 weeks, our "Pick Me, Pick Me" book will be in front of birth parents. So there's that to look forward to.
But please, learn a lesson from us- if you have a criminal record in NV, just don't mention it to anyone. It won't show up in the FBI background check unless you're paying extra for it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2012 17:20:17 GMT -5
Good things come to those who wait When you finally get your baby, it will all be worth it and all this stuff will be a blurr. I hope the rest of the process goes smoothly for you.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Dec 27, 2012 17:21:25 GMT -5
I'm sorry.
It angers me when people throw adoption around glibly as an alternative to doing fertility treatments. Because, you know, adoption is the easy alternative.
I hope things go more smoothly from here on out.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 27, 2012 17:22:17 GMT -5
Geez, and I thought having to be background checked and home studied to get DH's own child to live in his home was a PITA. (We were 20 minutes across the state line when his ex managed to lose custody, took us MONTHS to get the kid in our house) ETA: I do hope they have no more snafus for you, and it goes surprisingly fast.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Dec 27, 2012 17:34:18 GMT -5
Hugs. I can sympathize. No matter how you get a child it involves way more patience than I have. But in the end, you get there. I hope everything actually goes smoothly the next couple months.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Dec 27, 2012 17:46:23 GMT -5
Thanks, everyone.
Muttley: Not more patience than you have- just exactly how much patience you have. (I'm guessing baby girl isn't here yet? Soon. Maybe you'll get the last baby of the old year or the first baby of the new year- not that you want to wait 4/5 more days.)
giramomma: Everyone has to get to parenthood by their own method. Adoption isn't for everyone and there are certainly days when I question the fact that it is my first choice. Life would be so much easier if I were willing to do this the old fashioned way (assuming that worked for us. We are "older" now, in our mid-late 30s). We actually stayed away from any pictures of the kid's room in the "pick me" book (not what they are actually called), partly because we're also open to adopting from foster care and our license will be for kids 0-6 years old. I don't want to decorate for a baby and then place a 5 year old in that room. We chose pictures of us, our close family and friends, our dogs, and our yard. The pictures include us on our trip to England because that's something we very much hope to do again. They also include us playing Rock Band with friends- in pictures that nicely highlight the diversity of our group. (Yes- it felt a little dirty searching through the pics to find ones that specifically has us and our friends of "color" in them.) I'm hoping that if we get chosen by birth parents it will be on the strength of our Dear Birth Parent letter, and perhaps the fact that we love dogs.
CL: I'd be annoyed that you had to go through that for DH's own child, too. I have to guess that he didn't have custody at all before that? Because otherwise, the state shouldn't have been able to take custody and require that.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Dec 27, 2012 18:00:43 GMT -5
shanen - Yeah, no baby and I was assuming I would be induced on the 3rd if she's not here yet, I found out today they are already "full" for inductions that day and I have to wait until the 7th if she doesn't come on her own. I've cried all freakin afternoon after that information. For some reason 4 more days seems like more than I can bare. ETA: I really hope the hard part is behind you in the process and everything else is smooth sailing.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 27, 2012 23:03:17 GMT -5
I hope things go smoother from here on it. You deserve it.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Dec 27, 2012 23:29:07 GMT -5
I've always found it ironic that any crackhead can have a kid just like *that*, but a stable, loving couple who could provide a great home for a baby has to jump through all kinds of hoops. I can't really put it into words, but something is really wrong with that picture.....
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Dec 27, 2012 23:45:18 GMT -5
I've always found it ironic that any crackhead can have a kid just like *that*, but a stable, loving couple who could provide a great home for a baby has to jump through all kinds of hoops. I can't really put it into words, but something is really wrong with that picture..... Seriously. And all the stories you hear about shady foster parents - how the hell do they get through all of the checks and paperwork in the first place? ? Shanendoah - I hope things get better for you from here on out. KMFX that 2013 brings you a baby/toddler/child.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Dec 28, 2012 8:02:16 GMT -5
I've always found it ironic that any crackhead can have a kid just like *that*, but a stable, loving couple who could provide a great home for a baby has to jump through all kinds of hoops. I can't really put it into words, but something is really wrong with that picture..... Seriously. And all the stories you hear about shady foster parents - how the hell do they get through all of the checks and paperwork in the first place? ? Shanendoah - I hope things get better for you from here on out. KMFX that 2013 brings you a baby/toddler/child.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 28, 2012 8:28:21 GMT -5
Funny, the shakiest of foster parents lived on our street but because he was a sheriff nothing was ever done. But the homes I screened when I was a GAL were better than what the so-called REAL parents provided so there's an improvement. If I outlive DF I'm taking older foster kids into my home because they seem to be the ones who never get into real homes, forever homes. Granted, I'm not taking crazies because I have no desire to be killed in my sleep or my animals hurt but there's plenty of nice kids out there who just got dealt a bad parent hand.
