Do you push your friends/family members or loved o

[milee]

I get Oxygen mag and enjoy the articles and inspiration. The founder of Oxygen (and several other similar fitness pubs), Robery Kennedy recently died, but had been his wife's trainer for many years. I always marveled at how strong their marriage must be and how secure she must be for that situation to work, but it did work really well for them. FWIW, lightening may strike me for speaking ill of the dead, based on reading between the lines of his writing, I think he must have been a bit of an ass, but apparently that wasn't a deal breaker.

For me, it would be different having a stranger be critical because that's their job and I really wouldn't care much if the stranger had a negative opinion of me. Also, that stranger doesn't live with me, so I'd have more control over when I wanted to be on the wagon and when I'd just need a small break, which is a technique I use to keep going forward. On the other hand, it would be very hard on me to think my husband didn't find my _____ well-shaped or our meals devolved into him observing, commenting on and possibly criticizing what I ate.

[milee]

Back to the OP, I'm hard on my family, but I'm also hard on strangers and myself. Guess I'm just generally a toughie.

In one of my boot camp classes, the rest of the class hates it when it's my turn to pick an exercise.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"Ok let's agree to disagree because I cannot even begin to understand how is that being a daddy/parent.":::...

I see it both ways. It all depends on how they treat it.

While I think calling it "daddy/parent" is using emotionally charged terms, the terms aren't entirely inaccurate. As her trainer, you would be in a position of "authority". She would have to accept you as an authority when you are training. Its not always an easy switch to flip on/off. Furthermore, you'd be in a position where her failure results in your disappointment. Both of these things are common in parental relationships.

That being said, you've also clearly accomplished what she is trying to accomplish. As such, why pay a "professional" when you are just as good for free (and probably care more). So long as those lines don't blur, it could work out well. After all, you asked her for help with "style" for interviews, and that didn't make her your Mommy.

But I agree that the "here we go again" comment says more than you intend. You've tried this before, and it didn't work. Maybe she will stick to it this time; maybe she won't. Its up to you two whether you try it again. But one certainly has to look at WHY it didn't work the last few times. If it was because she just didn't want to put in the time (which is probably independent of who trains her) then its probably better she use you for free. But if it was because she didn't like "taking orders" from you (and lets face it, a LOT of people just plain HATE having to obey their spouses), then maybe you should get someone else.

DW asked me once or twice before over the years to help her eat less, and I got sick of how that went out the window the second she wanted immediate gratification more than long term progress. Same with job search stuff, same with some budgeting stuff...

Plus, as a man, I like having someone ELSE to be the "fall guy". Then, if things go wrong, I can't be blamed.

[Deleted]

Nov 25, 2012 16:51:37 GMT -5 midjd said:

So Mid, asking your husband that is a mechanic to stay on top of your car when it comes to maintenance/oil change and when it needs some repairs/fixes because he probably knows more about than you do (instead of you doing the research and just a much as in him you would like to keep your car running for awhile) would be considered him ring your daddy/father if he said yes?

It's called "personal training" for a reason. You are scrutinizing and providing advice on your spouse's eating and exercise habits (which are both subjects most of us are a little touchy about - just look at WWBG's most recent thread). Not really comparable to oil changes.

How does that make me a daddy/father is the question?

Your husband could scrutinize how your treat your car, maintain it or drive it.

Some people are quite into their car (even in love with their car) and may not handle a comment from a mechanic well or see it as judging.

Any situation/subject you will find someone that is sensitive/touchy about it or take it really personally.

But somehow me pushing my wife and expecting more out of her is taking on the daddy/father role?

[jaya3300]

I push myself but not friends or loved ones. They're adults and it usually never ends well.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"How does that make me a daddy/father is the question?":::...

See my previous post: whether you want to call it daddy/father, you'd be in a position of authority over your spouse; which is something that some people just can't handle.

[giramomma]

Nov 25, 2012 13:16:17 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

I

Also I won't control her diet. She has a number of calories to eat with macros breakdown (fat/carb and protein); as long as she hits it I don't care what she eats. Since we tend to eat the same thing 95% of the time it will probably end up being close to what I eat but less of some things/calories.

Well, this is different than "My wife asked me to control her diet."

and yes I am harder on my wife. I will push her more, expect more out of her and ask her to give me more.

I don't push my husband. I don't expect him to "do more." He's good enough the way he is. And, frankly, he does plenty. My husband does not push me. He knows I'm generally giving everything my all and then some, and that is good enough for him.

I push my kids when I feel they are not doing what they are capable of.

I do not feel a need to expect my husband/kids to perform at 150% if they are already giving me 110%. I think one has to be careful about sending messages about being good enough, doing enough, and accomplishing enough.

Though I was high achieving, I was never good enough. I don't ever want my kids/husband to feel like that.

