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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2012 10:17:35 GMT -5
Harder than you would push someone else?
In the past 4 years, my wife recruited me twice as her personal trainer and both times I ended up firing her or getting fired (depending on who you ask).
She recruited me again yesterday asking me to take control of her training/diet and be her trainer. My reaction was "here we go again".
She feels I push her too hard, I feel she doesn't push/try hard enough. She said she will do everything I ask, no questions. But that usually last a week before we start butting heads and end up going our separate ways training wise.
If yes, how do you strike a balance? Pushing them but not too hard.
Same case with a friend that works for his dad, he feels his dad is harder on him than anyone else. A couple of other friends that end up working for aunts/uncles or people they are close to feels the same way, like they are put on a pedestal and judged more harshly.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 25, 2012 10:26:17 GMT -5
Yes, I do.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2012 10:34:23 GMT -5
Sorry my phone posted before I was done
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 25, 2012 10:38:47 GMT -5
I'm sorry, but I would have really limited patience with your wife. Go hard or go home, and don't ask for help unless you intend to follow through.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Nov 25, 2012 10:43:11 GMT -5
I'm harder on my own kids than the kids I teach.
I don't push my spouse. But, I don't try to control him either. I figure if my husband wants something, he'll make it happen. Internal/self motivation and all that.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2012 11:29:35 GMT -5
I would have to say no. My DH is an adult. If he wants to do something, he will have to come with the internal motivation to do something or not. If he says he is going to diet or something like that, of course, i would try to support him but preparing more diet friendly meals or whatever but that onus is on him. And, i really don't enjoy controlling other people's lives. With my kids, i do try to motivate and support them, but i really believe motivation is internal and not external. I might apply punishments or sanctions if they don't do their chores, for example. But, when they grow up and move out, they can choose to keep their home however they want to. As for others "pushing" me, um, i am an adult and i can decide if, how and when i choose to do something. And, nobody else gets to live my life for me nor i them. They have to make their own choices and suffer or benefit accordingly for the most part.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2012 11:30:43 GMT -5
As for becoming your wife's trainer/dietician, do you really want to put yourself in that kind of "daddy" parental role toward your wife?
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Nov 25, 2012 12:11:15 GMT -5
This topic hits close to home. I tend to push people, maybe too much. It really saddens me to see someone I care for failing when they could easily do better, but I need to let go. For instance, I have two friends I have pushed too much. One of them told me to stop, and she was quite angry with me. We never talked about her going to school, learning English, getting a GED, or any of those things again. She still works an entry-level job. She's happily married and work is just a paycheck to her, so she doesn't care. She was a librarian in the old country. The other one moved to this country from Puerto Rico and was working at a hotel as a breakfast server when I met him; I was also a breakfast server. His plans in life were to keep working at the same place, keep renting a cheap apartment and walk to work. He didn't have a 401k because he didn't believe in them. Fast forward ten years, I inspired him to go to school (tough he went to one of those for profit trade schools), graduated as a medical assistant, passed his driving test, bought a car. But guess what; he hasn't even applied for jobs, he keeps working at the hotel and complains about it, but he stays. Now he has a huge student loan for his income. I really regret pushing him to "improve". He's younger than me and I was kind of his mentor. From now on, I'll try to push myself and nobody else.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2012 12:17:10 GMT -5
Well, that is what i do. As for propelling people to "do better" , that is purely a subjective opinion. Who defines "better"? And, WHY does someone have to "be the best"? You simply cannot "be the best" at anything and everything. My kids have been in band, they aren't likely to grow up and become professional musicians. It is a HOBBY. So, i encouraged them to try instruments, would remind them to practice at times, but the onus is on them at a certain point. My dd loves music and now plays clarinet and piano. My sons were in band a few years but their heart wasn't in it. So what? They got the benefit of learning and enjoying something. The problem with pushy external motivation from others, is that it never really allows the person to take ownership of their own lives or whatever it is they are pursuing.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2012 12:17:48 GMT -5
As for becoming your wife's trainer/dietician, do you really want to put yourself in that kind of "daddy" parental role toward your wife? How is it a daddy/parental role? If she paid a dietician and/or a personal trainer to give her the same information, would they be considered to be in a daddy/parental role with her also? I guess I just don't see how it would be considered being a daddy/parent as you stated.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2012 12:18:32 GMT -5
As for pushing people to go back to school, that is not for everyone. Not everyone wants to be an academic scholar or CEO. Some people want a simple type of life with less stress, yes, probably less income and prestige, but that works for them. Maybe it doens't for you, so you can go and be and do whatever you want.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2012 12:21:16 GMT -5