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milee
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Post by milee on Dec 28, 2012 9:00:36 GMT -5
the homes I screened when I was a GAL were better than what the so-called REAL parents provided so there's an improvement. If I outlive DF I'm taking older foster kids into my home because they seem to be the ones who never get into real homes, forever homes. Granted, I'm not taking crazies because I have no desire to be killed in my sleep or my animals hurt but there's plenty of nice kids out there who just got dealt a bad parent hand. Funny how many of us who were GALs or CASAs have decided the same thing. When my boys are older, I'm planning to foster teen boys. There are a lot of good kids who just need a good home for a few years but end up getting stuck in the "group home" (that's the new, PC term for orphanage) hell because people only want the babies and cute toddlers. I'm only a mediocre parent, but think that's probably still a step above what they get in the group homes living with a mix of kids that includes both the good and the bad.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 28, 2012 9:12:47 GMT -5
Yup, some of these kids are real smart and could be college material but are never encouraged that direction because the state pays for it.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Dec 28, 2012 9:13:01 GMT -5
I had thought about doing something like that, but how can you tell apart the teens that got a bad break from the crazy ones?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 28, 2012 9:16:08 GMT -5
You read their files. Plus caseworkers really want some good kids placed and want you to take more so they really won't screw with you. I made it clear to the one I worked with that I was hugely into education and was okay working with a kid who wasn't the brightest book on the shelf as long as she tried hard. The student did try but it was really too late for her and she still had bad parental influences involved. Sad. So I got her to the end of her age out status and then she went her merry way to live the life that her mother and sisters were leading.
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milee
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Post by milee on Dec 28, 2012 9:34:48 GMT -5
I had thought about doing something like that, but how can you tell apart the teens that got a bad break from the crazy ones? Talk to the caseworkers, the other employees at the group home and the teachers. But as Zib said, the caseworkers do usually have a good idea which kids are which, so if the caseworker thinks you are a good or special home, they will work with you to get a kid that fits. Most of the caseworkers really do care, so they want the good kids to go to good homes. Unfortunately, in some areas you won't be allowed to read their files. In fact, some states have been accused of deliberately concealing certain key information from foster and adoptive families. When I do the foster thing, there are some questions I'm going to directly ask. Although a caseworker might feel uncomfortable volunteering the information, it's much harder and less likely for them to lie to a direct question. Zib mentioned some of the really important questions, but here are a few I'd ask: Has this child ever hurt an animal? Has this child ever started a fire, even accidentally? Has this child ever seriously hurt another child? (BTW, in 99% of the cases, for me, a "yes" to any of those puts the child into the "too much for my limited skills to handle" category.) Has this child ever been physically abused? Has this child ever been sexually abused? (I wouldn't necessarily say no - and honestly a good majority of the foster kids have been either physically or sexually abused - but I would be making sure they were getting the appropriate therapy and that I was watching very closely for signs that the kid was going to repeat the cycle, which is unfortunately common.) What are the top 3 challenges this kid faces? What one thing would make the biggest difference in this child's life? If you were a foster parent, would you foster this child? Why or why not?
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 28, 2012 10:02:31 GMT -5
It was because we were just across the state line of the state she lives in. It was less than 30 minutes to our house but because we were in a different state, we had to jump through a million hoops. There had already been a paternity test so there was no question it was indeed his kid but instead of making arrangements with our state to keep an eye on him and sending him home, he got to bounce from grandmas, to us (with special permission and a time limit), back to grandma, back to us, and then to DH's aunt's house. It took 8 months in all for him to get left with us permanently.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 28, 2012 10:31:46 GMT -5
I know. But it used to be anyone with a check or connections could adopt and seeing it in my own family makes me wish they'd screened harder in the 50s and 60s
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Dec 28, 2012 10:33:27 GMT -5
CL: I'm sorry your DS had to go through that. Sucks for you and DH, but even more for the kid.
If I weren't married, I'd probably have been fostering teenage girls for the last 5+ years. I actually love teenagers.