[lurkyloo]

After reading WWBG's HIIT thread, I've concluded that YM should be your wife's trainer. No one is as hard on their fellow man as YMers...and we don't even have to be related! ;D

(Count me among those who see potential discomfort in a trainer/trainee relationship with one's spouse. The best coach or trainer is someone you're never quite comfortable around; someone who keeps you a little off-balance and striving for more. I don't think that's a healthy dynamic for most marriages.)

[Deleted]

Back to the original topic . . . I taught both my kids. I only taught my daughter once (12th grade), but I taught my son in 8th, 10th, and 12th (AP English). It was a small school. There was one-and-a-half English teachers.

Yes, I was harder on them. I was also harder on family and friends who chose to enroll in my English 101 class at the local college. There were dozens of classes, but they knew there was only one class on Monday nights. All of them did great, but a couple of them might have been able to have made an easier A or B with a different teacher.

[Deleted]

What about the home being the "soft place to fall"? What about the home where you are not constantly critiqued, evaluated, criticized? What about the home where you take a day off from the world once in awhile and just wear your sweat pants all day?
As for cai, he can do whatever he wants. If he wants to be the personal trainer, then do so. However, i have been on these boards a long time and i have also seen other posts indicating some discontent. I just think this is a step in the wrong direction. Just my opinion, take it or leave it. I give it and it is up to each OP to decide if it is good or accurate advice or not.

[Deleted]

Nov 25, 2012 17:22:28 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Well, this is different than "My wife asked me to control her diet."

Please point out exactly where I said such?

[Deleted]

Personally, i think the message to your wife should be "you are gorgeous, hot, beautiful, the future mother of my children, the love of my life, yada, yada". But, if you feel you want to train and work out and diet, here is a check to hire a personal trainer.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"I think one has to be careful about sending messages about being good enough, doing enough, and accomplishing enough.":::...

I've made similar comments. If all roads lead to "disappointed" (or "mad") then I'm just going to take the road that is easiest or most fun for ME.

...:::"What about the home being the "soft place to fall"? What about the home where you are not constantly critiqued, evaluated, criticized?":::...

One does need a safe haven.

...:::"Personally, i think the message to your wife should be "you are gorgeous, hot, beautiful, the future mother of my children, the love of my life, yada, yada". But, if you feel you want to train and work out and diet, here is a check to hire a personal trainer.":::...

If this were a simple "help me lose some weight", then maybe. However, Mrs. C's STATED goal is to become a model of human perfection for the purposes of entering (and winning) competitions. Look at the jargon cawiau tosses out there... Their meals are tailored to a specific carb/fat macro. She wants to achieve single (or low double) digit body fat. These are not normal fitness goals -- these are the types of goals that one has to be "on" 24 hours a day. There are no free passes on that one . . . no cheat days, no "oops". The dedication it takes to achieve that level of fitness is a lot more than just losing a few pounds to fit into a dress for a weekend.

When Hugh Jackman was filming "Wolverine", the ONLY carb he got was one slice of wheat toast per day. Everything else was protein. The results speak for themselves. I'd imagine one slice of supreme pizza would have set him back a week!

[Deleted]

So, she wants an absolutely perfect body? To what end? Is that even a realistic goal? What kind of competitions does she want to do? If that is her desire, that is fine but of course all of us desire that too. In reality, most of us have to spend other time going to work, household chores and on and on. If this is the direction, it is gong to take more than one hour in the gym. So, is cawiau prepared for that and to do the extra work at home to free up her time so she become this model of perfection?

[Deleted]

Another quote : "She said she will do everything I ask, no questions. But that usually last a week before we start butting heads and end up going our separate ways training wise."

So, her track record is that of one week? Again, if she really wants to do this, she will. He can help and support. But, the real work and effort has to come from her or it won't happen.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Well she already isn't working; so interviews aside, she has time to spend hours working out.

Another question: is the reason you start "butting heads after a week" because she doesn't like obeying you, or just because the work itself is too hard? I mean, if she had a different trainer, would she last more than a week?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I wouldn't do it. It's one thing when you have hired someone to be your personal trainer. You have a strictly business deal with that person and anytime you don't like it you can tell them to pound sand and never see them again.

With me, DH has to see me every single day. It's also very hard to keep that professional line in place. Personal crap bleeds over into the training and the training bleeds over into the personal.

I love my family but I HATE working with some of them because it follows me home. I get battered from both sides. If I do something wrong at work I get to here about it there, at home, during holidays etc.

I'd rather invest in an impersonal trainer that I have a professional relationship with only. No chance of personal crap bleeding over and it won't follow me home at the end of the day. Plus if I decide to discontinue that it is the end of it. If I discontinue with a spouse, I get a thread like this.

[sheilaincali]

From the Work prospective: I work for my dad and he is a fair boss but he expects more out of me than the average employee. He feels that since I have a stake in the company (ie my inheritance) that I should put in more sweat equity. I don't disagree with him. We will be closed the week between Christmas and New Years, however, I will be expected to come to the office to get the pick up the mail, do payroll, forward the calls to my cell, etc. My BIL (who works here) will be expected to check on the boiler and things in and around the yard, do any snow plowing that will need to be done, etc. All of the regular non-family employees will just have the time off to do whatever they please. I'll have plenty of free time but I figure I'll put in close to 20 hours that week. It's just what's expected.