As for becoming your wife's trainer/dietician, do you really want to put yourself in that kind of "daddy" parental role toward your wife? How is it a daddy/parental role? If she paid a dietician and/or a personal trainer to give her the same information, would they be considered to be in a daddy/parental role with her also? I guess I just don't see how it would be considered being a daddy/parent as you stated. Because it begins blurring the lines. Not saying that is the case here and if you are good trainer and it works for the 2 of you, great. But, you feel like you have to "push" her are you then going to become resentful if she really doesn't take your instruction? And, how does she take ownership for her own health and diet if she is now putting you in charge? Just something to think about.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2012 12:23:36 GMT -5
Another case in point, i have a friend who has nagged her overweight husband for YEARS about every morsel of food that goes into his mouth. It is uncomfortable to go out and eat with them, cuz you can't relax. Well, 20 yrs later he weighs as much or more than ever. Pushiness simply doens't work. It might work in some instances in the immediate term as in pushing your kids to do their chores, etc, but it isn't something that works in the long term. And, nobody wants to be around anyone who is constantly running and evaluating their inventory.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 25, 2012 12:47:37 GMT -5
Holy cow, I'm agreeing with Shooby Working out with your spouse is one thing... "training" them is another. If not a parental role, it's at least similar to boss/employee. I don't think I would take it very kindly if DH started critiquing my food/exercise choices and vice versa.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Nov 25, 2012 12:53:56 GMT -5
How is it a daddy/parental role? Carl, you said that your wife asked her to take control of her training and diet for her. I control what my kids eat. That's my job as a parent. I do not control what my husband eats. He's an adult. He can choose to put in his mouth whatever he chooses. I'm not going to sit there at every meal and say to my husband "OK, honey, now you need to eat plant matter. Your choices are apples, carrots or clementines. What do you choose?" or "Your choices for veggies are green beans or peas. Which do you want." (pulling the giving my kids the illusion that they have control parenting trick). I don't know how you cannot see the difference. I can't control another adult. Some days, I can't control my kids either. But at least I can discipline them. How are you going to discipline your wife when she doesn't follow your "rules?" Furthermore, why would you want to? If your wife wants to lose weight badly enough, she will figure out a way to do it on her own. I think your wife is confusing what supporting another adult means. Supporting another adult does not mean controlling their behavior.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2012 13:16:17 GMT -5
I guess I see it differently. I had a pro trainer before when I was considering a bodybuilding competition. He was a professional bodybuilder and had a PhD in Nutritional Sciences.
He would have me a brake down of workouts/days, cardio regiment and macros breakdown for diet (protein/carbs/fat).
I did not see him as my daddy or parent, he was the pro I was paying to take me to the next level. He knew his stuff and I paid him for that expertise. I sticked to the diet/workout and cardio he prescribed me and based on weight loss/body changes he wold change a few things here and there.
I also paid another for 6 training sessions because I wanted to mix things up and try another routine. For those 6 hours I did everything he asked, no bitching, no complaints even if sometimes I wanted to puke.
I guess I don't see how it falls under the daddy/parent role. My wife is a cardio bunny, when I was planning to run a 5k I asked her to train me/guide me since that is her department.
She is looking into more definitions/weight lifting which is my area of expertise and want someone to give her that extra push to go the extra.
Also I won't control her diet. She has a number of calories to eat with macros breakdown (fat/carb and protein); as long as she hits it I don't care what she eats. Since we tend to eat the same thing 95% of the time it will probably end up being close to what I eat but less of some things/calories.
I guess I am oblivious where the daddy/parent thing come into play. It is no different to me (at least to me ) than having a good workout partner or trainer that doesn't let you give up after 8 reps and push you to give 12-15. Instead of paying a trainer to get her to the shape she wants to be by next summer, she hired me. I am also cheaper!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2012 13:27:13 GMT -5
I do not control what my husband eats. He's an adult. He can choose to put in his mouth whatever he chooses. I'm not going to sit there at every meal and say to my husband "OK, honey, now you need to eat plant matter. Your choices are apples, carrots or clementines. What do you choose?" or "Your choices for veggies are green beans or peas. Which do you want." (pulling the giving my kids the illusion that they have control parenting trick). I don't know how you cannot see the difference. You hire a dietician or a pro to get you to a peak condition that is exactly what they do. They workout a meal plan with you, you have your pre-workout and post workout meal, doing faster cardio or not, when to do cardio: separately or after/before your workout, etc. You basically have a written down plan of every meal/workout for the week that they tweak depending in changes. When I was really serious I would cook/plan/pack my meals days in advance per the recommendation/advice of my trainer. And yes that is another adult telling another adult what to eat and workout plan; heck you pay them to do just that. We are not talking losing 20 lbs to fit in those jeans, we are talking reaching single digit bodyfat for men and low double for women (my wife is aiming for 10-15%), veins popping, every definition showing and you can be used as a biology piece of art. Unless you are extremely gifted genetically it takes works/dedication and careful planning to reach that level and maintain it.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Nov 25, 2012 14:10:17 GMT -5
How is Carl in a daddy/parental role with his wife, if she asked him for help? He didn't, as far as I can tell, hold a weapon to her head and make her ask for training assistance. It would be one thing if he stepped in unasked and took over her diet and exercise. But reading his OP, that was not the case. She asked for it (literally), and so she either takes what he dishes out, or hires a pro.