Some of the problems with kids coming into the system is that the case worker may not know their entire history. Currently, even though we're looking at the 0-6 age group, we do have the note that we will not take any child who has a history of harming animals. We have a responsibility to our dogs who are already part of our family. We're open to most other things, except major medical (physical and mental) health issues. The thing about kids being sexually abused is that they can be in care for months before anyone knows about the abuse. They've been conditioned to fear all adults, and been told that bad things will happen to themselves or those they love if they tell. And since one of the worst possible things has already happened (from a kids' perspective- they've been taken away from their families), well, it seems very reasonable to these kids that more bad things will happen if they tell. It really can be months and months before they trust someone enough to say anything. This leads to foster parents/case workers having to look for other signs, like inappropriate behavior.
Funny story about that... I had a friend (he died of cancer a few years ago) whose living situation was not such that he could have primary custody of his girls, so they lived with his ex-wife. The ex was an addict struggling with her addiction and not always succeeding. When he would show up for a visitation and notice the ex was using again, he would call social services himself to get the girls out of the situation. As such, his girls were in and out of foster care while they were young. One day, another friend of ours, who was a FedEx delivery guy, happens to deliver a package to the foster home the girls are currently in. The youngest spots him as he's coming up the walk and runs out and attaches herself to his leg. The foster mom is naturally mortified and pretty obviously thinking that this might be a behavioral clue. FedEx friend has to assure her that no, no he's just "Uncle S", a good friend of their father's, and has known the girls since they were born. Her behavior wasn't inappropriate, it was the behavior of a 4 year old in a strange situation suddenly seeing a familiar face.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 28, 2012 10:55:54 GMT -5
Good question
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Dec 28, 2012 11:00:19 GMT -5
I will say that I don't mind the paperwork and the background checks, etc. I knew when I chose adoption that I was choosing to go through that. And I do appreciate that they need to be thorough. My biggest problem currently is the state sitting on J's background check for a month- the person who needed it never even checking to see if it came in, and then pretty much accusing us of losing it, when it was sitting in the office of a co-worker down the hall. That, and when we tell you what result you're going to get, why can't you tell us up front what follow up documentation you'll need. We could have had X & Y and the letter already in the case worker's file the day the background check came in. It just seems like a lot of needless delays- delays which are now making it so we have to repeat some of the work we've already done because of time limits.
Whenever there's any type of adoption process, there will always be people who think it should be easier for the "good" people and harder for the "bad" people- without connecting the dots that you can't know the good people from the bad without the process. In pet adoptions, there are all sorts of people calling for it to be more difficult to get a dog. At the same time, when there are rescues out there that require things like multi-page applications and home visits, everyone has fits about how it shouldn't be that much work to adopt a pet. Talking with people looking to adopt or foster kids, we have those who won't ever do it because there are too many hoops to jump through (and there is NOTHING wrong with that, I'm just making a point) and those who complain that "bad" people still get kids. I won't say the process is perfect by any means, but you can't look at a person or a couple and know they're "good" people. Everyone needs to go through the hoops. It's the best method we currently have for protecting the child's interest. But that doesn't mean things can't slip through the cracks- they never would have found J's criminal record if he hadn't told our social worker about it from the beginning. It also doesn't mean that people won't lie while going through the process.
Personally, I think one of the biggest problems are that most foster parents don't have their own advocate in the process. The job of the state worker is to find a safe bed for the child. That means that even if you're in a foster to adopt program, if you have an open bed, the case worker might call you. Will the child be able to be adopted? Who knows. Is this a child who is a right fit for your home? Likely not. But it's still a child, a child who needs a safe place to sleep and food to eat, and you've got someone on the phone asking you please, please open your home to this child. DH and I feel guilty for meeting a dog at a shelter and not adopting it. How were we ever going to say "No" to opening our home to a child who needed a home, even if we knew it wasn't the right fit? That's why we chose to pay to go through and agency instead of going directly through the state. In this case, the child's case worker is never calling us directly. They are talking to our social worker, to the child placement specialist at the agency, and those people are our advocates. They get to say "no" for us, and only present us with kids who might actually be a good match. I think if there were always advocates on both sides of the equation, we'd end up with better results for all involved.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Dec 28, 2012 11:04:44 GMT -5
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 28, 2012 11:07:07 GMT -5
A very good idea. What about going to the newspaper about it? That's how gay adopting got okayed. People started to feel that a good home run by gays was better than languishing in the system.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Dec 28, 2012 11:12:47 GMT -5
The agency told us that one of the hoops we'd have to jump through was we'd have to keep our two tiny dogs penned up. CPS doesn't take a child from the home where pit bulls are running loose, so why such a hoop for a potential foster parent? There is a big difference between taking a child out of a situation that may or may not be harmful & placing them in that situation. You don't want to take them out of a home unless necessary, but you certainly don't want to start putting them in homes where they could be in danger. As stupid & unfair as it seems when you know you are a good parent looking to adopt, it does make sense. Some of these kids have already been through a lot, you don't want to put them in another potentially bad environment & screw them up more.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Dec 28, 2012 11:16:15 GMT -5
Lone: I think the person you were talking to was smoking something. When we first started the process, we still had our Smokey angel, who was a Lab/Pit mix (my only failing was that I never got him his own child to play with). The very first thing I looked at in the foster care packet was animal regulations. There was NOTHING about dogs or cats other than standard have them up on their shots kind of things. The only thing they cared about was reptiles- any reptiles, including turtles. 90% of the regulations about pets had to do with reptiles. So if you want to foster/adopt, I would suggest not keeping a ball python or even geckos. They are ridiculously paranoid about reptiles. Now, we have had to answer questions about our dogs, including how we think they'd do with a child. Since we have friends with infants and toddlers, we're able to answer that question with certainty. We also mention that we wouldn't leave a small child unsupervised with the dogs, but honestly, that's as much about protecting my dogs as it is the kid.