Training your spouse- DH and I have been married for over 16 years and we wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole. Just doesn't work for us. He reads all the articles, does the workouts, eats healthy and all that jazz. When I wanted to get healthier he happily helped me research personal trainers but he didn't want to be in that role for me. DH and DS attended several of my training sessions- I'd warn my trainer in advance and she'd come up with a plan for the three of us.
Meal planning- I met with a dietitian and came home with a list of suggestions and DH has implemented them (he does most of the cooking) but has never once said "you need to eat xyz".

It's what works for us. He tried to teach me to play golf once it didn't turn out well for him or for the putter.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I enjoy working with my dad, we can keep business business and personal personal. Not so much for the rest of my family. I love them but God I hate working with them.

I've worked with DH as well and he can't keep things separate. There is no way I'd allow him to be my personal trainer.

It wouldn't work well in the reverse either. While I am quite good at keeping things in their separate boxes he'd take every thing I say way too personally and it would bleed over into everything else. I could be the upmost professional and he'd still somehow figure out a way to make it personal.

[8 Bit WWBG]

*thinking* How can I work a wet t-shirt contest into this conversation?

[Deleted]

Ok can we try to stick to the OP please. Thank you!

[midjd]

Ok can we try to stick to the OP please. Thank you!

If you want an answer to a specific question it's usually best to minimize the back story... we get distracted easily.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Grrr, so the wet t-shirt gets his attention, but not the explanations of the daddy/parent thing; or the testimonials from those who this dynamic has/will not work for!

OK how about this...

cawiau, there are so many things I tell my wife "I'm never doing that for you again", only to find myself giving her another chance, because she is my wife and I care about her.

So even though history suggests your wife will flake out after a week and give you some grey hairs in the process, try it again because she is your wife and she is asking for your help.

ETA: and yes, I'd push people who I KNOW are capable, harder than those I know are not, or don't care. I'd want my relatives and friends to succeed, so that would also probably cause me to push them harder.

[zibazinski]

Don't bother. You're wasting your time and hers. Plus, the fights aren't worth the make up sex.

[midjd]

I can't really think of any situations in which I "push" friends/family members. I'm not really hard on anyone else but myself. I do often express opinions about actions DH wants to take - but only because these things often have the tendency to affect both of us.

Otherwise, I try to stay out of it. That's why everyone loves me ;D

[quince]

I generally don't push anyone.

DH is a black belt in the martial art we practice- he's admitted to pushing me harder than he pushes other people when we train, because he's afraid of going "too easy" on me because we have a relationship. He does more "leading" than "pushing" though.

[Deleted]

There is nothing wrong with saying what I want. And, we can all speak up. However, there is a line between saying what I want and desire and trying to control the actions of another. In reality, it rarely works anyway. So, i just figure that someone else is going to just do whatever they want to but so am I. For cotton, i would suggest, that you express your disappointment, but then you move on to what you want to do , with or without him. Go out by yourself if he doesn't come. But setting up a relationship where he "owes" you something or must make it up to you, i would just take caution with. You don't want a parent/child kind of relationship. I see this more and more and not to generalize but amongst some of my friends, the wife seems to be very responsible and there are some husbands around here who are very lax and act more like sullen teens then men. And, in these relationships, as the wife, they continually have to ramp up the pushing and pushing until one of them breaks. It isn't pretty.

[zibazinski]

I realize she's collecting unemployment but seriously, job hunting should be taking up her time, not diet and exercise.

[Deleted]

Does it really take 8 hours a day job hunting? I don't think so. You get the apps fill them out and then it is a waiting game. Then you get an interview and then it is another waiting game. It can take months to go through the whole hiring process nowadays. That is what is funny about these boards. The "go get a job" mantra as if you can apply and be working the next day. I don't know too many jobs like that nowadays. There is usually a whole process from them getting recommendations to drug testing and on and on.

[skubikky]

Nov 25, 2012 12:17:10 GMT -5 @shooby said:

Well, that is what i do. As for propelling people to "do better" , that is purely a subjective opinion. Who defines "better"? And, WHY does someone have to "be the best"? You simply cannot "be the best" at anything and everything. My kids have been in band, they aren't likely to grow up and become professional musicians. It is a HOBBY. So, i encouraged them to try instruments, would remind them to practice at times, but the onus is on them at a certain point. My dd loves music and now plays clarinet and piano. My sons were in band a few years but their heart wasn't in it. So what? They got the benefit of learning and enjoying something.
The problem with pushy external motivation from others, is that it never really allows the person to take ownership of their own lives or whatever it is they are pursuing.

Yes...and often has more to do with the pushers own motivations.