Sorry, but I'm on Carl's side on this one.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2012 14:28:47 GMT -5
I am saying there is a line that can be crossed in a way that might make it unpleasant or create resentment. I will ask DH for some lifting type exercises, he asks my opinion on other things. We can consult one another on all kinds of things. And, again , if he asked me for help , i would help him. But, then it is up to him, not me. And, he either will or he won't. The point you have to ask yourself is whether this is going to make you feel resentful toward her if she doesn't? It is her choice. But, if DH ever thought of me as "fat" or needing to lose weight, in all our years of marriage, i have never heard him once verbalize that or complain about my body. You are treading on dangerous waters! LOL
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2012 14:34:21 GMT -5
How is Carl in a daddy/parental role with his wife, if she asked him for help? He didn't, as far as I can tell, hold a weapon to her head and make her ask for training assistance. It would be one thing if he stepped in unasked and took over her diet and exercise. But reading his OP, that was not the case. She asked for it (literally), and so she either takes what he dishes out, or hires a pro. Sorry, but I'm on Carl's side on this one. THIS: She recruited me again yesterday asking me to take control of her training/diet and be her trainer. My reaction was "here we go again". The "here we go again" comment sounds a bit exasperated and annoyed. That he doubts she is going to follow through. MOST people simply do not follow through with diet and exercise. Will she? Who knows? What if she doesn't like most people? Then what? That is my point, he isn't going to like it. Why put yourself in that position? Earlier in our marriage, there were some times when DH got minor illnesses or ailments and wanted me to call the doctor for him, etc. Well, sorry, but i was working FT too and whenever i have heatlh issues, i find a way to call the doctor on my lunch hour, as soon as i got out of work, go to urgicare whatever. So, i would tell him, if he feels that badly, HE can either live with it or call the doctor ( i am just talking minor stuff like sinus infections,etc). Anyway, it isn't that i didn't want to help him with that but i did not want to set my self up as being his home doctor/nurse. He has to take responsibility for his own health as i do mine. I don't need someone to remind me to take pills. When i am 80, then maybe. Now, no.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 25, 2012 14:35:42 GMT -5
How's her job search coming? Working will give her less time to eat.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 25, 2012 14:57:38 GMT -5
Regardless of whether she suggested it or he did, the role remains the same IMO.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Nov 25, 2012 15:10:52 GMT -5
I wouldn't be comfortable with the training scenario. The trainer you paid I'm sure wanted you to succeed, but didn't come home with you every single night, and once they have their money its no skin off their nose if you quit or fail. With your spouse none of those boundaries apply, and I find it harder to take constructive criticism from dh than I would a professional or even most friends.
My sister has asked me for help with her budget, and I know it would be too personal for me and I would get mad at her. I offered her my spreadsheets and told her I would go over MY budget with her so she can see how I look at things but that I couldn't get involved in her money and be objective about it.
Also, from what I've read it seems like many women stop menstruating under 17/18% body fat. I'm sure you'll both do your own research, but wanted to throw that out there if she is trying for lower.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2012 15:35:04 GMT -5
Thanks and yes we are aware of it (menstruation stopping).
She just want to try it once and see if she can do an actual figure competition next July.
One of our close friends just did one and my wife was hit by the bug and want to go for it too.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Nov 25, 2012 16:17:55 GMT -5
It's exasperated and annoyed, and perhaps it should be. She's asked on more than a single occasion, he's complied, she does not follow through, yet she keeps asking. I don't blame Carl for not being happy with the request. In his position, I'd feel the same way, and tell her no. But to say he's going all daddy on her is dead wrong. She's putting him in that position by asking. He's not forcing himself into the role.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 25, 2012 16:30:18 GMT -5
But if he accepts it, he IS putting himself in that role. She can ask, it doesn't mean he has to say yes.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Nov 25, 2012 16:36:53 GMT -5
No, it sure doesn't. And from the sound of how things went before, "NO" should be his response. But he's not starting this mess; she is by asking him to do something yet again that did not work in the past. It's not a matter of whether Carl can technically train his wife; I think it's a personality thing, which he admits to, or at least implies in his OP: he will be harder on his family than he would be on anyone else.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2012 16:38:52 GMT -5
Ok let's agree to disagree because I cannot even begin to understand how is that being a daddy/parent.
So Mid, asking your husband that is a mechanic to stay on top of your car when it comes to maintenance/oil change and when it needs some repairs/fixes because he probably knows more about than you do (instead of you doing the research and just a much as in him you would like to keep your car running for awhile) would be considered him ring your daddy/father if he said yes?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2012 16:44:51 GMT -5
And funny how a question about pushing your family/loved ones or being harder on them got derailed to being a daddy/father.
I freely admit it, I have worked out with other female/male friends (my last work out partner in Clifton Park NY was a woman) and yes I am harder on my wife. I will push her more, expect more out of her and ask her to give me more.
Same would apply to playing basketball with my brother/sister or their grades/education...What would be acceptable for one kid I know is totally unacceptable for them because yes I expect more out of them, I set the bar higher.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 25, 2012 16:51:37 GMT -5
It's called "personal training" for a reason. You are scrutinizing and providing advice on your spouse's eating and exercise habits (which are both subjects most of us are a little touchy about - just look at WWBG's most recent thread). Not really comparable to oil changes.
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