rukh: I'd say don't apply on a whim, but if you are interested, go to an information session. Since you travel so much, your partner would have to be the licensed foster parent. You could be too, but they only require one adult in the household to be licensed, but that person does need to be around. That's not about parenting skills, its about the fact that foster kids often have more appointments than other kids. There are visitations, court dates, meetings with the social worker, medical appts, etc. As for the veggie/vegan household, that shouldn't prevent anything either. However, if you're looking at taking in very young children as fosters, they might ask you to be open to some non-vegan foods. Little kids have a limited pallet, and is it really in their best interest to be force changing their diet at the same time everything else in their life is changing? Or can you let them eat chicken nuggets for a week or two as they settle in. Because we're adopting and don't care about the ethnicity of the child, we have also been asked to be open to food that might be outside of our normal diet if it is the traditional food of the child. That's not to say we have to change our diet, but simply asks us to be willing to incorporate new things into our life.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2012 11:44:57 GMT -5
I work full time and foster 2 girls, 9 & 16. They can have "relief" when I need to go out of town. I have a friend that got approved and she comes to stay at my place the once or twice a year it happens. For appts their workers and I work it out, if I can't because of work the worker will take them. My work is very supportive so that has only happened once or twice when it was a last minute thing.
My sympathies on the delays shan. In Canada I have my own worker to advocate for me so I didn't even consider going privately. I don't even know if I could.
ETA - And I am single.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Dec 28, 2012 12:09:20 GMT -5
Shan,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences as you go through the process.
DH and I have talked several times about adopting/fostering, but like others, are concerned we'd be handed a kid with challenges far too great for us to handle. We don't trust ourselves to recognize the signs early enough -- not because we're clueless -- but because, if anything, we are diehard optimists who like to believe we can make almost anything work with enough time and effort. That said, I don't want to be locking up my kitchen knives and sleeping with one eye open, kwim? Especially since I have 2 teens of my own still at home...
Do you mind telling me (even by PM, if you prefer) what type of private agency is representing you? If we ever did follow through, I think the only way we could is if we had a trustworthy "expert" on our side to buffer the pressure to take kids who may not be a good fit for us.
Thanks!
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Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Dec 28, 2012 12:19:45 GMT -5
And now the ads at the top of the page are on fostering teens.
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shanendoah
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:44:48 GMT -5
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Post by shanendoah on Dec 28, 2012 12:27:24 GMT -5
GRG: I love my agency and chose them for specific reasons, so I don't mind sharing who I'm going with. We are going through Amara amaraparenting.org/. They have been in the Seattle area for 90 years. We chose them for a number of reasons. 1) We can be both on a foster to adopt and an infant relinquishment track at the same time 2) Their fees for infant relinquishment adoptions are on a sliding scale based on income. Instead of starting at $25,000, as most agencies in the area do, they top out at $25k. Based on their scale, our fees will be less than $15k. (This does not include legal fees, but no agency does.) 3) If we adopt via foster care, the cost to us will be $2k total (which we've already paid), which covers our home study, background checks, and having an advocate. 4) The agency we are going through shares our same social values (ie not religious, socially liberal, open to all kinds of families). Adoption laws can vary a lot by state. If you are looking only to foster and not adopt, there won't be a lot of private agencies to go through. In our area, the only private agency I know of that helps foster parents is Catholic Family Services. Every other agency works only with the foster to adopt program.
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